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stevenaa

By stevenaa
in The Tailgate

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Renegade7

Renegade7

Posted
Posted

@Mr. SinisterMy parents had completely opposite parenting styles, too, but it backfired terribly.  I want to preface this by reminding ya'll that my mom is Type 1 Bipolar.

 

My mom wanted to be our my little sister and my friend so damn bad when we were teenagers, and my sister took cold-blooded advantage of it.  It completely negated everything my dad tried to do by the time we were teenagers. I know why my mom did it, she was guilty as hell for when my parents separated when we were in elementary school.  She was so dead-*** wrong the way she went about it that she was one of the first white women in Virginia history to lose sole-custody of her kids to their black father (at least that's what my dad's lawyer told him at the time).

 

My father will tell you to this day that one of the worst mistakes he ever made was letting my mom back in his apartment after the guy she was messing with kicked her out, but he'd never take it back.  He feared for her life; this is around the time she was first diagnosed, so it was manifesting while she was completely unmedicated.  He didn't want that guilt on his hands and for us to possibly turn on him when we got older because of, he felt it was worth it having both our parents in our lives, for better or for worse.  Nearly two decades later he was right, but it was Hell getting there.

 

Like I said, my little sister went level 11 to the point they had to put a Chinn Petition on her to save her life.  I took a very macro view of it all, so I didn't, but they were so busy trying to save her life that they didn't realize how bad I was f'n up until it was too late (that is a lesson I will never forget once I'm a parent). 

 

The first thing kids learn is manipulation.  If they smell blood, they will have you arguing with each other over their bed time while they sneak off with some cookies to watch cartoons in their room (seen it with my own eyes).  That's hard enough to deal with as it is if the parents aren't on the same page, and why I'm sympathetic to some parents who choose to stay single parents so no one can interfere with how they are raising them (I still believe kids are better off with two parents, stats support that, but I see both sides to it).

 

Advice that makes sense to me if it hasn't already been said:

 

Rule #1:  Make clear why they are wrong and why you're upset with them.  Their brains aren't fully developed, so the explanation you'd give to a 15 year old is not what you'd give to a 5 year old

Rule #2:  Temper your expectations.  They are going to **** up at some point, expect that.  Some kids lose track of your explanation BECAUSE you are yelling at them, just try to keep it from happening again

Rule #3:  The fear of the ***-whopping is the real weapon.  The second your child can look at you with a straight face after you put a belt to them, you've created a monster

Rule #4:  Challenge them to be independent.  It's tough when you know everyday they'll never be as cute and cuddly as the day before, but its for their own good.

Rule #5:  Show them you love them more then you tell them.  My mom told me more, my dad showed me more, it affects our relationships to this day.

Rule #6:  "Because I said so" is an acceptable answer, but it can't be your permanent default.  Why?  Refer to Rule #1.

Rule #7:   This may be the most important:  Don't make promises you can't keep.  If you aren't sure, temper their expectations instead of breaking their heart.  They'll remember those moments you broke your promise more then they'll remember what exactly happened when they get older, it accumulates, and there's a threshold

 

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Voice_of_Reason

Voice_of_Reason

Posted
Posted

“My father settled our relationship when I was 7 years old.  ‘Son,’ he said, ‘I brought you into this world.  I can take you out.  Make another that looks just like you.’” - Bill Cosby.  (And yes, I squirm when I quote him because of what he did, but that quote was pretty applicable.

 

My basic rules of parenting:

1. Don’t yell in anger. Ever.  The only time I raise my voice it’s for something urgent, and my 4 year old knows it. 

 

2. Don’t say No too much.  But when I do say no, explain why and it’s non-negotiable. 

 

3. Don’t try and have a conversation when the child is having a tantrum.  Kids throw tantrums.  Trying to reason with them during it is a pointless exercise.  Calm them down first then explain what they did wrong and the consequence.  

 

4. Positive encouragement more often than consequences.  But consequences are necessary.  I asked my kid what she thought her punishment should be for disobeying.  Tearfully she said to sleep without her stuffed animals.  It might not seem like much, but to her it’s a HUGE threat and consequence. 

 

5. If you need help, get it as soon as you can.  Our daughter was having a REALLY difficult time getting to sleep and would wake up screaming.  Night terrors. We had to get some counseling, for her and us (so we knew what to do to help get her to sleep and the. What to do when she woke up), so we could get through that, because none of us was getting any sleep, which was having effects on the rest of our lives.  We went to counseling for 8 months, for some techniques, which worked, and we’re past it.  The lesson, there is no user manual for parenting, if something feels off, it probably is, and asking for help can be a life saver.  

 

For knowing my parents didn’t do any of that.  Kinda the opposite.  Which is How I ended up diagnosed as dyslexic in college and not 2nd grade when ALL the signs were there.  I still can’t get better than 70% on a 4 grade math test, and damn it, it’s not because of careless mistakes.  Seriously, when I was prepping for the GMAT, I downloaded and took 4th grade math tests.  I actually did better in calculus than arithmetic. 

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Mr. Sinister

Mr. Sinister

Posted
Posted

:rofl89:Set yourself up for that one.

 

Poor Lee ?

........

 

I've been on record several times, mentioning my pretty tumultuous childhood (though there were plenty of fun times). If you make it through, it definitely gives you ample blueprints on precisely what not to do, so I can relate in that regard.

 

Just have to free your mind in order to see everything clearly and not fall into the same traps. I did a crappy job, from 18-22, but I feel like I have a firm grip on everything, now. 

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Dont Taze Me Bro

Dont Taze Me Bro

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, Kosher Ham said:

Probably just light rain here. 

Southern Comfort is more than just a crappy bourbon knockoff. 

 

Gotta love the redneck bourbon with lime juice shots dawg.....

 

 

Chiped a tooth today after a filling came out  earlier..... ****ing hate going to the dentist.

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Mr. Sinister

Mr. Sinister

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, skinsmarydu said:

And hubby's on the phone with his daughter, who needs 2 grand. 

Good thing I grabbed this bottle of vodka on the way home. 

I'll let y'all know before I jump out the window. 

 

Never heard of a kid calling up their folks for that amount of dough. Thankfully, I had frugality and responsibility drilled into me at an early age, so I haven't had to borrow money in a long time. Had about 5k in my savings, and that was before my settlement last fall.

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TheGreatBuzz

TheGreatBuzz

Posted
Posted

I had to call my mom for money once when I was young.  She drove from MD to FL, made me give her access to all my accounts, figured out what I actually needed (instead of what I was asking for), showed me (again) how to make a budget and keep a check book, ended up loaning me about $500.  I had to pay her back over 6 months and she charged me interest.  Until she was paid back I had to let her still have access to my account so she could make sure I wasn't screwing up again.  I learned a lot that weekend.

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