Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[China]

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/woman-hides-money-in-butt-685432'>Cops: Woman Hid Stolen $5000 In Her Rectum

 

AUGUST 30--A Tennessee woman is hospitalized and facing a criminal charge for allegedly stealing $5000 from her boyfriend, cash she hid in her rectum and unsuccessfully sought to retrieve with a toilet brush and tongs when confronted by the theft victim, police report.

 

Christie Black, 43, swiped the money at the residence she shared with Bobby Gulley, according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report.

 

Gulley told deputies early Tuesday that the cash--in $100 denominations--had been in two envelopes inside a medicine bag that he
placed atop a foosball table. Gulley further explained he did this to “set a trap” for Black, whom he suspected had been stealing from him.

 

After later discovering the cash missing, Gulley, 46, called cops. He also confronted Black, who reportedly “admitted to him she’d wrapped it up and stuck it in her rectum,” investigators noted. She also became ill and “threw up a Saran wrapped baggy of partially dissolved pills.”

 

Click on the link for the full article

Edited September 4, 2013 by China

[pjfootballer]

I wish I had money coming out of my ass.

[China]

Apparently the police in Bennington, VT are afraid of snakes.  They wouldn't even get out of their car:

 

http://www.benningtonbanner.com/localnews/ci_23864895/large-snake-found-loose-elm-street'>Large snake found loose on Elm Street

 

 

BENNINGTON -- Elm Street resident Susan Plaisance had an eventful walk Tuesday evening when a man warned her of a snake in the road just ahead of where she stood with her dog.

She continued walking and witnessed the brown and yellow snake, about 10 feet long, slithering slowly across Elm Street in the direction of the Elk's Lodge.
 

 

"I couldn't believe it," she said. "For a minute it stopped dead in the road. I think maybe it was sick because it was moving very slowly."

With help, Plaisance's daughter, Carly, moved the snake, presumed to be a boa constrictor, into a recycling bin. Then Plaisance, who is an advertising representative for the Banner and the Manchester Journal, called the police.
 

The passerby, Paul Restino, an intensive special needs specialist at Mount Anthony Union Middle School, circled back around to assist.  Restino immediately called his son, telling Plaisance that the police would only call Animal Control to kill the snake and that a similar snake had been reported missing in nearby Putnam.

Upon arrival, police refused to exit their cars, according to Plaisance.

Restino then called his son who wrapped the snake into a blanket and drove away.

There was no word on if the missing snake from Putnam was in fact the snake found by Plaisance.


Click on the link for the full article

Edited September 6, 2013 by China

[China]

VIDEO: Brave motorist lures LION into back of car after it's found wandering streets

 

 

A lion prowling the streets of an upmarket city suburb was lured into the back of a car by a brave motorist.

He trapped the beast inside the vehicle by slamming the door, then jumped inside, too, and phoned police.

 

Click on the link for more

 

[twa]

a Miss America I could get behind

 

Miss Kansas is a deer hunting, tattoo-wearing sergeant in the U.S. Army

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/09/11/miss-kansas-is-deer-hunting-tattoo-wearing-seargent-in-us-army/?intcmp=features#ixzz2ehntziF3

 

Miss Kansas is not in Kansas anymore. And the Miss America pageant has never seen anyone like her.

First off, Miss Kansas Theresa Vail is a sergeant in the U.S. Army, only the second contestant ever to be on active duty.

"Nobody expects a soldier to be a beauty queen," Vail told People magazine. “But I'm all about breaking stereotypes."

Second, Sgt. Vail has big tattoos. Two of them. One, the insignia for the U.S. Army Dental Corps, is on her left shoulder, while a massive version of the Serenity Prayer runs down her right side. And when she struts her stuff in the bikini contest in the Miss America competition this week in Atlantic City, they’ll both be on display for the world to see.

"My whole platform is empowering women to overcome stereotypes and break barriers. What a hypocrite I would be if I covered my ink,” Vail said. “How can I tell other women to be fearless and true to themselves if I can't do the same? I am who I am, tattoos and all."

Sgt. Vail is also an M16 marksman, a bow hunter, and a mechanic.

 

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/09/11/miss-kansas-is-deer-hunting-tattoo-wearing-seargent-in-us-army/?intcmp=features#ixzz2ehp5L7NM

[China]

If you're going to post about a Miss America candidate, you have to at least post a picture.

 

[China]

Flight 666 To HEL Flies On Friday The 13th

 

HELSINKI -- Would you board flight 666 to HEL on Friday the 13th?

For superstitious travelers, that might be tempting fate. But Finnair passengers on AY666 to Helsinki – which has the 3 letter designation HEL – don't seem too bothered. Friday's flight is almost full.

                                   
"It has been quite a joke among the pilots" said veteran Finnair pilot Juha-Pekka Keidasto, who will fly the Airbus A320 from Copenhagen to Helsinki. "I'm not a superstitious man. It's only a coincidence for me."

 

Click on the link for the full article

Edited September 13, 2013 by China

[China]

Man pays $3.5 million for 'unique' goat

 

A businessman in Saudi Arabia bought a goat for about $3.5 million, according to video from geobeats.

The animal reportedly  is a rare breed with "unique features," and prices have been escalating in general for animals and feed, but the purchase has stirred outrage.

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

.....

 

I'm thinking that maybe these are the 'unique features' this guy was so eager to get:

 

Edited September 13, 2013 by China

[China]

Woman Stabs Roommate for Refusing to Stop Listening to The Eagles

 

Police in South Carolina arrested a North Charleston woman Monday night  after she allegedly stabbed her roommate multiple times for refusing to stop playing music by the classic rock band The Eagles.

 

...

 

It's unclear which of the band's songs drove Bader over the edge, but police have narrowed down the possible suspects to "Witchy Woman," "Take It Easy," "Peaceful Easy Feeling," "Take It to the Limit," "One of These Nights," "Tequila Sunrise," and "Hotel California" on repeat.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[mcsluggo]

if there is such a thing as justifiable violence, that defines it.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-vwPuiILBc&feature=player_embedded

 

Edited September 18, 2013 by mcsluggo

[China]

Zimbabwe: Witch Crash-Landing 'Prophet' Arrested

 

POLICE are holding a self-styled prophet after two women were found naked outside his house pretending to be witches who "crash-landed" while flying over a Harare suburb in WINNOWING BASKETS.

 

It was not clear on Monday what Alfred Mupfumbati, 30, would be charged with but police said he would appear in court "soon".

 

Police were called to Mupfumbati's house in Harare's Budiriro 4 suburb shortly after 5AM on September 11 after reports of two naked women carrying winnowing baskets and behaving strangely.

 

Police arrested the two women who identified themselves as Chipo Chakadya and Maria Moyo. They were charged under the country's witchcraft laws, but a magistrate ordered that they undergo a psychiatric examination while remanding them in custody to September 24.

 

...

 

Police investigators say the two women - who were found with a live owl and an assortment of witchcraft-associated paraphernalia including severed baboon hands - are ready to testify that they had been hired by the "prophet" to carry out the hoax after being promised a car.

 

Mupfumbati, say police, wanted to cash-in from the publicity to portray himself as "powerful". He had arranged for the two women to be driven to Harare where they were dropped outside his house at 4AM.

 

A police source said: "His plan was to see people flocking to his so-called shrine - so spiritually powerful witches couldn't fly over it.
It was all a grand set-up."

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Sanford police: 'Scratch and sniff' bandit stole fake hair

 

SANFORD, Fla. —

A woman labeled the 'Scratch and Sniff' bandit is being sought after stealing artificial hair from the Beauty Zone store, said police Friday.

 

...

 

Shannon Cordingly, public information officer for the Sanford Police Department, explained how the woman came to be called the "Scratch and Sniff Bandit."

 

"When you watch the surveillance video, she does a big old scratch down the lower regions of her body area and takes a big old whiff with her nose," said Cordingly.

 

Click on the link for the full article and video

[China]

Locomotive Runs Over Ukrainian Couple Having Sex on Railroad Tracks

 

MOSCOW, September 29 (RIA Novosti) – An attempt to spice up their sexual life went badly wrong for a middle-aged couple in central Ukraine, which was run over by a train when having sex on the railroad tracks, local police said.

 

The woman died on the spot, while the man lost both legs and was hospitalized, the country’s Interior Ministry said on its website.

 

The man and his girlfriend “failed to overcome their natural passion when walking home … and wanted to experience an extreme sensation near the railroad tracks,” the ministry cited the surviving victim as saying.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Cleric: Driving hurts women’s ovaries

 

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia — A Saudi doctor has gone on-air to dismiss claims made by a well-known cleric who caused a stir when he said medical studies show driving affects a woman’s ovaries.

 

In comments aired over the weekend by the privately owned Rotana channel, gynecologist Mohammed Baknah says scientific studies have not proven that driving has adverse effects on women’s reproductive health.

 

He was addressing remarks by Sheik Saleh Saad el-Leheidan who said that women who drive suffer from having the pelvis forced upward. His remarks were published Saturday in an interview with the website el-Sabq.

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

[China]

‘Pregnant’ boy, 2, gives birth to his own parasitic twin

 

Doctors in China were left stunned after discovering a two-year-old boy was carrying an undeveloped foetus inside his stomach.

 

Xiao Feng had to undergo an operation to ‘give birth’ to his own parasitic twin after doctors in Huaxi discovered the foetus.

 

...

 

Doctors say the foetus took up two thirds of Xiao’s stomach, resulting in breathing difficulties for the child.

 

The unborn foetus measured 20cm in width and had also formed a spine and limbs, as well as fingers and toes.

 

Experts believe that the parasitic twin would have killed Xiao if it had been left untreated.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGdN1Ar8zIg

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Chinese tourists told not to pee in pools

 

Chinese authorities have issued tourists with a handbook telling them how to behave when going abroad, including not to urinate in pools.

 

As tourists from China increasingly travel abroad, they have developed a stereotype of "uncivilised behaviour", which Vice Premier Wang Yang said in May "damaged the image of the Chinese people".

 

The image-conscious National Tourism Administration has now published the 64-page Guidebook for Civilised Tourism, including illustrations, aimed at reining in unruly behaviour.

 

Instructions include do not pick your nose in public, leave footprints on public toilet seats or steal life jackets.

 

The rulebook explains that if tourists take the safety device from under their plane seat "if a dangerous situation arises then someone else will not have a life jacket".

 

It also warned travellers to keep their nose-hair neatly trimmed and, if they had to pick their teeth, never to use their fingers.

 

...

 

Several countries, including debt-laden European nations, have eased visa restrictions to attract increasingly affluent Chinese tourists, but reports have also emerged of complaints about etiquette.

 

And the issues also affect tourists travelling closer to home. A woman from mainland China who in February had her son relieve himself in a bottle in a crowded Hong Kong restaurant sparked an outpouring of anger online, with some locals deriding mainlanders as "locusts".

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Spanish judge: Men better drivers than women

 

ZARAGOZA, Spain, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- A Spanish judge ruled a driving school is within its rights to charge female pupils more than male students.

 

Judge Javier Albar of Zaragoza said in his ruling the Spanish Directorate of Traffic's data shows "every single year, men displayed greater dexterity and better open road skills" than female drivers, The Local.es reported Thursday.

 

Driving school Autoescuela Zaragoza had appealed a $5,456 sexual discrimination fine imposed by the local consumer rights group for advertising a 2011 deal offering classes at $907 for men while female students were charged $1,159.

 

The school argued male students required an average five fewer lessons than female students, and therefore should not have to pay the same price.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[twa]

ROTFLMAO  

 

Arizona police officer asked not to wear uniform at daughter’s school

 

 

A police officer who dropped off his daughter at her Phoenix elementary school was asked by the school’s principal not to wear his uniform to the school because other parents were concerned that he was carrying a gun, MyFoxPhoenix.com reported.

Scott Urkov is a police officer for the Coolidge Police Department. The department told him not to comment to media inquiries, but immediately after he received the no-uniform request, he posted on Facebook.

"Nothing like your kids school calling and asking if I could not come to pick up my daughter in uniform cause parents were concerned when their kids came home telling them there was a man at school with a gun, “ he posted. “Are you freaking kidding me?"

His daughter attends Entz Elementary School, which is in the Mesa Unified School District.

A district spokeswoman told the station that "some parents" voiced concern about seeing a fully armed police officer on the school’s campus. The spokeswoman apologized that Urkov perhaps took the discussion the wrong way.

"It was not the intent of the principal to offend him," the spokeswoman said.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/10/03/arizona-police-officer-asked-not-to-wear-uniform-at-daughters-school/

Edited October 5, 2013 by twa

[China]

Lazy postal worker drives on lawn

 

A video of a lazy US postal worker driving across a customer's lawn to deliver a parcel has gone viral.

 

Mark Anderson installed security cameras at his home in LaGrange, Georgia, to check on his disabled mother when he was at work.

 

But while taking a brief look at the CCTV footage, he was shocked to see a US Postal Service van on his lawn.

 

It shows a female postal worker driving right up to his front door, leaving tyre marks on the lawn, before walking to the steps and tossing a small parcel onto the mat.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kRJ0A9nqvo

 

Click on the link for the full article

[Botched]

^ Wow. Driving up to the porch took longer than walking would have.

 

Laziness level: 99

[twa]

You are dead to me,DEAD I say....now shut up

 

You're still legally dead, judge tells Fostoria man

 

http://thecourier.com/Issues/2013/Oct/08/ar_news_100813_story2.asp?d=100813_story2,2013,Oct,08&c=n

 

Donald Eugene Miller Jr. walked out of Han**** County Probate Court on Monday as legally dead as ever.

In 1994, the court ruled that Miller was legally dead, eight years after he disappeared from his Arcadia rental home.

The same judge, Allan Davis, ruled Monday that Miller is still dead, in the eyes of the law. Miller's request for a reversal came well after the three-year legal limit for changing a death ruling, Davis said.

Miller, 61, now of Fostoria, spoke softly in court and offered few details about his past. 

Miller said he was an alcoholic who was unsure what to do after losing his job. 

"My paycheck was being taken away from me and I had nothing left," he said.

"It kind of went further than I ever expected it to," Miller said. "I just kind of took off, ended up in different places," he said.

He said he briefly worked odd jobs in Atlanta and Marathon, Fla., after leaving Han**** County sometime before 1990.

His parents informed him of his "death" upon his return to Ohio in about 2005, he said.

Miller told Judge Davis he neither sought alcohol treatment nor contacted his children in the time after he left.

Miller said he would like to start his life again, or "whatever's left of it." He asked the court to reverse its 1994 death ruling so he can reinstate his canceled Social Security number and driver's license.

The court said no.

[maxiumone]

I wonder if the exchange between the Judge and that guy went something like the Quest for the Holy Grail.

[China]

So my question is what crimes can he get away with because he couldn't possibly have done them since he was dead?

[Bang]

http://deadspin.com/referees-arrested-in-middle-of-football-game-1444319106?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_facebook&utm_source=deadspin_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow
 
Referees arrested in middle of football game.
 
""Well, a referee asked a police officer to move some people back. The police officer moved them back. Another referee came up to the police officer and told him, 'that's not far enough.' The police officer explained....would you please handle the game, referee the game, and we will handle the crowd for you. The second referee told the police officer, nose-to-nose with the police officer, 'you're out of the game...get outta here.' And the police officer said, 'excuse me sir, just referee the game, and we'll handle the crowd.' And he says 'no, get out. Get out now.'"

 

More at link

 

~Bang

[China]

Lobbyists’ lobbying group wants a new name — one that doesn’t mention lobbying

 

The Washington association that lobbies for lobbyists thinks it’s time to change its name and drop the word “lobbyists.”

 

The leaders of the American League of Lobbyists insist that the group is making the move because its business has evolved, and members do lots more than walk the halls of Congress and try to shape legislation. They’re into grassroots organizing and public affairs, and other sorts of politics and advocacy. In short, they’re not just lobbyists anymore.

 

But these savvy professionals also know that reputation matters. And they know that theirs stinks.

 

Click on the link for the full article