brandymac27 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 My best friend is showing signs of having problems with alcohol. I care about her dearly and I'm concerned because she's drinking a LOT. Normally I'd pass this off as somebody just trying to unwind or relax, but every day after work she's downing a 12 pack by herself and I know she's going through a lot of personal issues (custody of her kids, etc). I've talked to her about her drinking and she gets very angry and defensive. She isn't missing work or anything like that, but she's just drinking a LOT and I'm concerned. How do you know when somene actually has a problem? I really think she's self medicating and may need help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CRobi21 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I'm no professional, but a 12 pack everyday after work sounds like a problem. A daily occurrence sounds like it's become a ritualistic action, probably as a crutch for the problems you mentioned. Gets off work, mind not being used as frequently / Mind obviously starts to roam towards her troubles / 12 beers makes it hurt a little less. I think you're right to be concerned, though I have no opinions for going forward in doing something. Can see why she (and other people with this issue) get defensive. Kind of like piling on her (their) problems. Maybe ask if she'd like to see a doctor to talk her through her legal issues, and maybe the drinking would be addressed in that environment. I'm sure our ES brethren can help far more than I. Hoping for the best for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balki1867 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Do you know other people in her life? The reasons interventions work so well is because it becomes overwhelming in that so many people from ones life come together to deliver that message. My guess is that she already knows she has a problem (hence the defensiveness), but your next move might be to team up with other common friends of hers so she can't dodge the issue. You are an amazing friend for being this concerned. And she should consider herself incredibly lucky that someone is trying to intervene and help her before her problem has any real/major consequences. It's not going to be pleasant but the sooner and harder you can (figuratively) "slap her in the face" with this, the better it will be for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
d0ublestr0ker0ll Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 A 12 pack every day? Hold the **** on. I am a pretty large man, and go on beer binges where I can't kick the stuff for weeks, and three or four beers a session does the trick. Max is 7. At that point I am feelin it good. 12 beers is something I'd do once in a blue moon, and I wouldn't want to see the stuff the next day. Of course, I'm not young anymore, where we'd drink as many as possible before puking and blacking out. Still, for a female to be crushing 12 beers every day is insane. One of the biggest symptoms of alcoholsm is denial. Alcohol itself is liquid denial. It covers up emotional pain and problems. Even just having a busy schedule or tough job will get you reaching for that bottle opener. I struggle all the time with drinking, but moderation is key. Maybe say that to her. Like, you gotta start drinking less girl, Jesus Christ, that's ridiculous. A six pack can't get you by? 12 beers a day is changing you for the worse, and any true friend would be concerned. The problem isn't me. Then open one of her beers and chug it all the way. Crush it with your hand and say, "have a nice day." Then walk out of the room, giving her one last mean gilmpse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mocountyskins Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 When over the course of 6 years you spend 3 and a half years of it on the addiction. When you commit 17 hours a day to the addiction 7 days a week for years. Or when you lie about everything and get super defensive. When you have panic attacks when you think your going to lose it. Or when you have to steal money to get what you want. Or when you skip your grandmothers funeral. Or when you wake up in the middle of the night because you had a dream where everything was gone. Or when you start calling random people asking them if their internet is down. And the list goes on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balki1867 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 There was a moment in my first year out of college where I hated the job I was working. They sent me to Jacksonville, FL for 3.5 weeks by myself at one point, and one Friday night on the way back to the hotel, I bought a 12-pack of Budweiser and drank the whole thing that evening by myself in my hotel room. It wasn't part of a pattern of behavior or anything, but that night I was self-medicating, even if I didn't know it at the time. The point of this post is three-fold: 1) I'm a 195 pound man, probably bigger that most but not exceptionally large, so yeah its possible; 2) Nobody drinks like that unless there is a problem; 3) When the problems in our lives exceed our resources to cope with these sorts or problems we're ALL capable of doing something irresponsible and this is where I think your friend is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Springfield Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Drinking a 12 pack in a night once, with friends, while conversing and having a generally fun time... that is normal. Take the social aspect out of it. Take the fun away. Make that occurrence more frequent and you've got a problem. To me, if you are using a drug by yourself in excess then you have a problem. A glass of wine, a couple of beers, a coc.ktail with dinner or after isn't a big deal. Drinking by yourself because you have nothing else to do is. How to approach someone with a problem is more difficult. Some people would rather lose your friendship than their crutch they have to get by in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Thanks for all of your responses. She's definitely spiraling out of control. The hard part about this is that she's still working and taking care of her daily responsibilities (somehow), so when I approach her, she denies the drinking is an issue and brings up the fact that she's "taking care of business". This has been going on for a couple of months now, and it all began with her custody/divorce issues so I'm 99.9% sure she's self medicating. I've known her for a while and have NEVER seen her drink like this. She'd go out with us and normally only have 1 or 2 drinks, if that. But now it's really gotten out of control, and I'm not the only person who has noticed. I know a few of her other friends and we all agree that something is up. We just don't know where to go from here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The 12th Commandment Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Ask her if she's sure she can bring it back under control when she's over the trauma. Before it gets to impacting things. It sucks to wait too long, it just makes getting over the dependence harder. Much better if your rock bottom doesn't result in you being full of shame over it. Tell her you're going to make sure she does. Sorry to see anyone dealing with this from either side. Good luck, you're a good friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Thanks. The hardest part in this is knowing someone I care about may have a serious problem, but I can't do anything about it because she swears she doesn't have a problem. Part of who I am is to want to help people, and I just feel like I can't do anything for her. I guess the old saying that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves is true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slateman Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 You just know. The problem is not going to be you doing something or saying something. The problem is going to be that person admitting they have a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Bay Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 You just know. The problem is not going to be you doing something or saying something. The problem is going to be that person admitting they have a problem. Yeah. In my experience if you're having those thoughts than the likelihood of a problem is already there. I've had friends where I've talked to them and they'd get mad and try to turn the blame around so their own realization is the key. And the hardest part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Kaos Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 First off, I wish I had a friend like you when I spiraled. To the point... If she's getting angry/defensive when you broach the subject she already knows there is a problem. Unfortunately knowing there's a problem (most addicts know) and being willing to admit it and do something about it are worlds apart. Know this, if you stick by her, and it sounds like you will, she will lie to you, she will hurt you, she will deceive you and she will more than likely denounce your friendship time and time again, even going so far as blaming you. The hardest part is going to see her get worse before she gets better, it's the nature of addiction. She's a functioning alcoholic, some say they are the worst to deal with because they have the mentality that as long as the responsibilities are taken care of there's not a problem, even in worse case scenarios. Sticking with her is going to take patience, a thick skin and some learning on your part. Read up on addiction, especially alcoholism. The more prepared you are to deal with her actions/reactions the better off you both will be in the long run. Good Luck to the both of you, if I can help in any small way just let me know. Addiction Sucks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abdcskins Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 You just know. The problem is not going to be you doing something or saying something. The problem is going to be that person admitting they have a problem. This is correct. It is up to her to change. I have realized that in personal experience. It sounds like she is indeed trying to self-medicate and, "drown her problems." The best thing you could do it tell her that you care about her and don't want to see her hurt herself. Express your concern. That's all you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsmarydu Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 First off, I wish I had a friend like you when I spiraled. Addiction Sucks! Me, too...and yes it does. Everything you said is right on. And you know I'm here for ya, B-Mac,...sober! I've slipped a couple times, but it's a road worth trying to stay on. Let me know it you need me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balki1867 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I thought I'd give this thread a bump based on this article in the post. http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/09/25/think-you-drink-a-lot-this-chart-will-tell-you/ (I honestly have no idea where I first saw a link to this article, so I'm going to pre-emptively apologize if it was another thread in this forum). It's dated from September, but its been making the rounds a lot on social media lately (I just read it last week). Apparently the 10% of heaviest-drinking adults in the US (24m people) AVERAGE 74 drinks a week-- pretty close to the 12-pack-a-day habit we were talking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jpage520 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Thanks. The hardest part in this is knowing someone I care about may have a serious problem, but I can't do anything about it because she swears she doesn't have a problem. Part of who I am is to want to help people, and I just feel like I can't do anything for her. I guess the old saying that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves is true As much as it hurts, you have the right mindset. Folks who step into the realm of substance addiction don't see themselves the same way the people around them all the time do. And the part that makes it so hard for a person in your position is that the person won't truly make a change for the better until they're truly ready, and sometimes it gets pretty ugly on that road. My advice is to stick by her and understand that she's not herself. Don't enable her by contributing to her consumption or encouraging it. There are gonna come points in this process that you're gonna feel like the worst person in the world because the easy way out would involve enabling her but deep down you know doing that only makes the problem worse so somehow you will look like the bad guy. Make it known that you're there and are willing to help, but that you won't support her hurting herself. I truly wish you all the luck in the world. I've been in your position on more than one occasion and it's mentally and emotionally taxing beyond anyone's imagination. Keep in mind also that there are support groups and organizations there not just for folks facing addiction but the people trying to help those with addiction. If it gets too hard, those people can help. I wish you and your friend the best and hope things get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chachie Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Thanks. The hardest part in this is knowing someone I care about may have a serious problem, but I can't do anything about it because she swears she doesn't have a problem. Part of who I am is to want to help people, and I just feel like I can't do anything for her. I guess the old saying that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves is true I missed this thread when you started it, Brandy. Any updates? I lost what could have been the love of my life to alcoholism (she is still drinking) and have had two very close buddies go down to cocaine/crack addiction. I tried hard for years to help them but eventually learned that I was powerless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chew Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Bottom line...for an addict, they're either in treatment/recovery, or they're still an addict. They Want help, or they dont. Not to be captain obvious with that statement, but I was in a limbo state for a few months when i kept saying i was going to get treatment, but didn't. The hardest part for me was completely letting go. Even when i started rehab, I had EVERY intention to drink again. Giving up alcohol completely, knowing there will never be another "one last time" was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life. I cried for pint of cognac every day for weeks before my body was fully detoxed. Please try to convince your friend that they need treatment if you can. All i needed was the people who cared about me most (my wife and my mom) to confront me. Just like those on intervention on tv, I was extremely defensive and in denial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 When they start telling you stupid lies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoony Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 If he or she is drinking but it's not affecting her life I probably wouldn't say anything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 What do they call that again ? Functional alcoholic ? Something like that...that would be me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slateman Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 When you have to start justifying to yourself as to why you're not confronting your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoony Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 What do they call that again ? Functional alcoholic ? Something like that...that would be me. I.e. several of my friends and family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spjunkies Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Looks like solid advice has been given (no surprise) The poor lady is doing a number on her liver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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