Need Advice with my "troubled" middle schooler...

[Fergasun]

Hi ES Tailgaters,

Normally I like to post here on political discussions, sometimes religious discussions. etc.  Today I'm looking for some help with our middle-school child.  I'll just call him SoF (Son of Fergasun). 

 

SoF has been a good kid and has a good heart.... my wife and I have raised him in our Christian household, even though it will eventually be his own choice and he will go through his own journey, much like we did.  Recently, there have been a couple of things that have raised flags, and today there was a big red flag raised at school.  He is very emotional and has anger issues -- little things will set him off (like playing video games).  You know how there are people who are "famously competitive" (Jim Harbaugh?) -- he is completely one of those types.  Even losing at Monopoly or seeing his favorite sports teams lose (not the Redskins, Wizards or Caps) will make him flip out and rage.  He has gotten previously warned about yelling at other kids at school during PE (nothing recent) and there have been a few episodes where he has raged during sports... it has happened more than I would like to see.  Basically it is easy to get into his head and he is prone to flipping out, especially when stuff doesn't go right for him (misses a shot in soccer, gives up foul in basketball).  These are all things I've tried to talk to him directly, but it's almost like he wants to do the opposite of what I tell him, or doesn't care (very unteachable). 

 

Lately a few things have happened --- first he had an episode where he expressed suicidal thoughts and was acting like he wanted to jump down from the 2nd floor of the mall to the first.  This went on for 20 minutes until I could get him to a place where he could control his thoughts and calm down.  He also expressed suicidal thoughts to some of the kids at school, and my wife had to go and discuss with the principals and basically he's going to get therapy at school.  Today he wrote a curse word on his desk, and ended up getting sent home from school.  All these times he says stuff like, "I don't know what happened -- Satan made me do it... I just lost control"... even though we have explained that "you are in control, there is such a thing as temptation, but ultimately you are the one doing all these things."  He cries and is remorseful and is upset after the fact, more with how "stupid" he is and he beats himself up more.  He was raging on me this weekend when I told him to turn off the XBOX... 5 minutes later he was crying, sad, remorseful and could explain that something came over him.   He's even afraid of himself that these episodes are going to keep happening. 

 

My wife and I don't know what to do.  For the most part he seems "normal" -- but these are flags in my mind that he's not able to handle the environments he's getting exposed to, whether it is immaturity, puberty, all sorts of things.  He expressed more today that there were times when he thinks "I should hurt myself with this knife..." when he's cutting something in the kitchen.  I don't think of that as "normal expressions".   

 

Most of the time he acts like what I think a regular middle schooler, video games, homework, sports -- but these acute episodes have now happened too much that I see a kid who can't control his emotions.  In some ways, I couldn't either, but it never went as far as he has taken it.... like other middle schoolers he's had to deal with bullying, kids making fun of his Youtube channel, and other dumb middle school stuff and it all seems drastic.

 

I know there are people who have gone through this at that age (11-14) or have kids who have dealt with this -- looking for any advice/suggestions or things that would work for my family.  I understand that suicides are increasing in this age group, and I don't want to see my son do something that drastic, but I don't know how to help him get control of his head and get control of the intrusive thoughts that he has. 

 

Sorry for the long rant -- looking for some advice, or anything that we can do to help him. 

 

 

[tshile]

I wish I could help, but I would just be guessing and talking out my butt. All I can say is seek professional help, I would suggest immediately.

 

So, instead, I wish you and your family well and the best of luck in getting through this. 

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

The stuff you are describing regarding the suicide talk and actions is concerning. The best Advice I can give you is to recognize that the help he needs is outside of your scope

[twa]

Have you spoken to his Dr about it?

Hormonal changes and chemical imbalances can aggravate mood swings.

[DM72]

You definitely need to get him some professional help ASAP.

[twa]

You could try the homeopathic route, but from your description it is pretty serious.

Vitamin B-6 and chamomile tea can help

 

does he take vitamins and limit caffeine?

[Springfield]

I don’t really have anything to offer other than I wish your family the best of luck.  As a father to two young boys myself (3 and 1 1/2) I worry that I could be doing something wrong now that will have a negative effect in 10 years or so.  Kids are a reflection of ourselves.  I dunno, it’s all so complicated.

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

4 minutes ago, Springfield said:

As a father to two young boys myself (3 and 1 1/2) I worry that I could be doing something wrong now that will have a negative effect in 10 years or so.  Kids are a reflection of ourselves.  I dunno, it’s all so complicated.

To a degree, of course. They’re also affected by so many other things. Plus, they have to go through adolescence and every one of them, no matter how awesome they appear, has insecurities and things they struggle with.

[bearrock]

Another vote for professional help.  Definitely don't take it as something is really wrong with SoF or that he is in serious trouble right now, but more in the sense that these things can run such a wide spectrum of concern, that it is appropriate for a professional to see and determine the best course forward.  I'm sure a good professional will be able to appropriately help him through the process.  I wish you and your family the best.  I'm sure when our parents look back, they marvel at how they made it through our teenage years.

[TheGoodBits]

I personally was sent to a psychologist for presumably hormone related anger/temper issues as an early teen. Just talking with the guy for an hour once a week helped. No drugs. It prevented me from possibly doing something that could have gotten me kicked out of school (or worse). Get him help soon.

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

Doctor's had me drug tested when I was 10.

[dfitzo53]

I teach middle school. It's a hard time for a lot of kids. 

 

Even with that in mind, his actions and words are very concerning. Obviously none of us can give you perfect advice with so little direct connection to the situation, but professional help is the best first step. 

 

Your school's counselor may be able to recommend an outside therapist as well, and should be able to get a sense of whether additional outside counseling is warranted or not. 

 

The eventual solution could run the gamut from continued therapy to a 504 plan (essentially putting into writing strategies to help SoF manage himself at school) to medication. I wouldn't worry too much about that, I'm just pointing out that every kid is different and none of those things mean there is anything "wrong"  with SoF, they are just ways of making sure he is as comfortable, healthy and successful as possible. 

[grego]

Sorry to hear about that ferg. I'm no professional, but behavior like that is more common when there's an uninvolved parent or two, which it sounds like you're not. How much is he on the Xbox? My son (almost 10) gets distant, emotional, short tempered etc when he gets into computer or video games for too long. He zones out, just like I did when I was young (and my parents weren't involved). So we limit his computer/game time and make sure he spends time just hanging out with us. Lots of hugs, lots of open communication, very little 'do is I say or else' type stuff. 

[LadySkinsFan]

Stop with the Satan and demons inside stuff, wherever it's coming from.  Sensitive kids take that stuff seriously and it ****s them up bad.

 

Concentrate on what he's doing good. 

 

Hormones, especially testosterone, are rising.  He needs to have all that explained to him, how it affects his body and mind.  It's normal.  And everyone goes through it, even girls.  Puberty is really hard.  It's physically painful, emotionally painful.

 

Is he being bullied at school?  That can bring about depression, anger, acting out, not feeling in control. etc.

 

And he needs professional help immediately.  Tell him that he has to feel comfortable talking to the person, and if he doesn't you'll take him to another.  That's important or he may never open up.

 

We all feel for him.  It's tough at that age.

[LadySkinsFan]

I just thought of something else.

 

Get him out in nature, take him hiking, camping, or other non competitive outdoor stuff.  It will get him away from gaming and other competitive sports.  It's hard to berate oneself when all one is doing is walking around in nature.  Get him a bird book or a tree book so he can spot things and learn about them. I think that nowadays that there's too much activity like organized sports and other organized activities that take up too much time in our kids lives and they aren't being kids, just ferried from one activity to another.  So also think of other non competitive things he might be interested in. Horseback riding.

 

When I was a teen girl, there was a pony stable up the street and my neighbor and I used to clean out the stalls and the owner would let us ride the ponies to exercise them too.  I spent almost all my time there for years until later high school when they sold the stables to a developer.  Kept me out of trouble, and those ponies heard a lot about my problems because they were easy to talk to, didn't talk back.

[redskinss]

Wow,  that's me as a child. 

Like seriously that could be the first chapter in my autobiography. 

For me getting into sports was huge. 

Gave me a much healthier outlet for my extra energy and aggression. 

I have no idea if that would help your son but it absolutely helped me. 

 you said he's already active in sports just not sure how active which is why I mentioned it as a soother so to speak for me.  

Let me expand that. 

Not just sports but any activity that kept my mind active. 

If I was left to boredom my mind would go to a bad place. 

Whenever I had an activity that involved a lot of concentration, practice, commitment and cooperation with others it kept my overly active mind from seeking outlets. 

 

I had therapy as a child and I would agree with the rest of the group that you should seek out professional advice.

The hardest part will probably be keeping him from taking it as an insult. 

[Bang]

if it were me, i'd look for counseling. As a parent nothing scared me more than when i read about a teenage suicide. I would take this very seriously. I don't have any advice beyond that, and I truly hope he's OK, if it were me i'd get some professionals in immediately.

 

~John

[ixcuincle]

Get help and try to have him control his anger issues. Best of luck to you and sof. 

[Burgold]

I want to echo what a lot of folks are saying. Listen to your Spidey sense. If you think there is a real problem there may be one. Get it checked out. From this type of sketch, I don't want to give advice because it's too easy to misdiagnose and give bad advice. Going to a professional is probably a good idea. Glad he has a loving parent looking out for him. Too many don't.

[grego]

i agree with lady and redskinss- some kind of physical activity or mind stimulation is huge. my son took karate for a couple of years when he complained about a bigger kid messing with him at school. gave him some confidence, he accomplished goals moving up to higher belts, got some energy out. hes never mentioned being bullied since. 

 

structure, maybe some daily goals, chores, doing dishes, etc might help too. 

[redskinss]

3 minutes ago, grego said:

i agree with lady and redskinss- some kind of physical activity or mind stimulation is huge. my son took karate for a couple of years when he complained about a bigger kid messing with him at school. gave him some confidence, he accomplished goals moving up to higher belts, got some energy out. hes never mentioned being bullied since. 

 

structure, maybe some daily goals, chores, doing dishes, etc might help too. 

Yes exactly. 

I went to a new school halfway through 8th grade and I knew like 2 people in the school and they weren't really friends. 

I was bullied mercilessly, it got so bad my older brother had to come to the school with his friends from time to time to fend off the bullies. 

This was probably when my problem was at its worst. 

I took karate and it helped tremendously, I never beat anybody up but it gave me the confidence to verbally stand up for myself and this was HUGE.

Plus it gave me something to focus on,  a task so to speak to keep my mind on positive things. 

[Elessar78]

My wife is a mental health therapist who works for a Pediatric Hospital. SoF sounds like cases she has treated—so again, ask the pediatrician for a referral to see a mental health therapist. A couple of things may be going on based on what you describe: the simplest one is impulse control (the quick to anger), Oppositional Defiance Disorder (the wants to do the opposite and different than the run of the mill defiance that adolescents exhibit), and then depression (the suicide talk). 

 

There could be multiple things going on and need to be treated as such. But when suicidal ideation comes up, I'd react to that as an emergency situation. Not to scare you but you don't know how far a long he is or if he's made actual attempts.  

[grego]

15 hours ago, grego said:

Sorry to hear about that ferg. I'm no professional, but behavior like that is more common when there's an uninvolved parent or two, which it sounds like you're not.

 

Quoting myself to clarify - I meant to say that you do sound involved, not that you weren't involved

[Vilandil Tasardur]

So I'll saw a couple of things, but I should preface it all by saying that, like most above, I don't have any expert advice. At the most basic level, I encourage you to find true, professional mental health care for your child and take their help over any of us on the internet. That said, I do feel like I speak from the position of having "been there" where your son (may) be, and now as an adult I work regularly with troubled adolescents (many of them troubled Christian youth). From that position, I offer a few things:

 

First,

Do your best to, as often as possible and in as many different ways as you can conceive, express love and support, not criticism. This is incredibly difficult. You naturally feel that it is your place to "correct" or to "fix" or even to "help". But I think from what you are expressing, your son already knows that his behaviors are "wrong". Telling him to "control himself" or "try harder" will only serve to beat him up, depress him further, and reinforce in his own mind that he is broken, helpless, immoral, going to hell, etc. Instead, spend as much time, quality time, with your son as you humanly can, outside of competitive or high pressure situations. Take up a new hobby, go to the movies, develop an interest in the outdoors, go to museums, etc. But look for any and every excuse to interact with your child as adults. No, he is not an adult, but he is becoming one, and the more you empower him to behave and act like one, without the pressure of "fixing" himself, the more he will naturally grow from young adult to adult. My mother in law once told me that she never raised children because "if you raise children, that's what you'll get. You need to raise adults". My MIL has lots of flaws, but that statement was damn prophetic. 

 

Second,

If possible, try to "tone down", or perhaps "redirect" the Christian approach. As mentioned above, I work regularly with Christian youth, and I often find them internally conflicted and terribly depressed because of what they perceive to be "impure" or "immoral" thoughts that hit us all at that age. Christianity is a powerful and wonderful lifestyle that, if your son eventually chooses it as you say he is free to, can make him a wonderful man. I merely caution you that, at this age where they struggle to find their own sense of ethics and morals, simple thoughts like sexual attraction or issues with anger can make the child feel helpless and, literally, doomed. As above, I would focus on the whole of the individual, not the momentary one. You love your son even if he has an outburst (as God would), and an outburst does not define him. That doesn't make them okay, but that makes them a challenge, a hill for him to climb, an adversary to overcome. It will make him stronger for wrestling with that demon. It does not define him. 

 

Third,

I strongly recommend a sport or activity that is both physical AND focuses not on competition, but on control, preferably with an element that makes it an "art". Gymnastics and dance are excellent examples, as are skating, though they may be "girly" sports. For me personally, I found this in martial arts. It may seem intuitive (teaching a kid with anger issues to fight?), but hear me out. Good martial arts teachers don't teach it as a sport, they teach it as an art: an an exercise is utter and complete mastery of your own mind and body. I will never forget, as a 16 year old fueled by anger and rage with the world, being sat down by my instructor. He sat me in a horse stance in front of a wall of nails about 18 inches away (much closer than an arms distance), and had me do punches at full speed and power, without touching the wall. He taught me to master my body (not to hit the nails), but eventually taught me that mastering my body was only effective if I had mastered my mind (losing my temper quickly resulted in my inability to pull my punches).

 

I don't know where you are located. Now as an adult, I teach martial arts lessons myself (technically to all ages, but mostly adolescents). I am affiliated with several "christian karate" schools in Howard County and Prince Georges County. And we all teach for free. It's a volunteer organization run by people who benefited from the art, and like to help others master it as well. I find that the most successful students (both at going up in belt rank AND in learning and mastering themselves) are those that start with a family member. Father-Daughter and Father-Son pairs in particular excel because they have built in practice buddies, and because they can act as "sounding boards" for the philosophy and the big picture stuff.

 

Again, I teach for free (non profit), so I'm not selling you anything; it's just something I do. But even if it weren't with me, I can't recommend martial arts enough. It teaches control of body and control of mind, it is a physical sport that doesn't come with "winning and losing" on a weekly basis, it's a sport you can do well past high school or college, and it comes with philosophic training and character building that can really make a difference for a young adult. Hell, it did for me. Don't be afraid to PM if you want to chat more. 

 

 

[bcl05]

I'm a physician, but not a psychiatrist. I am the parent of an angry/angsty 13-year old...

 

For your son, I would strongly recommend an urgent psychiatric evaluation.  Suicidal ideation with specificity (a specific idea/plan on how) is a huge red flag and should expedite any delays that can be a hassle re: getting an appointment.  

 

It may be nothing - many middle-school age kids go through these kind of things, and the non-medical advice in this thread is all solid and valuable.  Still, better safe than sorry and I would get into a psychiatrists office as soon as possible.  

 

If you are dealing with suicidality and are acutely worried that something is imminent, that would be a good reason to get to an ER immediately.  

 

Good luck.