brandymac27 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 So, some of you know i got divorced a few years ago. We were married for 14 years. So, to make a really long story short, i let my son go live with my mother because she's a lot more financially stable than me. My son has always been a straight A student, and excelled in football. He, as a freshman, made varsity starting CB and starting LB for JV. The problem is i don't know how to live without him. He's my everything! I see him all the time, but i miss him so God damn much! I've been drinking a lot more than usual because I'm trying to hide the pain of him being away from me. I feel like to want him back is selfish of me, but i miss him soooo much! He's my everything! Do i have him come back with me, or let him stay at my mom's? His father doesn't even acknowledge him. I hate that because he deserves a dad in his life! But i can't control that. I can only control me and him. All i want is him to be happy. But I'm dying inside with him being away from me. Do i have him come back to me, or let him stay with my mom? This is my baby! Please try to honestly help, and keep any smart ass comments to yourself, because if i get any, I'll honestly go ballistic and get banned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destino Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Is living with your mom for a time an option? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chipwhich Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Let him stay with your mom, you aren't in the right state to give him the best. Get yourself together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 No. I can't stay with my mother. My stepfather, who is married to my mom, and i don't get along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 My stepfather molested me when I was 17. When I told my mother about it, she called me a pathological liar. This is why I'm so conflicted. He hurt me so bad, but my kids don't know about it. They don't know what he did to me. So to have my son there, even though he's doing great, kills me. I want to make sure he's safe, and at the same time, make sure he's happy and doing good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostofSparta Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Gotta agree with chip. If you've got a drinking problem, don't just assume "once I get my son back, it'll all go away!" Get your drinking under control first, then think about getting your kid back.  I'm not trying to disparage you with this, but my father was an alcoholic. He always blamed his drinking on some immediate problem that could be resolved, and then he "would quit" when it was resolved. Once that situation was over, he always found a new reason to keep drinking. And if your kid ever finds out that he was related to your drinking in any way/shape/form....just from personal experience I'll tell you that it won't exactly strengthen your bond (to put it mildly).  If you sent your son to live with your mom because she was the more stable option, it's probably best to leave him there as long as that's the case. Once things change, then it's a different story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 I don't know if I have a drinking problem. I know that i drink more now because I miss him. I don't make excuses for anything. I drink because I miss him. That's it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Probably best to leave him there. Finding something productive to keep your mind occupied in your spare time would help (volunteering, sports/exercise,work ect) Â make the best of the situation....for both of ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Same as I would say to anyone considering children, or buying a home, or getting married...  Where are you at in your life ? Financially, stability wise, emotionally, mentally and confidence wise.   If you can't say that you are in at least a pretty good place in all of those areas...fix your situation first.  From that point assess the needs to acquire those things that you desire in life.  Right now, I agree with everyone else (based on your story/situation). 6 months from now I may change my stance on that and would love to be able to have you saying that you were in a good place with those things I mentioned.  First rule of being a parent is doing what is best for the child. Your personal needs are secondary...and usually irrelevant unless there are health issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterMP Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 If your step father molested you at 17 and he's still in the house, I'd say get him out. Â People don't molest one kid generally. Â I'd also suggest you stop drinking. Â If nothing else, you'll save money, which will improve your economic situation. Â Where is his dad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsmarydu Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Hey, girl! I'm gonna agree with Kosher...concentrate on yourself, and part of that is knowing that you've done the best for your son. I know how hard it is to control alcohol, for most of my life it had control over me. (And it still takes a lot of prayer to keep it at bay.) I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. If you can get to the point where you're willing to try, you've made progress already. Baby steps. ~sometimes you may feel like you've taken no steps, but you have. Trust me.~ I really hope you're ok, just text me if you need me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 I feel for you. Â It is very hard to be separated from someone you love and want to be with and there for. You need to find a way to do what's best for your child. I think you can because it takes courage to admit to your using drinking as a coping mechanism even semi-anonymously to a bunch of virtual friends. The fact that you brought it up several times in your OP means consciously or subconsciously you think it is a problem and so it's something you need to deal with. Â You need to do the best for your child and that also means doing the best for you. Â I hope you don't feel beat by this thread. I'm reading a lot of love in here. Â Best, Â Andrew Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrFan Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 First of all I'm very sorry you've been in such a bad situation and I do wish you all the very best for the future. 1) I would start by taking care of myself. Quit the drinking even if you don't do it on a regular basis. You could also try to get support from people who've been dealing with simlilar kind of situation. Seek support/advice from your friends and social welfare. 2) Use the love you have for your child and the desire to be with him to get energized in order to get out of your financial problems and drinking. Your boy is doing great in school, that's awesome, and shall be used as a motivation tool. Keep on talking with him showing him how much you love him, keep on fighting with all the support you can get, maybe he can help you too in one way or another. http://www.womansdivorce.com/commonly-asked-divorce-questions.html "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Nietzsche Sincerely Patrick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chew Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Brandy, I can't speak on your son's sotuation as I'm not a parent myself. But one thing I do know about (expert even lol) is drinking to ease the pain. that's often how it starts. If you find yourself starting to drink daily, you might want to talk to somebody. I wish I had nipped my drinking issues in the bud early, before the bottle took over my life. not even sure if the drinking is a major problem for you, but alcohol abuse sneaks up on you very quickly. Trust me, I'm an alcoholic Wish you the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisterPinstripe Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Honestly, your situation may not be great, but there is no way I would let my children live with a child molester. No reason to allow that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sacks 'n' Stuff Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 I went 6 years without drinking then about 14 months ago started back up. I didn't think much of it but it got to the point where I was doing it every day. It wasn't even making me feel good although it did lead to some pretty funny posts (to me at least) on here. I was just doing it to not feel bad. Of course, that meant I wasn't really dealing with my issues and the cycle just repeated. Stopped a few weeks ago. I actually feel better but yeah, there are some times where I do feel bad because of all of the stuff going on in my life (brother in jail, mom's health problems, had to move back in with her, etc) but at least I'm dealing with it constructively and going through the process of feeling good again. Â Which reminds me of a great song... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Springfield Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 A life with someone who loves them on minimal income is better than a life with a potential child molester. It's ok to work on yourself as well as tend to your child at the same time. Sounds like you need a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEANDWARF Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 I am so sorry for the turmoil that you are going though right now. Can't imagine what it would be like to be separated from your child for financial or otherwise. Hope you find peace with whatever decision you make in this matter. As far as advice, don't use alcohol to hide the pain you are going though.Because once the alcohol wears off the pain is still there. Learned that a long time ago. For what it is worth, I put you on my prayer list. Once again I hope you find peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redskins3D Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 My stepfather molested me when I was 17. When I told my mother about it, she called me a pathological liar. This is why I'm so conflicted. He hurt me so bad, but my kids don't know about it. They don't know what he did to me. So to have my son there, even though he's doing great, kills me. I want to make sure he's safe, and at the same time, make sure he's happy and doing good!  Without knowing all the complexities of your situation; based on that, I wouldn't allow my child in that house.  EDIT: see someone else said that, wasn't trying to pile on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elessar78 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 On the drinking, check out this article from The Atlantic:  http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2015/03/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/  I know there could be a lot of recovering alcoholics here, so I'm not out to slam AA. But just know there are new, medically proven medicines that reduce alcohol craving. White knuckle abstinence is not the only way to deal with alcoholism any more. A life with someone who loves them on minimal income is better than a life with a potential child molester. It's ok to work on yourself as well as tend to your child at the same time.Sounds like you need a friend. Sex offenders, particularly pedophiles, have a "type" and, 99% of the time will not molest anyone that does not fit their type. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 On the drinking, check out this article from The Atlantic: Â http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2015/03/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/ Â I know there could be a lot of recovering alcoholics here, so I'm not out to slam AA. But just know there are new, medically proven medicines that reduce alcohol craving. White knuckle abstinence is not the only way to deal with alcoholism any more. Not trying to derail the topic, but I've read a study that the whole alcohol abstinence thing isn't really necessary for the vast majority of alcoholics. Most people can handle moderation, and the abstinence-only approach is destined to fail for a lot of people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balki1867 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 This might sound rough but it's not your son's job to make you feel complete as a person. Â You deserve a ton of credit for doing something so selfless as to let him live with your mom. Â At the same time, you're supposed to be there for him-- not vice versa. Â So use the time to get the drinking under control, get your stuff together and make sure to call him for ~10 minutes every day just so he knows mom is still part of his life. Also-- a lot of people are turned off by the religious aspects of AA. Â I'm not here to voice an opinion on that either way, but if you fall in that group, SMART Recovery is another good program worth checking out. Â They focus on total sobriety in the short-term (to kill the cravings) but it's more open-ended in allowing people to drink casually after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sacase Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Here is the thing. Can you give him a room, food and clothes. If yes, then he will be fine with you. Kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for. We don't have to give our kids the fairy tail life for them to be good. If he has his own room, has a full belly and you can put clothes on his back (not designer), then with your love, everything will be ok. He is going to learn from you. Please don't think that material things will make him happy. You can be poor and still be an excellent parent. Furthermore, there is no way in hell I would keep my child in the home of a known child molester. I would give my son my room and sleep on the couch before I would let him live in that house. Talk with your son about it, I bet he would rather be with his mom everyday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 As great as your post is sacase... are you sure you want to make that wager ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve09ru Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 This is the part, for me, that should give you your answer:  "My son has always been a straight A student, and excelled in football. He, as a freshman, made varsity starting CB and starting LB for JV."  He did this because of you. As sacase mentioned above, if you can provide him with a roof, clothes and food then there is nothing that you should be hesitant on. Food doesn't have to be expensive, look at options/meals that can last for more than 1 day. A loaf of bread, cheese and lunch meat ($6 bucks) can last a week. You just have to look at what you spend and if you are overpaying or not. I buy some bologna, bread, cheese and chips for around $8 and it lasts me more than a week (bread and cheese last a bit longer). Crock pot meals, frozen veggies, you can do all of that for fairly cheap and you have it for a few days too. As someone else mentioned, if you're drinking a lot then you can literally cut that and provide lunch for a couple weeks ($20-$30 bucks of beer/alcohol can be lunch for up to a 3-4 weeks alone). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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