How should I approach someone who is a chronic thief about their problem?

[Thiebear]

Good luck but remember that no good deed goes unpunished.

Get familiar with all the information online and join some forum where others can tell you all about the psycholigical crap they went through and or what your Liable for, if you don't study you will lose on a technicallity.

[Kosher Ham]

On the update: Did you not read the advice given ?

You seem to be protecting her. There are consequences to choices that we all make.

And one of your lines...'you can't bull**** a bull****ter'...Those people are sometimes the easiest to bull****.

You responding and clearly scheduled to respond can be a negative. There are very few people in life that you always should be there for. Secondary family is on the back burner.

Not that I will forget them, just that they have to understand my priorities are with.

[RichmondRedskin88]

How to approach a thief about their problems? Well for starters not having a wallet on you would be a good idea.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Just spoke to her and told her not to get her hopes up. She obviously got upset and said things like "do you not understand what its like to be in here and not have to be?" Honestly, I don't. Most i've ever done is 24 hours in general pop. and it was more than enough to make me never wanna be in a position to go back.

I brought up how she said that she wants our relationship to work more rather than get out of jail and she sobbed and said "If that's what it takes than, fine."

I told her to call me back later tonight.

[LadySkinsFan]

Sorry, dude, she sounds like she is totally manipulating you to get what she wants, she is saying what she thinks you want to hear, with the goal of getting out of jail. Her gratitude will last as long as it takes for her to disappear. You will be out your pride, the bail money and this girl. Here's a book (one of a few I found on Amazon): Who's Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life by Harriet Braiker A brief synopsis:

"A powerful program to free yourself from manipulators--and regain control of your life

Millions of people, both men and women, can become involved in relationships with manipulators--people who control through emotional manipulation, insults, and mind games. These "toxic" relationships erode self-esteem and make life miserable for the victim. Whether the manipulator is a relative, a spouse or romantic partner, a boss, coworker, or subordinate, or even a trusted friend or advisor, Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, bestselling author of The Disease to Please, shows you how to break this damaging cycle for good.

Who's Pulling Your Strings? will help you end a current destructive relationship, understand how it occurred--and prevent you from ever getting involved in a manipulative relationship again. Using revealing self-assessment quizzes, action plans, and how-to exercises, Dr. Braiker empowers you to:

Recognize the signs of a manipulative relationship

Spot manipulators and their typical ways of operating

Assess your own vulnerability to manipulation

Identify the 7 main "Head Games" manipulators play

Utilize effective resistance tactics against manipulator's efforts

Transform yourself from a "soft" to a "hardened" target

Extricate yourself from manipulative relationships that do not change

Protect yourself from falling prey to manipulators' control in the future

Stop others from pulling your strings once and for all

With insight, compassionate advice, and self-affirming strategies, Dr. Braiker helps you end any manipulative relationship and regain control of your life--starting right now."

I'd read something similar BEFORE you bail this girl out of jail.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Should I get her out, I believe I have the right to revoke the bond and send her back to jail.

[Forehead]

What sort of "relationship" is she insinuating here? I'd be doubly on my guard if she's floating the idea of anything other than platonic friendship. I really don't want to log back in here in a few weeks and see an update from you that she's gone and your bank account is empty or anything like that. Be safe man.

[RichmondRedskin88]

See I'm not sure how to take her "if that's what it takes, fine" comment. See she could be saying that shes willing to do what it takes to show shes cares. Or she could be basically thinking that shes not getting out so I might as well keep someone on the outside close by. Personally I think its the later. You have made it clear you don't plan to bail her out and she has nothing to gain from pushing you away right now. I'd tread carefully with this situation though. Too many times people try to do good and ****ed over for it.

---------- Post added May-28th-2012 at 11:42 AM ----------

Should I get her out, I believe I have the right to revoke the bond and send her back to jail.

Assuming she ain't in Mexico or Canada with your cash by then. Just saying. Be careful man.

[LadySkinsFan]

So what game would you be playing by bailing her out with the threat of bail revocation if she does ... what? What are your terms? Have you spelled them out? What does she have to do to meet your standards, beyond what she has to do with the bail agreement with the court? Can you afford to be out the money if she skips?

Why not just leave her in there, what will it hurt for her to learn a lesson? She's obviously more resilient if she had the nerve to participate in theft from a person. I think she's much more resilient than you think. She's not some poor damsel, she's lived on the streets, she's done whatever to support her habit, and she likes to steal. I'm getting this from what you have written here.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Assuming she ain't in Mexico or Canada with your cash by then. Just saying. Be careful man.

This is not a concern of mine at all. I feel like I may have made her some like some major criminal. She isn't. She isn't capable of pulling anything off. I guess its hard to describe her.

LSF, I mean if she gets high. That would be the main reason to revoke the bond.

[Kosher Ham]

This is not a concern of mine at all. I feel like I may have made her some like some major criminal. She isn't. She isn't capable of pulling anything off. I guess its hard to describe her.

From the title and the following posts made by you in this thread you seem to be in denial.

You said she has been in jail for the same thing...not once, not twice, but now three times. You stated cronic thief, and drug user.

I think that sums up a description pretty concisely.

And yet you still sit there debating about what to do ? Leave her in jail and help her when she gets out. Not with money but love and support.

[Sticksboi05]

---------- Post added May-28th-2012 at 02:45 PM ----------

In all seriousness she needs an intervention.

[Kosher Ham]

I don't think I read your edit in the OP...I was probably thinking of how to ask the questions and how I would deal with the situation... not so sure.

Anyway this part is the worst thing you can do...from this :

FWIW, I think jail is good for her and I will absolutely not be bailing her out.

To this...

I think I am going to get her out tomorrow.

You can't do that with anyone drug user, child, parent, boss, friend, etc.

I say what I mean. For you, always leave yourself an out if you are a flip flopper.

But me personally, I won't ever make an absolute to ANYONE without knowing I can, will, and want to do it.

[SWFLSkins]

Cut ties with her immediately and don't waste another thought on her

Listen to Zoony.

You need to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff my friend.

Also the opiates and benzos deal, two of the worst/hardest habits to break.

Really, Listen to Zoony and your life will be better in the long run.

Yea I want to phase her out, but wanted to see if I could try to knock some sense in her first.

I dunno. Just telling her to kick rocks is probably best.

Write a goodbye letter and say what you feel you have to say to let go. You are not going to change this person, but you can work on yourself. Writing a letter lets you read it when your done and make sure you say and it has the feel that you want. It is admirable that you are trying, however change must come from within. She can only hurt you at this point and is going to say or do anything anyone will listen to, to get what she wants. She has to learn a hard lesson here if possible at all, there is no easy way to get over this. Now you may write this letter and decide not to send it, the exercise is still good for you, you can also run it by another person you trust to see what they think.

In the end don't expect much and you may get surprised. All in all though I would not recommend personal contact, you can be manipulated and she can't. She has proven that.

[LadySkinsFan]

The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave my daughter in juvenile detention for a weekend when she was 15. The police were ready to release her to me and I said no, she's your problem now, she won't listen to me. Upshot was 12 months supervised probation while she was still a minor. And I could have gotten her off entirely, at least according to the lawyer I paid for. BTW, I made my daughter pay me back every cent or work it off that I had to shell out for lawyer, parking, my time off from work and anything else I could think of to make it painful for her. She was a minor and I figured this was the first and last chance to make a lasting impression of what the system will do if one runs afoul of it, and she wouldn't have an adult record. Luckily it worked and she hasn't been in trouble since.

This woman you are having feelings for and want to bail out is an adult, with an adult record, and with adult ways of getting what she wants, and she's had a lot of practice. Of course you can do what you want, and good luck to you whatever you decide. But I think you are getting some pretty good, consistent advice.

[DC9]

Unfortunately people like this need to hit rock bottom before they come around. If you offer a hand, they'll take advantage of you until they run out of favors from you and then it's on to the next person. I've had one of these in my family, and it's not fun and it takes years, unfortunately.

Stay strong and good luck.

[DeaconTheVillain]

O.K. made a very very tough decision. Her mother, who loves her very much, called me and its the first time I have ever spoke with her. She pretty much told me a lot about her past, some I already knew, some I didn't and said that getting her out would (as you all have said or implied) end in disaster.

I will not be getting her out. I wouldn't be able to deal with the disappointment if she ****ed up again.

---------- Post added May-28th-2012 at 08:43 PM ----------

Appreciate the honest replies from everyone.

She will get out eventually (maybe in a month) and then it won't be anything on me if she screws up her life even more. I feel a bit of relief by not getting her out.

[SWFLSkins]

Your decision to not do anything right now may have been the best thing you could have done for her.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Your decision to not do anything right now may have been the best thing you could have done for her.

Yes, hopefully. And for myself.

[Thiebear]

If you plan to step in a 'any' time you should seriously do some HEAVY reading on the subject at hand and I can't stress this enough:

Know what your doing, Know what she is doing, Know what the authorities are doing, understand the next steps available.

If she gets treatment, if she doesn't, what is likely to happen short/long term.

If you step back you can be a spectator.

if you step forward you better be an expert.

[Chump Bailey]

I hope she has some support because she will have a very, very hard time finding a job with her record. Theft convictions are going to kill her employment chances. A job might help turn things around, but someone will have to pull serious strings for that to happen.

[renaissance]

I hope she has some support because she will have a very, very hard time finding a job with her record. Theft convictions are going to kill her employment chances. A job might help turn things around, but someone will have to pull serious strings for that to happen.

Someone will hire her. Will probably be a **** job, but that's better than no job and you have to start somewhere.

[SWFLSkins]

I hope she has some support because she will have a very, very hard time finding a job with her record. Theft convictions are going to kill her employment chances. A job might help turn things around, but someone will have to pull serious strings for that to happen.

She could easily qualify for a job in government procurement, sounds like she has all the qualifications.

[Lombardi's_kid_brother]

Cut ties with her immediately and don't waste another thought on her

Yep.

Don't be so vain as to think that you can "save" someone. You can't. There is a greater chance they will destroy you than you save them.

---------- Post added May-29th-2012 at 06:03 PM ----------

I brought up how she said that she wants our relationship to work more rather than get out of jail and she sobbed and said "If that's what it takes than, fine."

I told her to call me back later tonight.

Oh, Christ, you are in way too deep, dude.

This is the definition of a co-dependent relationship.

[DeaconTheVillain]

Yep.

Don't be so vain as to think that you can "save" someone. You can't. There is a greater chance they will destroy you than you save them.

---------- Post added May-29th-2012 at 06:03 PM ----------

Oh' date=' Christ, you are in way too deep, dude.

This is the definition of a co-dependent relationship.[/quote']

Well, I disagree.

I am not putting the her mess on my shoulders and she is going to sit there until the state decides she is done. She isn't getting any money from me. I told her that I would write her and visit her if she wanted me to.

Did I think about getting her out in hopes that she would have learned after a month? Absolutely. But now that I have made this decision, I know it is the right one. At least its best for me and what she does from here on out is up to her.