Need advice from my Extremskins family (Long)

[Rudechain]

Wow, I didn't expect the responses to be behind me quite so much.

Quite honestly, I was mostly looking for validation that I wasn't being an ***hole or "scared" to get married. We're both 21, and have dated since we were 17. I don't want to pull out the "we've changed" crap, because I honestly think that's something that people are supposed to be able to work through.

However, my parents have a very loving marriage of over 25 years, and I can see from that that one person is not supposed to feel used by the other. I've always felt that everyone has moments where they think "**** it, I'm out of here." But I don't know at what point that feeling is normal to a relationship and at what point it's damn good sense to act on it.

You guys are probably right, the more I think about it the more I seem to be making up my mind. The logistics really trip me up, but I don't know at where the line is between knowing she needs me and putting my foot down and doing something for myself.

Your 21 and you still have not become the "man" your going to be. She has not become the "woman" that she is going to be. I would say that you need to take a deep look at yourself, how you feel and where you want to be in the future. Do you see her a part of it? Do you find you don't communicate with each other anymore?

And the we change crap really is not crap at all. You are changing as she is also. You can still care for someone but find that you can no longer be a lover to them.

I won't say run as fast as you can, but seriously consider just what you want in a relationship. A relationship takes work to be a success. One person can't be doing all the heavy lifting.

Regardless, you need to be happy and in a healthy relationship. If you don't feel it or see it in this one, then it's time to move on.

[Destructis]

At the very least I'll give her an ultimatum; .

Seriously, don't do that. It will just make things even uglier than they are now. Just tell her how you feel and see what she does. Then make your decision. Don't try to force her into doing anything. If she does change after you attempt the force, she will just revert back in a little while.

[RedskinFeathers]

Talk to her first. Explain how you feel.

But if you're most worried about breaking up because you're worried about how it will affect school, your car, and your house...you should probably end things. Then you can figure out how to deal with the rent and car stuff. Take care of yourself first!

And good luck with the neck problems, sounds rough

[PeterMP]

Have you tried talking to her about it?

My wife doesn't handle stress very well. She gets stressed, then distracted, and then that makes things worse, and then she gets upset. My job in the relationship, during stressful times, as always been to be the person that keeps things together and keep us moving through it. Planning the wedding was a stressful time for my wife (for various reasons, including we were living pretty far apart), and she'd call me crying, and sometimes I'd think is marrying her really a good idea.

Then we went through a period where I was very stressed and of course she was also pretty stressed and things were pretty much a disaster. Now, I was slow to talk to her about it (generally, I'm just a really bad communicator and she's a bad communicator to when stressed), but eventually I did, and you know things still weren't great, but they got better. Eventually, we worked through situations with the stress and now things are back to "normal".

[zoony]

This really isnt that complicated. Move her things out into the parking lot of your complex while she is at class. Then change the locks. I also suggest a wig and a fake mustache for a few weeks.

And on a serious note, very sorry to hear of your illness. All the best to you and stay strong

[HogNose]

Get out of this situation as soon as you can. Don't worry about the car, there is always public transportation until things change for her. You have to look towards the future and realize this will be just a blip on the radar. Resolve it as fast as you can and don't let it consume you. Stay strong and the best of luck to you.

[Vilandil Tasardur]

Thanks again for all the help guys.

We had an hours long talk tonight, and it was very up and down. At first she was very receptive and we communicated probably the best we ever have. She was very interested in why I felt the way I did and what she had been doing wrong. Then I went to take a shower and when I got out, she had fled the house. I ended up driving her down and finding her attempting to walk to school.

We talked for several more hours. She went back and forth between being very rational and analyzing whether or not our personalities are a good enough match and whether or not it's worth fixing, and then falling into tears and feeling like she failed at being a good girlfriend. It was quite complicated because I'm not entirely sure I want to leave her, but I sure as hell don't want to be guilted into staying either. At the moment, I think the plan is to see the school counselor as soon as possible. We've seen her before with smaller issues and she's been good. If nothing else, I think it will help me communicate better. One of our biggest problems is that I speak in generalities such as "I think you treat me poorly" and she wants specific events such as "It hurt when you did this." I don't tend to hang on to events, only the emotions. So I don't always remember specifically why I'm upset, just that she made me upset. My hope is that having a mediator may help us understand whether we feel this is a personality clash or something that we should work through.

Honestly, thank you so much for the support. I never imagined I'd get three pages out of you guys; ES is really a wonderful place and such a caring community. As for my neck problems, I have an appointment with a neurologist on Tuesday which will answer a lot more questions and clear up a large amount of uncertainty. I may not like what I hear, but at least I'll have heard it and be able to deal with it directly. I'll probably elaborate more then, since at this point I don't want to be discussing hypotheticals, they just depress me more.

[Burgold]

Not knowing enough, but if the bottom line is what you believe is that she can't be there for you then she shouldn't be your wife. That's a role a spouse has to take. There are times that you will need each other. It's fine to be the hero and the "man" of the relationship, but she's got to do some lifting too.

Came to this thread very late and responded to the OP... don't know if my advice is useful or not. Please feel free to disregard.