I am a worthless sack of ****

[Mickalino]

As some of you may know, I recently lost my father, and it hurt for me, and of course it hurt for my mother who was married to him for many years.

Since that time, my mother's health has deteriorated, with various symptoms that they havnt yet been able to tie to a cause.

In the meantime, I have been on heavy medication myself, up to 4 different kinds of medication at a time, for psychiatric problems. Beneath the wild and sometimes humorous antics of my forum posting, is a different person, with a deeply troubled mind, who is suicidal at times. My condition probably explains the irrationality and excessism in my posting that many of you complain about.

My mother has always cared for me and my condition, and asked me to update her on my treatment. We have to correspond by email, because she is in NC and I am in FL. During my updates to her on my condition and treatment, I mentioned to her twice in the last couple months that I was suicidal. Each of the 2 times I wrote her that I was suicidal, she ended up in the hospital with a heart attack within 24 hours - twice. And I don't think it's a coincidence. I believe my words cause those incidents.

My mother has gone through enough as it is, with her husband's death, that the least I could do, is withhold how serious my condition was, to her. I feel totally responsible for her heart attacks, because of my selfishness, to get all wrapped up in my own condition, which may not be as bad as it seems, and giving her the unnecessary knowledge that her son is so far on the edge. My mother is loving and caring beyond words, and I can see how my words to her, could have caused the heart attack.

The doctors say that depression and anxiety is contributing to her heart attacks. That depression and anxiety probably stems from me. And that she has an artery that is severely blocked. so the outlook is not good for her. If my mother dies, I will feel totally responsible, and the pain will be beyond belief. If I am suicidal now, I cannot imagine how I would feel, if I were to be indirectly responsible for my mother's death. Like a worthless sack of ****

[Spaceman Spiff]

Mickalino,

I know I always poke fun at you, but it's all in jest. You're a cool dude and one of my favorite posters, one who makes me laugh.

The bright side is that your mom is still alive and you can make amends. I don't know if taking a weekend to going up to see her would do you and her any good, but some face time might be nice.

Regardless, I don't have to tell you that everyone here likes you and supports you.

Keep your head up, bro...we'll be here for you.

[BigMike619]

wow. thats a big load to carry on your own brother. do you feel sometimes like you are the only one can handle this load you are strapped down with? is there anyone strong in your life that you can sit down and vent or release all of this to?

sometimes just saying it and putting it out in the open can make a huge difference. sometimes it helps to clear out the "junk" that is blocking what is really the problem. the deep, dark stuff we dont want to talk about. i like to mask my sadness and fear with anger and sarcasm myself. it puts on a mask that makes me seem funny but you dont want to get too close.

who do you talk to mick? who in your life do you trust enough to let in on this?

[spjunkies]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you can't blame yourself for your mothers physical condition because that's simply not your fault and it's in Gods hands.

You should really consider seeing a professional so you can have someone you can talk your feelings out with.

I'll be praying for you during your trying time.

[redskinss]

the only advice i can give you is get of your ass and get to wherever your mother is now and make sure you work things out. trust me once theyre gone your chance to make ammends is gone and you will never forgive yourself if it ends like this.

the last words i spoke to my father were a very heated venting about my job and i went to bed. if i had known he was going to die that night i would have thought of something better to talk about.

I cant go back but you still can, DONT WAIT UNTIL ITS TOO LATE.

[skinsfanjoe]

Hey dude. I think it's unfair of you to call yourself a worthless sack of do do. Your obviously not worthless to your Mother. She seems to love and worry about you a lot. I can relate to having anxiety and depression. I found that sometimes the meds can make things worse so I decided to ween myself off of them. Instead, I use Vitamins and exercise and feel a ton better because of it. If you don't feel like you can talk to your mother about your own problems than I'd recommend talking to a trusted friend or professional immediatly about what's bothering you. I will pray for you.

[Teller]

Damn, Mick. Don't let things get to this point, bro. You've got more friends than you can count, on this site alone, and we're here for you ANYTIME you need it.

First things first. You're not responsible for your mother's condition. I know hearing that from me won't make a lick of difference, but it's true. There are all kinds of things (including the blocked artery, which you clearly had noting to do with) that combined to put her in the state of health she's currently in. She's her own woman. She chose to ask you how you were feeling. You answered her question. That's not your fault.

Now, I will say this. If you fear that worrying about you isn't good for your mom right now, talk to us -- talk to me! I'm always a PM away, and if you want to shoot me one now, I'll give you my cell # so you can call me anytime you need to.

Get yourself right first, Mick. In many ways, I'm trying to do that myself right now. It's only after you've gotten yourself right, that you can be there for others; including your mom.

We love you around here, man. This place would not be the same if you weren't in it. We're here to help you anytime you need it.

Prayers out to both you and your mom for health and happiness, and most of all PEACE.

[The Sisko]

I feel really badly for you Mick. However I agree with those who have said your Mother's heart attacks weren't your fault. Most likely she would have had them anyway-possibly due to worrying about you not coming clean with her regarding your condition. Trust me, a Mother knows when something isn't right.

I've struggled with depression too, though not quite as bad as what you describe. So trust me when I say that you should see someone to talk things through. Nowadays the insurance companies want to just pay for a few anti depressants and send you on your merry way. However a good therapist can help you get at deeper issues that might be making your depression worse.

I'll be thinking if you and pulling for you and your Mother.

[squatch66]

mick i dont know you personally but i enjoy your posts. please man find someone to talk to. also, pick up the phone and call your mom and tell her how much you love her.

my prayers are with you man and good luck.

[Barney B]

Listen to HH, Mick, every word he said is right on the money.

I'll only add this:

Your mother has obviously been close to having a heart attack for some time already. So how do you know that your actual net influence on her hasn't been to lengthen her life, instead of - as you seem to want to assume - curtail it? What if, while she was having two non-fatal heart attacks, she was actually able to forestall or avoid having just one fatal one? What if the only thing keeping her alive is her concern for her son?

Are you seeing a psychologist, in addition to your psychiatrist?

Could you be persuaded to involve yourself in some charity work?

[d0ublestr0ker0ll]

Dog, be strong.

[dreamingwolf]

If you want the insensitive answer from someone who has dealt with a similar situation PM me.

[Kosher Ham]

I pretty much echo Spiff and HH's sentiments .

I give you a hard time now and then just because you can typically take it without getting your panties in a bunch...Same with HH, He knows I am just giving him a quick jab for fun. I never intend for pain on these boards and hope for the best for all of us.

BTW -Where is she in NC ?

[DeanCollins]

lighten up Mick. your mothers health problems are not caused by you, and worrying about hers is just a distraction from taking care of your issues. everyone gets down from time to time, just don't dwell on it. remember the number one treatment for depression is exercise. and ease up on the drinking if you're not feeling well. I had similar experiences and bouts of depression, but it all went away when I gave up drinking.

[Thiebear]

It took months to talk my ex into it..

It might be months to talk you into it..

they may sound like quacks, but they can do wonderful things to get you to see your potential.

[Special K]

Wow Mick, I don't know you personally but I've always enjoyed reading your many threads. I am really sorry to hear about your father's death and your mother's ensuing illness. I'm in the health field and I just want you to know that cardiovascular disease is a chronic, multifactoral condition often beginning in childhood and adolescence and is caused by several biological processes. Translation: you are not the CAUSE of her health issues and you need to stop thinking that way. However, it still probably isn't the best thing to tell her of the severity of your psychological illness right now either....probably don't want to raise her blood pressure any more than it already is... If you have friends you can talk to, relatives, or others you trust, I suggest starting there.

As for your suicidal thoughts, I think you need to seek further help. You say you are on medication for some of this stuff so I assume you are receiving some sort of professional assistance, however, if your thoughts of suicide are becoming more frequent, you really need to seriously consider seeking more help. I don't know if there's an outpatient program, psychiatrists/psychologists specially trained in your area of illness or something you could go to? I really don't know much about this stuff other than when it gets to the point that you sound like you're at (and actually even well before this point) you really need to be getting a lot of professional help.

I hope none of my post sounded condescending or anything like that, I did not mean it that way...I was really just trying to relay some information about why your mother's condition isn't all because of you and the fact that I think you need more professional intervention. You seem like a good guy and it makes me really sad in my heart to see, hear, or read about people who sometimes feel their life is so meaningless it would be better to end it. I really hope you get the help you need and I hope you are able to visit your mother in short order. My thoughts and prayers go out to you Mick!

[frommd]

Mick,

Really sorry to hear about this. You need to speak to someone to help you work through this (Priest, psychiatrist). Also, you should make some to see your mother. Good luck with everything, you'll be in my prayers.

[Mark The Homer]

Hi Mick,

I lost my mom ten years ago, so I can relate somewhat.

I like Miss keeastman's post above.

If I was you, I think I'd stop unloading on your Mom, and maybe start unloading on us instead, if you have to. If your mom does happen to leave us prematurely, you certainly don't want any guilt associated with that, even if it's misplaced.

FTR, I think the thread title is incorrect. I can't speak for IRL, but you certainly have value on this site - you're a valued and respected member of this board and I certainly very much enjoy reading your posts.

Please keep us posted.

-Mark

[Mad Mike]

Listen dude. I've had two heart attacks. They are the result of physical conditions not because of anything anyone has done to stress me out in any way. So put that out of your mind. You are not the cause.

Be strong bro.

[Dan T.]

I feel for you, Mick. I said goodbye to my mom less than 2 weeks ago. While the pain is still very raw, I have some comfort knowing that in her final days I was able to convey to her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me my whole life.

Give your mom that same gift. It sounds like she's been someone you could always lean on for support. Tell her how much you appreciate that. It will help you both.

And you. You brighten this board. Keep that up. And know we kid because we love.

Peace.

[CandaceM23]

Check your PM's buddy.

[The 12th Commandment]

Mick you're not alone man. You're not responsible for your mom's health problems, it doesn't work like that. You can help her the most by straightening out your issues and you help yourself too. Go talk to someone and don't be afraid to try a little something they might give you. They work. When my dad was in the hospital a few years back and we thought he might not make it our family doctor set us up and while it didn't take away the pain or worry it helps to put it in perspective. It's easy for us to lose that sometimes. Please get yours back. This place needs you. Your mom needs you.

You're not a wsos; you're a funny, fun loving, crazing joke making, thread starting, football knowing, singer of the National Anthem. The world needs you.

[stwasm]

We're all here for you, Mick, and we care deeply about you. You're not alone. Let us know if any of us can do anything for you. Seriously.

[China]

I agree with many of the posters above. You can't go around thinking you're the cause of your mother's illness. If you're having suicidal thoughts and are on medication, something either isn't working or is working incorrectly and you should seek professional help.

EDIT: On a lighthearted note: Don't let the squirrels win.

[wskin44]

Mick, I recently posted something similar on a Tarhog thread about sharing ourselves on this board. The thread slid into oblivion but I've copied it below.

I don't know you but I've had a lifetime of experience with this, and sometimes you just have to find a reason to make it through the day. You might find that this approach will give you that reason for a little while until you can pull out of it. If this idea isn't something you are comfortable with that's okay too:

Talk to your Mom and promise her that you won't do anything to harm yourself and that you will do everything that you can to find help. This may help her in some little way to gain the strength to recover. Ask her to promise you that she will try to get better. By being courageous enough to do this you can take it as more evidence that you are a good man. I suspect that if you make an inventory of other good things that you have done you can move a little closer to understanding that you are a good person who just has his own hill to climb.

My post to Tarhog's sharing thread:

I thought about this thread for a day before responding. I appreciate Tarhog for bringing it up because I've wondered about my approach to this group for years. One person who I really admire for opening up to this forum is MSF. It doesn't matter that most of us disagree with him on most things, in fact it makes his sharing more impressive because he knows that he will be met with opposition and ridicule.

I haven't been willing to share myself though, keeping comments either in the realm of sarcasm, juvenile humor or political commentary/argument and from time to time I've wondered why. At least some of the reason is that I assume that there is no reason for anyone here to care, but there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. I agree that everyone comes here to fill their own needs and would add that on any given day individual's needs change. Dan T's post today regarding the passing of his Mom is a compelling example of the capacity of this group to be real, which I believe Tarhog was pointing out to us.

Since I joined this group my Mom passed away, too quickly followed by the deaths of three of the best friends that I ever had, all of whom were either my age or younger. I was seperated for 18 months and then moved back in with my wife. I immediately tore my achilles, developed blood clots that ended up in my lungs and put me in the hospital a few days after the death of my third friend, wondering if I was next. Just about the time that I got off of the crutches 12 months ago, my wife got sick and has been deteriorating but has refused to see a doctor (hardheaded to a fault). Recently when someone described many of the same symptoms to her and indicated that it was a thyroid condition I almost posted about her symptons to see if anyone could shed light but for some reason decided not to. Both of her parents died of cancer relatively young, her Mom of thyroid cancer. Leslie smokes 4 packs of cigarettes a day and is resigned to dying early. She did finally agree to see a doctor and has an appointment later this month. My lifelong battle with depression (at age five I knew that there was something different about me) recently had me on the ropes. :shot: Her agreement to go to the doctor gave me a reprieve. I've never shared any of this with anyone here or elsewhere.

For all of that doom and gloom most people know me as someone who will always interject humor at any opportunity and getting people to laugh is genuinely one of my favorite things (right after milk and cookies). I've met many ES folks at the tailgates and although tailgates aren't the recommended way of getting to know folks it adds perspective to the forums. If you come to a game but aren't inclined to meet folks, do yourself a favor and at least introduce yourself to Pez and Huly.

Don't know why I said all of that but sometimes it's time for a change.