spjunkies Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 No matter what you're doing what you think is right as a mother. I know it cannot be easy but you're doing the right thing by looking out for his future and that is extremely commendable IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Brandy, first, I am very sorry to hear of your situation and sincerely hope it soon improves. IMO, the 2 biggest priorities for you are to stop drinking and to get your son out of a house where he is living with a stepfather you have accused of molesting you. That said, I think you need to draw support from other, more qualified people than those of us on ES ---I mean we're awesome and all, but very few of us have any experience dealing with the type of multifaceted issues you are facing when determining whether or not your son should come back to live with you. Are there counseling or other supportive resources through your work that you might be able to access to help you sort things out? I wish I had the answers for you, but I can only wish you the best from here and encourage you to seek tangible support from within your community; I truly think that's the best bet. And of course we'll always be here to provide encouragement from afar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koolblue13 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Brandy, I stopped drinking 3 1/2 months ago. I'm a habitual alcoholic I guess. It's really difficult for me, not to drink. I love to hide in a bottle and still don't know how to get the weight of the world off my shoulders and it's a brutal struggle for me. I'm still bartending too. Not as much, but I am. Stop drinking and get your son back. I think sarcase and PMP nailed it. You can always reach out to me about the drinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MintHillSkinsFan Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 How does he feel about going to live with his grandmother as opposed to staying with you? Have you sat down and talked to him or arranged for counseling for him to find out how he is really doing? I'm not saying kids always know what the right or best thing for themselves is but he sounds like a pretty mature kid and is definitely old enough to have some say in the matter. His Dad isn't around so I would venture to say even though you still see him, he's probably still feeling somewhat abandoned by you both. You sound like a great mom so he probably wants to come back to you as much as you want him to come home. As hard as it may be to admit to him what you're going through, and no matter what you decide about the living situation after that discussion, he'll respect your honesty and in my mind, that can only make your relationship stronger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
codeorama Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 I am a single parent. My son's mother left us when he was 2, after being married for 10 years. My job is to take care of my son. You cannot take care of your son if you are drinking too much. There's no way in hell I'd let my son live with a pedophile. Period. End of story. Get your life together for your son and take care of him. Do whatever it takes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbs Hog Heaven Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 I'm always reticent to add to threads like these, for as SK so pertinently alluded to; in reality, very few if any of us are truly qualified to give advice without actually being in Dave's situation. All I will add, and I appreciate she's opened the door by even bringing her personal situation here and asking for help; but I think it's wholly wrong of any us to judge, either on the alcohol 'issue' or more so the 'letting her child live with someone who's abused her' assertion. Without being in that situation, none of us truly know what we'd do or what leads upto that. It's painfully obvious how much she loves her boy, and I have little to no doubt that if she thought he was under ANY risk, from ANYONE, of living at her mom's then she wouldn't of allowed him to go there. PERIOD! He's only there, so far as we know, as that situation offers more than she can currently offer him at home. And man that must of been one HELL of a hard situation for a mom to come to. So I don't think we should be so quick to rush to judgement. The same as with the drinking thing. She said she's turned to drinking more to get past the pain of not having one of her children where she so obviously craves him to be. Now, I aren't naive enough to say that isn't where a lot of alcohol related problems start. Nor am I down playing it. But unless we're in her situation, knowing exactly what 'drinking more' entails, we are in NO position to judge. Again, I appreciate she's opened it up by even bringing it here, and I aren't meaning to come across as condescending to anyone. I guess I'm just saying until we've actually walked in Dave's shoes, we shouldn't be so quick to critics/ judge her. Hail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Judging is a natural response. We don't choose to judge, we automatically do as adults and children really. Not to mention, if you post something like this situation of course there is going to be judging, rightfully or not...it's going to happen. Psst...you're judging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Confused by the dave / her in ghh post.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbs Hog Heaven Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Confused by the dave / her in ghh post.. Long running in-joke down to a multitude of posters mistaking her for a male. Not like the nick or anything gives it away like ..... Hail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Ok lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Hang in there, we are here for you! Please take good care of yourself. Whatever the next right step may be, you have to be in a sound body and mind to make it right. Exercise and eat right. Find a hobby. Practice something. Meetup with new people, make sure you spend time in social settings. Find a way to feel like you are growing - this is crucial. Get inspired by people like Tony Robbins, James Altucher, Tim Ferris, David Allen, whatever. Remember that it is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling rather than feel yourself into a better way of acting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjfootballer Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 As a lot of people know, I was in a deep depression about a year and a half ago. I had issues I'd never dealt with. Luckily for me, I didn't turn to alcohol or drugs to mask my pain. My Dad is an alcoholic, so that turned me off right there. Anyway, not about me, but I think Brandy, you need to get to the root of what is bothering you. Drinking is a temporary fix that doesn't solve the problem. I'd seek couseling to help you to get back to your normal self. I know couseling isn't for everyone, but I found that I was "hiding" my problems and not "dealing" with them. Once I dealt with them, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and mind. I have to say, I'm a new person because of it. I still have a ways to go, but I'm headed in the right direction. I feel like you will need to deal with your problems first, get better and then you will be able to reunite with your son. Good luck and I'm here for PM's if you need someone to talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurd Cudins Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I quit drinking 7 years ago. Best decision I've ever made. Right now your son is doing well. Anything you do that could possibly derail that would be a very selfish act. The only selfless thing you can do right now is support his current situation and quit drinking. What you will find is that if you quit for your son, you will really end up quitting for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I believe it is more than just the drinking and the son. I could be completely wrong, and would be happy to be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chachie Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I believe it is more than just the drinking and the son. I could be completely wrong, and would be happy to be wrong. I almost posted yesterday that I thought there were gaps in the story here. I don't want to appear "suspect" or "skeptical" at all. I just feel like I need to hear more in order to offer two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcsluggo Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 how far away are you from your mom's house? is it an option to move very close (same school district), and keep him with you, with the understanding that you will have to lean on her (and her house) sometimes, but he will live with you??? (YOUR house being the son's actual home, but Mom's house and mom's care are there if you need it?) He is high school age, so already has some self-sufficiency.... If you really are fully mentally/emotionally up to having him with you (and finances are teh constraint), then bring him back in with you. If you are both strong, he can be a partner in solving this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lombardi's_kid_brother Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I'm really smart, but I'm not a licensed family therapist. So don't listen to anything I say. And maybe find a licensed family therapist or social worker or someone that can help you better than a message board. Since I can't help myself, there's a reason that the flight attendants tell you to put on your oxygen mask before you put one on your child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbs Hog Heaven Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 So did any of this 'advice' help out? You can't just open yourself up to the group on such a personal matter then leave us hanging! Curious minds and all that Dave! Hail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Certainly a discussion that peaked my interest as Brandy has been here for a while. I hope she is safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chew Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Couldn't disagree more with some of the posts about rehab and the 12 step program not working. That program saved my life and my marriage. I'm not religious, so when it came to the god stuff, I just considered the strength of the group my "higher power." I do agree that each persons addiction is different and stems from different life situations, and maybe a 12 step program doesn't work for all addicts. Hell, being honest, the group did more for me than the 12 steps did. The comradery and the support from my bros and homegals in the group have me strength. Sorry for the random rant, but there was an article earlier in this thread written by some dbag who basically looked down on AA, saying it doesn't really work. I've got over a year sober and a middle finger for that bamma (the person who wrote the article, not the ES member who posted it). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoCalMike Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Your mom's financial security is not a good enough reason to allow your son to live with a child molester. I can't fathom ever allowing something like that to happen. If you can afford to put a roof over his head and food on the table, he should be with you. If your mom chooses to help out financially for her grandson's sake, great. It seems like she does care for him enough to want to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0crates Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 And maybe find a licensed family therapist or social worker or someone that can help you better than a message board.I agree with this. Based on what you've shared, I would certainly advise getting some help. The story you tell is quite worrisome. With the financial stress, the divorce, the molestation, the drinking, the distrust, and the codependency, I get the idea there is a lot of dysfunction in your family. It must be really hard. That's just my sense of it, but as LKB says, this is the type of thing that should be addressed by professionals. Just having somebody to talk to can do a lot of good. If you cannot afford to pay a therapist, there are still lots of places you can go for help. Maybe check your local women's resource center, they should be able to recommend good people and services for you, everything from counseling to career services and financial advice, and they usually have free and low cost options for people who need them. Here is one in the DC area: http://www.thewomenscenter.org There are a bunch of these places that do good work for people in situations like yours. Shop around and find one you feel comfortable with. It sounds like you have a lot of love for your son. I hope you also love yourself. I think getting help would be good for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 Hi everyone. And thank you for all of your replies and support. I apologize for taking so long to respond, but after the depression and increased drinking, i decided to check myself into a hospital to get help. I found i have a lot of issues that go back to my childhood (mainly my relationship with my mother), and getting that intense therapy in the hospital was much needed. As much as it kills me, my son is still at my mother's house, but now that I have gotten help and am receiving outpatient therapy (seeing a good psychiatrist too who has given me anti depressants), and stopped drinking, my son will be coming back to live with me in a few weeks. My priority has always been my kids. My oldest is away at college, so she's doing really well. But my son is only 15, and he needs me. My mother left me and my sister when we were very young. I refuse to abandon my kids like she did. I found out that was the reason for a lot of my pain after letting my son go to my mother's house. I felt like I had abandoned him. But, i know that no matter what happens, he has always excelled in academics and sports, and been a really happy kid. I never drank like that until he was gone, so we were always happy together, even if financially things weren't the greatest. I raised 2 great kids, and I'm so damn proud of them. Even now, my son tells me he just wants me to be happy again and he can't wait to come home to be with me (and his friends) lol. Anyway, i wanted to apologize for how long it took me to update you, and i wanted to thank all of you again for your advice, support, PM's, etc. Nobody except my family and boss know what's going on, so i really haven't talked to anyone in "real life" about this except my therapists and Dr. I guess i thought it would be easier talking to you on an anonymous message board in the hopes that i wouldn't be judged. But again, sorry for the venting lol, and again, thank you all. All your support means more than you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dont Taze Me Bro Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Glad to hear you got everything back in order Brandy. Stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbs Hog Heaven Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Great to read Dave, The measures you've taken thus far off your own back shows you're a far stronger person than you give yourself credit for. Made up for you that with help, you've gotten through that spell and are now in a much clearer, happier place. And don't be silly in apologising for letting this thread go. Life, yourself and your family come WAY before anything else. Hail. *Edit* You still owe me a beer or 10 BTW. Don't think just because you're no longer drinking that wipes that out!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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