How should I approach someone who is a chronic thief about their problem?

[DeaconTheVillain]

I could type for hours about the entire dramatic situation, but basically someone who is close to me is now in jail for the third time related to robbery/theft.

She was caught stealing clothes from a store on Tuesday and people are so fet up with her behavior (she has more issues than stealing) that no one is gonna bail her out. I was going to try and visit her tomorrow if I can (she hasn't been sentenced yet and I don't know how long they will keep her before letting her go) and trying to talk some sense into her and also just to see where she is at mentally, if she has finally owned up to the fact that she has a huge problem with stealing.

I looked up Kleptomania, and it seems that she doesn't really fit this. I say that only because of the fact that it seems most kelptos steal things that are insignificant (pens, change, keytags etc) while she is stealing for personal gain.

She is a sweet girl when you meet her, but she certainly has a sneaky/shady side that no one would have ever guessed. She has been in my house a lot and I haven't noticed anything stolen/missing so that is good.

But this is the 2nd time in a year she has been in jail for stealing from Mall stores and another incident back in 2008 involved her and another girl setting up and NFL player who was pistol whipped and robbed. She got like conspiracy to commit credit card fraud or something like that. I am positive that she was merely there to benefit and had no part in planning this incident.

I want to help her. Is she help able? I know she needs to realize the problem herself first.

FWIW, I think jail is good for her and I will absolutely not be bailing her out.

[Kosher Ham]

If her issues include drug abuse...it would benefit her by spending some time locked up and then a lot of time with counseling...think boot camp somewhere far from home. Think expensive, but worth the money.

How old is this person ?

Any family issues (not that I think that should be used as an excuse), but some use it for attention.

I always find that straight forward is the best approach in most situations.

' You might not like what I have to say, but it is how I feel about the situation, and you might think it is none of my business, but I care about you enough to tell you face to face what I think about it and what consequences it may bring, including me just shutting you out of my life ' .

Good Luck with it. You could always ask her to steal you some stuff so you can live it up. Just kidding.

EDIT: I have met plenty of people that appear sweet on the surface, but if you pay close attention to people and their behaviors...they aren't too hard to pick out of a crowd.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Good stuff Kosher, yea the straight forward no bs approach is what I was planning on doing. I kinda feel bad for probably hurting her more when im sure she feels like **** and is already in jail with no one to bail her out, but I think it needs to be done.

She is addicted to opiates and benzos as well, so yea drugs are involved in her life. She is 24 and comes from a good loving family

[The 12th Commandment]

Well, that explains the need for money. Unless she's getting them for a specific condition, she's either doc shopping or buying them on the street - both of which are very expensive propositions. Jail detox probably isn't going to work unless she really gets a lengthy sentence. Unfortunately, she is the one who has to want to quit, no one can make her quit long term.

[zoony]

Cut ties with her immediately and don't waste another thought on her

[steveo21]

Cut ties with her immediately and don't waste another thought on her

Listen to Zoony.

You need to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff my friend.

Also the opiates and benzos deal, two of the worst/hardest habits to break.

Really, Listen to Zoony and your life will be better in the long run.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Yea I want to phase her out, but wanted to see if I could try to knock some sense in her first.

I dunno. Just telling her to kick rocks is probably best.

[steveo21]

Sometimes the best way is to just not TALk to them.

If she is in as deep as you say I'm sure she is VERY good at manipulating people.

She could guilt you into keeping her around. i'm sure you have MANY more positive people around you.

Save yourself the unneeded stress.

[Skin'Em84]

Holy crap, wasn't that Jerry Porter that got robbed????

I'd, at most, see if I can get her set up with a good attorney, counselor/therapist, and a halfway house or something.

Point her in the right direction, and then get out. If she figures herself out and fixes everything, she'll find you and thank you. If she doesn't, you don't want to be too close to her when it hits the fan again.

[Bang]

Cut ties with her immediately and don't waste another thought on her

Seconded.

Hate to seem cruel, but you can't save people who don't want saving. Once opiates are involved, you can't do anything anymore.

All they'll do is drag you into their pit.

~Bang

[Dan T.]

Yeah, her involvement in getting someone pistol-whipped and robbed should have sealed it as far as further contact is concerned.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Yeah, her involvement in getting someone pistol-whipped and robbed should have sealed it as far as further contact is concerned.

I learned of this after I had already met her. Trust me, she is a very lonely girl and a big follower. Oh, and she loves to play the victim role all the time. Maybe she has a personality disorder or something.

I've got to tell her that I can't have her in my life, but at the same time I do care for her.

Called the jail and since she not serving a sentence, she hasn't put anyone on her visitation list so I can't see her anyway. Probably better, cuz I have a letter that is just gonna crush her (assuming she is capable of feeling and not a complete sociopath. I think she might even feel emotions more strongly than a lot of people, but she still does **** to burn all her bridges with people)

[Special K]

Agree with everyone saying run away. And fast.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much anyone can do to help these types of addicts. I'm sure her addiction to opiates and other drugs is the driving force behind her theft activity and until she decides she wants to address her addiction, there is nothing you can do. And don't let her sweet demeanor fool you. Addicts are extremely adept at manipulation. IMO, her butt needs to sit in jail for a long time, and hopefully there she will have the opportunity to pursue some serious counseling.

As for you, there is nothing you can say or do to change her path right now. You need to look at her as a liability in your life. Continued association with her is going to bring absolutely ZERO good to your life. If you are a religious person, I'd encourage you to pray for her, but definitely cut off all association with her.

[Koolblue13]

I think we all know I love a good stray and if she's got that cute kind of hotness going, she's probably my type.

However, a thieving junkie who has a habit of burning bridges is a dangerous person to have in your life and if you're extremely nice, supportive and accepting of her flaws, you will be taken advantage of sooner than later.

I have known people just like this and have been taken advantage of myself. Personally, although walking away is the right choice, it's not in me and I would just be blunt and direct. She's going to need to hit rock bottom, jail might have too much structure to make her see the problem, as it can feel like a safe place for some people.

From my experience, there are three possible outcomes for her that I've seen. She gets overwhelmed with love and support, hits up rehab and surrounds herself with overly loving caring people, like family and drops out of any other group of people she knows, possibly becoming obsessed with God. Two, she finds the worth in herself and finds the strength to move far away and rebuild her own life, like it never happened or three, finds a sad sorry comfort somewhere between the system and the gutter.

Sorry man, that's a tough spot for you to be.

[Thiebear]

A sister/daughter you go the boot camp route and try and get her actually in the military, unless their record is blemished too much. Otherwise boot camp type places and inhouse detox.

neice I'd try if she was a favorite, anyone else she will pull you under. (80% of the people go through these phases, most come out the other end, she's a couple years stuck in the tunnel.)

[LadySkinsFan]

Addiction is a very hard habit to break. Serving some time in jail is probably a good thing unless there is a drug intervention sentence and even then it's not a lock. I've seen the heartache up close and personal (child of a GF) and it ended badly.

Some of the problems encountered by addicts, I think, is that they are never really made to pay for consequences of actions. In watching Dr. Phil (yes, I know lame but he does lots of works with addicts) I see how intensive therapy is.

With your friend, until the addiction problem is resolved, the theft problem will not be solved, or she will resort to prostitution. Right now, she's stealing from stores, but if she was involved in any way with setting up a person as a victim of any type of theft, then she has a real problem.

At one time in my life, I needed to change who I was hanging out with and where I was hanging out, and I stopped both cold turkey. I explained to my friends that I was moving in a different direction and wished them well, but it had to be done. This girl sounds like someone you need to not be involved with, because if you do, you will be sucked in for a very long time.

[Slateman]

Intervention and therapy

[SteveFromYellowstone]

Okay I an going to put myself out there and tell everyone that I have been addicted to opiates before (oxymorphone) and its the worst thing I've gone through in my entire life. If you really care about her, she needs you right now. She may not listen at first (took a lot of different ppl to get some sense into me), but be persistent. Addiction to opiates is hell. Your entire life starts to revolve around getting enough money to get high that day. When the withdrawal symptoms start (I shudder thinking about it again), you do not care if you have to steal from your grandmother to get your fix, you will do it.

I'm not saying what she has done is right, but opiate addiction is one of the most powerful addictions I have ever seen. It will change you into a different person. Eventually I started looking at the path I was going down and got out before it was too late. Not all people are so lucky. The answer is never as simple as "walk away". I know if people had abandoned me during my time of need I would have just gone deeper into drugs. If you need to talk more privately, send me a PM as I have much experience with these types of issues.

[DeaconTheVillain]

FWIW, I do understand the addiction aspect as I am in recovery myself.

Its her behavior that bother me so much and we were more than just friends, but I don't love her. I do feel like that if I keep helping her out she will not change at all, she seeks out attention from anywhere she can get it. She is always telling me she loves me and once when she was feeling real low told me that if I wasn't around for her then she would try to OD. Mabye she was all ****ed up for a couple weeks because she has been relapsing and when she is not on anything, she is generally "normal."

[Renegade7]

Sounds like she needs to get her *** kicked, dude.

At 24, maybe she has a chance. People change, it's not unheard of. But she does need a jail/rehab combo. If after that she still doesn't get it, she most likely won't. I say all this because you obviously really care for this person and feel they could possibly change, worth trying. Otherwise, you should've cut her off a long time ago instead of risking her turning on you.

[DeaconTheVillain]

OK update:

She is still in jail and no one will bail her out. I think I am going to get her out tomorrow. She, is not the type of girl who can handle jail. She is a fragile and scared girl. She doesn't have any drugs in her system anymore and has sent me countless letters telling me how much she regrets everything. I will also not hesitate to call the bail bonds and report that she might be a risk to not show up if she gets high or does anything that would indicate she hasn't learned **** from being in jail over 30 days.

Now, when it comes to her court case and sentencing down the road, she may have to go back for a month or two, but she seems to think that since she doesn't have any felonies and that she hasn't been convicted of anything she will get off on time served and probation. IDK really.

I pray that im not setting myself up for disappointment.

[Burgold]

Steel yourself for the worst. Hope for the best.

[LD0506]

Deacon, I'd be prayin' too. Unfortunately, people learn the fine art of manipulation to cover their sins and it takes an awful lot to break that habit. You sound like a good guy, which is why she is appealing to you. She needs a support system of people around her, not as wardens to keep an eye on her but rather as friendly faces to foster change, change in her outlook, in her behavior and in her friends.

Good luck

[DeaconTheVillain]

Damnit....I just wrote soo much more about her and her back round to try and give you all a better picture of her and then it said I had to log in again.....****..hate when that happens.

OK here are the cliff notes:

She grew up in a loving home and her parents are still together. She is pretty, smart, and nice. She was an amazing swimmer and was pre Olympic in high school. She stopped because she said her coach was too hard on her and it was just too much work. She started drinking in college (Christopher-Newport) and that is where the pistol whip incident happened. She only was there and then benefited off of it by receiving a $100 tip from the card that was stolen.

Her brother was deeply into pills (opiates) and got her started on them. He is now clean for over two years. She dropped out (or failed out IDK) of school sophomore year. From there she went on to Tennesse, FL, Seattle, and PA. She was dating a Navy Seal for about 3 years from 20-23 I think and he still speaks very highly of her. After that she went to rehab in FL and got involved with a guy who I think was abusive towards her. IDK really what happened in the 8 months she was with this guy, but she told me to expect a letter explaining everything.

Last Oct. in PA she got caught stealing clothes, perfume, jewelry, from a mall. The same **** she did last month. She explained that she did this because she wants to have nice things and look nice for people because she feels it covers up her flaws. I made her cry by telling her how absolutely insane she is for thinking she could go around store to store stealing and thinking she could get away with it..

---------- Post added May-28th-2012 at 07:36 AM ----------

OK guys talk me out of getting her out now!

---------- Post added May-28th-2012 at 07:40 AM ----------

ok as far as manipulation goes...she won't be able to dope fiend me like she has been able to with others...cuz you can't bull**** a bull****ter

---------- Post added May-28th-2012 at 07:48 AM ----------

I think when I talk to her today, I am going to tell her that she should probably sit in there until late June when her preliminary is scheduled. I want to see what her reaction is when I tell her this because she told me (a couple days ago) that she wants to have a relationship with me and if that means sitting in there until she gets released late June (she will most likely be released then because she will get out on per-trial probation) then thats OK because saving her relationship with me is more important to her than her getting out.

I guess I want to test her by seeing what her reaction is when I tell her that its probably best for her to stay in there until then. If she throws a fit or anything and gets an attitude then I will let her stay in. If she is disappointed, but accepts it, then I will probably surprise her by getting her out tomorrow. What do you all think of this?

[SnyderShrugged]

I had a close friend with a thieving problem too a while back (not for addiction reasons though)

A couple of my other friends and I did a form of intervention on him. We each "stole" an item that was important to him over the course of a few days. We allowed him to get all worked up and then "find" all of the items on a coffee table in a room we were all hanging out in.

It was very tense at first and then he just started to cry and apologize for his problem. He went and sought help immediately after and all has been fine since then.