The Parenting Thread - Advice, Tips, Etc.

[Bliz]

Anyone dealt with minor but persistent behavior problems in school?

My daughter is 8 and just started 3rd grade Aug. 1 (I know.  Georgia goes back crazy early, and gets out early.  I don't get why).  She's on the young side for her class, with a July 31 bday when the cutoff is August 31.  Smart kid and very sweet, but emotional.  Quick to anger or frustration.  Impulsive.  Lots of drama.  Very good reader in particular, and academics come pretty naturally to her.  What does not come naturally is behaving the right way in school.  It's a constant struggle with talking, following directions the first time, staying on task, jumping and twirling in the hallway instead of staying in line...that sort of thing.  Maybe she's just a hyperactive 8 year old social butterfly who has trouble bottling it up, but way more often than not she's coming home with mediocre (at best) behavior reports.  They do things like classroom points or bucks or whatever, and probably 3-4 days out of every 5 she's at zero or negative.

Wife and I are running low on ideas.  We've done rewards at home for good behavior, with a focus on small things.  We've done consequences at home for bad behavior.  She's not getting the benefits of good behavior at school.  We reinforce, in the morning before school starts with reminders about what she needs to do to have a good day, and the benefits she'll get if she does.  And after school with what she needs to improve on.  Sometimes it feels like all we ever talk to her about.    Part of me wonders if we've built up the pressure too much, but not addressing it at home sure doesn't seem like good parenting.

Any ideas, thoughts or suggestions?  At this point I don't know what to do other than hope it's a phase, keep doing what we're doing, and try not to worry about it TOO much until she starts getting in more trouble or her teachers start talking to us about something next level like seeing a behavioral therapist or something.  But I also don't want to let it drag on to the point it becomes a serious problem before we act

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

Bliz, reading this is like deja vu.  My daughter is 8 years old and about to start 3rd grade in two weeks.  We went through the same stuff with her starting in kindergarten.  She would get into trouble and sent to the principals office a bunch, which continued through 1st grade as well.  Fortunately for us, her elementary school tries to help with teaching them controlling their emotions and reacting properly to situations, etc.

What they do is identify children that have some issues behaving properly or blowing up through 1st grade.  For second grade they have rotating classes (called specials) each day of the week they cycle through (art, music, computers, guidance, etc.) but one day a week is a set day for one specific special they place them in where they may need extra attention.  So, for our daughter, it was guidance. 

The parents get a letter explaining everything, but as far as the children are concerned, they think they were just divided out equally and placed into that special for no reason at all.  That way they don't feel singled out.  So, having the extra guidance class each week, they worked with her on controlling her emotions, learning to express themselves in a better manner, etc.  

That coupled with our positive reinforcement at home and reward system worked wonders.  It's like night and day now.  She actually will teach me what she learned and start counselling me lol (like if I get mad driving because someone cut me off, she will be like, "Daddy, you need to relax and breathe.  Think about etc. etc. etc.).  Now, while all school systems are ran differently, I'd highly suggest reaching out to her teacher and even see if it would be possible for the guidance counselor to be able to talk with her maybe once a week on controlling her temper/emotions.  

Don't feel bad, I have told my wife 1000 times in the past that all I feel like we do is punish and yell at our daughter 24/7.  Same with the positive talks in the morning on the way to school that she got tired of hearing, every single day.  Continue to be supportive, continue with the talks and continue with the reward system, it can be applied for behavior at school.

Her past teachers had a behavior chart on how they act too, so we started tying it in with rewards at home.  So maybe come up with a reward system where if she earns X amount of classroom bucks a week, it will earn her a movie/toy/etc.  And at the end of the month, if the total is X, it can earn her a bigger reward and let it be something well bigger.  But if she gets no points or negative points, no reward for the week.  

For our daughter, they had daily ratings with a color system.  So like red was the worst, then orange, green (behaving but not going out of the way), blue (doing something beyond), purple (crushing it) and off the chart (pink - which was extremely hard to get).  So, we would tell her that for the week if she got a purple at least one day, we would buy her a new movie.  But if she got below green at all any day of the week, no reward.  If she got off the chart (pink) she could cash it in for a bigger gift like a lego set or something a little more expensive.  

It helped out a lot, because it encouraged her to not go below green and go out of the way to behave, etc.

[Springfield]

My kid (2 on October 1st) loves videos of birthdays.  Birthday cakes, candles, people singing happy birthday, birthday cake fails.  I can sit him in front of the iPad, watching video after video... actually, usually the same 4-5 videos over and over and over.  He can navigate YouTube excellently.

 

This is welcome to me considering he absolutely hates watching TV.  Time, just to sit still and relax is welcome.

[dfitzo53]

For now consider it a good thing that he hates TV. That'll change soon enough.

@Bliz  I teach in a K-8 school. Taze is on point. Set up a meeting with her teacher and discuss what behaviors are being seen, if anything in particular seems to trigger them, if anything seems to mitigate them, and brainstorm some possible solutions together. (Maybe you've already done this.) Find out if your school has a social worker or guidance counselor your daughter can start seeing. 

If things continue to feel completely beyond any hope of control then I would also talk to your pediatrician and get his/her opinion.

[drtdrums]

Lessons learned with my late teen nephews (who are being raised by my mother and myself):

1) Consciously build their self-image. A lot of negative behaviors don't need tearing down as much as the character needs building up. I learned this one the hard way.

2) YMMV, but for some kids technology is poisonous. Getting your kid a "dumb" phone instead of a smart phone is one of the most loving things you can do.

3) Be honest. I can't tell you how difficult their lives were made by my deceased sister not telling them the truth of her/their past. I'm sure this only applies to a small subset of people, but yeah...don't cover crap in your past up.

4) Let them fail AND reap the consequences. Don't soften blows. If they fail a class, let them fail it and don't talk to the teacher. Make them admit it was their fault.

5) Piggy backing on that...teach them to accept responsibility.

6) Always...ALWAYS...reiterate that your love is unconditional. Make sure you do what's necessary for them to know that. 

7) Teach them personal finance for God's sake. School doesn't.

8) For Christians out there, teach them the difference between being religious and having a relationship with God.

9) Teach them how to take care of their bodies and eat right. My nephews ate utter crap every meal. HUGE difference in health and personality.

10) You're gonna screw up repeatedly. I do constantly. This list is more for me than others, but I figured it may be helpful.  Anyway. Forgive yourself when you blow it.

 

[Elessar78]

So disappointed in my kids right now. Full on tantrum melt downs in public yesterday. I don't think it's ever happened like that before. Super embarrassing. They're both relatively young, so I can't fault 'em too much but damn. 

[Springfield]

3 hours ago, Elessar78 said:

So disappointed in my kids right now. Full on tantrum melt downs in public yesterday. I don't think it's ever happened like that before. Super embarrassing. They're both relatively young, so I can't fault 'em too much but damn. 

Do you what caused it?

 

Also, I wouldn't be embarrassed.  Possibly people without children wouldn't understand but I'd bet that any mother or father would get it.  My perspective on crying kids changed 180 after I had kids.