The Parenting Thread - Advice, Tips, Etc.

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

I didn't see a specific thread where parents could ask questions or seek advice, etc. I decided to create this thread as a one stop shop for parents for advice, tips, etc. on all things involving their kids, grand children, nieces/nephews.

The objective of this thread is to provide an outlet where a parent can seek out advice on how to handle any situation involving their child (behavior, punishments, rewards, etc.) and engage in conversation with others that have been through similar situations.

Advice/discussion is not limited to any specific age of the child, it can be a newborn, toddler, etc., even up to college aged (maybe one needs advice on majors, degrees, schools, etc.). It's open to everyone (parents, someone that helped raised or raised a niece/nephew, grandparents, teachers, guidance counselors, etc.)

I do ask that if you participate in a discussion and you don't agree with advice someone has given that you do your best to refrain from calling them out or attacking their advice. Just because you might disagree with how one person handled a situation, doesn't mean that it's the wrong way. Every child is different in how they respond to certain things. If you do disagree, do it respectfully and explain why you disagree (e.g. we tried that and it was a huge fail or my brother tried that with my nephew and it made things worse, etc.).

So, with all that said, I'll go first. My daughter is 8 years old. Right now the one thing she is doing that just irks me is flat out lying to our face. It's not all the time and its about simple things. We have tried to encourage her to always tell us the truth and if she comes clean upfront that the punishment most likely will be less. But every once in a while, she will just lie.

Anyone go through this with their child? Is it just a phase? When I was her age, I never did that, because my parents were always easier on me if I told the truth.

[chipwhich]

My younger daughter would lie and stick with that lie regardless of the fact that I knew it was a lie.  Thankfully she grew out of it.  We laugh about it now.  She turns 17 in August.

[tshile]

try not to be a parent that is super defensive of the parenting decisions you've made, or super critical of the decisions other parents have made.

 

no one enjoys talking to that type of parent. ever.

 

that's about all I have after 11 months of being a parent. i feel like if I go any further i'll be that guy that took intro to macro economics and now knows how the whole world works.

oh and be careful what you teach your toddlers/infants.

 

i taught mine how to turn lights on/off, and how to turn the tub on/off

 

this has already proven to be a mistake.

 

he turned on a tub with no drain connected and sent gallons of water into someone's basement (turns out he can't read the "don't use tub, drain not connected" sign), and every time we change him he sees a nearby light switch and fights us to get up and go mess with it.

[Springfield]

Yep. Quickly learning, as time goes on, that **** just... happens.

We have a 20 month old* boy and my wife is due with our next boy on July 25. I've learned that kids will do anything strange and crazy. Now, when I see parents with crying kids I commiserate instead of calling them bad parents. You can only control so much.

*I thought listing your child's age by weeks or months was completely dumb before I had kids. Now, I understand that there is a very good reason for this. A 1 year old at 12 months is DRASTICALLY different than a 1 year old at 20 months.

It's super awesome to watch their development. Sometimes I wish my guy would start stringing these many words into sentences and recognizing the significance of words like "please", "thank you" etc. I'm sure it will come in time though.

Everything I've heard says that parenting two kids is drastically more difficult than one.

[Fergasun]

My son is 10 and we go through the "lying" thing. I don't know if ge does it because he has a friend who tells fantastical stories, is trying to just be silly, or why.

Maybe it has subsided a bit recently... but yeah - even stuff we just want to know both my kids "lie" about 7 and 10.

Like something gets broken, both are there, neither will "take resppnsibility".

I use quotes because they are still young and we gave an adult perspective on this... 7 year olds, 8 year olds, 10 year olds gonna act that way.

As my son enters middle school (3 years in CA) - I just look at him and say, "don't grow up"!!

[HOF44]

Don't be a germaphobe with your kids.  Let them get dirty, don't keep them out of public places for fear of catching a bug.  As immune systems are developing they need that exposure.  If you don't, watch out when they hit public school or daycare!

[Skinsfan1311]

Here's a kind of long, and very incomplete list.   

 

Don't be a "Helicopter" parent.

Don't be afraid to let them fail.  It's okay. Everyone does, at some point, and it will make them stronger for it.

Don't discourage them.

Don't be one of those "not my kid" parents.  You're kid will do some stupid **** & will have to pay the consequences. It's going to happen

Don't be overprotective, or shelter them too much. Kids will get dirty, drink water out of a hose, or puddle water, and won't always wash their hands.

Don't allow them to be bully's

Don't be afraid to take them out of school, for family vacations*

 

 

Do's:

Do lead by example.

Do encourage your kids.

Do punish them, when they do wrong

Do teach them manners. Yes Ma'am, Yes Sir, chew with your mouth closed, and respect your elders.

Do teach them to look someone in the eye, when they're having a conversation.

Do meet their parents friends, and make an effort to know where they are

Do tell them that you love them. Tell them a lot.  Our sons are 33 and 26 years old, and almost  every conversation ends with that phrase.

Do stick to your guns.  If you ground them for an hour, a day, or a week, stick to it.  If you do not, they will not take you seriously.

Do try to have a family meal, where you sit together, with the TV and phones turned off.  Talk to your kids.  Even if it's not every night, try to do it as often as possible.

 

 

*This is my "FU" to those teachers, and parents, who told us that we shouldn't take our kids out of school for a family vacation, "because of the negative consequences"

 

Well, in spite of the "consequences", we did pull them out of school, five times.   Our oldest son earned his Masters, graduated from law school, and passed the Maryland Bar exam, on his first try. He's married and in the process of having their 2nd house built.  Our youngest, earned his Bachelors,  is an instructor at a local Defense contractor, and is searching for a house now.

[HOF44]

Well, in spite of the "consequences", we did pull them out of school, five times.   Our oldest son earned his Masters, graduated from law school, and passed the Maryland Bar exam, on his first try. He's married and in the process of having their 2nd house built.  Our youngest, earned his Bachelors,  is an instructor at a local Defense contractor, and is searching for a house now.

So whatever you do Don't Stop Believin!!!

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

My younger daughter would lie and stick with that lie regardless of the fact that I knew it was a lie.  Thankfully she grew out of it.  We laugh about it now.  She turns 17 in August.

 

Yeah, wife thinks it's just a phase.  It's just annoying, because it's stuff she should know better than to lie about.  Example, she had a bad habit of not flushing the toilet after she used it.  Wife noticed in their bathroom that she had taken a dump and not flushed.  

 

She gets called out for it and denies it.  Says she didn't even use the bathroom and it had to be someone else.  I never use their bathroom and it wasn't the wife.  We explain that to her and she continues to deny ever using the bathroom.  I know it's minor and not a big deal, but it is just the fact she can sit there and continue to stick with a lie after being busted.

 

I do laugh about it, but hoping it's just a phase that will pass as she gets older.  

[TheGoodBits]

Got a 4 month old. It's absurd how much they change on a week to week basis. Last week he learned to roll from his back to his stomach and now he does it basically every time he is put down in his crib. This week he's learned that he can make really funny squealing noises, and LOVES to hear himself talk, loudly. I'm enjoying this next couple months before he's mobile. Not sure what I'm going to do when he can crawl all over the place, it sounds terrifying.

[ExoDus84]

[Bliz]

Yeah, wife thinks it's just a phase.  It's just annoying, because it's stuff she should know better than to lie about.  Example, she had a bad habit of not flushing the toilet after she used it.  Wife noticed in their bathroom that she had taken a dump and not flushed.  

 

She gets called out for it and denies it.  Says she didn't even use the bathroom and it had to be someone else.  I never use their bathroom and it wasn't the wife.  We explain that to her and she continues to deny ever using the bathroom.  I know it's minor and not a big deal, but it is just the fact she can sit there and continue to stick with a lie after being busted.

 

I do laugh about it, but hoping it's just a phase that will pass as she gets older.  

 

I have an 8 year old daughter as well.  We had one major incident of lying and a few more minor ones.  Part of it is a phase, maybe, but the way we dealt with it was through enhanced punishment.  Instead of just more time without screens or timeouts or whatever, lying to me or my wife is just about the only thing she can do to get a spanking (in addition to the punishment for the underlying conduct).  We didn't want that to be part of our usual punishment repertoire, and my wife won't do it at all, but we chose to go that route and remind her about it to emphasize how seriously we take lying to us.  I really don't want to derail into THAT conversation, but that's what worked for us - drilling in the idea that the punishment for lying is worse, and different from, the punishment for the underlying conduct.

[Elessar78]

Right now the one thing she is doing that just irks me is flat out lying to our face.  It's not all the time and its about simple things.  We have tried to encourage her to always tell us the truth and if she comes clean upfront that the punishment most likely will be less.  But every once in a while, she will just lie.  

 

Anyone go through this with their child?  Is it just a phase?  When I was her age, I never did that, because my parents were always easier on me if I told the truth.  

When kids misbehave they are more often than not testing limits. How much can I get away with? Where is the limit of safety?

 

Don't tolerate the lying of course. If you catch her in a lie, then she needs a consequence ASAP as if she punched another kid or something. Call her on it. 

 

Behavior doesn't change in a few days—you have to be consistent. IMO, when parents say things like "it's a phase she grew out of"—they really say "we managed to modify her behavior over time". I think the big thing is not to make a big fuss about it—as to not give her the reaction she may be looking for with her attention seeking behavior. Be chill. Be coldblooded. If she lies, then consequence ASAP. Predetermine the consequence ahead of time so you can be decisive and it's appropriate. If she lies, then she loses her favorite toy/stuffed animal for the day. 

 

Predetermining the consequence 1) makes her aware of what she stands to lose and 2) doesn't put you in a position where you take away her stuffed animal for a day but she needs it for bedtime so now you've created a bedtime problem for yourself. 

 

The other approach is the positive approach: Catch them being good.

 

I learned this from a child therapist. Create a reward system. For example, she can earn ten stars toward a prize. Can be a simple dollar store prize. If she goes until lunchtime without lying, she earns a star. If she again goes until bedtime without lying, she earns a star. If she has the opportunity to lie and doesn't—she earns a star. 

 

And you can attack the problem with both approaches (negative and positve) 

[chipwhich]

One thing I notice a lot of parents do today is make their kids into video game crack babies.  There is so much focus around the time allotted, the reward system, the punishment, etc that it makes the video game like the golden wonka ticket.

 

I never did that with my kids, they had unlimited access to video games and television.  When their friends came over, all they wanted to do is sit on video games because of their restrictions at home.

 

Now that my kids are older, they don't have much to do with video games or television.

[grhqofb5]

Here's a few pet peeves:

 

(1) Don't talk to people about how smart your kids are.  Even if they are truly smart, not only is it annoying, some people have children that have learning issues, etc.

(2) Don't talk to people about how big your kids are.  Everyone's kid seems to be in the 90th percentile for height and weight, which is strange because I don't see a bunch of 6'5" teenagers walking around.  Again, annoying and some people have children with growth issues.

(3) Don't act like your child must be quarantined from another child who has a mild sickness, like a cold, and don't get all jittery if you see another kid sneeze or cough. We have a friend like that, and she more or less is obsessed with keeping her kids germ free. 

(4) Don't cancel play dates, visits, etc. unless there's a good reason to do so.  If you've found something better to do, that's not a good reason.

(5) Don't exclude children from a playgroup because you don't like the kid's parents. If there's a reason why you don't want your kids around certain parents (safety, parents are nuts, etc.) try to not exclude their kids from activities at neutral sites, or birthday parties.  It's not the kid's fault.

[stevenaa]

I went through a lying phase.  I stopped when I got punished for eating cookies that my Brother and Sister ate.  My parents believed them over me.  That was all it took for me.     

 

 

 

The best parenting advice I ever got came from my children's pediatrician.   He told us that the first time our daughter went through the night without waking and wanting a bottle meant she didn't need food at night and we didn't have to night feed after that.  We followed that advice with all three of our kiddos and they all started sleeping through the night much sooner than our friends kids.  Had to put up with a few nights of fussing after we stopped the bottle, but then they just stopped waking up.  Wonderful advice.

[CBass1724]

This thread will be a fantastic form of birth control for me.  I can't wait til we get to the common core math dilemma when you all have to help your kids with their homework.

 

 

[TD_washingtonredskins]

My son turns 9 this summer and he's in a phase where he feels like he has to tell us EVERYTHING that he's done or thought of doing that would technically be "bad" behavior. Don't get me wrong, I love how transparent he is and know that there will come a day when I will hope he'll say 4 words to me. 

 

He's just very hard on himself and we can't tell if he's fishing for reassurance, just feeling guilty, testing us to see what we will and won't get upset about, etc. Has anyone dealt with this before? 

[gbear]

I have to smile seeing so many having trouble with lying kids.  This past week, I wrote about my son's lying almost costing the family our ability to foster children http://thelifewelllived.net/2016/05/24/learning-how-to-see-family/

 

Lying is one thing we do not accept, and we make sure the consequences are told up front.   This is for what you did, and this is for lying about it.  Still, nothing seems to phase O.  His therapist is of no help, suggesting we do all the things we already do.  My wife gets annoyed saying its pointless to listen to him,  I try to reassure her that this means people who deal with these issues for a living suggest we are doing the correct thing.  None of this means it works of course, but at least we are not crazy to react as we do.

 

As for parenting advice, mine may sound odd for many.  Write about it.  When you make a habit of writing about the situations your family experiences and sometimes endures, it can change how you look at what is going on.  The example I use is when O always wanted to get up as soon as we put him to bed.  He would suddenly need to go to the bathroom...over and over again despite going on the bed as part of a bedtime routine.  Well, we got tired of it and the wandering in the night which we knew wasn't safe.  So we reversed the locks on his door.  One night after going to bed for the third time, we told him he had to stay in his room.  He showed us.  He shoved his poo under the door as if he was mailing it to us.  It was that night that we learned when a kid shoves poo under the door, it is not enough to clean the poo outside the door and the arc from opening the door.  When we thought we were finished and closed the door, we got to steam clean the carpet all over again.  Clean the bottom of the door.  It's a hard lesson at 11:00pm, but we will remember it.  Still, that was the first time I found myself wondering while dealing with the stain, "this sucks, but will it make a funny story on which to think back?"  I started laughing.  Just thinking of recounting the things our kids do can change our perspective, often for the better.

[Bliz]

 

 

I learned this from a child therapist. Create a reward system. For example, she can earn ten stars toward a prize. Can be a simple dollar store prize. If she goes until lunchtime without lying, she earns a star. If she again goes until bedtime without lying, she earns a star. If she has the opportunity to lie and doesn't—she earns a star. 

 

And you can attack the problem with both approaches (negative and positve) 

 

I mentioned that we had one major issue with lying.  Ironically, the reward system was what drove it.

 

At school they get "behavior bucks" that are shown on a daily sheet that we have to initial every day.  She was going through a stretch with some difficulties behaving the right way at school, so we put in an incentive system.  She was having trouble keeping herself from talking to her friends and whatnot and losing bucks, and upset that she wasn't going to earn the incentive, so she falsified the sheet.  Showed herself getting more bucks than she actually earned, then in the morning erased and changed it back to the real number.  Went on 2-3 days before we caught it.

 

I think the problem was we built it up too much.  Set a big goal with a good prize for behavior that she wanted really badly, but the goal was a bit of a reach.  So we dialed it back, with everything broken up more, and prizes from the $1 section at Target.  That plus the big punishment for lying seems to have worked pretty well so far

[Elessar78]

^^They wouldn't be American if they didn't try to game the system. 

[zoony]

Here's a few pet peeves:

(1) Don't talk to people about how smart your kids are. Even if they are truly smart, not only is it annoying, some people have children that have learning issues, etc.

(2) Don't talk to people about how big your kids are. Everyone's kid seems to be in the 90th percentile for height and weight, which is strange because I don't see a bunch of 6'5" teenagers walking around. Again, annoying and some people have children with growth issues.

Amen. A freaking men

99 percent of parents talk about the genius they are raising. It's the worst. I even see it quite a bit on ES.

Your child is average. Deal with it. Doesn't make them any less lovable and great

[skinny21]

Amen. A freaking men

99 percent of parents talk about the genius they are raising. It's the worst. I even see it quite a bit on ES.

Your child is average. Deal with it. Doesn't make them any less lovable and great

You haven't met my kids though.

This thread will be a fantastic form of birth control for me. I can't wait til we get to the common core math dilemma when you all have to help your kids with their homework.

It's funny, but while my kids are young yet, some of their homework already doesn't make sense to me. They use different verbiage from when I was a kid. Instead of just offering one way to solve a math problem, for example, they have multiple methods. So, while 67+220 is easy to explain and work through, they ask them to show their work using "base ten blocks"... and I have to look to my kids for an explanation.

Fortunately my kids are really smart.(lol!)

Great thread BTW.

Especially fun for me as I'm a stay at home dad (SAHD) of 3 boys.

[grhqofb5]

Amen. A freaking men

99 percent of parents talk about the genius they are raising. It's the worst. I even see it quite a bit on ES.

Your child is average. Deal with it. Doesn't make them any less lovable and great

 

I've had people ask me what percentile my youngest child is in for height and weight, because he's the same size as his 1 year older brother (who's about average).  My response is that he's really really fat so i imagine its pretty high (even though he's not particularly fat). Then I get the whole "oh, he's not fat at all though" response.

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

So for lying we do punish her, that's something we don't tolerate.  We usually do what E mentioned and take her favorite things away (TV, video games, etc.) for a certain length of time.  We never just let her get away with it.  

 

What we have tried lately is asking her what she thinks a fair punishment is for her bad actions.  We will already have a punishment in mind, but will sometimes adjust based on her response.  Most of the time, she is close to what we will do, sometimes she is a lot harder on herself.  

 

One thing we do sometimes, usually when she gets sassy when we are trying to talk to her or lay down punishment is take a chair from the kitchen, place it up against the wall and make her sit in it starting for 5 minutes, until she calms down enough to talk to.  If she lashes out, yells, talks, etc. we add one more minute each time.  

 

We tried that starting around age 6 and it worked very well.  Little kids hate having to sit still, especially when made to.  First time we did that, she sat in the chair at least 30-40 minutes.  Last time, just 5 minutes cause she has finally learned that we mean business and will collect herself faster.