Guys, do you end up paying for most things when in a relationship?

[abdcskins]

Been curious recently about other people's experiences when it comes to dating or being in a relationship and finances/expenses.  Specifically, when it comes to paying for stuff i.e. going out to dinner, going on trips, etc.  I have been dating a woman for about 6 months.  We go out to dinner a lot, and I always pay.  I never ask her to chip in.  If I did, I am sure she would be willing to contribute.  That's just sort of the person I am, I believe in being generous and kind, I have done the same thing with friends in the past, although not as frequently.  I pay for basically everything, including a recent trip to Vegas.

 

My main question is, when you meet a girl and you are dating, at what point do you have a conversation about paying for stuff together?  Or do you take the lead and pay for stuff?  There are a lot of factors (i.e. who makes the most money), how long you have been dating, etc.  In past relationships we would just sort of take turns buying stuff, and I think that is what most couples do, but I was interested in people's experiences.  I should add my current girlfriend is an immigrant from Guatemala with a 13-year-old daughter, and she doesn't have tons of money, which sort of makes me reluctant to ever ask her to pay for anything.  But if we were to plan a trip to wherever, let's just say Australia, I might feel the need to ask her to chip in for plane tickets, hotels, etc, particularly if her daughter is coming along.  In the end I guess it just comes down to comfortability factor and open communication, which is another issue with us, because her English is limited.  

 

For those that are married, or have kids, I'd be interested to hear how you split expenses.  Is it right down the middle on everything?  Separate bank accounts?  That is not something I have ever had to deal with.

[redskinss]

Been with my wife 29 years now and there is no my money or her money is all our money.

We both are fairly high income earners so there's no animosity there but on occasion there can be a little stress with things like a mountain of Amazon packages at my door everyday but overall we have a pretty good understanding of our financial situation after all the years.

 

I'm old school so I imagine I'd probably pay for everything at least at first if I was to ever be dating again but honestly It's been so long have no idea how to behave on a date anymore. 

 

 

 

Edited May 3 by redskinss

[skinsmarydu]

My husband paid all of the bills and contributed to savings.  My earnings were "running money"...groceries, gas, everything else.  Nothing was ever "tight" and the only arguments we had were about his daughter not being financially able to handle her life and constantly needing his help. 

 

Has your girlfriend ever offered to chip in?  Way back in the day, I always insisted on at least leaving the tip for meals. 

 

[abdcskins]

Just now, skinsmarydu said:

My husband paid all of the bills and contributed to savings.  My earnings were "running money"...groceries, gas, everything else.  Nothing was ever "tight" and the only arguments we had were about his daughter not being financially able to handle her life and constantly needing his help. 

 

Has your girlfriend ever offered to chip in?  Way back in the day, I always insisted on at least leaving the tip for meals. 

 

 

Right.  Every couple is unique and has their own methods and issues.

 

She has offered, but very infrequently.  She has surprised me and brought food over on a few occasions.  She definitely is not greedy or selfish, I think she just sort of realizes that I will pay for stuff.  If I asked her I am fairly certain she would be fine chipping in, depending on the price.  I guess I just need to be more comfortable asking.  With ex-girlfriends I would ask without hesitation. 

[Ball Security]

My wife and I split most of the bills, but my girlfriend expects me to pay for everything. 🤷‍♂️

[skinsmarydu]

11 minutes ago, abdcskins said:

 

Right.  Every couple is unique and has their own methods and issues.

 

She has offered, but very infrequently.  She has surprised me and brought food over on a few occasions.  She definitely is not greedy or selfish, I think she just sort of realizes that I will pay for stuff.  If I asked her I am fairly certain she would be fine chipping in, depending on the price.  I guess I just need to be more comfortable asking.  With ex-girlfriends I would ask without hesitation. 

How serious are you? 

That's the real question.  If you asked her to start contributing, would she be offended?  Or would she say "Sure, babe...no problem"?

[abdcskins]

6 minutes ago, skinsmarydu said:

How serious are you? 

That's the real question.  If you asked her to start contributing, would she be offended?  Or would she say "Sure, babe...no problem"?

 

Ha I dunno, that question is always difficult for me.  I don't really know how to answer that.  If I had to answer it would be less serious than serious.

 

I think that there are also cultural considerations.  I am mostly just interested in how other people approach the financial aspect.

Edited May 3 by abdcskins

[skinsmarydu]

15 minutes ago, abdcskins said:

 

Ha I dunno, that question is always difficult for me.  I don't really know how to answer that.  If I had to answer it would be less serious than serious.

 

I think that there are also cultural considerations.  I am mostly just interested in how other people approach the financial aspect.

Ok.  If I were half-serious...🤣

If I were to go on a trip someone else booked, I'd pick up the incidentals.  I think that's fair.   But I'm an Aquarius, we play that way.  😉

[TD_washingtonredskins]

When I started dating my wife (we are both on our second marriage), I wanted to pay for everything. She made/makes pretty good money, but it's more that I feel like the guy should take the girl out. There were times when she would treat (like if she took me out for my birthday) or she would have me over and make dinner and we'd have the wine or alcohol she had at her house. But, if we went out, I insisted on picking up the check or buying the tickets or whatever. 

 

Now that we are married we don't have any separation of finances. It all goes into joint accounts and flows out (sometimes just as fast, it seems). 

[Die Hard]

I met my wife in university, specifically in Women Studies. 200+ females and 3 males in the class 😎

 

I am a feminist and I love feminists. We’re equals/partners… we both work and contribute. Doesn’t mean equally because that isn’t always reasonable. Our money all goes into 1 pot. The only thing we discuss are large purchases.

[redskinss]

17 minutes ago, Die Hard said:

The only thing we discuss are large purchases.

How many small purchases equal one large purchase?

 

Asking for a friend.

[Simmsy]

I haven't had a GF in about ten years, that was one of the reasons...but there are so many. People always ask "don't you get lonely?". Sometimes, but it doesn't last nearly as long as the misery of being in a relationship.

[bearrock]

When my wife and I were dating, it was pretty organic, but pretty sure she paid more because she was making more at the time.  After we got married, I started making more, but it's all one big pot anyway.  We budget together on major or recurring expenditure and on the small stuff, we just check in and ask if the other is okay with it if it's more than like a hundred bucks or something.  I think every couple has their own dynamics and open, honest, and consistent dialogue is key.

[TheDoyler23]

Both of our checks go into the same pot. But I have a family business on the side and while that money doesn't mingle, but I routinely use that for things like vacations, date nights,  investments, medical expenses, etc. My wife back when we were dating pretty much split things or took turns. 

 

 

[Sacks 'n' Stuff]

Yes. Cause they’re prostitutes.

[Renegade7]

Some women take pride in paying for stuff at a certain point in a relationship that is serious as part of asserting their independenceamd affection for you,  especially if they had their own thing going on income-wise before yall met and know damn well they can afford it without even trying because they worked hard for it.

 

Some don't.

[LadySkinsFan]

Different perspective based on my same sex relationships. 

 

First:  She made more money than me and I had a child. When we started living together, she was renting a house, she paid rent and utilities and I bought the food. I paid for childcare when we went out. We then decided to buy a Goodman house in Silver Spring off GA Ave. We split expenses according to the ratio of our take home pay. She paid the mortgage, I paid for childcare for after school and dates.

 

Second:  I made more money than she. I paid for pretty much everything. Mortgage, utilities, food. I also food shopped and cooked. She cleaned up the kitchen. When her adult daughter moved in, we came up with a schedule of household tasks to be rotated on a weekly basis, that way no one was stuck with the same thing all of the time except the cooking and kitchen cleanup. It lasted a couple of months when she complained her daughter was too busy studying to do the weekly chores. So I told her she had to pick up the slack because my daughter was still in school and I wasn't going to do more because my work schedule was more than 50hours a week (more like 60 sometimes, proposals). She got really mad but I didn't care at that point. Her daughter wasn't paying any rent.  No good deed and all.

 

Third: We both worked,  we didn't really live together so we shared everything pretty much equally. Financially that relationship worked the best. 

 

I wanted to write this post because there's no male/female dynamic at play, it was really who made what. If I'm ever in a relationship again, I anticipate that finances will be handled the same way.

[CousinsCowgirl84]

I think if you are feeling uncomfortable about you should tell her. 

[Jumbo]

I try to leach off everyone, regardless of the nature of the relationship. It extends the viability of my own resources. I'm a diehard conservationist. And I am open for business!

 

[Destino]

I’ve been married so long I don’t even know what that means anymore. There is no such thing as my money. There’s just our finances and with my wife being an accountant, she’s claimed this as her territory. 

[tshile]

Yeah been married a long time now. When we were dating, I paid, because that was the social expectation at the time. 
 

But my understanding is things have been different for a while now. 

edit: the rest of this is more advice on how to deal with your situation, which you maybe aren’t even interested in…

 

if you’ve been dating for 6 months, my suggestion is to just talk to her about it. In fact, if you’re unsure how serious your relationship is then how she handles the conversation will probably be a gut check on it for you. 
 

a reasonable person that valued the relationship would understand and offer some sort of solution (even if it’s not 50-50, maybe that would be harder financially for her, but at least she’d offer something)

 

you might even find out she doesn’t need to do all those expensive things, but because you kept paying and suggesting it she went along with it to spend time with you 🤷‍♂️ 

 

this should be a relatively easy conversation to have if you’re not a jerk about it and she’s a reasonable person that values the relationship 

Edited May 3 by tshile

[tshile]

5 hours ago, abdcskins said:

For those that are married, or have kids, I'd be interested to hear how you split expenses.  Is it right down the middle on everything?  Separate bank accounts?  That is not something I have ever had to deal with.

One big pot. Minus whatever she puts in a bank account I don’t know about 🤔

 

She’s a person that feels bad if she gets 5 new shirts and only spends 15$. So, I never have to worry about how she spends money. She makes significantly more than me anyways, so even if I did take issue it’d be a loser of an argument to have for me. 
 

I only spend money on **** we need. 
 

big purchases (things that require loans…) we discuss and make sure we’re on the same page. Which usually means me spending a year talking about before she’s finally willing to consider it. Generally I get what I want - she’s guarding against my impulsiveness, and I’m OK with that. 

but again - this seems to not be the way with the young generations. Seems like everyone I know my age or younger keeps their finances separated. Most people my age that I know got married 5-10 years later in life than I did. If we hadn’t married so early, maybe we would have kept them separate 🤷‍♂️ 

Edited May 3 by tshile

[Die Hard]

3 hours ago, redskinss said:

How many small purchases equal one large purchase?

 

Asking for a friend.

Females often exploit that loophole 😂

Men generally make big purchases (stereo equipment, big screen tvs, ATVs, etc. while women generally nickel and dime… but still spend the same amount. 😂
 

My wife/girlfriends: “I bought X… it’s was on sale for $5. So I bought 400 of them.”

 

“But don’t worry, I’m probably going to return about a dozen though.”

 

😂

Edited May 3 by Die Hard

[redskinss]

42 minutes ago, Die Hard said:

Females often exploit that loophole 😂

Men generally make big purchases (stereo equipment, big screen tvs, ATVs, etc. while women generally nickel and dime… but still spend the same amount. 😂
 

My wife/girlfriends: “I bought X… it’s was on sale for $5. So I bought 400 of them.”

 

“But don’t worry, I’m probably going to return about a dozen though.”

 

😂

Yup and then there's the, I bought this awesome thinga ma bob that makes life so much easier for performing whatchamacallit.

 

I got you one too!

 

And that's how they figure you won't be upset because they got you a thinga ma bob too.

 

 

 

Edited May 3 by redskinss

[abdcskins]

Thanks all.  What I get from reading all your replies is that everyone has their own system of, "fair equal pay."  I can also sense that the stronger the relationship, the less of an issue money becomes.  There is love, understanding, and communication.  Taking turns and handling different areas of expenses also seems like a theme.

 

I think for some people, me included, we were never taught to have these conversations.  It is an interesting and important dynamic of relationships.  If one person feels they are being taken advantage of, or not being appreciated, or their partner is simply not contributing in whatever fashion, well that can lead to some issues.

 

At the end of the day, it comes down to communication.  I have never lived with a romantic partner, albeit briefly, so it interests me how each couple handles stuff.