The Parenting Thread II - Advice, Tips, Etc

[Spaceman Spiff]

17 minutes ago, Fergasun said:

@Spaceman Spiff

Who is her best friend?  Does she have any friends (IRL or elsewhere)?  

 

100% I agree with the therapy recommendation.

 

No offense to grandparents, but what are they doing to stimulate her?  It is easy to give a child a cell phone or video games.  But video games are incredibly toxic to be engaged in (I assume she is on voice chat?) and sometimes online connections are bad.  Not to mention re-enforcing whatever casual rasicm/toxicity she has picked up from her environment (and with teens a lot of that just flows around). 

 

She's got a couple friends in real life.  Her best friend is this girl who's also 15, homeschooled, lives a few hours away in NC and they met online.  Her online friends mean everything to her.

 

When we were driving through Charlottesville last weekend, she lamented that one of her friends (some 19 year old guy) lives near there.  That went over well.

 

They don't do anything to stimulate her.  It's literally video games all the time.  

 

9 minutes ago, TradeTheBeal! said:

Stranger Things is basically 80s horror worship.  There’s a treasure trove of cheesy goodness for y’all/the fam to discover and bond over.

 

Start right here…

 

 

 

Okay, art guy!

 

8 minutes ago, tshile said:

@Spaceman Spiff

borrowing from some early child raising tactics we were taught:

 

instead of picking things to do for her, or asking her to figure it out on her own, try making a list of options and making her pick from that. 
 

some of what you say sounds normal, I see it in my nieces and nephews that came up in more “normal” scenarios. 
 

And I definitely understand the phone thing. And I think it’s mentally bad for kids. NIH came out with preliminary findings a week or two ago about how increased screen time appears to be leading to depression/suicide and other very negative issues. 
 

you may be able to get away with having a basket by the door and when people come in, they must place their phone in the basket. If you’re all doing it, she won’t feel singled out. But it’ll force her to separate from it. You can make some rule up about when people can get their phone back and for how long, or whatever. But generally - phones in the basket 

 

it’s worked for other people I know and it’ll be what we do once the kids reach the age to have a phone…

 

These are good tips.  I think we'll put together a list of options for Saturday and she can pick from them.

[PleaseBlitz]

1 hour ago, Spaceman Spiff said:

And therapy would probably be great for her, however I know if we suggest it that her grandparents will just say she needs to go to church more.  

 

1 hour ago, Spaceman Spiff said:

Yeah, we've decided we're taking her somewhere this Saturday, hell or high water, no matter what she says or how she protests it.  That'll include eating something different, too.

 

These two things together suggest one option.  DRAG BRUNCH

[Destino]

2 hours ago, Spaceman Spiff said:

 

 

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

 

My unqualified 2 cents. Be her people and let her be yours.  

 

Accept her for who and what she is. Doesn’t matter if she’s weird and should be this thing or the other, because it’s not your role to assume control of a teenagers life… and you couldn’t even if it was. Teenagers are a force of nature. She’s deep the worst stages of development right now and attempts to change her will be interpreted as rejection, aggression, and betrayal.
 

What you must do are all the things that remind people that they are with their people. Talk to her. Be willing to help her. Ask her what she thinks and listen to her when she answers. Ask her for help and let her help you. (People underestimate how important that is.) Include her. Take her places but let het make some decisions too, like where to eat. As for how to deliver your values and thoughts on life, just talk to her about your life. Talk to her about times where you fell on your face and how stupid you felt. Let her laugh with you, and maybe at you a little bit.
 

It may not feel like she’s responding or changing but all of what I’m saying will make a home in her head and matter more as she ages. Who was there, who was kind, and who had her back will matter when she starts to exit the fugue state of adolescence. So will examples of adults in her family she came to know.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

[dfitzo53]

Lots of good advice already, including therapy.

 

I'll just add that if this does end up going in a direction where you're her guardians, keep in mind it's a long process.  Things you do, even if they're good things, may not bear fruit for a while.

[Spaceman Spiff]

I asked her where she wanted to go on Saturday, she got all excited and wanted to go to the Botanical Gardens in DC.  And then we're gonna hit some other museums.

 

Mrs. Spiff and I sat on the couch with her last night, we had a long, free ranging conversation about a lot of things.  It was very positive.  One of the things she explained was that she wanted a white board for her room where she could hang it up and write down her to-do lists and goals but her grandmother wouldn't let her for stupid reasons (you'll scuff the wall, etc).  

 

Mrs. Spiff went to bed early, as she's prone to do, leaving me with her niece.  I told her we'd plug the PS5 in after the Orioles game wrapped up.  

 

Suddenly, she piped up and told me that she writes poems and asked me if I'd want to read them.  Or if she could read one to me.  Being an English major and having had to write my fair share of poems and then recite them in front of a class, I know how ****ing nerve racking that can be.  So I told her I'd take the dog outside for her final walk of the day and when I came back she could let me read one or she could read one to me, whatever her choice was.

 

I came back, she handed me her phone and there were two poems there and I was ****ing floored.  They were legit.  Like, really, really good.  Now I can't say that I'm an expert on poetry and that I have a refined taste but these weren't sing-song A-B, A-B rhyme schemes.  

 

I told my wife about this this morning and she had no idea about it.  So then the niece and I jumped in the car, dropped Spiff Jr off at daycare and then I took her to Target where I bought her two large Moleskine notebooks, one for poetry and one for to-do lists/goals.  Then we hit Chick Fil A for breakfast which she was excited about.

 

She's been upstairs writing all morning, apparently.  Mrs. Spiff has confirmed a few minutes ago that her poetry is legit.

 

 

[LadySkinsFan]

Hidden gem!

 

 

Edited June 14, 2023 by LadySkinsFan

[Spaceman Spiff]

 

Also:  we played Street Fighter last night for about an hour.  She'd never heard of it when we went down to visit earlier this year and like 3 months later she wiped the floor with me.

[Llevron]

Glad she is coming out of her box a bit with you @Spaceman Spiff. I think just doing what you are doing is going to make a difference in the long run. 

 

Also https://www.amazon.com/Board-Surface-Restickable-Adhesive-Flexible/dp/B00VX1HCX8  

 

I used these at one of my older jobs. They fall after a while, but I think they are good enough for a teen if she really wants something hanging there as a reminder. Its silly to me, but my wife has a ****ing erase board in 3 of the 6 rooms in the house and she does keep notes and stuff on them. So maybe it will really help her in some capacity. 

[PleaseBlitz]

55 minutes ago, Spaceman Spiff said:

I asked her where she wanted to go on Saturday, she got all excited and wanted to go to the Botanical Gardens in DC.  And then we're gonna hit some other museums.

 

Glad you are getting her out of her shell.  

 

Just FYI, Good Stuff Eatery, best burgers in DC, is about a 10 minute walk from the Botanical Gardens. 

[Spaceman Spiff]

22 minutes ago, PleaseBlitz said:

 

Glad you are getting her out of her shell.  

 

Just FYI, Good Stuff Eatery, best burgers in DC, is about a 10 minute walk from the Botanical Gardens. 

 

Oh, I'm well versed.

[HOF44]

8 hours ago, Spaceman Spiff said:

I asked her where she wanted to go on Saturday, she got all excited and wanted to go to the Botanical Gardens in DC.  And then we're gonna hit some other museums.

 

Mrs. Spiff and I sat on the couch with her last night, we had a long, free ranging conversation about a lot of things.  It was very positive.  One of the things she explained was that she wanted a white board for her room where she could hang it up and write down her to-do lists and goals but her grandmother wouldn't let her for stupid reasons (you'll scuff the wall, etc).  

 

Mrs. Spiff went to bed early, as she's prone to do, leaving me with her niece.  I told her we'd plug the PS5 in after the Orioles game wrapped up.  

 

Suddenly, she piped up and told me that she writes poems and asked me if I'd want to read them.  Or if she could read one to me.  Being an English major and having had to write my fair share of poems and then recite them in front of a class, I know how ****ing nerve racking that can be.  So I told her I'd take the dog outside for her final walk of the day and when I came back she could let me read one or she could read one to me, whatever her choice was.

 

I came back, she handed me her phone and there were two poems there and I was ****ing floored.  They were legit.  Like, really, really good.  Now I can't say that I'm an expert on poetry and that I have a refined taste but these weren't sing-song A-B, A-B rhyme schemes.  

 

I told my wife about this this morning and she had no idea about it.  So then the niece and I jumped in the car, dropped Spiff Jr off at daycare and then I took her to Target where I bought her two large Moleskine notebooks, one for poetry and one for to-do lists/goals.  Then we hit Chick Fil A for breakfast which she was excited about.

 

She's been upstairs writing all morning, apparently.  Mrs. Spiff has confirmed a few minutes ago that her poetry is not legit.

 

 

Such a good read. Soooo many kids in this world just need somebody that gives a **** and never get it. Props to you and Msp. Spiff!!!

[tshile]

Props @Spaceman Spiff

you cared and put the effort in. Awesome to read the post

[Thinking Skins]

Debated putting this in a workout thread but thought about putting it here too. Here's what I did. I have been playing basketball with my boys for going on a year now. They're little kids so it's not competitive. We make up games like HORSE but more creative and whatever we think of we just run with it. 

 

So the thing had been spelling words out because that's the point of horse. But I hate coming up with words. So I started doing word families. Ok cool beans. Now we start with an ending and we have a dozen words and each kid will say a word, then spell it out and it's fun. But that's not the point. 

 

The thing that was fun that I wanted to ask about was the rebounding. I implemented a rule called the one bounce rule. Just saying to try to catch the call before it bounces twice. No penalty, but they were hustling. Any coaches ever use this and know what is really called so I can look it up? I'd like to study it and see about it and some other tactics for improving the kids coordination. 

[Spaceman Spiff]

So last weekend, we took my wife's niece into DC.  She wanted to see the Botanical Gardens like I said.  Friday night, we drove into DC, got a hotel nearby, went out to eat and she was excited.

 

Woke up on Saturday morning early.  And I love my wife, but her infatuation with walking and hiking is lost on me.  She LOVES to walk and she will push a stroller all day, every day.  So the greenhouses at the Botanical Garden open at 10 am but there's an outdoor part that opens at 7am or 7:30.  So guess who was there bright and early, about two hours before the actual Botanical Gardens opened?  We were.

 

The excitement in the outdoor area of the Botanical Gardens lasted maybe about 20 minutes.  The niece started to grumble and suddenly she wasn't interested.  

 

Instead of walking back to the hotel and hanging out and waiting for the museums to open at 10...oh no, we walked the entire ****ing Mall.  And she was hating it.  HAAAATING it.  It was a shame because the weather Saturday morning was beautiful but she was dressed in her Billie Eilish jeans and a t-shirt and her shoes weren't meant for a trail of tears around the Mall.  I've painted a picture of a kid who doesn't get out much, who isn't athletic and if left to her own devices won't leave her room all weekend to stop playing video games.  So you can imagine what this was like and she later admitted her attire wasn't made for walking around all morning.

 

We walked down to the White House, she didn't give a ****.  We gave her options about which museums she'd want to go to next, she didn't care so we picked the Natural History Museum for her.  Got there 15 minutes early, stood in line.

 

She perked up when we went inside and saw that giant elephant that's in the lobby.  And then she got REALLY excited when we walked into the dinosaur exhibit, she was ping-ponging all over the place.  She grabbed my arm when we walked into the room where the T-Rex skeleton is ****ing up a triceratops skeleton and she thought that was the coolest thing ever.  

 

Overall she had a good time.  She liked the museum and most of what she saw.  We hit up the food trucks outside after, walked back and then took her thrift shopping where she continued to purchase outrageously terrible clothes, but she was happy.

 

Sunday, Father's Day, had a buddy of mine over who's family is on the west coast.  We hung out, grilled, my parents came over, then my buddy, dad and I went trap shooting.  We dragged her along, she vowed she wouldn't shoot a shotgun. 

 

But my buddy and I wore her down.  She finally agreed to shoot a shotgun if I promised her that we'd play Playstation later.  And she's, like, barely 5'2, so she's got this big 12 gauge shotgun held up and I'm hoping and praying she doesn't drop it when she pulls the trigger.  So she yells "pull!" and I don't know if she came within 20 feet of hitting the clay but she pulled the trigger and held on and then gave me the biggest smile ever, I took a video of it.  And then she wanted to shoot it again and again after that.

 

Later when we got home, she denied that she liked shooting the shotgun, but that was hilarious considering she wanted to take a picture of it after she shot it and wanted me to send her the video, too.  

 

The rest of the week has been pretty fun, took her out to lunch a couple of times, one night we made churros which she loves.  Played Playstation with her, that made her happy.  My wife found her wrapped up with our 18 month son reading him a book.

 

But her grandparents came and picked her up today.  She told my wife that she wanted to stay and that she wanted to live with us and my wife told her that we'd work with her on that, but she has to ask her grandparents first, that we're not going to be the ones to bring that up to them.  When I thanked her grandparents for coming to get her, her grandfather thanked me "for the vacation."  I think she was in earshot.

 

And now the house seems empty and I'm sad.

[Captain Wiggles]

4 minutes ago, Spaceman Spiff said:

She LOVES to walk and she will push a stroller all day, every day. 

 

🤔

 

[dfitzo53]

Best of luck @Spaceman Spiff, I hope it works out in the long run. 

[skinsmarydu]

I was actually going to suggest the Smithsonian, we went all the time when I was a kid and I loved it.  Glad she did, too.  Hopefully, her grands care about her happiness & will work with you on the move. 

[LadySkinsFan]

Sounds like everyone had a great week, all generations. And that's a gift! Best wishes for everything working out for everyone. 

[ixcuincle]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrZHFADOjE7/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

[PleaseBlitz]

Some wisdom that I’ve recently learned. If you have a rambunctious 3 year old boy who likes to wrestle and punch things, an extremely effective technique is the double collar tie (in wrestling), also know as the thai plum (in kickboxing and jiu jitsu) where you use both hands to grab the back of their head when facing them from the front. A 3 year old will have no answer for this and be completely helpless. 
 

You may recognize this as the technique Anderson Silva used to demolish Rich Franklin in their first fight. Knees to the face are optional and may depend on the current disposition of the child. 
 

 

[Llevron]

Also works on rambunctious wives that want your phone 

[Fergasun]

PleaseBlitz junior was waiting for his moment.  It was finally here, after 14 years.  Mommy and Daddy Blitz had dutifully tracked his height through the years.  The tick marks down the wall were proof.  So were the encouraging words of their pediatrician.  "What are you guys feeding him?  96th percentile in height -- that is fantastic!"  

 

But junior wasn't interested in the 96th percentile. Nor being the next Lebron.  He smiled and joked when everyone teased his dad about his son overtaking his height.  Smiled and joked on the outside.  But in the inside, he plotted and planned. A couple more inches.  A couple more pounds.  He kept waiting for the perfect timing.  Just a few more months. It was 2 years and 4 months. Still shy of 18 years, he waited until Mommy Blitz was out of the house for the weekend.  Dad would be watching sports in the den. 

 

Daddy Blitz saw a plum roll by his feet on the ground.  He thought junior was farting around im his room on the Xbox10000.  He was wrong. 

"Son, what the hell is this plum?"

Junior walked over to him... "do you remember that day?  Maybe you thought it was funny."

His dad still looked perplexed and dazed... "Huh?"

"Do you know what type of plum that is..." 

Daddy Blitz looked closer... it seemed a little bigger, a little tougher... 

"Thai plum dad..." the kid slowly walked in front of his dad. 

"Do you rememeber what a Thai plum is?"

 

... and that's when he knew... he eff'd up....

 

[Hersh]

2 hours ago, PleaseBlitz said:

Some wisdom that I’ve recently learned. If you have a rambunctious 3 year old boy who likes to wrestle and punch things, an extremely effective technique is the double collar tie (in wrestling), also know as the thai plum (in kickboxing and jiu jitsu) where you use both hands to grab the back of their head when facing them from the front. A 3 year old will have no answer for this and be completely helpless. 
 

You may recognize this as the technique Anderson Silva used to demolish Rich Franklin in their first fight. Knees to the face are optional and may depend on the current disposition of the child. 
 

 

 

Do you have any kids older than 3? Specifically a boy older than 3? 

Edited July 11, 2023 by Hersh

[PleaseBlitz]

10 hours ago, Hersh said:

 

Do you have any kids older than 3? Specifically a boy older than 3? 

 

My daughter turned 8 last Saturday.  She is not rambunctious, she is basically a Disney princess.  Small woodland creatures follow her around, birds land on her, I don't recall her ever punching anything. During covid, she took close to a year of jiu jitsu (I posted about it on page 17 of this thread), but when it came time for her to actually learn a choke hold and apply it on someone, she wouldn't do it. 

 

She and the 3 year old are a even matchup right now despite her being literally twice his size. in six months he'll be able to demolish her (until I teach her the double collar tie technique). 

Edited July 11, 2023 by PleaseBlitz

[tshile]

Our kids are basically same age, genders flipped

 

both of them are hell raisers and the daughter thinks she’s a princess and demands to be treated as such

 

the boy has taken well to the idea that he’s not to hurt his sister. She’s a girl and she’s half his size. 
 

she’s abused this to mean she can do whatever she wants and he won’t hit her or fight back. 
 

but. Everyone has a limit. And there have been a few times where she’s gone way over the line, he’s thumped her right in the face for it, and when she cries the wife and I look at her and let her know she got what she asked for. 

Edited July 11, 2023 by tshile