The Top 10 Ways to Drive Like a Jackass

[China]

The Top 10 Ways to Drive Like a Jackass

It’s no secret that we here in the United States love our cars. As a result, you quickly learn the fine nuances of driving etiquette – what to do and what not to do. Well… some of us learned these skills, but there always seems to be that other guy on the road who appears so lost in his or her own self-importance that they drive like they’re the only people on the road.

10. The “Hurry Up and Stop” Driver

You may be late for that colonic appointment, but burying the throttle block to block only to slam on the brakes at the next red light 300 yards down the road is going to get you there at exactly the same time as the guy next to you that chose to just cruise the whole way.

The main difference is that you used about twice as much gas, made other drivers feel like they had to avoid being anywhere near you – because who knows what you’re going to pull to shave milliseconds off that travel time – and got to sit at the light looking stupid as the rest of the pack casually pulled to the line.

9. The “Everyone Needs to Hear My Music!” Driver

Dude, congrats on buying the new Fergie single – I don’t care. At all. It doesn’t matter who you are – if you’re driving around with all the windows down specifically so that whatever you’re listening to can be “enjoyed” by everyone within in a five block radius – your keys need to be thrown down the sewer.

I’m at a loss as to the appeal of this, and it’s truly one of the most passively narcissistic things you can do while driving. And trust me on this one: the sound of everything from the windows to the license plate in your Civic rattling themselves to pieces is definitely not boosting your cool factor.

8. Honking at Someone Attempting to Make an Unprotected Left Turn

These people need to be shot. I can’t count the number of times someone has done this to me, apparently so impatient that they think they have a better grasp of the situation than I do. And this is despite their vantage point - the back of my car. It’s only after the fact that these people realize that, had I obliged their demand, I would’ve been immediately t-boned by on coming traffic due to their desire to turn left as soon as possible.

Are they so self-absorbed that they need to put other people’s lives in jeopardy to save eight seconds of time? Do us all a favor and opt out of the gene pool.

7. Super Ultra Mega Bright Headlights

So payday comes and what’s the first thing a jackass truck “enthusiast” does? Well, he hits Pep Boys for a set of the cheapest looking and brightest aftermarket “high intensity” headlights for the ‘ol 2x4. Course, since his truck is already above most other vehicles on the road, those super bright lights are already pretty unnecessary.

Word to the wise, lifted truck guy – everyone on the road really does hate you. Why? Because your blinding lights are beyond annoying – you might as well have a horn that just belts out “I’m a douchebag!” because that’s basically what you’re accomplishing with those knock off Xenon bulbs.

6. Riding the Brakes

A particularly bad perpetrator of this offense can be as obnoxious as a chorus of fingernails on a chalkboard. These people just need to relax, switch to decaf – whatever it takes to avoid hitting the brakes every time a synapse goes awry in their skull.

The worst cases are people who have nothing but well-lit open road ahead of them and inexplicably hit the brakes at random – how do these people get licenses in the first place? If you’re that timid about the ramifications of driving in general, you should probably stick to public transit.

5. Being Territorial About “Your” Lane

This phenomenon is truly rampant on the west coat: you’re at speed, you have room to change lanes, but the second you hit your turn signal to indicate that you’re changing into someone’s lane, they actually accelerate to block you from doing so.

Are you kidding me? Is protecting “your” lane from other people is so important you’d be willing to cause an accident to do so? Truly ridiculous.

4. Randomly Changing Lanes in Pursuit of Magical “Super Lane”

This baffles me. You’ll be in heavy traffic traveling at say, 30 mph, with random stop and go periods. The freeway is congested, there’s nothing you can really do about it. But this guy in the Bimmer didn’t get the message. He’s late for golf, so he’s on a mission to find that one mythical lane where everyone is going 120mph. If he threads through traffic causing everyone around him to freak out and make traffic worse, he thinks he may find it!

As it turns out, when you’re stopped right next to him 200 yards up the road, he finally realizes that all that effort was completely and utterly pointless because there is no friggin’ magical lane. Oh wait, he still didn’t get the hint. Relax, jackass!

3. Talking on a Cell Phone While Driving

Alright, we’ve all been guilty of this one at one time or another. But the truth is, it is distracting and people who drive with a cell phone constantly pressed to their face are the worst drivers on the road. Is the conversation that vital?

There’s a reason why they banned driving while using a cell phone without a hands free device – it’s because it impairs your driving as badly as being drunk does. Not that the law did much good - I still see absent-minded jackasses gabbing away while driving around as much as ever. Just remember this dramatic re-enactment the next time you have an urge to reach for your phone.

2. Stopping All Traffic in Your Lane to Cut in Line

These people need to be beaten to death with bags full of Master locks. This is the boldest expression of selfishness anyone can hope to execute in a vehicle. Not only are you telling everyone, “Hey, I’m so special, I shouldn’t have to wait in line like the rest of you peasants, I’m important!” you’re also blocking everyone behind you and creating a dangerous situation.

Of course, some instances get a pass if the situation was caused by a mistake, but I see this happen every single day at specific spots where some drivers think they should be exempt from lines. These people are truly the scum of the Earth, and I honestly believe this kind of behavior says a lot more about the person driving that just the fact that they don’t want to wait in line.

1. Cutting People off in Traffic

I mean, if you do this on the regular, you’re a dick and you already know it. Seriously, how hard is it to merge into a lane behind someone? It’s not like it’s an industry secret or something – don’t cut people off! Above all other habits of bad driving, this is probably the biggest factor in cases of road rage.

Part of the problem with the road systems in general is that one moron can ruin it for everyone, and when you share the freeway with all types of people, morons are probably going to ruin it sooner or later, and then we all have to suffer for their self-centered driving habits. Just keep this vigilante bus driver in mind the next time you feel like getting clever.

Click on the link for images and videos

[Mickalino]

Did you write this, yourself, China, based on your own expertise on the subject ?

[TheLongshot]

2. Stopping All Traffic in Your Lane to Cut in Line

These people need to be beaten to death with bags full of Master locks. This is the boldest expression of selfishness anyone can hope to execute in a vehicle. Not only are you telling everyone, “Hey, I’m so special, I shouldn’t have to wait in line like the rest of you peasants, I’m important!” you’re also blocking everyone behind you and creating a dangerous situation.

Of course, some instances get a pass if the situation was caused by a mistake, but I see this happen every single day at specific spots where some drivers think they should be exempt from lines. These people are truly the scum of the Earth, and I honestly believe this kind of behavior says a lot more about the person driving that just the fact that they don’t want to wait in line.

To be honest, I think this situation happens by accident more often than not, often when you don't realise a lane is an exit lane or is going someplace you don't want to go.

Jason

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

Guilty of 10 when I'm working. I don't know. I floor it and many times I make the next light while those behind me don't. I think it cuts off a good 3 to 4 minutes off my delivery time. At times. I do feel stupid though when I don't make the next light. But **** it.

Been guilty of 9. Hey I was a kid once.

Guilty of 5 when it's an 18-wheeler trying to get into my lane. I'm not trying to be behind them.

Been guilty of 4. I'm a believer that you can indead work your way through traffic. It's a massive headache but sometimes you gotta be somewhere. (95% of the time though I'm just riding it out like everyone else.)

And finally, most certainly a repeat offender of number 3. I don't feel like it effects my driving though. Can't say the same for most and it definitely belongs on the list. What ****s me up is when I text while a drive.

Now of the ones that drive me crazy, obviously 1 but also number 6. I would put that much higher on the list. Defnitely at 2 and possibly at 1. DON'T STEP ON THE ****ING BRAKES TO JUST STEP ON THE BRAKES!!! It's not that complicated. The worst is when it's some tiny-dicked douchebag in a Hummer or other SUV riding the brake and you can't see in front of them so you have no idea what's going on. Just die. Please.

[Obibyn23]

What? No Confederate sticker/flag/license plate/wheel mats makes you drive like a jackass?

[desioreo87]

What? No Confederate sticker/flag/license plate/wheel mats makes you drive like a jackass?

sarcasm or not, that should be added.

Doesn't really matter that it symbolizes the 'glorious south' or 'southern pride'.

It also symbolizes the worst oppression in the history of our country, save for massacaring of native americans and stealing their land and what not.

But yea, im always guilty of #9 beacuse i love doing that, especially with heavy metal.

And lets face it, you can't listen to heavy metal quietly, the volume has to be turned up.

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

sarcasm or not, that should be added.

Doesn't really matter that it symbolizes the 'glorious south' or 'southern pride'.

It also symbolizes the worst oppression in the history of our country, save for massacaring of native americans and stealing their land and what not.

There is this dude around my way that I always see that flys two HUGE confederate flags on the back of his pickup truck. Like real flags, flapping in the wind and everything.

It's funny to see people's faces when he drives by them. People of all races.

I guess some just don't care about looking like a total tool.

[Spaceman Spiff]

Not on the list is the ******* who won't let you into his lane. I can understand that if you're actually coming up in the left lane pretty fast and don't let anyone over...but not the ******* who just sits there and won't let you in.

I was driving on Rt 7 last week and needed to make a left turn in about a mile and a half. Traffic was pretty thick and I was in the right lane.

So there's enough space for me to squeeze into the left lane and I give the dude plenty of warning that I'm coming over, he saw my signal and proceeded give me absolutely no room to get in, but I did anyway.

Then I pull into my turn lane and he goes flying past me, giving me the finger.

Look ****tard, I wasn't trying to get ahead of you for ****s and giggles.

The other one thats not listed that I also hate is the cousin of #8, the idiot who slows down while making the left turn. You'll be behind him, turning too and they decide it's a brilliant idea to slow down or even STOP when they turn into the parking lot/cross street, leaving YOU to be T-boned by oncoming traffic.

[redskins4life234]

Number 9 is a passion of mine, but not in the sense of, hey im listening to Jack Johnson lets blast it. I have a certain playlist, and its really bad songs, girly songs, or kid songs. And I usually blast a redlight when wiht friends, and we just go crazy, and everyone around us usually seems to enjoy it more and laugh, than get annoyed.

If I saw everyone everytime got annoyed I prob wouldn't do it, but because I see more people enjoy it, and the point of it is to entertain people, and just for laughs, its just too good not to.

[AsburySkinsFan]

#11 people who put "Baby on Board" signs on their car windows (yes they are back), look people we have kids too and trust me I didn't want to slam into you even before I saw that said you had your offspring in the car.

#12 Tailgaters, look dude I get that you're in a hurry, but unless you want my trailer hitch to puncture your radiator I suggest backing up at least a second or so behind me, or I may just decide to test your reflexes.

#13 the guy who in traffic decides that the "don't block intersection" sign doesn't apply to him. 'nuff said.

#14 Mr. I'm doing the speed limit in the fast lane, and won't move. BTW, sir, we all want to run you off the road into the ditch.

[10fttall]

I've been amazed having just recently moved to New York. After a few months, I still shake my head over the dumb **** these people do. Cutting people off is practically an act of kindness. If they want to switch lanes and you're beside them, you'd better brake hard or get out of the lane because they're coming over wether you move or not.

If traffic is barely moving and there's a merging entrance ramp, It's no problem to move out and advance yourself 10 carlengths then get back in. It's blatent, and these bozos accept it and readily let the arrogant SOB back in. Same thing when a lane ends. In VA, there would be the random A-hole that drove on the side to the front of the merge, but here you've got a flood of people that come in half a mile past the natural merge point.

At the red light and don't feel like being 5th in line? No problem, as long as the (one lane) is physically big enough, you can just drive right to the front beside everybody else waiting, and expect to be let back in before the lane becomes too narrow for 2 abreast. It's taken as a right. They let each other do it. I was millimeters from a crash because I refused to let the line jumper in front of me and he came over anyway.

I just hope these dudes go visit a real state sometime. A lot of the fools wouldn't last a week before somebody dragged them out of the car and knocked some sense into them.

[IONTOP]

I'm guilty of #10 and #5

10 because that's just the way I drive... I don't mind gas prices...

5 well not like they explain it... but if someone decides that instead of driving in their lane, they want to creep over into my lane, I'll cut the wheel and drive VERY close to the striped line so that they can't... Hell, I mean I should be able to use the whole lane, they have the same amount of room as me... (by the way... this FREAKS out those drivers... they slow down and stay in their lane from then on... ) The only time I'll accelerate is when I can sense the person is going to get into my lane, but doesn't have their turn signal on... I hate people who don't use their turn signals...

[ejay183]

Yeah, fools who dont use turn signals in traffic should be added to the list.

[Obibyn23]

sarcasm or not, that should be added.

No sarcasm. None at all. Those guys are the true bonafide jack of all jackasses

[GibbsFactor]

"6. Riding the Brakes

A particularly bad perpetrator of this offense can be as obnoxious as a chorus of fingernails on a chalkboard. These people just need to relax, switch to decaf – whatever it takes to avoid hitting the brakes every time a synapse goes awry in their skull.

The worst cases are people who have nothing but well-lit open road ahead of them and inexplicably hit the brakes at random – how do these people get licenses in the first place? If you’re that timid about the ramifications of driving in general, you should probably stick to public transit."

This #2 and #1 are the plagues of DC traffic.

[Dictator]

And finally, most certainly a repeat offender of number 3. I don't feel like it effects my driving though. Can't say the same for most and it definitely belongs on the list.

Of course, "most" probably feel the same way.

[Larry]

1) When at a "smart" traffic light, (one which adjusts it's timing based on sensors built into the road), and the light for your lane turns green, intentionally allow a gap of four car lengths to open in front of you. This will cause the sensor in the road to report that there are no more cars waiting to, say, make a left turn. (Despite the 40 cars that are waiting, behind you.) This, in turn, will cause the computer making the decisions to change the green light to yellow. Once the light turns yellow, the computer will then ignore the sensor.

Once the light changes to yellow, (which you caused by your intentionally opening a gap in front of you), accelerate to the front of the lane.

When you reach the sensor, then get on your brakes, and slow back down to "car wash speed", until the light changes to red.

Proceed through the intersection on the red light, leaving the 40 people behind you to wait through another full cycle of the light for their chance to proceed through the intersection.

[dwbiggs]

The Top 10 Ways to Drive Like a Jackass

DC area drivers wrote the book.

[Larry]

DC area drivers wrote the book.

Actually, I remember a long time ago, when I was an Engineering major at GWU. In the Engineer's Lounge, they had a copy of a magazine catering to Civil Engineers. And that magazine had an article about the specifications that Interstate Highways were required by law to meet (if they wanted federal funding), but that were actually being ignored.

They listed 10 highway safety features that builders weren't following.

They said, in the first paragraph of the article, that the intent of the article wasn't to point fingers at any particular state or region, therefore, although they were providing photographs of places that didn't meet the specs, to illustrate the 10 rules that weren't being followed, they intentionally weren't mentioning where the 10 places were, because they were typical hazards which were occurring in lots of places.

The article had 10 photos, illustrating places that violated their 10 most ignored rules.

9 of the 10 photographs were from I-95, between Springfield and the Pentagon.

[China]

1) When at a "smart" traffic light, (one which adjusts it's timing based on sensors built into the road), and the light for your lane turns green, intentionally allow a gap of four car lengths to open in front of you. This will cause the sensor in the road to report that there are no more cars waiting to, say, make a left turn. (Despite the 40 cars that are waiting, behind you.) This, in turn, will cause the computer making the decisions to change the green light to yellow. Once the light turns yellow, the computer will then ignore the sensor.

Once the light changes to yellow, (which you caused by your intentionally opening a gap in front of you), accelerate to the front of the lane.

When you reach the sensor, then get on your brakes, and slow back down to "car wash speed", until the light changes to red.

Proceed through the intersection on the red light, leaving the 40 people behind you to wait through another full cycle of the light for their chance to proceed through the intersection.

So that was you. :cuss:

[pjfootballer]

I love all the people who claim that talking on the cell and driving doesn't impair "their" driving. Of course all you idiots on the phone will say that. Will anyone really admit, "hey I'm a hazard on the road like a drunk driver with my phone." Of course not. But no matter how many of you say you can do both, I say B******! That's poop of a cow.

[Larry]

So that was you. :cuss:

I knew it was you behind me.

[kameuh]

16) People that turn onto the road you are traveling on, even though there are zero cars behind you, right in front of you. Then proceed to do 20 mph below the speed you were traveling. Typically blue hairs.

It's a combo cut off/brake riding.. infuriates me to no end.

As for the confederate flag, lots of people have ignorant stickers/accessories on their vehicles and their political/bad joke items doesn't make them bad drivers. Doing stupid **** makes them bad drivers.

[shk75]

Driving in the left lane at the EXACT same speed as the person in the right lane thus making it impossible for anyone to pass anyone.

[Thiebear]

1a: Off Ramp/On Ramp drivers: They drive down the off ramp, then back up the on ramp to get 1/2 mile further up. OR, those that jump into the merge lane to drive up 600yds and get back in.

4 lane changer: They have been driving the same road for 15years, but drive down the left lane till the last second and cut across the highway to their exit in the last 500 feet.