Need advice from my Extremskins family (Long)

[Vilandil Tasardur]

Few of you know me that well; I don't post here often. I certainly never thought I'd be posting here for advice, but I've seen this community come together to help people out when they need it in the past. And for whatever reason, I'm not sure who else to ask for advice at this point in my life.

I've been with my fiancee for four years tomorrow. I proposed last Easter and, for the most part, it's been a very successful relationship. We moved in together about 14 months ago and, through every one of our fights, I have always been able to say that I love her and wanted to make it work. She has her faults, but so do we all.

This past summer, things took a turn for the worse. I'm having a very hard time describing it, but things just feel very different. Her doctors switched some of her medication, which led to a very crappy month while her body adjusted, but it seems to be more than that and the entire thing is sort of lingering.

The truth is that there are a lot of god qualities which used to outweigh the bad, but lately it hasn't felt that way. For example, she is extremely fun and adventurous. She's the kind of girl who loves to try new things, go new places, and explore different surroundings. She is not, however, a particularly caring or nurturing person. I've just always accepted this good with the bad.

However, recently I was diagnosed with a neck disease (the specifics of which I won't get into because I'm still in the process of finding them out) but the point is that it's going to drastically alter the way I live my life and who I am. Naturally, I am trying to remain upbeat but have been very depressed about the entire situation. I have always had my life very much in order, and one of the reasons that my fiance and I worked so well was because I could be her hero, I enjoyed being their for her and stabilizing her in times of need. Unfortunately, she is completely useless at reciprocating this.

It's simply not in her nature, it's not who she is. Every time I try to talk to her about the depression or my worries she gets very awkward and clams up; the girl just doesn't know how to handle my being emotional.

To make a long story short, I'm very concerned because I'm beginning to feel as though I can no longer overlook the bad for the good. I have always felt that our relationship was quite lopsided, at times I've even described it as abusive, because of how I would always be there for her and she was usually emotionally unavailable in my times of need. However, I never had a time of need so great as this, and I always assumed that if I ever did that we would work through it, but we simply have not.

My real problem, besides not being sure if I really want to leave her, is that I haven't broken up with a girl since I was 16. My fiance and I live together, both go to school, and we share a car. How do you break up with someone like this? Even if I move out and find a place, which would be quite difficult, I know she has no chance at paying the rent on the house without me. The car belongs to my parents; if I move out then what? Is it fair for me to just move out and leave her with no car to get to school or work with? I have no idea how "adult breakups" go down. I'm sure I could find a friend to crash with until the semester ends if I had to, but I don't want to screw her over either. I'm rapidly growing dissatisfied with the relationship, but can't justify leaving her in a house with no car. Or can I? Is it just her place to solve her stuff out from their? This is part of why I think I want to leave; I have grown very accustomed to mortgaging my happiness for her, and I no longer want to do that.

Basically, this was kind of a crazy rant. I don't know if any of you will read it all, or even some of it. But I could use some advice. Sometimes, it really helps to hear from people who have no emotional investment. Thanks guys.

[Capt. Kaos]

I don't know you or her personally but from what I have read here, RUN!

Run like hell, Don't look back, don't worry about the future, don't slow down, don't for a second rethink this decision, just RUN!

I have said it before and I'll say it again: The one thing all successful relationships have in common are they are a 100%/100% effort.

anything less and someone is going to suffer and that's no way to go through life.

[Switchgear]

There are lots of little convenient reasons to stay and try to keep making it work. But keep the big picture in mind. If you can't see her in your life long term, you need to end it. The grown up thing to do is let her know and work out the particulars (how long both of you will keep staying there, how you'll divide your stuff up, etc). I hope she's able to do that, it doesn't sound like she's the reasonable type.

Be prepared for "Is there someone else", "I'm getting a lawyer", that sort of thing. And to be honest, make sure you're physically safe, as in don't let her have any access to wherever you're sleeping. Probably not an issue but better safe than throat slit and turned into a "man suit".

[FanboyOf91]

To make a long story short, I'm very concerned because I'm beginning to feel as though I can no longer overlook the bad for the good. I have always felt that our relationship was quite lopsided, at times I've even described it as abusive, because of how I would always be there for her and she was usually emotionally unavailable in my times of need. However, I never had a time of need so great as this, and I always assumed that if I ever did that we would work through it, but we simply have not.

Leave now. Your marriage will be hell.

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

Totally understand. I was in a serious relationship with someone exactly like you are describing. It's a tough thing to accept, especially if you love(d) the person. And nothing you do will change them unfortunately. You can ask for time apart to try to shock her into "waking up", but it won't work. They are who they are.

It sounds to me like you have already decided to break up with her, you just don't know how? How as in the aftermath. I don't know what to tell you there. That's rough--and I've been in a similar situation to that as well. Does she have friends she can stay with? Until she can get her **** together?

[Sticksboi05]

If you're telling yourself the bad outwieghs the good, I'd end it.

[Vilandil Tasardur]

Wow, I didn't expect the responses to be behind me quite so much.

Quite honestly, I was mostly looking for validation that I wasn't being an ***hole or "scared" to get married. We're both 21, and have dated since we were 17. I don't want to pull out the "we've changed" crap, because I honestly think that's something that people are supposed to be able to work through.

However, my parents have a very loving marriage of over 25 years, and I can see from that that one person is not supposed to feel used by the other. I've always felt that everyone has moments where they think "**** it, I'm out of here." But I don't know at what point that feeling is normal to a relationship and at what point it's damn good sense to act on it.

You guys are probably right, the more I think about it the more I seem to be making up my mind. The logistics really trip me up, but I don't know at where the line is between knowing she needs me and putting my foot down and doing something for myself.

[81+83+84=Posse]

If you feel this way, chances are she does too. Honestly, it sounds to me like she is just with you so she has somewhere to live and transportation.

If it were me, I'd just explain it to her and ask her to leave.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

Quite honestly, if I had these doubts when I was engaged, I would have had to pull the rip cord. I don't believe you can go into a marriage with a lukewarm feeling. Unless you view marriage the way you'd view another relationship and you'd be OK with a possible divorce, I would deal with the logistics of breaking up now.

It won't be easier to undo it AFTER you're married. That's for sure.

[Bliz]

My real problem, besides not being sure if I really want to leave her, is that I haven't broken up with a girl since I was 16. My fiance and I live together, both go to school, and we share a car. How do you break up with someone like this? Even if I move out and find a place, which would be quite difficult, I know she has no chance at paying the rent on the house without me. The car belongs to my parents; if I move out then what? Is it fair for me to just move out and leave her with no car to get to school or work with? I have no idea how "adult breakups" go down. I'm sure I could find a friend to crash with until the semester ends if I had to, but I don't want to screw her over either. I'm rapidly growing dissatisfied with the relationship, but can't justify leaving her in a house with no car. Or can I? Is it just her place to solve her stuff out from their? This is part of why I think I want to leave; I have grown very accustomed to mortgaging my happiness for her, and I no longer want to do that.

Wow, I didn't expect the responses to be behind me quite so much.

Quite honestly, I was mostly looking for validation that I wasn't being an ***hole or "scared" to get married. We're both 21, and have dated since we were 17. I don't want to pull out the "we've changed" crap, because I honestly think that's something that people are supposed to be able to work through.

Part of the reason people are so behind you is the way you expressed it here. But we don't know you, and we haven't seen it for ourselves. If it's complete and accurate, you're not doing anyone any favors by sticking around because you don't know how to end it. If it was somewhat exaggerated and blowing off steam, you need to figure it out, at least by indefinitely postponing the marriage, and maybe trying out couples counseling.

But I'll say this much. You should be a different person now than you were at 17. If you're not, you're in all likelihood a loser. It's why high school relationships rarely last.

I haven't been through one as bad as you're talking about, but I've seen a few. You can't dictate how it goes. A lot of it will depend on her reaction. This is not going to be a "one night and you're done" situation. If she takes it like a mature adult, you need to help her find a new place. You will need to help her move out. And you will probably have to sleep on the couch for a few days while this is all getting sorted out. If you know she relies on the car to be able to get to school or work, help her find a different solution, whether it's finding a used car or getting a bus pass or borrowing your car from time to time. If she goes completely ape****, it changes everything entirely.

Lean on your friends. If they're not here for you now, they're not real friends.

[ldysknzfn1]

As a female, it's hard for me to grasp that another female isn't nurturing on any level. However, I suppose there are those kind amongst my gender, obviously you found one. I'm pretty much in agreement w/the others who have posted ahead of me in saying "get out". If she's not able to do that now, especially when your need for it has increased drastically, then she will NEVER be able to do that at any point in this particular relationship. I think you've already made up your mind, you just wanted someone to agree w/you...I agree w/you. Tell her how you feel, that you're leaving, sort out the particulars, let her see you're not gonna just pull the rug out from under her right away. But let her know you won't be a crutch for her either. Give her time to get some things in place so she won't be left w/o transportation etc and think you've abandoned her completely. She will panic if you do and possibly make things difficult for you...lay on the guilt, etc. (I agree w/bliz, help her find the solutions that will free you from this). That will actually show her what a real man is supposed to be and she'll look for those qualities in her next relationship.

And I hope to God this woman never has children, w/o the nurturing gene, she will fail miserably as a mother.

[TimmySmith]

The car is keeping you together??? Seriously??

[hockeysc23]

Part of the reason you probably shouldn't have "acted" married before being married ... sharing a car, finances etc. Although on the other hand maybe it helped you come to the right conclusion. Regardless of which path you go down both will take a lot of work and won't be easy. It's never easy to break up with someone but if you are 21 you are young.

But something to consider. People always change. It happens. It's whether or not you are willing to still work with your significant other to understand, and grow together. I believe the old saying is true, "Men marry hoping women will never change, women marry hoping to change the man."

Either way best of luck.

[First Colony]

And I hope to God this woman never has children, w/o the nurturing gene, she will fail miserably as a mother.

This is key. I am assuming that since you wanted to marry her, you wanted to have children with her. If she doesn't know how to handle you "being emotional", how good of a mother do you expect her to be? I hate to sound callous, but one of the keys in marriage (in my opinion) is looking for a woman that you not only love, but who will be the best mother and partner.

You think that you are being mature in thinking about her and worrying about the house/car situation. Truthfully, that is immature. You're just throwing up flimsy reasons as to why you should stay together. Will it suck? You bet it will, but welcome to being an adult. Put on your big boy pants, be respectful to her and try to part on good terms.

You know that you've already decided that you are doing this, you are just scared as to the how.

Good Luck.

[Bliz]

But something to consider. People always change. It happens. It's whether or not you are willing to still work with your significant other to understand, and grow together. I believe the old saying is true, "Men marry hoping women will never change, women marry hoping to change the man."

Either way best of luck.

I always heard it as, "Men marry thinking women will never change, women marry thinking men will change, and they're both wrong"

In any case, there's a difference in my mind between trying to make it work (which it sounds like he's been doing for a long time) and saying "eff it, let's get married anyway and hope it works." Hard to see how you can go into a marriage thinking you will be miserable and it won't work unless they make drastic changes they have so far shown no propensity to make. Sounds like a recipe for misery and divorce.

[S.T.real,lights,out]

At some point in time and this sounds like one u need to put yourself first. Not always but you have been doing it for her for a very long time it seems and if she cant comfort you the way you need it then its time to move on. Shes an adult just like you and she will figure out how to take care of herself just like you're going to need to do the same. Good luck with whatever you do. But you cant stay with someone just b/c you feel sorry or are affraid of what might happen when you break up with them.

[Destructis]

It all comes down to one thing. Are you happy with her?

No one here can tell you what to do and only you can answer that question. Once you figure that out, you will have your answer.

[thebluefood]

This doesn't sound good at all. That kind of emotionally awkward and, frankly, cold disposition she has will make your marriage hell. This is double if you guys end up having kids.

You need to tell her exactly how you feel. If things don't change, then you better get out.

[skinsmania123]

Look marriage is hard enough without having such low expectations. The truth is she is not demonstrating love and concern the way you want her to and her ability to feel compassion is limited or non-existent from what you have shared. For someone else she may be perfect. But she is not for you because of what you want/need emotionally that she is clearly not able to provide. Why drag this out with some warped sense of responsibility? If this is the way it is now, what is it going to be like later if you decide to marry her and bring children into the picture? Look people get physically sick staying in relationships where their emotional needs are not met. It takes more courage to move on then to stay in a relationship that is dysfunctional.

[Destino]

She's the kind of girl who loves to try new things, go new places, and explore different surroundings. She is not, however, a particularly caring or nurturing person.

The quoted line all by itself screams "this is not a future wife as much as a future ex-wife". If she needs to be entertained and can't handle problems then that's a major red flag. You wife is the person that has to handle EVERYTHING if you get hit by a bus or get nailed with a horrible disease. Marriage entails much more time doing nothing than exploring different things. Life gets in the way and responsibilities sometimes limit fun-time.

[Predicto]

You are 21 years old. You do not need to be married yet and this does not sound like the right person. YOu got in over your head when you were too young to judge the things that matter in a relationship. Get out, grow up more, and live your life.

Heck, who knows. She may just be young too. She may grow up and you will find each other again in the future, on better footing.

But for now, add me to the "run for the hills" group.

Predicto (who has been married for 20 great years to someone who is 100 percent in my corner, and vice versa).

[Teller]

I don't know you or her personally but from what I have read here, RUN!

My thoughts exactly.

[Vilandil Tasardur]

Thank you for the support guys. Honestly, I'm quite surprised by the amount of responses I got. I went to take a nap fully expecting this to fall of the first page.

The truth is, I think you guys hit the nail on the head. I've been feeling like the adult thing to do is to stick it out and gut through your problems. Now I'm starting to feel as though it's just making me into a crutch. Her paycheck last week was 30 dollars; I'm tired of driving her everywhere and ponying up all the cash in this relationship. I'll definitely be having a talk with her soon. At the very least I'll give her an ultimatum; that way best case scenario things get better, and worst case scenario she's a few steps closer to being solitary if she fails.

[The Brave Little Toaster Oven]

RUN!!!!!!!!!!

Dont look back.

RUNNNNNNNN!

[renaissance]

You should never have to rationalize your relationship. Whether the good outweighs the bad or vice versa, if you're ever looking at your relationship in those terms then there is something seriously wrong.