Why do so many Americans lack even the slightest amount of empathy?

[SteveFromYellowstone]

Youngchew that post really hits home for me, it illustrates a lot of what I feel. I have a friend who is an on again off again opiate addict. He can be a bit abrasive but he's got a good heart. I used to have no idea why he acted out the way he did but in the end it all made sense. His mother was a crack addict and his dad sold drugs when he was young. His mother ended up dying and his father remarried and they started to take in foster children. One of the boys they took in was a teenager and he sexually assaulted my friend and forced him to perform sexual acts for the entire time he lived there. He never talked about it because it made him feel like less of a man. Hes 23 now and he dated this girl for 4 years and sometimes when they got into huge fights she would bring up his rape and make fun of him. I can't imagine how damaging something like that would be.

 

Now if you met him on the street and saw him high or acting nutty you might think "oh just another stupid junkie" but that's absolutely the wrong attitude to take. I don't even want to think about what my life would be like if I had grown up with the childhood he did. I'm not saying all addicts are saints and powerless to change themselves but this kind of story happens more often than you'd think. 

[Tulane Skins Fan]

I feel like I see this every single day. If it doesn't happen to them, their child, or a person they are very close with, it becomes very difficult for them to empathize.

 

For example even on this forum I see people talk about users and addicts as scum of the earth who should just die and get it over with. I guarantee you if their child became addicted to prescription opiates they would all of a sudden grow a huge amount of understanding and sympathy. Hell I've seen it happen more than once.

 

I always try to put myself in someone else shoes and consider their pov to try and understand their position of argument. I'd say a good amount of people I know don't want to try to understand the plights of others. I think an empathy gap is at the root of many of our political problems.

 

We see it time and time against where a republican politician is stridently anti-gay and says they are all going to hell until of course their child comes out and then they are Mr. Tolerance. I've met people that bash universal care over and over until they are forced to pay a $5000 medical bill for an xray and some aspirin. I'm not saying this is a strictly conservative problem but it seems to happen with them more often.

 

Are humans just naturally selfish? What makes it so hard for some people to even imagine being in someone's shoes other than their own? Am I crazy or does someone understand what I mean?

 

I see this everyday in jury trials.  99% of you probably think that juries are naturally sympathetic to injured people, not so.  I would say more like 99% of people are skeptical of other people's pain, and ALSO angry that someone else may "profit" off of an injury.  No one thinks "hey, I actually have it better than this paralyzed guy over there."  Instead, they think "why should he get money when I have all of my problems."  

 

Its quite real.

[KingGibbs]

I have a brother that has been an addict since he was 15. He's 44 now. There were moments that I just wanted to ring his neck because of the pain he was causing to the family and most importantly his son. I just could never grasp why someone would continue to do something so damn selfish and that's exactly what it is, selfish.

 

I practically disowned him for a few years and actually prayed to the Lord that he take him from this earth if he was going to continue the path he was on. It would have been a relief for the family at the time. I could go into so much detail as to why we felt that way, but it would take up to much bandwidth.

 

Fast forward. He has now been clean for three years now. During that three years he worked odd jobs, but two months ago through connections I have I was able to get him a full-time great paying job and he is already on his way to becoming a Foreman. It made me feel proud to help him get back on his feet, but the question "Will he stay clean" will always be there.

 

The moral of this story? Yeah, I do empathize, but for the addicts family members. I DO NOT empathize for the addicts because as mentioned before, it's a selfish act. Not only are they addicts, but they become pathological liars, they steal, they destroy families and so on and so on.

 

Like I've always said. An addict is sober before they stick that needle in their arm, put their lips to that bottle, etc. That one moment of soberness and clarity should be enough for them to realize that they are hurting their loved ones, but they simply just don't give a **** about anybody else, but themselves.

 

Again, I empathize for the people that deserve empathy.

[Elessar78]

One line of thinking says that we're conditioned to lack empathy since everything is catered to the individual. "Have it your way." "The customer is always right." "You're the architect of your dreams" "I built it" "Self-actualization" "Do it yourself" "An Army of One" 

 

If an individual is sick/hungry/broke/unloved then he/she must not have had enough willpower to get out of their rut. And the self-help culture makes it seem like it's all within one's power to fix whatever is wrong. 

 

Even if an individual isn't "broken", there's a great lack of appreciation for the role others have played in getting where you are: parents, grandparents, teachers, mentors, coaches, bus drivers, crossing guards,  . . . you know society at large. 

 

Plus we live in a largely a-literate society. No one reads anymore so everyone's insight into the human condition is from tv. On the better end you get the high quality drama but at it's worst and most prevalent are talk shows and reality shows. 

 

Those memes about first world problems, satirically but accurately capture why we have difficulty with empathy. People, myself included, get pissy that Cinnamon Toast Crunch, for all it's delicious goodness, cuts the roof of my mouth when I eat it. 

[sherrardsd]

Like I've always said. An addict is sober before they stick that needle in their arm, put their lips to that bottle, etc. That one moment of soberness and clarity should be enough for them to realize that they are hurting their loved ones, but they simply just don't give a **** about anybody else, but themselves.

 

 

You could argue they aren't totally "sober" if they have a physical addiction to whatever it is they are addicted to. It's not just about what they want to do and what the emotions involved are when there is a physical dependence.

 

Also isn't it better to just have the view that everyone "deserves" empathy? I think operating from the basis of who "deserves" what in life is troublesome with very few exceptions.

[Larry]

I have to say that I think there's been a deliberate attempt to fight sympathy for lower people. 

 

The notion that everybody on welfare is a cheat, that people working minimum wage are lazy, that lawsuit plaintiffs are running a scam. 

 

These mental images aren't based on some element of our collective personalities.  (Well, at least not wholly.)  They were intentionally manufactured and constructed thought patterns.  Constructed specifically to fight the tendency to feel sympathy for those groups. 

 

I find myself prone to it.  Panhandlers approach me in a parking lot, and I get mad at them. 

 

I assume that the sob story they're about to tell me is a lie.  That they really want the money for drugs, or some such. 

 

And then the thought occurs to me that well, the sob story might be a lie, but they're poor enough that they've been reduced to wandering parking lots telling a sob story, so what difference does it make if the sob story is true or not? 

 

So, some times, I give them money.  And, when I do, I'm still mad. 

[nonniey]

Go volunteer.  I thought this was a lefty board.  Volunteer at Childrens Hospital in DC, you will get your empathy back.  Stop sitting at home wallowing in self worth.  Get out and support those in need.

It is a lefty board so you're wasting your breath with this suggestion. Statistically, volunteering and charity is something liberals don't do, they leave that to conservatives.

[balki1867]

If people want to call my buddy Brandon a weak person, and feel no pity for him as "he did it to himself, he made the conscious decision to become an addict" so be it.  But you're a fool, IMO, if you don't believe life pretty much pooped on him from birth.  I realize that there are people who have been through a lot and chose not to turn to drugs, but we all cope differently.  Until somebody has lived in their shoes, or even heard their story, I don't feel as though anybody has the right to judge someone with drug problems.

 

That was an awesome post youngchew.  I do get the impression that a lot of people in this country have no concept of what real adversity is, so they can't see how fortunately they've lived.  

 

I know a lot of people who would read a story like that and say something completely inane like, "that's when you get tough and resolve even more to rise out of the situation." So many people actually believe that, and it's idiotic on so many levels.

[Barney B]

It is a lefty board so you're wasting your breath with this suggestion. Statistically, volunteering and charity is something liberals don't do, they leave that to conservatives.

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2148033

At the individual level, the large bivariate relationship between giving and conservatism vanishes after adjusting for differences in income and religiosity. At the state level, we find no evidence of a relationship between charitable giving and Republican presidential voteshare. Finally, we show that any remaining differences in giving are an artifact of Republicans' greater propensity to give to religious causes, particularly their own church. Taken together, our results counter the notion that political conservatives compensate for their opposition to governmental intervention by supporting private charities.

[Going Commando]

I'm trying to remember a line from The Death of Ivan Ilyich that I was struck by way back in high school. The main character attends a funeral for a colleague and he and everyone else feel the universal sentiment in such situations: "Thank God it didn't happen to me."

Personally, I'm focused on trying to get through my day to day life and I'm worried about the people I know and love first and foremost. I think you can reach people in a general way though, even over the internet. The issue is people aren't going to connect with what they don't know. And they're desensitized to cliche messaging. But a picture is worth a thousand words. Sincerity gets through to people.

Read this blog and see if it doesn't make you feel some things: http://www.humansofnewyork.com/

[LeesburgSkinFan]

My empathy is replaced by schadenfreude in a lot of cases.

[@DCGoldPants]

I think it is generational thing. In my grandparents generation the idea of helping your neighbor/community/country especially in the 40's was patriotism. Now any call for it is called socialism by some folks and everybody should help themselves. Otherwise, they are just leeching off society. 

[Going Commando]

Society is more sensitive and inclusive and humanitarian than it ever has been. Because of near universal access to mass media in developed countries, people as a whole are more informed about what's going on outside their communities, more informed about social problems, drugs, violence, crime, etc.

[zoony]

I think it is generational thing. In my grandparents generation the idea of helping your neighbor/community/country especially in the 40's was patriotism. Now any call for it is called socialism by some folks and everybody should help themselves. Otherwise, they are just leeching off society.

The last Great Depression I think opened a lot of eyes

This Great Depression seems to have just entrenched people in their previously held positions. The poor are lazy, the rich are hard working and virtuous. The end

[Forehead]

I find myself prone to it.  Panhandlers approach me in a parking lot, and I get mad at them. 

 

I assume that the sob story they're about to tell me is a lie.  That they really want the money for drugs, or some such. 

 

And then the thought occurs to me that well, the sob story might be a lie, but they're poor enough that they've been reduced to wandering parking lots telling a sob story, so what difference does it make if the sob story is true or not? 

 

So, some times, I give them money.  And, when I do, I'm still mad. 

 

When I was a kid, my mother told me a story about one specific panhandler who she would occasionally give money to when she was working downtown.  Then one day, she saw the guy coming out of a liquor store.  That ended that.  Unfortunately, I remembered the story and I think it's colored my viewpoints to some degree, that I'm conditioned to think it's a scam.

 

I'm sure many of them are legit, though some are obviously not.  My favorite is in the Metro Center area.  There's this guy, I'd guess at least part Hispanic.  Huge guy...I'm tall and he's taller than I am, very noticeable, stands out.  He was out there two - three times a week with a construction hat/vest on, saying that he didn't have enough money to get on the Metro and get home.  Once I can understand, but after that, it starts to get into the realm of poor planning, if the story is legit.

 

Well, he disappeared, then suddenly reappears a few weeks later two blocks away.  Now he's wearing a ski cap and claiming to be homeless, with a cardboard sign and everything.  I'll note, this gentleman does not look underfed.  That's one story I'm not buying.

[skinsmarydu]

I had a couple friends over watching a movie, and an elderly lady knocked on the door, said she noticed my front walk & driveway needed to be swept, and she would do it for whatever I could give her, she was hungry. I told her I could handle sweeping it, and gave her $20. I mean, would she knock on random doors if she didn't really think that was her last resort?

Maybe I'm just a sucker...but someone twice my age(at the time)? I probably would've cried my eyes out if I'd been alone, lol.

[SkinsHokieFan]

I disagree. Don't you see all those upworthy videos on your facebook newsfeed? 

[nonniey]

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2148033

Look what happens when you deduct Liberal giving to higher educational foundations. To put into simple terms lets say charitable giving is 450 units by conservatives an 100 units by liberals. That doesn't look good so lets, take away all religious giving by conservatives that evens it up at 100 each now. But if you take away the bequests by Liberals to higher educational institutions (ie Harvard etc). Now the numbers will look more like a 100 for conservatives and 3-5 for liberals.

Bottom-line eliminating religious donations to make liberals look better was always a stupid tactic to use since they were vulnerable to looking even worse when their main giving target was eliminated especially when you consider that much of Religious giving is used for the benefit of the poor and sick while educational charities is much less so.

[Going Commando]

Americans are the largest contributors of humanitarian aid in the world by far and we've taken on the burden of defending human rights around the world far more than anyone else has.

I'm not trying to pat ourselves on the back or win some sort of altruism contest. I just don't agree with the initial premise that there is some sort of a systemic lack of empathy in Americans. We're one of the most humane peoples to ever walk the Earth.

[Chachie]

I used to give money to panhandlers all the time but here's the reason I (virtually) stopped:

 

As long as we keep feeding them dollar bills, they will not participate in homeless shelters, work-aid programs, and drug rehabilitation. These efforts are put into place by caring people and taxpayer money.

 

That all goes into a black hole when beggars simply blow your street-charity money on booze, drugs, and cigarettes.

 

 

(I say I virtually stopped because sometimes I run into a panhandler in really cold or wet weather. I simply can't turn them away when I think they could possibly die without my $1-$5. However, it's rare these days.)

[Larry]

I used to give money to panhandlers all the time but here's the reason I (virtually) stopped:

 

As long as we keep feeding them dollar bills, they will not participate in homeless shelters, work-aid programs, and drug rehabilitation. These efforts are put into place by caring people and taxpayer money.

Unfortunately, the same reasoning is being applied to those aid programs.

Here in liberal Gainesville, a while back, the city actually passed laws making it illegal for local soup kitchens to feed more than a certain number of meals a day. Under the reasoning of "if we make it too good for the homeless, then it will encourage more homeless people to come here".

[Tulane Skins Fan]

By the way, is there any reason to think this is only true of Americans?  Not people on the whole?

[SteveFromYellowstone]

"Americans" was probably the wrong way to phrase it but i do believe in some other countries that people care more for each other and their communities. The Canadian conservatives take universal care for granted and don't bother with nonsense about repealing it so the "undeserving" don't get it. It's not just an American thing but I do believe "rugged individualism" and self-centeredness probably don't help.

[s0crates]

There is an old story about Lincoln. He was on a carriage ride, debating with his companion over this question of human selfishness. Despite his companion's protest that humans can be altruistic, Lincoln insisted we are purely self-interested.

The story goes that the pair were distracted by a crying sow, and Lincoln had the driver stop the carriage to see what was the matter. They discovered the sow's babies drowning, and of course Lincoln waded in to rescue them.

Back in the carriage, Lincoln's partner exclaims, "You see, I told you! That is altruistic behavior! You did something for those pigs with no prospect of benefit to yourself."

Lincoln replies, "I did that for myself. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight."

Was Lincoln being selfish?

[Predicto]

Americans are the largest contributors of humanitarian aid in the world by far 

 

We all love to believe this, but as I understand it, on a per capita basis we are nowhere near the top.  Nor are we near the top as a percentage of gross national income.  Moreover, a huge amount of our aid is in the form of food, which is really more of a farm price subsidy than charity.  

 

The subject is discussed in great detail here - and we don't come out so good. 

 

http://www.princeton.edu/~soapbox/vol2no4/24noveck.html

 

I'm not saying Americans are Grinches, but we shouldn't pat ourselves on the back too much. 

Unfortunately, the same reasoning is being applied to those aid programs.

Here in liberal Gainesville, a while back, the city actually passed laws making it illegal for local soup kitchens to feed more than a certain number of meals a day. Under the reasoning of "if we make it too good for the homeless, then it will encourage more homeless people to come here".

 

Sadly, there is a kernel of truth to that reasoning.   San Francisco being the prime example.  We have an enormous population of homeless people, almost all of whom came from other places (many of them were placed on buses to San Francisco by government officials in other places).  They come here because it is the easist place in the country to survive as a homeless person, which ends up putting an enormous burden on a city of 800,000 to support them.  

 

I don't know what the solution is.