The Parenting Thread - Advice, Tips, Etc.

[mcsluggo]

speaking of tips......    

 

 

 

 

 

 

just the tip doesn't work.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Bang]

Lie to her once.

Tell her you're going for ice cream or to the movies. build it up a few days, and then when the time comes, say, sorry, i was only lying.. or pretend you never said it, or whatever. Just let it sink in that you're not going and never intended to go regardless of the promise you may or may not recall.

 

Now, it will be harsh, it will feel cruel, it'll cause tears and anger..  but follow up with a healthy dose of 
now do you see why lying is wrong? It hurts people. Did it hurt you? when you lie to mommy and daddy it hurts us, too."

Apologize to her, obviously, and explain you only wanted to show her how much lying hurts the people you care about.
Then you can go get the ice cream or the movies.. the whole trip is the lesson,, we want to trust each other, right? 

 

She should get the message. Kids are naturally empathetic, and the last thing most of them ever want to do is hurt mommy or daddy. But you have to be tough enough to let it sink in that she's getting screwed out of what she was promised. 

 

~Bang

[Zguy28]

Here's a blog I follow. http://www.heartlightministries.org/category/blog/

 

It's a Christian ministry. If you are not Christian, you can just filter out that part of it for the most part and still get good advice. I have found it very helpful in dealing with my 15 year old son and 12 year old (going on 16) daughter.

[endzone_dave]

I agree with just about everything on Skinsfans' list.  Good stuff.

 

I'm learning to relax more and realizing kids go through phases.  Yeah my kids are slobs and procrastinators and would rather play video games than read a book.  Kind of like most adults.  I still tell them to clean their rooms, do their homework, and go out and play catch with them to get them away from the video games.  I just stress out about it much less than I used to - and now my kids are in the 99th percentile in everything. 

[Predicto]

Don't ever, ever compliment or reward your kid for being smart or talented.   Always compliment or reward them them for trying hard, for doing their best, for not giving up.  This is true for academics and sports and everything else.  If they internalize the idea that they are naturally gifted, they lose the drive to get better.  If they internalize the idea that working hard and giving the best effort gets good results and makes you proud of them, it will serve them well forever.   

[dfitzo53]

Don't ever, ever compliment or reward your kid for being smart or talented.   Always compliment or reward them them for trying hard, for doing their best, for not giving up.  This is true for academics and sports and everything else.  If they internalize the idea that they are naturally gifted, they lose the drive to get better.  If they internalize the idea that working hard and giving the best effort gets good results and makes you proud of them, it will serve them well forever.   

This is supported by sociological and educational research, by the way.

[Lombardi's_kid_brother]

The key to raising good kids who become successful adults?

 

Genetics and zip code.

[Bang]

General advice..  trust is paramount.

My own experience: i come from a broken home, mom and dad used my sister and i as weapons. Mom had it hard, took a lot of of it out on me. By today's standards, probably textbook physical abuse.

I lived in an area where i was the clearest minority,,  and picked on as a result from most every side. (Remember that when you see red-headed kids. It can be hard, believe it or not.)

Anyway, all of those things and my own resulting attitude led me down the wrong paths, and i'm lucky to not be dead or in prison. I made a lot of mistakes. ran the streets, sold drugs.. did lots of the wrong things,, although for myself i will say they were 'victimless' in that my victims asked me to give them what helped them to their own problems. I never broke into homes or robbed people or physically hurt anyone .. ( not innocents, anyway. ) i never shot anyone or stabbed anyone or did anything that I think left lasting harm, leave it there.

 

Anyway, a lot of parents try to be their kid's hero.. try to be perfect in their eyes. I didn't.

I was done with all my shenanigans by the time my son was born. But I used every bit of it to tell im what to expect.

For one, i used my parents, my mom, and basically wenever i had a question as to how to handle a situation with my child, i did the opposite of what she did.

Now, she whacked me around, but i was a little P.O.S. too,, not that i deserved some of what i got, but i can see how i was frustratingly difficult,, which her attitude and attempts to either beat it out of me or take away everything i owned... only made it worse. made me hate her, made me nothing but angry, and in fact, determined to do exactly what she didn't want me to do. 

SO with my son, i'd do the opposite, and what do you know, he never developed the attitudes i had well ingrained by the time i was 12. He trusted me because whenever I DID need to discipline him, I didn't beat and scream,, i explained, punished, and explained why I had to punish.. be it some restriction, whatever.
The more i explained, the less i had to actually punish. the fewer things happened, because he started to understand why he had to behave a certain way, and it wasn't "because dad will whip my butt". 

Now, a problem i've seen with some 'explainer parents' is they do it as if the kid is on their level, and they try to treat the child as an equal. No such thing. No matter how fair you want to be, they must always recognize you are in charge, and regardless of how much you trust one another, it's not an equal relationship. And this is because you've lived longer and know more.

 

Because I was not a physical punisher, on the odd occasion that i DID need to spank him, the thought of it was SO devastating that the "spanks" were light and short,,the thought of it hurt him worse..   he howled because to him it was the worst thing i could do, which means he had REALLY screwed up. . (I had a hard time to keep from laughing.) I literally only had to spank a handful of times.. maybe 4 or 5 in his life. (Sometimes it's warranted, and sometimes a quick swift single swat sends the message of a particularly bad move quickly.)

 

I used all of my own bad moves to explain to him how easily it could happen, and I used a method i called 'five years".

i started when he was about 6.. had a talk one night, and it would go something like so:
to you five years is your whole life.. to me five years goes by really fast. Here is what you will see in the next five years...  
and i'd tell him good and bad.. here's the potential pitfalls, here's how you can avoid, here's what you can do to stay ahead.

and every 2 or 3 years or so i'd revisit it and show him the things i was talking about so he could see real life coming true as i told him.. and we'd look out at the next 5..  (2 or 3 to them is a LONG time, so revisiting before 5 was no big deal. Some things you impress while it's fresh.) so as he got into the years in which he's most vulnerable to drugs and all the other teenage pitfalls... I could tell him, ,  you will see friends of yours make really bad choices,, some will turn into drug users, some will go full on and become criminals as a result. some might die. Some will smoke cigarettes, some will start to drink.. 

and sure enough as these things happened, he and i would discuss them.
 

 

All of this built the trust we have now. All of this helped keep him clear of those pitfalls. 

He knows I smoke pot. (he figured it out at around 17)..  I told him he's not missing anything.. I never offer, i don't keep it out around him, but it's not a secret. I told him he's better off at this age to avoid it,, if he decides later he wants to, well, pretty soon it'll be legal anyway.
 

But i told him all the other drugs i did, and how they had adverse effects that i didn't realize at the time. Told him about my criminality.. told him how easy it was to slide into it, and how lucky i was to A/ escape that life, and B/ escape unscathed. 

 

Anyway, that's a lot to write to say be honest with your kids. Don't sugarcoat any of it. They can't learn from your mistakes if you won't use them to teach, and they will face threats you can't control from angles you can't anticipate.. the only thing you can do is prepare them for it so when those times come, they can make the right decisions.

 

~Bang

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

Saw some commercial for online/virtual schooling and it caught my interest.  It's called K12, website is www.K12.com

 

Started reading up on it and it basically is home schooling but online with interaction with a real teacher via computer.  It works like a charter school, just completely online.  Popped in my zipcode and there is one for the state of NC, though they only seem to offer K-11 right now, so not sure if its because it's new to my state and they haven't been accredited for 12th grade or not.

 

School calendar matches up with my daughters current academic calendar for the most part.  They start a week earlier and get out a week earlier.  Not saying that I am going to enroll my daughter in it, but it just amazes me how far along we have come to offer grade school and high school courses online now.  

 

Was thinking of possible pros to doing this:  one on one learning with a teacher; no cancellations (I assume) so no extending out the school year or make up days; if your child has issues with bullies then no more bullies in person; less germs and sickness, no more parents sending their child to school with stuff like strep throat because they can't take off work and don't care about the well being of other people's children; child can't cut classes/skip school - especially if a parent works from home (like I do), keeps them out of trouble.

 

Some negatives:  Pretty much zero interaction with other children during the school year unless your child has outside activities (mine does), could possibly damage your child's social skills and depending on what grade they started the program in, could make college very awkward.  Less physical activity (no recess or PE classes)

 

I can see both sides as to how this could be a good thing and not so good.  I think for high school (grades 9-12) it might not be a bad thing.  At that point your child is mature enough to take it seriously and has had 9+ years to make friends and develop relationships that could carry over even if they aren't in school/classes with their friends any longer.

 

So, what are everyone's thoughts on this?

[Elessar78]

we call that cyber school around here. People have completely forgotten the context of "cyber".

 

The local school districts offer it and kids can cyber all day or part day. 

[Springfield]

So my (nearly) 2 year old...

He has a fascination with electrical outlets. Unplugs stuff, plugs stuff back in. Today he nearly plugged an aux cable into one of the outlets. The kid won't listen and I have half a mind to let him shock himself so that he will learn first hand about electricity.

[Jumbo]

Spring, I hear we're supposed to stop using electricity as a behavioral modifier for children, so watch out.

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

So my (nearly) 2 year old...

He has a fascination with electrical outlets. Unplugs stuff, plugs stuff back in. Today he nearly plugged an aux cable into one of the outlets. The kid won't listen and I have half a mind to let him shock himself so that he will learn first hand about electricity.

 

You not got the outlet protectors all over the place?  Or is he taking those off?  

 

Try slapping/popping him on top of the hand if you haven't already.  That used to work on Tazette when she was that age.  It's loud, shocks them, stings for a couple of minutes.  Gets their attention.  Of course as they get older, it's no longer effective.  

[Springfield]

You not got the outlet protectors all over the place? Or is he taking those off?

Try slapping/popping him on top of the hand if you haven't already. That used to work on Tazette when she was that age. It's loud, shocks them, stings for a couple of minutes. Gets their attention. Of course as they get older, it's no longer effective.

We have outlet covers all over the place, he unplugs stuff like lamps and then tries to plug them back in.

Spring, I hear we're supposed to stop using electricity as a behavioral modifier for children, so watch out.

Lobotomies are still fair game, or no?

[Jumbo]

Lobotomies are still fair game, or no?

 

 

Well, I am a knife guy....and that's still on topic. 

 

"Fear as a Motivator" 

 

To all you parents here parenting---love. 

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

I've told the story on here before about how my dad taught me how to put on a condom by demonstrating on himself. I would recommend not doing that. I think it has something to do with why I am the way I am.

[China]

So my (nearly) 2 year old...

He has a fascination with electrical outlets. Unplugs stuff, plugs stuff back in. Today he nearly plugged an aux cable into one of the outlets. The kid won't listen and I have half a mind to let him shock himself so that he will learn first hand about electricity.

 

 

/obligatory

[balki1867]

I've told the story on here before about how my dad taught me how to put on a condom by demonstrating on himself. I would recommend not doing that. I think it has something to do with why I am the way I am.

 

Let's give credit where its due.  At least he didn't demonstrate by putting one on you.

[dfitzo53]

So my (nearly) 2 year old...

He has a fascination with electrical outlets. Unplugs stuff, plugs stuff back in. Today he nearly plugged an aux cable into one of the outlets. The kid won't listen and I have half a mind to let him shock himself so that he will learn first hand about electricity.

Ever consider the fancier covers that don't just pull out? Or has your boy figured out how to get past the spring-loaded ones too?

[NoCalMike]

I've told the story on here before about how my dad taught me how to put on a condom by demonstrating on himself. I would recommend not doing that. I think it has something to do with why I am the way I am.

 

I didn't have the ummmm, "privilege?" to read that story. Was Dad about to smash mom and just pulled you in there for a quick demonstration, or did he just "work himself up" for the lesson?

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

The latter.

[Elessar78]

Puts "parenting tip" in a whole different light. 

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

Question for atheists: If you had a terminally ill child, would you tell them that there is a God and a heaven in an attempt to provide them with some sort of comfort? I think I would.

[Springfield]

Question for atheists: If you had a terminally ill child, would you tell them that there is a God and a heaven in an attempt to provide them with some sort of comfort? I think I would.

Probably not. I'd try and make sure the rest of his days were as enjoyable as possible though. Do things that wanted to do, spared no expense. Why waste the time trying to explain how all that stuff works in the first place, he will just lose it in the end. Religion is a device to help people live their lives in accordance with God. If he's terminally ill, his life is already over.

It's possible though, people so strange things when their under duress.

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

Question for atheists: If you had a terminally ill child, would you tell them that there is a God and a heaven in an attempt to provide them with some sort of comfort? I think I would.

 

I'll answer, even though I'm not atheist.  My SIL is atheist though.  I think it depends on how the child is raised, mainly, are both parents atheist?  Is there any other family member involved (grandparents/aunts/uncles) that would have taken the child to church, etc.?

 

I would think if both were atheist and the child had never been exposed to church/religion, then the parents wouldn't tell them there was a God and Heaven.  I would imagine they would tell them they were going to a better place, or make up something.  That is my educated guess based on what the parents believe. 

 

I'd also imagine it would also depend upon when the parents decided to become atheist to begin with.  Were they baptized, did they attend church regularly, etc.  then one day formed their own conclusion that God did not exist.  I would think if that were the case, they might go against their current belief to make the child feel some comfort.  

 

My SIL, she went to church every Sunday with my MIL and wife and continued with my MIL after my wife moved out and went to college.  When my daughter was born, wife was still in the hospital, I went out to grab lunch and she came with me.  We got to talking and she told me that she was an atheist and never to worry, that she would never push that on our daughter and wouldn't even mention it to her.

 

Me personally, I'd probably tell my child anything to make them comfortable, regardless of my religious belief or not.