Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[China]

Tastes like chicken (or maybe fish)...

 

Indian elephant eats Australian bridesmaid at Thailand wedding

 

An Indian elephant making a surprise appearance at an Australian wedding in Thailand has tried to eat a bridesmaid.

 

The three-year-old elephant, a special guest at the beachside wedding in Phuket, took one look at the Melbourne woman before wrapping its mouth around her head.

 

What a carnivorous elephant may look like

 

Click on the link for the full article

[Riggo-toni]

if he really wanted to eat a bridesmaid, he should've aimed lower.

[twa]

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2013/10/how-to-read-a-research-paper-about-that-scientist-with-a-nematode-in-his-mouth/

[China]

Parking lot pooper popped as he rolls through Indiantown

 

Think your commute is bad?

 

Consider that of Elee Medina, 28, who was spotted Sept. 30 "fidgeting" with his pants near an apparent pile of poop in the parking lot of the Seminole Country Inn in Indiantown.

Medina told Martin County Sheriff's deputies he stops there several times a week, noting "there were no other places to go to the bathroom on his way to work at FPL (Florida Power & Light Co.) from (Green Acres)," according to recently released sheriff's records.

About two weeks earlier, Seminole Country Inn officials asked for an extra patrol in the early morning hours because someone had been defecating in the parking lot "several times a week."

A deputy rolled in the parking lot about 6:20 a.m. and saw a man later identified as Medina. He was "fidgeting" with his trousers and got in his car.

 

"I then observed what appeared to be defecation and wet wipes in a pile on the ground where I previously saw Medina standing," the report states.

 

Medina said he stopped to drink water and rest because of his lengthy commute from Green Acres.

 

"I asked Medina about the defecation and he said he didn't see it until I pointed it out," the report states.

 

Evidently, Medina wasn't able to wipe away the investigator's concerns.

 

The deputy saw an apparent reddish brown spot on Medina's white shirt "which was consistent with the color of the defecation on the ground."

 

Wet wipes on the ground had "A,B,C'"s printed on them -- as did baby wipes in Medina's car.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Toothless man jailed for 8 years for gnawing on neighbour's penis

 

Jason Martin was jailed for eight years for the attack on his former pal Richard Henderson.

 

The 41-year-old was upset after Mr Henderson accused him of "being back on the drugs".

 

The bust-up was sparked by Mr Henderson sending a text to Martin to turn down the noise from his XBox.

 

Martin, from Dover in Kent, was found guilty of wounding with intent to cause serious injury at Canterbury Crown Court.

 

"My willy was not attached to the rest of my body," said Mr Henderson, reports KentOnline.

 

"I have never experienced that kind of pain to this day and I don’t want to experience it ever again."

 

Dad-of-one Martin had denied the horror attack.

 

"I didn’t do that..I am not a gay man in any way," he told a jury.

 

"The thought of putting a man’s penis in my mouth..well it’s not for me.

 

"Not in a million years would I do it!”

 

Photos of Mr Henderson's injury were shown to the court, which also heard how Martin had blood around his mouth when his was interviewed by police.

 

Martin claimed he was bleeding from a "fat lip" he received from a punch.

 

"I have only got a couple of teeth in the lower part of my mouth...I can’t even bite into a hard-boiled egg!” he told the jury.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[pjfootballer]

I used to live in Greenacres, FL.

[China]

What Each Country Leads the World In Map:

 

http://thedoghousediaries.com/large/5414.png

[China]

Broome police charge woman after allegedly catching her driving with man dressed in dinosaur onesie on bonnet

 

Broome police were travelling to Gantheaume Point, Cable Beach about 7.20am when they sighted a white Ford Falcon wagon travelling in the opposite direction.

Police allege the vehicle was travelling at approximately 60km/h with an adult male lying on the bonnet, facing the driver.

Officers stopped the vehicle and located the man still lying on the bonnet, smoking a cigarette, dressed in a dinosaur onesie and wearing a snorkel.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Old Man Arranges to Meet Online Friend at Hotel, Discovers She is His Own Son’s Wife

 

 

On the 22nd, an preposterous incident that leaves people uncertain of whether to laugh or cry happened in Muling city [Heilongjiang province]. 57-year-old man Wang had gone online and gotten to know female netizen “寂寞的花草” [literally, "lonely flowers and plants"]. Upon arranging to meet at a hotel, an awkward incident occurred: The female netizen turned out to be his son’s wife [daughter in law].

 

After Old Wang retired two years ago, he enjoyed going online at home to chat, even giving himself an internet alias of “善解人意” [idiom meaning "good at understanding others"]. Old Wang has a son called “Da Jun” [literally, "big army"] who works throughout the year in long-haul cargo transportation and has over the past 8 years of marriage spent more time away from his wife than with her. Daughter-in-law [Da Jun's wife] Lili is unemployed and stays at home taking care of the son. Every day after taking the son to school, she is at home chatting online, her internet alias being “Lonely Flowers and Plants”. On the night of the 21st, while her son slept, Lili went online and met netizen “Good At Understanding Others”, and the two of them chatted very congenially [got along very well], all the way until 2am the next morning when Old Wang asked to see what “Lonely Flowers and Plants” looks like. Lili cautiously sent over a photo of her good friend, and when Old Wang saw that the woman in the photo was very beautiful, his desire was aroused.

 

...

 

Lili saw “Good at Understanding Others” as natural and unrestrained as well as tall, and was thus very attracted, so arranged to meet him at 6pm sharp in room 403 of a certain Muling city hotel on the 22nd.

 

At that time, because Da Jun had finished delivering his cargo, he rushed home 3 days ahead of schedule from Harbin. His wife wasn’t home and when he called, she said she was at the beauty salon doing her hair. So Da Jun went online, only to discover a problem, that Lili forgot to turn off the computer when she had left, nor did she sign off her QQ [a Chinese instant messaging program], so Da Jun saw the disgustingly romantic chats between his wife and “Good at Understanding Others”, infuriating him. However, he wasn’t about to do nothing and wanted to catch his wife and the other netizen red-handed. So, he called Lili and said he had some cargo that he needed to transport to Mishan city and he wouldn’t be back until the afternoon of the next day. Lili didn’t know it was a ruse, so after she had taken her son to her parents’ home in the evening, she went to the appointed hotel. Lili never expected that when she went to meet her netizen friend, Da Jun was already following her in secret.

 

Lili went upstairs and knocked only to see before her eyes when the door opened her father-in-law. Old Wang was also dumbfounded, how could it be his son’s wife? Embarrassed and ashamed, Lili turned and ran. It was at that moment that Da Jun appeared having followed her. “This was a misunderstanding!” Without waiting for Old Wang to finish explaining to his son, Da Jun flew into a rage from the humiliation and beat his unfaithful father bloody, his wife also losing 3 teeth from being beaten. “I’m out there working my ass off to earn money, half-dead with fatigue, and all the while you two are messing around!” Seeing a war in the hotel hallway, service staff called the police.

 

Click on the link for the full story

[twa]

criminal stupidity 

 

 

District judge resigns in texting case

http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/houston/article/District-judge-resigns-in-texting-case-4913627.php

 

State District Judge Elizabeth E. Coker--who sits on the bench over Trinity, Polk and San Jacinto counties--has resigned under fire in a texting controversy, according to a voluntary agreement with the State Commission on Judicial Conduct.

It stems from complaints and media stories alleging that Coker "had engaged in improper ex parte text communications with Polk County Assistant District Attorney Kaycee Jones while Judge Coker presided" over a criminal trial in August of 2012.

With those complaints, "the commission commenced an investigation into allegations that Judge Coker used Assistant District Attorney Jones to privately communicate information" about the case "to suggest questions for the prosecutor to ask during the trial" among other issues.

The agreement also said the commission looked into other complaints that Coker allegedy engaged in other improper communications and meetings with Jones, other members of the Polk County prosecutor's office, the San Jacinto County District Attorney and certain defense attorneys.

The agreement goes on to say "the parties agree that the allegations of judicial misconduct, if found to be true, could result in disciplinary action against Judge Coker." As a result, the parties sought to resolve the matter "without the time and expense of further disciplinary proceedings."

Coker did not admit any guilt or fault.

Her resignation will take effect Dec. 6 but she will take a voluntary leave of absence until that time and not perform any official duties. Under the agreement, she will be disqualified from sitting or serving as a judge in Texas,

Coker, 46, has been on the 258th bench for 14 years and is the third generation in her family to serve on an East Texas bench. Her father and grandfather also served.

[China]

Man loses severed penis after FORGETTING to take it to hospital to be sewn back on

 

A MAN so depressed at his non-existent love life cut off his own penis - but forgot to take it with him to hospital when he sought treatment.

 

 

Yang Hu was left in agony after severing his manhood from his body, and decided to CYCLE to the hospital to have it re-attached to his body.

 

But rather than prep him for immediate surgery, doctors told him to get on his bike again and go home because he FORGOT to bring it with him.

 

Yang, from Jiaxing, in Zhejiang province, east China, eventually rode home to pick up his penis but doctors hit him with yet more bad news - it had been without blood for too long and was therefore impossible to re-attach.

 

Click on the link for the full article

Edited October 29, 2013 by China

[Riggo-toni]

http://www.kenoshanews.com/news/police_man_in_clown_makeup_dangled_child_from_railroad_overpass_474031842.html

Police: Man in clown makeup dangled child from railroad overpass Published 20 hours ago BY JANINE ANDERSON janderson@kenoshanews

A woman called police after she saw a man in clown makeup dragging screaming children into the woods east of the 4800 block of 13th Court about 2 a.m. Sunday. Police found three people behind a section of tall bushes. Antonio J. Brown, 33, of Kenosha, wearing the clown makeup, was one of them. With him were two children, age 13 and 8. The children were holding each other and crying uncontrollably, according to court records. Police believed Brown to be highly intoxicated.

. The children said Brown, their mother’s boyfriend, had come back from a Halloween party in Racine about 1 a.m. and invited them to go for a walk on the train tracks. They had done that a few weeks before and thought it was fun. But this time, the 13-year-old child told police, Brown was drunk...

[Bang]

http://www.thebeaverton.com/chris-hadfield-ejected-from-movie-theatre-for-loudly-heckling-gravity.htm

 

Canadian Astronaut Evicted From Theater for Heckling "Gravity"
 

WATERLOO, ON – Responding to numerous patron complaints, the staff of the Empire Theatres Waterloo reportedly removed famed Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield after he would not stop heckling a screening of Gravity, the space thriller that has recently dominated the domestic box office.

Eyewitnesses reported that during last night’s 9:15pm Real3D screening of Gravity, a lone man (later identified as retired ISS Commander Chris Hadfield) began muttering under his breath and chuckling to himself. By the 30-minute mark, Hadfield reportedly made numerous rude comments such as, “Nice Soyuz procedure, Hollywood!” and “Oh yeah, because that’s what hypoxia as caused by rapid cabin decompression looks like you idiots!.”

“It was the damndest thing,” recounted Isabelle Tremblay. “My boyfriend and I were like, ‘what a jerk’, and he went back to talk to him. But then he came back to our seats and he was like ‘I’m pretty sure that was that astronaut guy. You know, from the news.’ So we just let him go. I mean, what do you do? An astronaut probably gets George Clooney’s character struggles a little better than I do.”

Hadfield’s alleged berating of the film continued unabated. During one crucial and deathly silent scene involving Sandra Bullock’s character’s desperate attempt to reach her vessel and avoid dying in the void of space, the man who brought honour and fun to Canadian space exploration let out a long, piercing, and altogether perfect fart. 

Eventually, theatre staff was notified, and the Canadian living legend was loudly removed from the cinema. Witnesses report that he did not go quietly. One patron recalled, “The last thing I heard him yelling was, ‘Have you been to space? Because I’ve been to space!’” 

More at link

 

~Bang

[China]

Tenn. lawyer demands to be called 'Captain Justice'

 

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- When prosecutors in Williamson County tried to ban a defense attorney from referring to them as "the government" in court, defense attorney Drew Justice had a demand of his own:

 

From now on, call me "Captain Justice."

 

A war of words broke out in an attempted aggravated burglary case in Williamson County Circuit Court between prosecutors and Justice, who is defending one of two people in the case. In May, fed up with Justice referring to prosecutors as "the government," Assistant District Attorney Tammy Rettig filed a motion to ban Justice from using the term in trial.

 

"The State has noticed in the past few years that it has become commonplace during trials for attorneys for defendants, and especially Mr. Justice, to refer to State's attorneys as 'the Government,' " she wrote in her motion. "The State believes that such a reference is used in a derogatory way and is meant to make the State's attorney seem oppressive and to inflame the jury."

 

Choosing titles

Justice fired off his own motion in response. It included conventional references to case law, the First Amendment — technical stuff that one would expect in a court filing.

 

And then he got creative.

 

If the court sided with Rettig, he demanded his client no longer be referred to as "the Defendant," but instead be called "Mister," "the Citizen Accused" or "that innocent man" — since all defendants are presumed innocent until a judge or jury finds them guilty. As for himself, clearly "lawyer" or "defense attorney" wouldn't do him, well, justice.

 

"Rather, counsel for the Citizen Accused should be referred to primarily as the 'Defender of the Innocent.' … Alternatively, counsel would also accept the designation 'Guardian of the Realm,' " Justice wrote.

 

And since prosecutors are often referred to formally as "General" in court, Justice, in an effort to be flexible, offered up a military title of his own.

"Whenever addressed by name, the name 'Captain Justice' will be appropriate."

 

Gathering steam, he went on to say that even "the defense" wasn't adequate and that "the Resistance" would be far more appropriate.

He then concluded his motion, returning to the formal language of court documents — sort of.

 

"WHEREFORE, Captain Justice, Guardian of the Realm and Leader of the Resistance, primarily asks that the Court deny the State's motion, as lacking legal basis."

 

Click on the link for the full article

[mcsluggo]

Captain Justice sounds like a turd.

[TheGoodBits]

Both the article AND especially the comment linked here are two of the worst stories I've ever read. Quite NSFW due to language, content. https://twitter.com/matthardigree/status/397476535008915457

[pointyfootball]

"Colombian women on 'crossed legs' sex strike over crumbling highway"

 

http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/11/05/21317091-colombian-women-on-crossed-legs-sex-strike-over-crumbling-highway?lite=

 

BOGOTA, Colombia — Sex sells, but no sex? That apparently gets the job done.

 

To ensure that friends and neighbors could commute along a crumbling highway in a timely manner, a group of women in a remote Colombian town decided to cross their legs.

 

The women of Barbacoas made headlines in 2011 by announcing they would refuse to have sex with their husbands and partners to protest the terrible condition of the road. When not closed by frequent flooding and mudslides, the 35-mile stretch could take up to 24 hours to travel.

 

 

Analysis:  Works at my house too. 

[twa]

WHOA! Man Successfully Sues Wife Over Ugly Children - See more at: http://cocoafab.com/man-sues-wife-over-ugly-children/#sthash.yiQ4K9eX.dpuf

 

A Chinese man divorced and then sued his ex-wife for giving birth to what he called an extremely ugly baby girl, the Irish Times reported.

Initially, Jian Feng accused his wife of infidelity, so sure that he could never father an unattractive child.

When a DNA test proved that the baby was his, Feng’s wife came clean on a little secret — before they met, she had undergone about $100,000 worth of cosmetic surgery in South Korea.

Feng sued his ex-wife on the grounds of false pretenses, for not telling him about the plastic surgery and duping him into thinking she was beautiful, The Huffington Post reported.

The kicker? He won. A judge agreed with Feng’s argument and ordered his ex-wife to fork over $120,000.

“I married my wife out of love, but as soon as we had our first daughter, we began having marital issues,” he told the Irish Times. “Our daughter was incredibly ugly, to the point where it horrified me.”

- See more at: http://cocoafab.com/man-sues-wife-over-ugly-children/#sthash.yiQ4K9eX.dpuf

[China]

How lovely for his daughter.  She'll grow up knowing her father is horrified by her.

[twa]

How lovely for his daughter.  She'll grow up knowing her father is horrified by her.

 

maybe he will spend some of that 120K on her like her mom did.

 

she was obviously feeling bad about her looks....both parents seem superficial asses 

[China]

Charles Manson might be getting married

 

Charles Manson, the most notorious killer of the twentieth century, has found himself a lovely young lady who is super-excited to marry him.

 

Rolling Stone has an in-depth feature on Manson coming out in their next issue and Wednesday they dropped the surprising news of Charlie’s engagement. Here he is sporting a new Miley Cyrus haircut with his bride-to-be:

 

 

The young woman is simply named Star, a name Manson gave her. Now 25, she started following Manson’s writing at 19 and moved to be near his prison in 2007. She was initially drawn to his pro-environmental writing, and has recently carved an X into her forehead in apparent solidarity with Charlie’s own swastika marking.

 

“I’ll tell you straight up, Charlie and I are going to get married,” she tells Rolling Stone. “When that will be, we don’t know. But I take it very seriously. Charlie is my husband. Charlie told me to tell you this,” she continues. “We haven’t told anybody about that.”

 

Click on the link for the full article

[Riggo-toni]

Man, sometimes I wish I could've been a serial killer just for all the hot chicks they get...

[China]

Students Running Pro-Soup Platform Win Harvard Class Election

 

If you needed more convincing that young people are either, depending on your outlook, awesome or completely useless and shouldn't have the right to vote, look no further than Harvard's most recent undergraduate election. The winning ticket pledged to resign immediately after learning they won. The school must now organize another election before students go home for the holidays.

 

The Harvard Crimson reports the most recent undergraduate election was won by two kids promising thicker toilet paper and more frequent servings of their favorite soup at school cafeterias. Samuel Clark and Gus Mayopoulos, president-elect and vice-president-elect respectively, earned 155 more votes than the next pair option. Their campaign platforms had some noticeable, significant differences: 

Throughout the campaign, 

Clark and Mayopoulos

 ran on a platform focused on making tomato basil ravioli soup available at all meals and increasing the thickness of toilet paper, emphasizing that their lack of experience on the UC made them more qualified for the positions.

 

Conversely, [the losing tickets] have all spent time on the Council, with both tickets claiming to have the most experience.

“It saddens me to see that despite endorsements of so many student organizations and student leaders, students decided to vote for a ticket touting soup and toilet paper, when Sietse and I were trying to address student needs,”  C.C. Gong, the runner-up, told the Crimson after the results were announced.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Man dials 999 after getting loo roll holder stuck up bum

 

A man was forced to ring 999 after getting a toilet roll holder stuck up his bottom in Newport, South Wales.

 

He was reportedly unable to move and called the emergency services from his mobile phone, reports the Mirror.

 

Firemen came to the rescue when they removed the toilet roll holder before the unidentified man required medical treatment from paramedics.

 

The man was apparently offered "suitable advice" by firemen to avoid getting into a similar situation again.

 

Click on the link for the full article

Edited December 2, 2013 by China

[twa]

Does smoking pot cause man boobs?

http://edition.cnn.com/2013/12/05/health/youn-pot-moobs/index.html

 

Animal studies have shown that exposure to the active ingredient in marijuana can result in a decrease in testosterone levels, a reduction of testicular size, and abnormalities in the form and function of sperm.

 

 

So for now, if you have moobs, it's probably best to put out that joint.