Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[Larry]

Hubbs, you were right in the segregation thread about good ole FLORIDA

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/10/alex-mesa-ticketed-running-backwards-miami_n_3051787.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

Somebody called 911 to complain about somebody jogging backwards?

[skinsmarydu]

I am seriously grossed out by the eel thing. Seriously.

[twa]

People in the South are not so fat after all -- and they lie less

http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2013/04/people_in_the_south_are_not_so.html#incart_river_default

By comparing the BRFSS self-reported weight data with the REGARDS scale-weight data, researchers found that most everyone fudges, or underreports, their weight when asked on a telephone.

Turns out that Southerners fudge less, he said.

The study analyzed the weights in the nine geographic regions used by the U.S. Census Bureau.

It found that the West North Central region, which includes Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska and North and South Dakota, ranked fourth in obesity by the telephone survey results. But when actually weighed in the REGARDS study, people from that region ranked first in the nation for obesity.

In the telephone survey results, the East South Central region, which includes Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and Kentucky, ranked highest. But when weighed, that southern region ranked fifth.

"It is hard to know exactly what is going on, but my speculation is that people in the South are telling the truth more," Howard said. "Perhaps there is not as much stigma connected to obesity as say someone in California, or in this case, Minnesota."

Looking at the numbers shows the wide discrepancy between what people say on the telephone and the physical evidence of actually getting weighed. When weighed in the REGARDS study, all of the regions' obesity's numbers went up -- it's just that the southern region numbers went up less.

"Everybody underreports their weight but women do it more," Howard said.

Men, on the other hand, do something else that affects the Body Mass Index, which is weight divided by height squared and is used to define obesity.

"They overreport their height, which makes them seem less obese."

[skinsmarydu]

People in the South are not so fat after all -- and they lie less

I was weighed at 109 last week on a follow-up on my blood pressure meds.

Claimed 110 on driver's license renewal on Thurs.

Call the media...I actually did something you QUOTED.:ols::ols::ols:

[China]

Texas Teacher Denies Fondling First-Grader, Says She’s Too Racist to Molest a Black Student

A Texas prep school teacher who stands accused of molesting a black first grade student claims she's completely innocent.

Her proof? She's a racist.

61-year-old Esther Irene Stokes of Montgomery was charged with felony indecency with a child last week after allegations surfaced that she had touched the private parts of a 7-year-old female student at Northwest Preparatory Academy Charter School in Humble

"The victim said that she was in the classroom alone with the teacher and that the teacher touched her on the outside of her clothes, on what she called her ‘private part,' her vaginal area," a Humble Police Department detective told KHOU.

According to detective, Stokes insists that she couldn't have fondled the student because she a racist and doesn't like touching black children.

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Not really funny, but a bizarre way to die:

Man Crushed By Bowling Pin Machine

Panama City Beach Police are investigating how a man was crushed by a bowling pin machine at Rockit Lanes.

News Channel 7 has learned a family was bowling on lane 7 Sunday afternoon when the pin machine got stuck. According to a worker, the family kept hitting the lane reset button. She looked down and saw an arm hanging out of the machine.

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Just for the title:

‘Pimp Stick Quezzy’ pleads guilty to prostitution

COLUMBIA, SC — The Columbia man who went by “Pimp Stick Quezzy” and ran an internet prostitution ring has pleaded guilty to sex trafficking charges Wednesday.

Click on the link for more

---------- Post added April-25th-2013 at 02:26 PM ----------

Apparently Hank Hill is raping people now:

Female jogger attacked at UBC

A police sketch of the UBC assault suspect

Hank Hill

Edited April 25, 2013 by China

[twa]

:cool:

An off-duty US navy sailor wrestled a bus driver to the ground and beat him into submission after he attempted to rape her at knife point, a court heard yesterday.

Prosecutors said that she knocked the knife from his hand, broke it in two, bit him in the hand, forced him to the ground and locked him between her thighs.

The woman, 28, was on 24-hour shore leave in Dubai and was attacked as she returned to the port where she was based after a day shopping.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2314631/US-sailor-thwarts-Dubai-bus-driver-rapist-putting-strangehold-thighs-beating-submission.html#ixzz2RZXUu427

Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

[Dan T.]

Apparently Hank Hill is raping people now:

Female jogger attacked at UBC

http://www.news1130.com/files/2013/04/UBCassaultsuspect-179x250.jpg

A police sketch of the UBC assault suspect

http://ih1.redbubble.net/image.13344752.1228/sticker,375x360.u1.png

Hank Hill

As a big fan of look-a-likes, I heart this post.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Dan T.

[China]

Woman, 80, swallows diamond at Fla. charity event

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - The idea behind the Tampa Women's Club charity event was simple. For $20, you could buy a flute of champagne and a chance to win a one-carat, $5,000 diamond.

Organizers of the Saturday event placed $10 cubic zirconia stones in the bottom of 399 of the 400 champagne glasses. The prized diamond, donated by Continental Wholesale Diamonds, was placed in the last.

The problem? Eighty-year-old Miriam Tucker accidentally swallowed it.

Tucker told local news media that she didn't want to put her finger in the champagne, so she drank a bit. While laughing with women at the table, she realized she swallowed it.

Embarrassed, she had to tell jewelers who were frantically searching for the winner.

Already scheduled for a colonoscopy on Monday, she had a doctor recover the jewel.

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

This classic might actually be worth its own thread lol

http://guyism.com/humor/korean-teacher-beats-student-then-masturbates-for-some-reason.html

KOREAN TEACHER BEATS STUDENT THEN MASTURBATES FOR SOME REASON

A teacher at a coed school in Seoul, South Korea completely lost his mind. How bad? He savagely beat a student then seemingly celebrated by masturbating.

According to a*report from Korea’s NocutNews*(translated by Korea Bang), police arrested Mr. A, the unidentified teacher caught in the video below, for causing bodily harm and public exposure.

Students told police that Mr. A went ballistic upon discovering a student in his class was listening to his headphones in class. He allegedly responded by then beating the student “savagely.”

He then allegedly ran into the hallway and began furiously masturbating for reasons that were unclear to the students who witnessed the act.

The school says that Mr. A denies any allegations of touching himself near students — though the video of him pantsless in the hallway seems to indicate otherwise.

The school did confirm that Mr. A beat the student, however, and have suspended the teacher indefinitely until they figure out an appropriate disciplinary response.

You can say what you will about his unorthodox methods, but I bet none of those kids strap on a pair of Beats by Dre in his class again. I’d be fully focused on my calculus if I knew there were even a 20% chance of my teacher beating me and masturbating, let alone a virtual certainty.

Video at link is SFW. Just him standing in the hallway with his pants down but still has his boxers on.

[Koolblue13]

http://gawker.com/police-arrest-taekwondo-instructor-in-connection-with-r-483774928

After arresting and then releasing an Elvis impersonator earlier this week in connection with the Ricin letters sent to President Obama and other political figures, police have now taken into custody a taekwondo instructor who was an apparent rival of the Elvis impersonator.

Everett Dutschke, 41, of Jackson, Mississippi, was arrested early this morning after FBI special agents searched his home this week. "I don't know how much more of this I can take," Dutschke had told reporters as the FBI rifled through his house.

The lawyers of Paul Kevin Curtis, 45, the Elvis impersonator and nemesis of Dutschke, believe that Dutschke was framing Curtis because of a personal vendetta arising out of a martial arts feud. Curtis was not too familiar with Dutschke, but was aware of a grudge being held against him.

[China]

Not sure how I missed this back in January, but here is Vomiting Larry:

Meet ‘Vomiting Larry’: The Fake Vomiting Head Scientists Are Using To Study The Norovirus Epidemic

When most people think of disease researchers, they think of heavily-masked scientists cordoning off contagious patients before they spread disease to innocent bystanders — you know, like in CSI or Contagion. They don’t think “Vomiting Larry.” Yet when it comes to battling the current, especially nasty outbreak of norovirus, this robotic head is on the forefront of medical research.

If you have been lucky enough not to catch it, the virus formerly known as the Norwalk virus is a stomach bug that can make you ill so quickly that Ian Goodfellow, a researcher at the University of Cambridge, called it “the Ferrari of viruses” in an interview with CBS News. “It can sweep through an environment very, very quickly. You can be feeling quite fine one minute and within several hours suffer continuous vomiting and diarrhea,” he said. The disease infects about 21 million people annual and renders them all completely miserable for two to three days. In extreme cases it can be fatal — the norovirus kills about 800 people every year.

...

Created by British researcher Catherine Makison-Booth to determine how the norovirus spreads via emesis — a.k.a. projectile vomiting — Larry’s unique skill set allows Makison-Booth to study spray patterns and determine the best way to effectively clean up afterwards in order to stop the spread of the virus. She expects this to be especially useful in battling outbreaks in close quarters where the disease spreads rapidly, such as cruise ships, oil rigs and nursing homes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmy8x2Lm7rE

Click on the link for more

[Dan T.]

^^

It looks remarkably like ES's very own Larry!

And I want one to set up on my porch next Halloween.

[mcsluggo]

Not sure how I missed this back in January, but here is Vomiting Larry:

just wait until you see the diarrhia model.....

Edited April 29, 2013 by mcsluggo

[China]

Burglary suspect admits to performing sex act in couple's home

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. -- Sheriff deputies say a burglary suspect admitted to having a really good time while in a couple's home.

Authorities arrested Jason Vickery, 23, on burglary and larceny charges. Deputies say he broke into a home on Atlantic View in St. Augustine.

Vickery told police he got into the home through an unlocked door. He told investigators he went upstairs to masturbate in the bathroom when he found a remote control helicopter. Vickery said he found some batteries and started playing with the helicopter. He also ate a salad that he brought with him, according to detectives.

Vickery told deputies he then went back to the bathroom to masturbate when he heard voices outside. He ran outside where a deputy, with his gun drawn, was waiting for him.

Click on the link for the full article

[PleaseBlitz]

Burglary suspect admits to performing sex act in couple's home

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. -- Sheriff deputies say a burglary suspect admitted to having a really good time while in a couple's home.

Authorities arrested Jason Vickery, 23, on burglary and larceny charges. Deputies say he broke into a home on Atlantic View in St. Augustine.

Vickery told police he got into the home through an unlocked door. He told investigators he went upstairs to masturbate in the bathroom when he found a remote control helicopter. Vickery said he found some batteries and started playing with the helicopter. He also ate a salad that he brought with him, according to detectives.

Vickery told deputies he then went back to the bathroom to masturbate when he heard voices outside. He ran outside where a deputy, with his gun drawn, was waiting for him.

Click on the link for the full article

NSFW: One F bomb and basically, its about bodily fluids.

Also, he ate a salad?

Edited April 30, 2013 by PleaseBlitz

[GoSkins0721]

Also, he ate a salad?

Of course he ate a salad. He brought with him.

[China]

More Florida goodness:

911 caller: Bring me Kool-Aid and some weed

Jarvis Carlton Sutton, a 34-year-old St. Petersburg man, reportedly called 911 about 80 times because he 'wanted Kool-Aid, burgers and weed to be delivered to him,' reports the Tampa Bay Times in St. Petersburg.

Click on the link for the full article

[GoSkins0721]

http://www.foodmanufacturing.com/news/2013/05/rat-meat-sold-lamb-china%E2%80%99s-latest-food-scandal?et_cid=3232769&et_rid=556170706&linkid=http%3a%2f%2fwww.foodmanufacturing.com%2fnews%2f2013%2f05%2frat-meat-sold-lamb-china%25E2%2580%2599s-latest-food-scandal

"BEIJING (AP) — Chinese police have broken up a criminal ring accused of taking meat from rats and foxes and selling it as lamb in the country's latest food safety scandal.

The Ministry of Public Security released results of a three-month crackdown on food safety violators, saying in a statement that authorities investigated more than 380 cases and arrested 904 suspects.

Among those arrested were 63 people who allegedly ran an operation in Shanghai and the coastal city of Wuxi that bought fox, mink, rat and other meat that had not been tested for quality and safety, processed it with additives like gelatin and passed it off as lamb.

The meat was sold to farmers' markets in Jiangsu province and Shanghai, it said."

Anyone been to Jiangsu province or Shanghai lately?

[twa]

Vultures Eat French Tourist Killed in Fatal Pyrenees Cliff Plunge

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/articles/464496/20130504/vultures-killed-fatal-cliff-plunge-pyrenees.htm

A campaign against Griffon vultures is gathering pace in France after it was revealed that the carrion eaters had devoured the body of a 52-year-old woman who fell to her death in the Pyrenees.

Major Didier Pericou of the gendarmerie said the woman had fallen down a 300-metre slope while taking a short cut walking with two friends.

"There were only bones, clothes and shoes left," he told The Times.

"They took 45 to 50 minutes to eat the body."

French farmers are now demanding the right to shoot the protected birds after attacks on sheep and cows.

The birds no longer have their diet of carcasses because European health and safety regulations now force breeders to burn dead animals.

The Pyrenees population of Griffon vultures has apparently been affected by an EC ruling that due to danger of BSE transmission, no dead animals must be left on the fields.

This has critically lowered the food availability of the scavenging birds.

Like other vultures, the Griffon is a scavenger, feeding mostly on carcasses of dead animals which it finds by soaring over open areas, often moving in flocks. The maximum lifespan recorded for a specimen kept in captivity is 41.4 years.

Fear of vultures has been growing in recent years. Le Nouvel Observateur reports of 'mutant vultures', with one woman saying that a group of the birds, whose wingspans can exceed seven feet, hovered near to where her children were sitting.

One farmer, Alain Larralde, reported seeing a group of vultures attack and start eating an adult cow. There have also been alleged sightings of live animals being carried off.

[HogNose]

iPotty

For $40 you get a fairly normal-looking, plastic, child-sized toilet with a removable bowl. Which is great for potlucks. But the iPotty also has an adjustable stand specifically made for mounting an iPad so your child can play games and watch videos while learning to make iDoody.

The creator of this product, CTA Digital, recently debuted the iPotty at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, and it's become a popular story on several different websites, primarily because we now have a strong candidate for the most reckless idea ever.

But never mind the fact that most people probably don't want their iPad within 30 feet of a child, much less one who's learning to drop a deuce. Kids probably don't need this much stimulation. Especially on the toilet.

Mind you, I do. But I'm an adult. And it's gonna be a while.

Alas, the primary goal of mounting an iPad within the iPotty is simply to get your kid to actually spend more time on the toilet learning how to properly go. And, perhaps to some parents, if utilizing technology works, so be it. The ends justify the means. All hail the iPotty!

Still, what if this ultimately leads to some weird social conditioning where, even as the child gets older, he simply can't do his business without having expensive electronics right there in front of him -- a serious mental crutch. Sort of like Morgan Freeman's character, Red, from "The Shawshank Redemption," who, after being released from prison, famously couldn't "squeeze a drop" without asking permission.

With the iPotty, a kid gets socially conditioned to hold something shiny with a lithium battery to go to the bathroom. Which could some day turn ugly.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/18/tech/social-media/apparently-this-matters-ipotty

[Poman]

Not really funny, but a bizarre way to die:

Man Crushed By Bowling Pin Machine

Panama City Beach Police are investigating how a man was crushed by a bowling pin machine at Rockit Lanes.

News Channel 7 has learned a family was bowling on lane 7 Sunday afternoon when the pin machine got stuck. According to a worker, the family kept hitting the lane reset button. She looked down and saw an arm hanging out of the machine.

Click on the link for the full article

Wow. I notice my hometown is only ever the news for horrible things. Awesome.

[GhostofSparta]

Racehorse's Paintings Compared to Jackson Pollock

Art collectors are quickly snapping up paintings created by a former racing horse, with some aficionados comparing the works to those of famous abstract expressionists.

The horse artist phenom is Metro Meteor. Before bad knees ended his career on the track, he was considered to be one of the fastest turf sprinters at Belmont and Saratoga. He won eight races and $300,000 in purse money.

Now he’s retired and into painting.

Journalist A.J. Willingham of HLN TV wrote, “If one were an art critic, they might say Metro’s paintings are ‘bold and abstractionist, with hints of Jasper Johns and, of course, a procedural homage to Pollock.’”

http://news.discovery.com/animals/pets/horses-paintings-compared-to-works-by-jasper-johns-jackson-pollock-130506.htm

This article is completely serious, but to me it's hilarious.

[China]

Again, not funny, but bizarre (how do you mistake a 9-year old for a skunk, and he wasn't drunk or on drugs):

Man Who Shot 9-Year-Old Cousin Dressed as Skunk Avoids Jail

You may remember the sad case of Thomas Grant, a Pennsylvania man who last Halloween accidentally shot his 9-year-old cousin with a shotgun after confusing her skunk costume for a real skunk. On Monday, Grant pleaded no contest to charges of reckless endangerment and misdemeanor simple assault and avoided jail time.

The accident occurred last October on Grant's mother's property. Somehow, Grant mistook the nine-year-old girl, who was dressed as a skunk, in a black hat and black shirt with a white tassel running down its middle, for a real skunk, despite the fact that everyone involved was reportedly at a Halloween party.

After the shooting, the girl, who still hasn't been identified, underwent surgery to repair damages to several internal organs and her spine. She still undergoes regular tests for lead poisoning.

Making the accidental shooting even more unbelievable is the fact that toxicology test results revealed that Grant had no drugs or alcohol in his system.

Click on the link for the full article