How to cope with disappointment in a healthy way

[Bacon]

This is a pretty apt thread to make on a Redskins forum. What I'm dealing with right now goes beyond the usual DC sports misery, but I figure my ES family might have a few words for me about this topic.

 

The following is a TL;DR thread to the absolute extreme, so settle in.

 

The vast majority of people run into disappointment at some point in their lives, though I suppose it varies depending on where you naturally set your expectations or what kind of disposition you have. I used to consider myself a fairly optimistic person. Perhaps there's still a hint of it left. I allow myself accept the possibility that good things can happen, at least for the sake of others. You will rarely see me attacking other people for their optimism, for instance. Far be it from me to tell others how to live their lives. But whatever optimistic attitude I used to have has been fading drastically over the past few years.

 

It's not that I've been so hard luck that I can no longer justify it. I moved out of a leaky trailer in Indiana with my wife 3 1/2 years ago to a tiny apartment in Los Angeles to chase her dream of working in film and, by God, she's been employed ever since. I completed a master's degree in English and have had the opportunity to work on a number of creative whims that I've seen through to the end. I've made friends and valuable acquaintances and people still reach out to me to hang out, even after college. That's because, around other people, I'm extremely upbeat and try not to drag them down. The last thing this world needs is another negative person and positivity is contagious. I'm a generous person and try to bring something good into the world at all times, even when I feel there's nothing left to give.

 

Thing is, I'm drowning. I don't talk a whole lot about what isn't working in my life on this board because, again, there's enough bad news. There's already wall to wall negativity in the political threads, any thread relating to DC sports, etc. But it's all piling up really quickly. Sure, I'm upset that the Nationals choked again. Of course I am. I put up a wall around myself for a week and pretended none of it mattered to me, but there's still a vulnerable part of me left that cares a hell of a lot. And I still point some of that failure inward, thinking it's secretly me that caused it to happen; if I wasn't a fan, all of you would be so much better off. Is that illogical? Of course. You know what else is illogical? Even after 20 ****ing years of miserable Redskins fandom, I'm still bothered that we lost tonight and am increasingly certain that any forward progression we've seen is likely a mirage or heading towards a brick wall when everything is thrown for a loop in the offseason. 

 

But none of that matters because my wife told me she was pregnant on Wednesday. We hadn't been trying for very long, we waited for years because we were living check to check as it was. I'm 26 and she's 30. It's not an ideal time now, but what luck, right? A lot of couples spend years trying to conceive. My parents took until their late 30s to have me, their only child. With this exciting news comes greater responsibility, however, so now I'm being charged with finding a job ASAP. But there aren't any jobs coming my way. No offers, no interviews. And each promising start leads to another crushing end. Honestly, Redskins fandom is a terrific gateway to the disappointments of the job market. You get up hoping for one thing every day and end up with something worse.

 

For instance, today I woke up to learn that my wife likely isn't pregnant anymore. Her HCG levels are low and aren't climbing as they should be. She hasn't started her period yet and she's a couple days late at this point, but things are pointing towards a textbook ectopic pregnancy. Her greatest fear is to have miscarriages like her mother and sister have had, and there it is, right on the first go.

 

Of course, my first reaction is that it's all my fault. More about me that doesn't work, or work well enough to add anything to the world, right? Fantastic. And believe me, I've been preparing for this news all week. I've been happy for approximately 15 seconds of this entire process: the instant I heard about it, before the doubt set in. We bought baby books. I put on a smile. But, deep down, I knew everything would fail exactly the way that it did. And that's what really makes me sick inside: I can't enjoy the good things that happen to me anymore. I know we're going to try again, and she will get pregnant again because we're both fertile. It's simple biology; even I can't **** that up. But once it happens, I'm going to be again faced with the pain I'm feeling right now and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't want to spend 9 months expecting the absolute worst. There's something very wrong with me and how I process disappointment and failure. For a while I thought I was good at it, but that's not true. I keep myself low and then go even lower when the bottom falls out.

God, I didn't even mention the fact that a man jumped in front of my car yesterday in the middle of the street. He was completely fine, but managed to crack the windshield. This guy, I am not kidding you, jumped back up like nothing happened and ran off without saying anything. My wife and I flagged him down but he ran off before we could call the cops, leaving us with a car that was barely drivable. I have good insurance and the company is willing to cover the damages, but can you ****ing imagine something that absurd? Is it any wonder that I view myself as supremely unlucky? Like what in the absolute blue hell is that? It's like a damn Coen brothers film.

 

Alright, I'm done. Before you ask, yes, I do have a psychologist that I talk to, and we're working through the root of a lot of this cynicism and self-hate that I'm experiencing. I actually could pinpoint a number of instances from my childhood that influenced it all. It's just, you know, a lot right now. All of this. And it's the middle of the night and I need to get these thoughts down on paper before my head explodes. If you read this far, thank you for your attention. How do you handle disappointment? What do you do to pick yourself back up and keep perspective? That's my struggle right now. There are a lot of good things in my life, but I can't let myself enjoy them because I expect them to be taken away from me at any moment.

 

ETA: the pregnancy indeed did not take. My wife is absolutely inconsolable and is blaming herself for how stressed she's been this week. Guess I need to focus on her for the time being. 

[zoony]

Im glad you are talking to a professional

 

Miscarriages are tough, no doubt.  Sorry that happened but on the flil side your wifes body recognized something was wrong and terminated the pregnancy before it got worse.  Miscarriages are very common, we dealt with it and now have two beautiful children.  Devestating when it happeneed but barely a footnote now.  It will be the same for you.

 

As for my opinion, minds are like an arch.  The more weight on them, the stronger they get.  Its when the load is light that tne arch starts to crumble.  Sounds like you are in between jobs giving you plenty of time to think and reflect, probably the worst case scenario.  Immerse yourself in something... work, hobbies, excer ise, all of the above.  Dont give yourself time to think.  

[Kosher Ham]

Sorry to hear  about that. 

I do have a question though, especially if you are considering having a child. 

Why aren't you working ? 

You said it wasn't an ideal time, but it seems as if both of you were excited. 

I don't know your financial situation, seems as though you want to be in a more stable place though. 

Sounds like she didn't take a pregnancy test, or am I reading that wrong?

 

Either way, good luck with it all.  

[LadySkinsFan]

So sorry to hear that your wife did lose your wanted child. You are both grieving your loss, and no one can tell you how to get through your grief. 

 

I get what you mean about disappointment. I hate that I am moving to Texas. That's where my family is and since my stroke they want me closer. My disappointment is that this isn't how I envisioned my retirement. There are days where I can hardly move to pack, and my tendency for procrastination is intensified. Thank goodness for my dog Dancer. She gets up every morning so happy, and that helps.

 

I didn't watch the game much after the first half as I had a feeling the Redskins would lose. My Yankees didn't make it to the Series. These things don't bother much any more. Maybe it's an age thing.

 

I think that for me, it's another day to get through, and somehow I do.

 

So, not a lot of advice for you, just some different life experience. 

 

I wish you and your wife peace.

 

[Bacon]

16 minutes ago, Kosher Ham said:

Sorry to hear  about that. 

I do have a question though, especially if you are considering having a child. 

Why aren't you working ? 

You said it wasn't an ideal time, but it seems as if both of you were excited. 

I don't know your financial situation, seems as though you want to be in a more stable place though. 

Sounds like she didn't take a pregnancy test, or am I reading that wrong?

 

Either way, good luck with it all.  

 

The work situation is definitely not for lack of trying. I've been moved around a lot. Best Buy, publishing gigs, freelance editing, tutoring in English for a college at $20/hour (great gig)... I transitioned to a credential program that requires me to teach classes and take classes of my own in order to gain something stable, but I lost my tutoring job and have had difficult time finding anything to take its place. 

 

She took four separate pregnancy tests and was positive on all of them. But as zoony said, the body has its way of removing embryos that aren't healthy. 

[Bacon]

39 minutes ago, zoony said:

Im glad you are talking to a professional

 

Miscarriages are tough, no doubt.  Sorry that happened but on the flil side your wifes body recognized something was wrong and terminated the pregnancy before it got worse.  Miscarriages are very common, we dealt with it and now have two beautiful children.  Devestating when it happeneed but barely a footnote now.  It will be the same for you.

 

As for my opinion, minds are like an arch.  The more weight on them, the stronger they get.  Its when the load is light that tne arch starts to crumble.  Sounds like you are in between jobs giving you plenty of time to think and reflect, probably the worst case scenario.  Immerse yourself in something... work, hobbies, excer ise, all of the above.  Dont give yourself time to think.  

 

I really appreciate this post. I'm trying to keep perspective because, as you said, it's ultimately a bump in the road. Just one more thing. But I'm already thinking ahead to what I can do to make things work next time and how this situation can be spun into a positive. This can be an opportunity to bond over a shared challenge. But it absolutely sucks. 

 

Yeah, I'm one of those types that needs to keep their mind busy. Without constant pressure I start to crack. Sounds backwards on paper, but your analogy is apt.

 

27 minutes ago, LadySkinsFan said:

So sorry to hear that your wife did lose your wanted child. You are both grieving your loss, and no one can tell you how to get through your grief. 

 

I get what you mean about disappointment. I hate that I am moving to Texas. That's where my family is and since my stroke they want me closer. My disappointment is that this isn't how I envisioned my retirement. There are days where I can hardly move to pack, and my tendency for procrastination is intensified. Thank goodness for my dog Dancer. She gets up every morning so happy, and that helps.

 

I didn't watch the game much after the first half as I had a feeling the Redskins would lose. My Yankees didn't make it to the Series. These things don't bother much any more. Maybe it's an age thing.

 

I think that for me, it's another day to get through, and somehow I do.

 

So, not a lot of advice for you, just some different life experience. 

 

I wish you and your wife peace.

 

 

Thank you. I would be depressed about moving to Texas as well, but at least there's family there for you. 

[Vilandil Tasardur]

I'll second Zoony. It's okay to give yourself moments to reflect, and grieve, and acknowledge your pain head on, but ultimately you want to spend the bulk of your time focusing on things that are still in your control. 

 

While a potential new job falls into place, volunteer somewhere. Exercise. Read. Pick up a new hobby (ideally something cheap). Don't stew on the negative, but don't fill yourself with artificial positive either. Rather, seek out real positive that can give you some meaning. 

 

And, in case it doesn't go without saying, it's worth mentioning: it's HARD. And that's okay too. It's hard, and it's a struggle, and some days are play action fakes, over the top 80 yard touchdowns and somedays are strip sacks for a TD or pick 6s. And that's okay too. If you're watching all the film you can and putting the time on the practice field, you hold your head high and know you're doing your best. 

[Spaceman Spiff]

I agree with Zoony.  Time to be a little selfish and do something that you're good at, that brings you joy.  If you're not sure what that is, it's time to search for it and try a few different things to see what can make you happy.  

 

Hard to balance that with the most important thing, which is supporting the wife and making sure she's ok, but she sounds like a great lady and would probably understand.

 

I've learned that negativity, self doubt, etc, all that stuff just doesn't do anyone any good.  You can take that energy behind those thoughts and feelings and channel it into something positive.  Way, way easier said than done.  

 

Last, focus on the positives.  I mean, you could be in a leaky trailer in Indiana.  You can't beat that LA weather, so go outside and do something.  Sounds like you have a great wife, be thankful for her.  Be thankful for that master's degree and the creative things you've mentioned.  Be thankful for your friends that still call you to hang out and have a good time.  Reminding yourself of what's good and what you're thankful for is a powerful exercise.

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

I know this doesn't help much but a lot of people don't realize how many pregnancies end on their own in the first trimester. 1 in 4 and that's just the known pregnancies.

 

You mentioned that you feel like you suck at everything. You definitely don't suck at driving like a sissy girl . I barely felt that **** yesterday. I'd say I'm sorry about the damage but hellooooo.... just jumped in front of your car to try to kill myself over here. Sorry if I'm not empathetic about your dent. Floor it next time, would you?

 

Have you thought about seeing a doctor? You might benefit from some killer pills. I was on that stuff for a while when I was going through a tough time a few years back. It wasn't the be all end all for me but it helped a little.

[BurgundyMalaise]

I'm on my lunch break.

 

I will respond in depth after work but I hear ya, I've experienced some of those same feelings and I understand the monotony and hopelessness that comes with thought patterns sometimes.

 

I will write out a better response sometime by this evening.

 

My response will also be personal but I am not doing so as a form of venting or purging but it may help you in understanding another set of extreme valleys and summits

[Bacon]

Lots of great responses (and others to come), so thank you all.

 

My wife took off work today, so we're spending it just lying around and feeling crappy together. I'm really grateful to her for putting everything aside for today and being around. 

 

Re: medication, I've been down that road and don't want to go back unless things feel chemically wrong. I've been through months of depression in the past and I don't think I'm at that point yet, but if I don't start perking up in a few days, I might look into it. Grieving for a bit in this situation is normal, but straight up wallowing is something else entirely. 

[Mr. Sinister]

The best way for me to cope in general, is perspective, knowing that life is complicated (for most of us), disappointment is inevitable. It allows me to mentally prepare myself, and plan for it (to a degree). It also lets me enjoy the fun, easy and satisfying moments that life brings.

 

Another thing I do, is depressurize, and create outlets. Find something that lets you release the negative energy inside of you at the end of the day, whether it be exercise, talking to someone, watching a good movie, reading a book, sex, whatever helps settle you down and get you ready for the next day of chaos.

 

You can't run and hide from, or get rid of life's problems, but you can get rid of the baggage that it creates, which does insurmountable physical and emotional damage, if you let it

 

Sorry to hear about all that, btw. I don't know exactly what to say on that front, other than to let everything run its course. Imo there is no right or wrong way to handle something so tough, but all I can say is that you and your wife both need each other right now, more than ever, and I think it is important for the both of you to not beat yourselves up. It's a natural tendency, but it's almost never anyones fault. Just grieve, let it all out, talk to who you need to, when you are ready, and let those closest to you try and pitch in and help take a load off the both of you.

 

Hang in there, bud

[BurgundyMalaise]

Hey man-

    I'm going to make a long post and if it's okay with the Mods, please delete my post after a little bit of time so it can help Bacon and others but I don't want any sympathy, pity or encouragement. I'm good. I've been learning to deal with my own life in some of these instances over the years and it can get VERY rough.

 

 

My parents and I were told, without much levity from what I can recall, by my elementary school principal Dr. Stong, that I had the leadership and confidence that would make me President of the United States someday. HAHAHAHA thinking at it now, but she recognized some of the gifts I have today back then, one of the very few teachers throughout my mostly 'meh' public school education and tutelage in Carroll County. Obviously, she was probably being facetious but she's an insightful brililiant woman and I never forget it.

 

Well, talk about disappointment. I was nominated for the National English Merit Scholar award in 8th grade and was an Honor Society member freshman and sophomore year until I fell off the tracks.

 

It all started when I was 13 with some of those negative thought patterns. I was a great young hockey player, a goal scorer who lit the lamp ~ 2 x a game even though it was peewee, they could always count on me to snipe, particularly late in the games. I moved up to a travel team I probably had no business playing in, I barely made the cut age wise by like a month and I was undersized, a late bloomer. I guess those were the rules but whatever, I knew I had some scoring touch regardless. I got ROCKED my first game in Easton and my parents thought I was like, paralyzed cuz this big guy with acne and facial hair leveled me while I was skating back through the neutral zone. Nothing to that story but to show I was physically and biologically outmatched but I did ring the post that game and still had some solid points that season.

 

However, 9/11 happened and our amazing coach worked at the NSA had to abandon us to work and left us with some shabby clown parent. I didn't like my team; most of my trammates were annoying and overly raucous, even  at inapproriate times, yucking it up and shadowboxing in the locker room after a bad loss. my GREAT PURE love of hockey was beginning to dwindle, I was missing easy passes that I used to make in my sleep and letting others bounce off my stick which never happened before. Come to find out, I had bad vision impairment (near sightedness) that me or my family never caught that must have started deteriorating around 12 which probably was why I kinda started to suck at hockey which was my favorite place. It was like the heart crushing hockey portions in Inside Out, I lived that. That was the last season I played serious team hockey ( the story gets better though! :))

 

When I took my niece to the theater to see it, those scenes crept up on me and I was so emotionally affected, I began to weep and had to leave the theater for a moment to get it together, caught me completely off guard. I'm not much of a weeper but those years were where my life started to be INFECTED with what you are talking about, self-fulfilling prophecies of defeat, negativity, overwhelming palls of uncertainity, discontentment and instability.

 

When I was around 15 I kind of stopped giving a crap about school; went from an Honor Society kid in AP all my life to getting kicked out of AP English due to my apathy. My parents are amazing and my mom first took me to a psych doctor around then where I was diagnosed with clinical depression, major depressive disorder to be precise. I was described Lexapro because of all the days of high school I missed and simply worked and wanted to sleep once it was time for class and my friend was in the parking lot to pick me up for school.

 

I did not graduate with the type of pride I should have had simply because of my academic failings due to emotional turmoil, truancy and increased usage of marijuana and alcohol. 

 

Oh yeah, I had this gorgeous VERY GOOD best girl ... friend who I was in love with the moment I saw her freshman year. I had to be resigned to the friend zone because as I mentioned, I was a late bloomer physically and she had more traditionally Golden type guys to choose from. One of which was one of my two best friends, who began to date her late Junior year and kinda crushed me in that respect. I was a lame poetic type soul back then in thinking about women. I still was optimistic I would end up with her because I caught up physically, am fairly handsome and we always had good times together, taking her to Little Italy and Ruth Chris and **** regardless of my unrequited love. Chump.

 

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This is getting long so I will finish with a Part II. Not making this thread about me but wanted OP to have some background for when I discuss how I dealt with all the vast disappointments and failings in my life

 

 

[AlvinWaltonIsMyBoy]

I agree with Sin and Zoony.  You gotta find a release valve.  Multiple release valves.  Find something to lose yourself in.  I did a tour in LA, it can be a difficult place.

 

It sounds like you're thinking clearly, which is great.  I wouldn't hit the meds either unless you find yourself with no alternatives.  Here are a few things that I have found that helped that you can do outside of medicating...

 

1 - Eat raw garlic - Smash a clove up every morning/day and eat it over your food or put it in a smoothie.  This has helped me a lot.

 

2 - Rhodiola & Ginseng - Acts like a cup of coffee.  It will help you focus and give you an energy boost.  Get a high quality one from Medi Herb/Standar Process.

 

3 - Make lists of stuff you're thankful for - Example: Make a list of fifty things you love about your wife.  Share one with her every day via text/phone call.  In your situation, it might be useful for you to both make a list and take turns every other day.  

 

4 - Meditation - Set aside some time to clear your mind and relax.  Find any youtube video of simple meditation and focusing on your breath.

 

5 - Wim Hof breathing technique - You can find videos of Wim showing how to use his method (Joe Rogan podcast, or buy Wim's videos).  I want to stress to anyone reading this, that I only do a very minimal version of his technique.  He says to do 25-30 reps per set, where I might do 10.  I probably started doing only 6-7.  If you start to feel a little light headed, just back off a bit.  Listen to your body.   But Wim's breathing was truly a game changer for me.  It calms your mind, but also gives you a dopamine boost to boot.  Great tool.  I would not focus on how long you can go "without breathing", but to just do what feels comfortable.

 

****Anyone looking into Wim Hof, the dude is a legend.  His list of world records and daring feats is insane.  

 

6 - Cold showers - Man up!  It's takes some getting used to but well worth it.

 

7 - Diet changes - Stop eating junk.  Get rid of the processed food.  Buy a cook book and start cooking meals with your wife.  

 

8 - Vitamin D - Get your levels up.  Almost everyone is deficient or has low levels.  You'll be surprised how much better you will sleep.  I suggest the Vitamin D supplement from Apex Energetics.  It's a liquid and tastes good, and is the only supplement form that has had a positive impact on my levels.  You might be able to find some on Amazon, or a good chiro can get you a bottle.

 

9 - Gluten - If you really want to go hardcore, ditch the gluten.  

 

There's plenty of stuff out there to read on each of these if you dig a little.  Some medical journal stuff.

 

Good luck, Bacon.  Wishing you guys the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BurgundyMalaise]

4 minutes ago, MondayNightCowboyKilla89 said:

Hey man-

    I'm going to make a long post and if it's okay with the Mods, please delete my post after a little bit of time so it can help Bacon and others but I don't want any sympathy, pity or encouragement. I'm good. I've been learning to deal with my own life in some of these instances over the years and it can get VERY rough.

 

 

 

 

Part II

 

So, after stumbling my way to a diploma, through my own poor decisions as well as balancing some clinical stuff, I enrolled at a community college, which I previously chided my sister for attending when I was young, pompous and full of promise. Idiot. Naive. Arrogant.

 

I did very well there, it rekindled my PURE love of knowledge and I was doing very well academically and working around 25-30 hours per week at Sears. I was getting A's and some B's without studying; just attending class and doing the assignments, working, partying, the usual. It was here working at Sears I "fell in love" a second time with this gorgeous, wholesome Southern Belle ( I called her Belle) and although my world was already painted vividly these days, this surge of passion made it moreso. It was around this time the first girl from high school basically told me, "Nope. Never gunna happen. No matter how good of shape you're in, etc." So that hurt badly but like I said, I had a lot of good stuff going on.

 

I'm kind of a wild, eccentric, unfiltered dude so I wanted to take it slow with this new chick I was falling for. She was smart, sweet, vivcaious, had a Southern accent, came from a good family.... and very Christian. Now, that's not a problem in itself. Unlike Girl 1, she seemed to really like me, we went out a few times, hung out other times. However, I guess she knew from our other employees that I was kind of a party guy in my nighttime hours, not exactly wholesome but still a really good guy with a big heart, bright, fairly attractive. She was into Spanish speaking cultures from church stuff and I was exotic looking, etc. Well, I was a little bit insecure about my party life because of this, I wanted to play it cool and slow and was up for change for this girl. She was wifey dime piece status.

 

Well, unexpectedly, the clinical depression started to completely knock me off my ass for no reason; I was happy and full of optimism just weeks prior. It started getting harder to go to class and focus on anything other than my impending misery, my uneasiness of my surrounding world etc. Plus, the girl I was into left for another job which was a bummer but we were still in contact. 

 

Eventually I had to withdraw that semester from this weird depression I somehow fell into for (seemingly) no reason, and I remember having to quit Sears because I was a sales person and  I no longer felt comfortable or able to perform the quick thinking info dumps I was accustomed to for "guests." I remember going back to my mom's house, so agonized and fatigued from life, going to sleep and the next few months were a blur. I felt so awkward and shameful about myself that I avoided people, including my Belle, who was a year younger and asked me to be her Senior Prom date. I declined.

 

Eventually after some tough leg work, I got back into school and work and got my AA, with bigger fish to fry. Oh, and I "fell in love" a THIRD time, I've only felt this way about these three girtls/women during and since this third incident. I started going into the administrator's office like EVERY day to see the secretary, a BEAUTIFUL tall blonde woman who is like 5-6 years older than me. Well, eventually she got the hint that I was into her heavily,  texted glucose ridden texts daily,we went on dates, did a few cool things but it wasn't what I wanted; I only saw her outside of the school a couple times a week; she has two girls and a messy custody dealings at the time but she was totally worth it- sweet, cute laugh, gorgeous, smart and appreciated the heart I have. Anyway, she was reluctant to make it more serious due to her relationship past, she wasn't very trusting due to an abusive ex and it kinda fizzled out even though at the time, I would have made sacrifices to be with her. 

 

I enrolled into the University of Maryland- College Park with aspirations to be a sports journalist for ESPN, WashPo (yuck!) or one of the big timers since UMDCP has such great national connections being near D.C.

 

All was well, I found my academic heaven at this institute, a proud Marylander at the flagship university of his state, good opportunities ahead, good input from professors, passion in heaps. I got good but not fantastic grades the first semester, 2 A's 3 B's I believe due to my undiscipline to study study study. I went off of talent and recall, a journalistic Boobie Miles without the hype or accolades. "All I gotta do is show up." I was working but still able to balance school and the hours I was balancing home loans and their components.

 

I was excited to get to the next semester, despite my old roommate and I settling for a CRAPPY, dark, depressing apartment right outside Campus. I became kind of lonely and depressed over that semester, I didn't really associate with many of the other students besides a couple close friends. they were cliches to me, college know-it-all schmucks that I wanted nothing to do with. So I did my thing, isolated myself outside of school and other obligations, smoked a lot of weed until the wheels came off HEAVY.

 

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Last One Upcoming, I promise. I will get to how I learned to deal with some of these severe let downs in that one

 

 

 

[dfitzo53]

My sister had a guy attempt suicide by jumping in front of her car last year. Shook her up for sure. 

 

I say that only to say that no matter what messed up **** you're going through, someone else has been there too, and it's good that you're sharing about it. 

 

If you want to talk about pregnancy loss, pm me. My wife and I have been through that more than once. 

[BurgundyMalaise]

Final Part of my Story

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My parents were worried about me and made me go see a psychologist at UMD, only . . . they sucked. I was no longer on medication during those times even though I should have taken it upon myself to take that aspect of my life more seriously. It was excruciating to get in there and I was in crisis, was thinking about death and suicide very often, etc. She prescribed me a new antidepressant, Welbutrin, which I HATED even having to start over with a new med and I heard it can make you gain weight. I wasn't about to gain weight unless it was on my own volition of eating crap and sitting on my ass. Not because of Big Pharma.

 

I was VERY resistant to treatment and eventually had to withdraw once again because my mind was ****ED royally and again, I went to mom or sister's house, fell asleep and stayed damn near bed ridden for months. My family of course knew better what I should have been doing but I refused to go these pain-staking, uncomfortable routes of treatment where the people are strangers who think they know what's best, have tons of clients and are trained to lead you into a particular direction...

 

This was yet another crushing, disappointment. Not only did I feel like a failure in the worst possible way, I was a failure in any objective, non candy-ass family coddled fashion of interpreting the situation. Once again, I couldn't do ****, even if I really wanted to. I was ready for my life to end. If I had a button that I could have pushed to end my life without going the messy route and ruining the body my parents created, an ultimate symbol of disrespect to me, it would have been pushed in these numerous "episodes" without a second thought but I could never bear to try suicide. I never have attempted, even though my mind as in the place where people like Robin Williams, Chris Cornell, etc. were when they chose to do what they did. I'm not implying I'm at their level of creative talent but I understood their plight very well.

 

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So after abandoning ice hockey, which was my favorite thing to do all throughout childhood, something I was good at- ruining my academic goals and pursuits, dropping out of college multiple times, having to stay with family members for stretches due to being too sick to function in my 20's (which is embarrassing to me), not being able to work for stretches and losing around 4 years cumulatively due not taking care of my mental state with proper responsibility, the question begs:

 

How Does One Handle Severe Disappointment and PERCEIVED failures?

 

I'm not the expert but I DO have some insights. For one, having a supportive but honest support system is crucial, it sounds like you at least have that with your wife. I have that with my nuclear family- mom, dad, sister who have done a good job in respecting my mercurial life experiences.

 

My mom is the best source of optimism. She is a Christian and although I'm not telling you to get a devout Christian friend in your life, she always has great counter for the severe negative and pessimistic tides of my father and I. I'm not always like this. Like you, I know all the great things and opportunities I've had in my life but sometimes, that realization makes you feel much worse about your current state because I felt like a 'First World Problems' chump despite the fact that those mental hangups are VERY real and VERY scary. I'm talking, torturing hell in your mind- daily, hourly, moment by moment.

 

My mom has continuously told me throughout the years, when I voiced my fear of falling back into a TERRIBLE and miserable place that speaking things into existence is a powerful thing that augments your reality. There's no scientific basis for that but I've noticed that simply not speaking out loud how I'm going to fail, how one day I will kill myself once my body breaks down, etc. makes a pretty big difference in what has happened and how I approach my life. In a sense, my mom has been on that Lavar Ball tip way before he, she's an OG.

 

I recommend picking up some form of exercise you really enjoy.

 

I've been skating and playing hockey again for the past couple years and I'm kinda obsessed with it like I was when I was growing up, it's like hockey and I picked up right where I left off, sans the experience, coaching, hard work, pain and glory I would have ahd for the 10-15 year absence. I'm a bigger boy now ( as my mom says) when I shoot the puck so I stepped right back into it beautifully minus the cardio which I'm working on. It's like I'm 8 years old again when I play although more fired up and appreciative than ever do to rediscovering that THIS is what makes me whole, not money, not women, not pompous elitist jobs with prestige.

 

Hockey is one major ingredient for me in putting things in perspective and taking me back to feeling like I have my whole life ahead of me despite the road bumps, because I DO!! and you do too. I played in a hockey tournament a couple weekends ago and it was marvelous having my little niece and nephew, who mean The World to me, watch me with great fascination and seeing Uncle slap a wicked goal or two.

 

We are around the same age.

 

Also, if you want to avoid the psych industry- the times, the cancellations, the redundant run arounds, the state regulated nonsense that takes away from your desire to fight or energy to liv the rest of your life, I have one name for you and that is Dr. Jordan B Peterson.

 

Much like what you and I have been doing in this thread, he has devised a Self-Authoring program that asks very specific and personal questions which organizes your past, present, and future and where you pinpoint and extract moments of negativity out by writing an autobiography which is organized and tailored to how you answer the initial questions.

 

I'm not the type to be a big fanboy of doctors, motivational speakers, etc. because I am cynical and resistant to tribalism outside of sports but Dr. Peterson explains that doing these intensive workshops help move those anxieties and neuroses from your past memories to another part of the brain. Kind of like intellectually cleaning the gutters. Anyhow, he initially developed it for Canadian colleges to help with fortifying a good work force after college and found the dropout rate, particularly with young men, plummeted after they participated. Here's a YT vid:

 

 

 

Anyway, it's a start. This guy is my hero, and it has nothing to do with political coverage. Watch some of his lectures and YT vids on some of the things you're struggling with, some of them are great for men who have felt the way we have felt intermittently.

 

 

Here's an example. His intelligence and rational way of seeing the cobwebs of the human mind are astounding and have been a god send, particularly in the last year or so of watching these.

 

Also, I have been embracing the creative side of my mind and that makes me happy- doing artwork, writing screenplays, film reviews, etc. Watching films and listening to music really help me deal with my past.

 

Also, not sure if this suits you but I still smoke marijuana. It helps me see my past with more of a 360 degree view and not JUST focusing on the rpactical, real world realities of failure and disappointment. Not advocating or saying that you should but it helps me feel more grateful and thankful for my rocky road and I'm still very focused and driven on my goals. Moreso than ever, I'm a ****ing ruthless savage assassin about working towards what I want.

 

Also, remember:

 

 

Hope these posts help at least a little bit. God Speed, you got this ****

[Bacon]

Alright, I've read every single word in this thread at least once and I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, how much it means to me that you've all taken the time to give me such great advice. I make threads like these (I have here in the past, about 7 years ago, pertaining to the marriage that's still going) because not only do I like self-authoring as MNCK89 alluded, but because I do actually use all this stuff. 

 

I have a psychological disorder known as depersonalization/derealization disorder that ties in with years of panic attacks I dealt with as a kid. I had a terrible bout of it over the spring that lasted about a month, and I felt nothing but anxiety during that time. I really didn't know if it would ever stop. But one day I found a thread very similar to this one that was loaded with all kinds of targeted advice and it helped me turned my life around. I started going to the gym and taking supplements and getting close with friends. Slowly I worked my way out of that funk and got back to what I loved doing. 

 

I've mentioned maybe once on this site before, but in 2015 I started working on cartoon series about growing up in a particularly conservative part of western Maryland. It's very gritty, very realistic but funny and sweet. I was fortunate enough that a friend of mine was a talented artist and leant his help, giving my ideas a body. This is the kind of outlet I need to keep working at and not let depression and negativity halt production. One of the best things about recovering over the spring was that I got my creativity back. I don't have a load of talents, but I am a damn good screenwriter and need to embrace that right now. I started work on something new over the weekend but haven't wanted to get back to it. 

 

@dfitzo53 Thank you for offering to open up about the fertility issues you've dealt with in your family. While I basically just had a death in the family, it's comforting to know that it's not an end but a hard part of the process for a huge portion of people. 

 

@AlvinWaltonIsMyBoy Awesome comprehensive list of things I can try. I need **** like this. As far as meditation goes, it entered my life over the spring and helped me beat back DPD, but it's hard to keep consistent with it. Funny enough, I went to this benefit put on by David Lynch a couple weeks ago that encouraged the use of transcendental meditation for trauma and my wife was encouraging me to call their foundation up. I just might. 

 

@MondayNightCowboyKilla89 What can I say? That was a hell of a post and I appreciate every word of it. We're eerily similar at times, not so much in our specific interests but in how we process tough times. I need to watch videos like the ones you posted instead of the usual garbage I watch on YouTube to pass the time. 

[steve09ru]

@Bacon Sorry to hear man!  Can't really offer much advice on the disappointment front as every situation is different.  All I can say is just to keep pushing and use each disappointment as motivation.

 

On the pregnancy part, about a year and a half ago we were trying for #2, my wife made it to around the 6-8 week mark both times only to go to that appointment and not hearing a heartbeat and seeing an empty sac.  We had tests done the 2nd time and talked to a couple doctors to try and understand what was going on and one was very helpful in offering progesterone to help with the levels.  Needless to say, we found a doctor that would prescribe and it helped progress the early stages of the pregnancy and we now have a healthy 9 month old little girl.  It was challenging and heartbreaking but will all work out.  I would definitely recommend trying or at least looking into the option if levels are low and there's a history of that.  The percentage of people that this occurs to, from our doctors and other research, is also very high so definitely don't get discouraged even though I know it sucks. 

[Mournblade]

14 hours ago, AlvinWaltonIsMyBoy said:

 

 

 

 

AlvinWaltonIsMyBoy gives some great advice here, particularly with regards to diet. I cannot stress how IMPORTANT diet is in our lives.

Our society places a great deal of importance on exercise, which is important, but diet is equally important if not more so. In addition 

to not eating junk food/processed food and also avoiding gluten, which he mentioned, I would also add:

 

1. No sugar

2. Eat probiotics daily (yogurt, sauerkraut). 

 

Also look at limiting caffeine. I used to consume coffee by the gallon in my 20s, but it led to a host of problems in my 30s, which I only recovered from at about 40. I've been off caffeine altogether for 6 years now, and my life is so much better as a result of it. 

[Dont Taze Me Bro]

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage man.  They are a lot more common now days and while that won't take away the pain, it doesn't mean that you and the wife won't get pregnant again and have a healthy child later on down the road.  Looking back at my life and where I was at when I was your age (I'm 42 now), I was very unhappy, depressed, miserable at work, etc.  I should have gotten help, so I'm glad that you have taken that step, I was too scared to back then.

 

I was very negative about a lot of things, bad things or crazy things seemed to happen to me and I felt like I couldn't catch a break.  That I had wasted my time in college getting a degree that did not yield that 50K+ salary I was told I would get.  I was still working in the grocery business, was a perishable (produce, dairy, frozen food) manager making top pay which was a little over $13/hr.  Sure, it wasn't bad money, but it was topped out and I knew I'd never get another raise unless I went back into store management (I was an assistant mgr at one point) which meant 70-90 hours a week, not seeing my wife, etc. 

 

It got so bad at times that I'd just go into the produce cooler and shut the door and sit there, stressed out (in tears sometimes) and angry about why everyone else was catching breaks immediately, living it up and I was stuck in a place I no longer wanted to be. I definitely had the "Why me?  What the hell did I do wrong?" attitude for a couple of years.  It seemed like that at work and in life, **** always happened and piled up.  

 

I eventually got to the point where I realized that I didn't have to sit there miserable anymore.  That being negative and burned out could no longer dictate my life.  That I had options or at least had to try and make the best out of my situation, win or lose.  I developed a plan of action and realized that it was going to take a while but the end result should get me to a better job or starting over place.  That expecting bad things or the worst possible scenario was draining and bringing me down and the most important thing was to stop worrying/blaming myself/etc. for things that are not in my control.

 

I had put my plan in place and in the process of trying to get on another path I eventually got lucky and hired at the job I have now (going on 16 years), making a good living, get to work from home (last 5 years now).  Point of this is, set goals, make a plan of action and start executing it.  Quit worrying about things that are out of your control.  Sure, I still get ticked off when my teams lose.  But it's all about the moment and not dwelling on it.  

 

One of my good friends once told me to lower my expectations when I was a manager.  I've applied that process to everyday life, work, etc.   And instead of just expecting the worst case scenario (which this isn't).  I just go into certain things with setting realistic expectations.  If something great happens, awesome.  If something bad happens, we deal with it, devise a plan of action and move on.  Learning to move forward and to stop dwelling on things is crucial.  Learn from your mistakes, move forward and realize that what's done is done and try to not let it happen again.  And if it's something that is not in your control, recognize so that you can get past it best you can.  

 

[Kosher Ham]

Only thing for me is that I raise expectations. 

I don't dwell, and I don't regret. 

I often wish I had done something differently ( chance to buy into Netflix about 16 years ago). 

Lesson learned and I keep moving forward.  

These are the expectations, don't let me down. 

I promise that I will deliver on my promises also. 

[skinsmarydu]

So sorry for you & your wife...it'll happen at the right time. 

I was like Taze back in my early 30s...would go into the cooler at work and cry.  Then I read "The Celestine Prophecy".  I promise you, it will help you both. 

Best wishes. 

 

 

 

[JamesMadisonSkins]

On ‎10‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 1:53 AM, Bacon said:

I have a psychological disorder known as depersonalization/derealization disorder that ties in with years of panic attacks I dealt with as a kid. I had a terrible bout of it over the spring that lasted about a month, and I felt nothing but anxiety during that time. I really didn't know if it would ever stop. But one day I found a thread very similar to this one that was loaded with all kinds of targeted advice and it helped me turned my life around. I started going to the gym and taking supplements and getting close with friends. Slowly I worked my way out of that funk and got back to what I loved doing. 

My wife went through a very rough 12-18 month stretch in a very strenuous graduate school program where she went headlong into depersonalization. She's Type A and a combination of factors related to "needing" to get perfect grades and some other unassociated events that we weren't able to see or catch sent her spiraling. There were also a number of somewhat traumatic events from her past (though many people have likely experienced similar events) that had been buried and been swept under the rug so to speak that also likely lent to the collapse. We simply had no idea what was going on and that ended up being 95% of the battle. At first we thought our old house that we were renting had mold. But I was unaffected. Then she thought maybe she had a tumor of some kind. She had an MRI/scans and the Drs. basically told her she was crazy (not helpful, assholes). Her blurred vision was so bad she saw an ophthalmologist multiple times to make sure her vision wasn't going, and they found her vision to be unchanged. She was/is an avid runner/crossfit type and people recommended increasing exercise or changing diet. But she is/was literally one of the healthiest, fittest people I knew and she could barely run anymore because her vision would be so blurred she would stumble at times on bad sidewalks. Basically for more than a year nothing was working. Somehow she was still managing to get straight A's through grad school ... and It took some time to figure out that it was stress/anxiety driven. She never quite got to the point of full-blown depression and suicidal thoughts, though she definitely had some very low moments throughout the process ... and of course me being a totally laid back person without a care in the world ... didn't make things easier for me OR her hah.

 

Once she figured out what it was, she was able to utilize a therapist on campus who also happened to practice EMDR therapy ... and that literally changed her life. It turned her around and brought her back in a matter of weeks to months. She looks back on that stretch as a pure fog of misery and confusion. She still falls back into "haziness" when she gets in really high-stress or high anxiety situations but it's never for more than a day or so and she immediately recognizes it and because she knows it's stress/anxiety related she can almost ignore it until it passes, knowing it's "easily" solvable. The "relapses" almost always come in the form of foggy brain and some light headaches ... and the first few times it actually took me to point out that she had some high-stress event or happening a few days before and we realized the correlation.  But knowing how to get out of it through meditation/relaxation and simply knowing you CAN get through it helped her cope. We had a pretty challenging first pregnancy with my son a couple years after her bout in grad school and she has some extra trauma associated with that ... and having gone through the previous spell with depersonalization has allowed her to preemptively deal with her PTSD/Trauma from the pregnancy and the associated stresses/anxiety that comes with it (and she's pregnant again, so while everything is going smoothly this time around, the PTSD is very real if unaddressed).

 

I cannot advocate for EMDR more. I have no idea what the elements are behind it, but it worked. And she now gets acupuncture 1-2 times a month and that's helpful as well. One of my best friends recently went through a very similar experience ... the depersonalization coming from serious anxiety/stress and past issues that came back to haunt him ... almost out of nowhere. My wife was able to talk him out of very very low points and he sought some progressive therapy and in a just a few weeks was back to being his old self.

 

Not to say they are both out of the woods and never have to deal with these issues again, but they have now found a way to cope and get through it, which I think can solve the hardest problem with these feelings ... that you're never going to get back to being happy ... which isn't true.

 

And for those unfamiliar with Depersonalization ... it's basically your brain going into protection mode. It senses that you are in high-stress or high-anxiety situations and "protects" your brain by almost shielding it or shutting it off from the world, which can lead to extreme fogginess, headaches, severe vision issues, feeling like you aren't in your own body, etc. Then you get stuck in a cycle of "what's wrong with me" and until you can figure out the root of the cause, you think you're in a downward spiral, stuck in this fog forever, which can also easily and understandably introduce depression, which is ALSO a leading cause of depersonalization, and the cycle continues until it can be broken. Usually, realizing the root of the issue and addressing it will alleviate the symptoms, helping to break the cycle.

 

Actually, I've found that most incidents of depression tend to be directly tied to anxiety and stress either related to current events or past experiences/traumas and until they're dealt with, you're stuck in a perpetual cycle. From my experiences, that EMDR therapy works wonders.

[Bacon]

So many great and helpful posts. Many thanks to everyone giving a bit of themselves/their story to help.

 

@JamesMadisonSkins Very grateful to you for writing all that out because it's important information. It's extremely difficult to verbalize depersonalization to others and I lost a number of months in my childhood to it simply because no one told me what was going on in my head. Wish I had known. I discovered what I was dealing with in the summer of 2009 after a particularly stressful bout of it, and then it didn't come back in a big way until spring of this year, at which point I began considering treatment options. Metacognition is very important to pulling yourself out of the muck, but simply living your life, taking care of yourself (including being a little vain) and trying to have fun can speed up the process of recovery. I will look into EMDR the next time I deal with it.

 

Depersonalization is actually very common and a healthy part of stress management for the first few minutes/hours after something terrible happens. When I was involved in that car/pedestrian accident on Sunday, I felt extremely spaced out and unreal for about a half hour, and I'm sure many people who have experienced trauma have experienced a similar sensation, only they didn't know what it was. It's not scary when you know what it is, but simply numbing. It's a problem, however, when it hangs around longer than necessary, and can be debilitating if taken to an extreme. It's also associated with weed and psychedelics; I had a really frightening experience with an edible in February that set off a downward spiral into DPD.