Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[maxiumone]

Hey Zoony guess you need to rethink that Olive Garden thing:ols: :pfft:

http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/02/27/poll-shows-too-many-believe-olive-garden-serves-authentic-ethnic-food/?intcmp=features

Remember Marilyn Hagerty, the North Dakota octogenarian who waxed poetically about Olive Garden’s warm bread sticks in her newspaper review that became an Internet sensation? She apparently isn’t the only person who loves the Olive Garden.

According to a recent survey by Public Policy Polling of 500 registered voters, 39 percent of respondents found the Olive Garden to be a "quality source of authentic ethnic food." Forty-four percent thought it was not, and 17 percent were unsure. Public Policy Polling broke it down according to party line and revealed that 43 percent of Republicans claimed Olive Garden was authentic, compared with 41 percent of Democrats. By gender, 41 percent of women and 37 percent of men thought it to be authentic.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/02/27/poll-shows-too-many-believe-olive-garden-serves-authentic-ethnic-food/?intcmp=features#ixzz2M9tsUu9R

And maybe another reason why both democrats and republican need to be killed

Edited February 28, 2013 by maxiumone

[China]

Not that this story is funny, but that the comment by his kid:

Prosecutors: Child tells cop ‘Those are my daddy's hoes’ before human trafficking arrest

MIAMI —

A Miami Beach man was sentenced to 15 years in prison for beating and strangling a woman he forced into prostitution.

The sentencing of 34-year-old Robert Burton on Tuesday marked the first conviction for the Miami-Dade Human Trafficking Unit.

...

Prosecutors say when police pulled Burton over and inquired about the two women in the car, the child said, "those are my daddy's hoes."

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Weird Crime: Revenge is a Dish Best Served at 1500 psi

Clarksville, Tennessee

On February 27, 2013, 61-year-old Thomas Birdsall walked into a Sudden Service convenience store to buy a hat. Since purchasing any sort of clothing product from a convenience store comes with the risk of immediate disappointment, Birdsall also requested a receipt.

Unfortunately, the employee who rang up his order had already thrown the proof of purchase into the trash. To her credit, she began digging around in the garbage to retrieve it...but apparently not fast enough for Thomas, who began yelling and swearing at her.

At this point, a store manager intervened and asked Birdsall to leave, which he did. But after walking across the parking lot to his truck, he came back towards the store holding a high powered pressure washer.

The clerk, who had stood outside to make sure he vacated the premises, feared for her safety (and any product she may have had in her hair) and retreated back inside the store. Birdsall, however, would not be denied the immediate gratification of a watery revenge.

While store employees looked on in disbelief, the receipt-less and very disgruntled Birdsall began pressure washing the sidewalk and front doors of the store. He then got in his car and left while the manager called the police.

When the officers arrived, the store manager claimed that Birdsall (who lives nearby) had been harassing employees at the store for the past seven years. A good front area cleaning, however, was apparently the last straw.

This was also not the first time that Birdsall has been in trouble with the law. In addition to having several outstanding warrants for trespassing and disorderly conduct, he was also busted last year for attempting to run over a teenager in a Walmart parking lot.

Birdsall was arrested that evening and charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and criminal trespass.

Click on the link for the full article

Edited March 1, 2013 by China

[China]

Woman Gets Mauled to Death by Lion While Having Sex

Sharai Mawera was enjoying a spontaneous sexual encounter with her boyfriend when she was mauled to death by a lion on Tuesday.

The couple was at a secluded spot in an area known as the Zimbabwe Bush near the northern town of Kariba when the lion attacked, according to the My Zimbabwe News website.

Her boyfriend is believed to have jumped and fled when the lion joined the party.

“Unfortunately the woman was mauled to death by the lion, but her boyfriend managed to escape naked,” a source told My Zimbabwe News.

Click on the link for the full article

What do you call that Felis Interruptus?

---------- Post added March-7th-2013 at 01:10 PM ----------

Holy Cow! Demand for cow urine on rise

MANGALORE: Demand for 'Gomutra Arka', a medicine distilled out of cow urine, is on the rise in the city. An arka manufacturer on the outskirts of the city, who supplies around 10 litres a day, claims that even the educated are using the ayurvedic preparation regularly to prevent diseases.

What cow urine may look like

...

"We take care of more than 300 cows of various breeds. "Gomutra arka is effective in checking 109 types of diseases if consumed regularly as per the prescribed dosage. It increases resistance power, life span and purifies the blood, reduces cholesterol and checks obesity. It is also effective in skin diseases, acidity, kidney ailments and other diseases," he claimed adding that even doctors use it routinely to prevent diseases.

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Brawl breaks out over recycling

Key West police responded to Smathers around 5 p.m. Monday and arrested 20-year-old Cassilyn Clayton of Stock Island for allegedly biting the face of 21-year-old Madison Pelfrey of Stamford, Fla.

Witnesses told reporting Officer Stephen Armstrong that Clayton approached Pelfrey and "began yelling at her about littering on the beach," according to reports. The argument escalated, turned physical and ended when Clayton allegedly "bit Pelfrey's right cheek."

Clayton was taken to the Monroe County Detention Center, charged with misdemeanor battery and released from custody.

What a face biter may look like

Click on the link for the full article

[rictus58]

http://deadspin.com/warning-if-you-troll-a-professional-boxer-on-twitter-452727665

Curtis Woodhouse is a former professional soccer player who turned to boxing in 2006. After recently suffering a loss to Shayne Singleton, Woodhouse found himself in the crosshairs of a troll with a Twitter account.

@woodhousecurtis Haha u lost u silly mug fight a 10 year old next time if u want to actually win u waste of spunk

— the master (@jimmyob88) March 11, 2013

@woodhousecurtis Whats funny u put so much effort in sacrificed all that time and failed to defend your mickey mouse title #wasteofspunk

— the master (@jimmyob88)

@woodhousecurtis just retire lets face it your not good the facts and statistics prove my point a handful of losses already #****boxer

— the master (@jimmyob88) March 11, 2013

Unfortunately for the troll, Woodhouse decided that he wasn't going to take such abuse sitting down. Somehow, he managed to discover what street his antagonist lives on, and he set out to pay him a visit while mercilessly live-tweeting his trip.

@wit_xx @kinkwadze @jimmyob88 old jimmy has **** his pants and gone quite because we know where he lives! we are coming over for a brew

— curtis woodhouse (@woodhousecurtis) March 11, 2013

sat nav says im 47 minutes away, im getting a hard on!! @jimmyob88

— curtis woodhouse (@woodhousecurtis) March 11, 2013

im 17 miles away folks!!! ****s just got real for @jimmyob88 #boxing #boxingheads #keyboardwarrior #football

— curtis woodhouse (@woodhousecurtis) March 11, 2013

right Jimbob im here !!!!! someone tell me what number he lives at, or do I have to knock on every door#itsshowtime twitter.com/woodhousecurti…

— curtis woodhouse (@woodhousecurtis) March 11, 2013

With **** getting much more real than the troll had ever intended, he quickly and pathetically changed his tone:

@woodhousecurtis@wit_xx i was only joking about Didnt think you would be bothered thought you would take them as a joke

— the master (@jimmyob88) March 11, 2013

@woodhousecurtis i am sorry its getting abit out of hand i am in the wrong i accept that

— the master (@jimmyob88) March 11, 2013

So we've all learned a valuable lesson: Don't ever assume that the internet guarantees anonymity, and don't ever troll a guy who makes his living by punching people in the face.

[twa]

http://www.coyoteblog.com/coyote_blog/2013/03/another-california-coastal-commission-horror-story.html

Another California Coastal Commission Horror Story

March 8, 2013, 8:48 am

This is a guest post from Gregg Stevens. His story resonates with me in particular because he is in the same business as I am, running campgrounds. The story begins with the proverbial tree falling in the forest.

I used to think there wasn’t much a hole in the ground could do. The hole could get bigger, or it could get smaller. And that’s about it. But I’ve recently learned that a hole in the ground can not only suck an enormous amount of money, time and energy from a fellow, it can drive him to the edge of madness as well.

I run a small campground on a river in northern California, and one winter day a big old fir tree blew over into the water. It’s fairly common for trees to fall here on the heavily wooded, storm-battered Mendocino Coast. But this particular tree was a bit different than most. For it fell under the benevolent gaze of the California Coastal Commission.

The Coastal Commission came into being in the 1970’s as part of the Coastal Act, a law enacted primarily to stop the construction of a nuclear power plant at Bodega Bay. In retrospect, stopping this project was probably a good thing. For they have since discovered that building a nuke plant on Bodega Head may have been unwise, what with the San Andreas fault running directly beneath it and all.

But like all commissions, boards, bureaus and departments in California, the Coastal Commission soon grew like some weird bureaucratic bacteria culture into something far beyond their original charter. So instead of only reviewing construction projects west of Highway1, they now rule vast stretches of the state reaching miles inland. They are forever overruling the plans of counties and cities, and they have become a real thorn in the side of homeowners throughout the state. And right at the bull’s-eye of their target group are commercial property owners.

As part of my job I try to stay abreast of the continuous changes in the countless pages of codes and regulations that affect our business. So I knew that on this river, once a tree hits the water it is considered a salmon habitat. And if you want to remove it, it must be extensively permitted first. Permitted California-style.

If I just left the tree where it lay, it would have eventually torn out of the bank and floated downstream, where it would have hung up and kept the boats from getting in and out. I would have to buck it up and get it out of there before things got worse. So I armed myself with a permit application from the California Coastal Commission, and marched blindly and boldly into the arena....more @ link

[Bang]

Jeez,, that sounds like an Alice's Restaurant type of story.

Bureaucracy at work.

~Bang

[Dan T.]

Best obit ever? Maybe not, but a sweet one that's gone viral, written by the daughter of a guy in Mississippi who sounded like a bit of a character. Her obit touches on all his quirks and paints a pretty good picture of the man, a guy I bet was fun to know.

Harry Weathersby Stamps, ladies' man, foodie, natty dresser, and accomplished traveler, died on Saturday, March 9, 2013.

Harry was locally sourcing his food years before chefs in California starting using cilantro and arugula (both of which he hated). For his signature bacon and tomato sandwich, he procured 100% all white Bunny Bread from Georgia, Blue Plate mayonnaise from New Orleans, Sauer's black pepper from Virginia, home grown tomatoes from outside Oxford, and Tennessee's Benton bacon from his bacon-of-the-month subscription. As a point of pride, he purported to remember every meal he had eaten in his 80 years of life.

The women in his life were numerous. He particularly fancied smart women. He loved his mom Wilma Hartzog (deceased), who with the help of her sisters and cousins in New Hebron reared Harry after his father Walter's death when Harry was 12. He worshipped his older sister Lynn Stamps Garner (deceased), a character in her own right, and her daughter Lynda Lightsey of Hattiesburg. He married his main squeeze Ann Moore, a home economics teacher, almost 50 years ago, with whom they had two girls Amanda Lewis of Dallas, and Alison of Starkville. He taught them to fish, to select a quality hammer, to love nature, and to just be thankful. He took great pride in stocking their tool boxes. One of his regrets was not seeing his girl, Hillary Clinton, elected President.

He had a life-long love affair with deviled eggs, Lane cakes, boiled peanuts, Vienna [Vi-e-na] sausages on saltines, his homemade canned fig preserves, pork chops, turnip greens, and buttermilk served in martini glasses garnished with cornbread.

He excelled at growing camellias, rebuilding houses after hurricanes, rocking, eradicating mole crickets from his front yard, composting pine needles, living within his means, outsmarting squirrels, never losing a game of competitive sickness, and reading any history book he could get his hands on. He loved to use his oversized "old man" remote control, which thankfully survived Hurricane Katrina, to flip between watching The Barefoot Contessa and anything on The History Channel. He took extreme pride in his two grandchildren Harper Lewis (8) and William Stamps Lewis (6) of Dallas for whom he would crow like a rooster on their phone calls. As a former government and sociology professor for Gulf Coast Community College, Harry was thoroughly interested in politics and religion and enjoyed watching politicians act like preachers and preachers act like politicians. He was fond of saying a phrase he coined "I am not running for political office or trying to get married" when he was "speaking the truth." He also took pride in his service during the Korean conflict, serving the rank of corporal--just like Napolean, as he would say.

Harry took fashion cues from no one. His signature every day look was all his: a plain pocketed T-shirt designed by the fashion house Fruit of the Loom, his black-label elastic waist shorts worn above the navel and sold exclusively at the Sam's on Highway 49, and a pair of old school Wallabees (who can even remember where he got those?) that were always paired with a grass-stained MSU baseball cap.

Harry traveled extensively. He only stayed in the finest quality AAA-rated campgrounds, his favorite being Indian Creek outside Cherokee, North Carolina. He always spent the extra money to upgrade to a creek view for his tent. Many years later he purchased a used pop-up camper for his family to travel in style, which spoiled his daughters for life.

He despised phonies, his 1969 Volvo (which he also loved), know-it-all Yankees, Southerners who used the words "veranda" and "porte cochere" to put on airs, eating grape leaves, Law and Order (all franchises), cats, and Martha Stewart. In reverse order. He particularly hated Day Light Saving Time, which he referred to as The Devil's Time. It is not lost on his family that he died the very day that he would have had to spring his clock forward. This can only be viewed as his final protest.

Because of his irrational fear that his family would throw him a golf-themed funeral despite his hatred for the sport, his family will hold a private, family only service free of any type of "theme." Visitation will be held at Bradford-O'Keefe Funeral Home, 15th Street, Gulfport on Monday, March 11, 2013 from 6-8 p.m.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you make a donation to Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College (Jeff Davis Campus) for their library. Harry retired as Dean there and was very proud of his friends and the faculty. He taught thousands and thousands of Mississippians during his life. The family would also like to thank the Gulfport Railroad Center dialysis staff who took great care of him and his caretaker Jameka Stribling.

Finally, the family asks that in honor of Harry that you write your Congressman and ask for the repeal of Day Light Saving Time. Harry wanted everyone to get back on the Lord's Time.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/sunherald/obituary.aspx?n=harry-stamps&pid=163538353&fhid=4025#fbLoggedOut

[China]

Global Internet Porn Habits Infographic

The linked interactive infographic shows the top 10 most commonly searched terms on porn sites over a 6 month period.

You can check out every state in the U.S. and then see what other countries around the world are searching for.

EDIT: LOL @ the #1 search term for Kentucky.

Edited March 13, 2013 by China

[China]

White Rock woman holds 'Lying Cheating Sale' to sell all her husband's stuff while he's 'gone with his floozie'

A scorned White Rock woman held a yard sale on the weekend to get rid of her husband's stuff while he was "gone with his floozie," according to a Craigslist ad.

"Husband left us for a piece of trash, selling everything while he is gone this weekend with his floozie," read the text of the ad, which was posted early Friday afternoon to the free classifieds site.

The Province dropped by the yard sale on Saturday and, sure enough, bargain-hunters were sifting through the goods which included office chairs, camping gear and other offerings.

The lady in charge of the sale declined to speak with us on the record.

Her colourful Craigslist ad, however, said she was selling everything and moving after 10 years of marriage. The featured items included his favourite red leather reclining theatre-seating sofas, and "lots of tools which he didn't have a clue how to use."

"I want the house empty on Monday when he returns because that will be a shock for him to see. So come pick out what you would like Saturday and Sunday at 8 a.m.

"Don't come too early (like he did) because I will be thoroughly enjoying some wine with my girlfriends this evening as we clean out all this stuff and likely be nursing hangovers in the morning. So please speak softly to the ladies wearing the sunglasses."

Click on the link for the full article

[skinsmarydu]

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nba-ball-dont-lie/derrick-rose-reportedly-offers-help-pay-funeral-slain-164551880--nba.html

I haven't looked to see if it's here yet (my apologies), but I thought this was super awesome.

Thanks, China!...#86 was superduper!

Edited March 14, 2013 by skinsmarydu
givin' China props

[AsburySkinsFan]

EDIT: LOL @ the #1 search term for Kentucky.

Hey don't look at me!

Edited March 14, 2013 by AsburySkinsFan

[twa]

Hey don't look at me!

Denial is not a river in Egypt

[skinsmarydu]

Hey don't look at me!

It's all on you, haha...is there another Kentuckyan on the board? Seriously, only been through the state once when I was about 9 or 10, on our way to see my sis in St. Louis at the time...but from what I've seen of it since, I'm glad we've "met", and I wish you the best with your move to G. You're an inspiration, have truly loved your liberal side, and hope you don't leave US just because you're leaving the country!

We'll need to PM...we're all in for helping in your move.

See, I'm not evil...

[China]

Bogus 'bingo' earns no jail time

COVINGTON — Yelling bingo when nobody has won can get you in trouble with the law.

Just ask the Covington man who falsely yelled “bingo” last month and was cited for second-degree disorderly conduct.

As part of 18-year-old Austin Whaley’s punishment, Kenton District Judge Douglas Grothaus recently ordered the Covington man not to say the word “bingo” for six months.

“Just like you can’t run into a theater and yell ‘fire’ when it’s not on fire, you can’t run into a crowded bingo hall and yell ‘bingo’ when there isn’t one,” said Park Hills Police Sgt. Richard Webster, the officer who cited Whaley.

On Feb. 9, Webster was working an off-duty security detail at a Covington bingo hall on West Pike Street when Whaley entered the hall with several other youths and yelled “bingo,” Webster said.

“This caused the hall to quit operating since they thought someone had won,” Webster wrote on his citation. “This delayed the game by several minutes and caused alarm to patrons.”

Webster said the crowd of mostly elderly women did not take kindly to Whaley’s bingo call.

Click on the link for the full article

[pjfootballer]

I wonder if Sherman Lewis was there.

[GhostofSparta]

http://www.uproxx.com/tv/2013/03/woman-lights-snake-on-fire-flaming-snake-burns-womans-house-down/

Woman Lights Snake On Fire, Flaming Snake Burns Woman’s House Down

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Woman sees snake in yard. Woman becomes frightened. Woman dumps gasoline on snake. Woman lights gasoline-soaked snake on fire. Flaming snake tears across woman’s yard and into a pile of brush. Brush catches fire. Fire spreads to woman’s house. Woman’s house burns down.

More at the link.

[Koolblue13]

More at the link.

I can't believe a persons first instinct was to set a living creature on fire while alive. That's sick.

[Burgold]

I can't believe a persons first instinct was to set a living creature on fire while alive. That's sick.

It's sick and kinda crazy. If you are close enough to splash gas on it and then close enough to ignite it... well, then you aren't all that afraid of the snake are you? Leave it be.

[Koolblue13]

It's sick and kinda crazy. If you are close enough to splash gas on it and then close enough to ignite it... well, then you aren't all that afraid of the snake are you? Leave it be.

Exactly. Walk away from it. I doubt karma is done with this POS woman.

[twa]

Union on strike against itself

http://www.sfbg.com/politics/2013/03/14/seiu-1021-employees-authorize-strike-its-clash-city-goes-arbitration

The two sides reportedly reached a tenative agreement over the weekend]. Service Employees International Union Local 1021, which represents most city employees in San Francisco, continues to fight both internal and external challenges, with its own staff employees overwhelmingly authorizing a strike just as the union battles the city over pay equity issues.

As we reported last month, SEIU Local 1021 organizers, researchers, negotiators, and other professional staff, represented by Communication Workers of America Local 9404, have been without a contract since last fall and they're resisting concessions to their pensions and health care benefits that President Roxanne Sanchez and her leadership team are seeking.

After several cancelled negotiating sessions between the two sides (which haven't met since our story was published), CWA last week called for a strike authorization vote that was approved by 94 percent of voting members. CWA Area Director Libby Sayre and Nick Peraino, a CWA shop steward at Local 1021, say the vote repudiates Sanchez's characterization that it is a small but vocal group that is unhappy with management.

[China]

A Chinese woman filed for divorce because her husband’s penis was too small.

The 52-year-old woman was granted a divorce from her 55-year-old husband after she claimed that the size of his 5-cm-long penis left him unable to meet her sexual needs, Apple Daily reported.

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

What's with all the massive food theft lately, is someone really hungry or planning a party with a weird menu?

Florida man accused of stealing $75,000 worth of soup

A 51-year-old Orlando man was arrested on charges that he stole a tractor trailer containing $75,000 worth of soup, authorities said.

Click on the link for the full article

-----------------------------------------------------

$100,000 worth of burgers stolen from Linden

LINDEN — Police are looking for the person responsible for stealing $100,000 worth of hamburger patties destined for shipment overseas.

Capt. James Sarnicki said police responded Tuesday to BMG Logistics, a shipping yard at 720 W. Edgar Road, for a report of a shipping container theft.

The owner told police that sometime between 8 p.m. April 8 and 10 a.m. April 9, someone stole a 40-foot-long refrigerated shipping container from the lot containing $100,000 worth of hamburger patties bound for the Netherlands.

Click on the link for the full article

----------------------------------------------------------

Thieves swipe 5 tons of Nutella in Germany

The chocolate-hazelnut spread was stolen from the town of Bad Hersfeld over the weekend.

BERLIN — These thieves might really have sticky fingers.

Police said Monday an unknown number of culprits made off with 5.5 tons of Nutella chocolate-hazelnut spread from a parked trailer in the central German town of Bad Hersfeld over the weekend.

The gooey loot is worth an estimated 16,000 euros ($20,710).

Click on the link for the full article

[DCranon21]

Hubbs, you were right in the segregation thread about good ole FLORIDA

Alex Mesa Ticketed For Running Backwards In Miami Beach, Florida

For six years, Alex Mesa has been running backwards throughout Miami Beach. He's appeared in tourists' YouTube videos and even completed an entire 5k in reverse.

On Saturday, police interrupted his jog.

WTVJ reported that four officers responding to a 911 call ticketed Mesa for obstructing traffic. Sgt. Robert Hernandez of the Miami Beach Police Department told the station that authorities witnessed Mesa jogging between cars.

Mesa allegedly told officers he wouldn't stop running backwards in the street. He told WTVJ he believes police singled him out because they learned of a past drug charge.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/10/alex-mesa-ticketed-running-backwards-miami_n_3051787.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

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Eel Removed From Man After Getting Stuck, Chewing Through Colon (GRAPHIC PHOTOS)

Do not try this at home. Do not try this anywhere. Just do not try it.

A man in China's southeastern Guangdong province admitted himself to a local hospital after he reportedly got a live eel stuck inside him. According to British tabloid The Sun, the man inserted the 20-inch-long Asian swamp eel into his anus after seeing it done in a porn movie, and he had to endure all-night surgery to have it extracted.

According to a HuffPost translation of Chinese news aggregation website Mop.com, the eel reportedly chewed through the man's colon, perforating his large intestine, and became stuck in his body cavity. A graphic X-ray image (seen below) shows how far inside the eel was when the man came in for treatment.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/09/eel-removed-from-man-stuck-colon-photo_n_3046785.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

This one might be NSFW.

Edited April 10, 2013 by DCranon21