benskins26 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 So I've been with my wife 10 years. She's 31 weeks pregnant (unexpected), and its been a rough pregnancy. Basically every negative thing has happened. She's in constant pain. And she's very vocal about it. In fact, it's pretty much all she talks about. She's miserable, and subsequently, I am as well. Finances are fine, so no problem there. Our sex life hasn't been stellar in a couple of years, but we've gotten to the point where we've maybe had sex 5 times in the last 8 months, and no times in the last 2. I hate to think that's my primary point of contention, but it is very frustrating. And I've told her as much. Every conversation is a fight. Over what to eat. Over tone. Over weekend plans. Type of diapers. Etc. and a lot of them turn into full blown huge fights, where I contemplate leaving. But I stay, and then when things are calm, she starts crying and lecturing me on how I don't support her, I don't understand (despite making most the money, cooking all the meals, making her lunch for her, going out on ice cream runs,etc- anything she wants). But, according to her, I don't support her. Now she's getting endorsement from her therapist that all is my fault. That I need to be more supportive, and that no sex is totally normal and understandable. My counter argument, is we never kiss, hug, cuddle, touch, anything. She feels like a friend who just lives with me. I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do. Has anyone had similar experiences? My friend who has a pretty perfect relationship said that when their baby was born, THAT'S when the fighting started for them. So, I can't imagine how much worse it could get. Please help me. Advice, similar experiences. Do I need to start taking Xanax? What can I do? I'm miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiv Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 I think it might help you if you both saw a counselor together. Not her therapist obviously. You guys should pick one out together so that you guys can work through your problems together. That's all I have for you, i'm not an expert. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Sorry to hear that, man. The saddest thing about pregnancy and post partum mental stuff is that it's real, it affects tons of people, but support is hard to find and your suggestions to see a psychiatrist will NOT go over well. Remember that she does not want to be crazy and that she is not enjoying it. Relieve yourself frequently. Listen to her attentively. Say silly cheezy things that you think she should already know, say them over and over again: I really want to help, I am here for you, everything will be fine, etc. do not try to fix anything - fixing is not an option, you are in feelings management territory. Lower your expectations below 0. Remember that you are now responsible for another life. Good luck and have fun! Kids are great. Also, you are nearing the nesting time. Prepare to move furniture, decorate, etc, and be happy about it. Do. Not. Resist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benskins26 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 It hadn't occurred to me it could be depression. But reading the symptoms, it sounds very familiar. I love this woman. She is everything to me. But I'm growing to hate her. And I think she has no interest in me (though I think she also loves me deeply). I just want things to be normal, but I fear they'll get worse. Though maybe the bonding over a child will make them better? Am I alone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesMadisonSkins Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Therapy is #1 ... joint therapy that you can both agree on and air your grievances under the guide of someone that can help manage both sides of the emotional roller coaster that might come from that. DOn't hold back either, be honest with her, but also be honest in your true love for her (as stated above). If you love her and she's your everything as you say, you need to fight for that feeling before the anger, hatred and frustration take over ... which I think they are starting to do. IF ... If that doesn't work and there isn't at least some progress, you do eventually want to get out for the sake of both parties. No sense in living a miserable life together just because you had something once. Also ... before formally splitting ... if therapy doesn't help at all, it might be worth a break ... a legit break ... with the intent of making it work ... so the two of you can see what life is like without the other. Sometimes that's all it takes for both people to realize what they truly value and what can be salvaged ... and come back together to start fresh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterMP Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 It depends on how much of it is a real relationship issue vs. how much of it pregnancy driven hormones. If you were having issues before the pregnancy (not a stellar sex life), in my experience a, having a baby isn't going to help. There is just more stress, more things to argue about (parenting), and less time to do things together. My wife and I had real issues after our 2nd was born (she was especially difficult and liked to scream from about 8-12 every night). And it took a lot to work through them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 It hadn't occurred to me it could be depression. But reading the symptoms, it sounds very familiar. I love this woman. She is everything to me. But I'm growing to hate her. And I think she has no interest in me (though I think she also loves me deeply). I just want things to be normal, but I fear they'll get worse. Though maybe the bonding over a child will make them better? Am I alone? You are definitely not alone. Having the child should make it better, at least in some way - you both will be too exhausted and sleep deprived to fight also the focus will be elsewhere, and you may have some temporary relief from physiological frustration due to exhaustion... Having feelings of hate, not being wanted, desired, appreciated, are all normal. If it helps to analyze it a bit, here is a simplified way of how you could break that down, take it for what it's worth. Lack of sex, lack of touching and physical contact, problems with non-verbal communication, problems with higher level communication. Hate is coming mostly from lack of sex. Fundamental physiological need is not getting satisfied, and that's a big deal. You want her to be that person for you, but she's not. You are noticing other women because your brain is seeking sex but that's not what you really want, and this whole thing sucks. Sorry but things may stay that way for a while. It is hard to take your mind off sex in this situation. Maybe you could find distractions. You could deal with that by relieving yourself regularly to take the edge off. Touching and physical contact is very important, it gets your brain to feel attachment and caring. That's where "no interest in me" thing could be coming from. Maybe you could arrange something where you at least hold hands or give back rubs. It is very painful when you reach out and response is nothing. Small things you can count on, they could go a long way. Maybe she can agree to help. Manage expectations in your mind. Good luck. Non-verbal communication is a similar thing, but harder to take small steps in. It could improve if the touching comes back. High level, reasoned discussions are off the table Stay off all subjects that are touchy (yes that likely means all subjects). When you feel negative emotions bubbling up, try to say nothing. Yes this is very hard to do, not to say that one little thing that just ruins everything. It can also be difficult and strange not to be open, not to share your feelings, not to have her be interested in things that are oh-so-important to you. It may be even more difficult not to share your feelings about it being difficult not to share your feelings Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 it is difficult,but try to put yourself in her place. The hormones and discomfort along with the usual fears of complications and her life forever changing radically are difficult. You know what you are going thru and hers is worse.(and your is no cakewalk) I'm not a therapy fan,but it does help some....Alexey has good suggestions Good luck and hopefully things will improve,but it will take both of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zguy28 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Seek a counselor that you can both go to together. Don't tell the counselor what you think they want to here either, just be honest and be yourself. When was the last time you romanced her without expectation of sex (or anything) in return. You say she talks about her pain all the time? Attempt to do something about it and do it selflessly. Rub her back until your thumbs feel like falling off, then do it some more. Get her a tub to soak her feet in with Epsom salts or something. You can buy lavendar scented salts or other scents. Then massage them. Or buy her a trip to the spa for a pedicure and hot rock treatment on her feet. Buy a CD or mp3 and put a set of headphones on her belly and watch the baby "dance". I remember my first one we played "You'll be in my heart" by Phil Collins and he rolled. There are many more ideas out there, find them. Bottom line, if you truly love her, and the child, sacrifice for them. Make it work. Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.Ephesians 5:28 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskindan07 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 It sounds as if you guys may have some issues prior to the pregnancy. Not trying to judge in any way but if that is the case the pregnancy may not be the issue. Hopefully all is well and things will be great once the baby is delivered. Children are a wonderful thing and should come before everything else. I wish you luck. Hopefully you have roughly 4 hours of you time each Sunday watching the Skins!! HTTR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G.A.C.O.L.B. Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Thank ****ing God I haven't had kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Thank ****ing God I haven't had kids. it is rather life changing (and terrified me unlike anything else). I wouldn't change a thing looking back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Sinister Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Thank ****ing God I haven't had kids. I'd like to add "Or gotten married" to that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G.A.C.O.L.B. Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 I'd like to add "Or gotten married" to that as well. yeah well I learned that lesson the hard way. But at least I didn't have any brats to tie me to them for the rest of my life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 I fully intended to come in this thread and make a joke. That sucks man. Sounds like she is controlling and you are passive however. Might be too late to fix it. Good Luck. EDIT : Children don't fix these type of situations generally. More likely that you will become even more distant as far as that comforting and intimate relationship. Sometimes it just happens. You grow apart and fall out of love. You still love that person, but are mature enough to understand that it is not going to work in the long run... or you settle and suck it up for the kids. I have known several people down that road. It's not pretty or comfortable. Communication. #1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Sinister Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 "Settle" That's something I've wanted to start a thread on for awhile. The idea of settling. When it's good to do it, and when it's not good. Unfortunately for me, that would end up being more of a statement than an actual question meant for discussion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TradeTheBeal! Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 How can a woman who's been married 10 years and, apparently, isn't that active with their husband get pregnant "unexpectedly"? Not to be harsh, but I call BS. And this BS is probably at the root of the problem(s). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 "Settle" That's something I've wanted to start a thread on for awhile. The idea of settling. When it's good to do it, and when it's not good. Unfortunately for me, that would end up being more of a statement than an actual question meant for discussion It's an interesting subject. My other thing is "availability" (especially when people first start dating). How can a woman who's been married 10 years and, apparently, isn't that active with their husband get pregnant "unexpectedly"? Not to be harsh, but I call BS. And this BS is probably at the root of the problem(s). It only takes once. But I see what you are saying there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taylor703 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 My ex and I were together over 5 years and I know our situations aren't necessarily comparable but I really started to dislike her the longer we were together. I still loved her very much but in my mind she just wasn't the same person anymore. Her mother disliked me for a reason I've never been able to figure out and my ex held that against me for years. I think the reality is we just grew apart and sadly the same could be happening to you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zguy28 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 My ex and I were together over 5 years and I know our situations aren't necessarily comparable but I really started to dislike her the longer we were together. I still loved her very much but in my mind she just wasn't the same person anymore. Her mother disliked me for a reason I've never been able to figure out and my ex held that against me for years. I think the reality is we just grew apart and sadly the same could be happening to you... There is an old saying that goes "woman get married figuring they can change the man, and he doesn't. Men get married figuring the woman won't change and she does." Every relationship is about managing and fulfilling expectations... or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KDawg Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Projecting your own experiences on his are surely not going to help anything. Seriously. It could be anything. It could be the pregnancy, it could be the fact you're nervous and terrified about being a Dad/Mom. It could be anything. What matters is that you two are honest with each other on if you want it to work or not. You had some negative things to say, but you also had some positive. So really measure it down. Pregnancy is often a time of contention in a relationship. Good luck to you and follow whats in both of your hearts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Are you going to the therapist with her? Or is this just your wife relaying to you what the therapist is telling her? If it's the latter, I would suggest joint therapy visits where you can hash out your concerns with an objective observer. If you don't like the therapist she's chosen and truly think she's a moron, see if she's willing to go to a different therapist that both of you pick. As for her behavior, I have to say that every woman's pregnancy is different. Even the same woman's pregnancy with each child can be drastically different. The hormones we have to deal with throughout our child-bearing years (oh, I'm a female by the way, lol, just in case you don't know) are a ****. These hormones are greatly exacerbated and prone to much wilder swings from one end of the spectrum to the other end during pregnancy. I have never been pregnant, but I have been with my sisters and close girlfriends through theirs' and the changes several of them experienced personality-wise during their pregnancies was quite profound. I remember telling my sister that she didn't get to use her pregnancy as an excuse to be a complete **** to all of us who were trying to help her That didn't go over too well with her or my family, oops. Regardless, the whole point is that women can be extremely moody and difficult during pregnancy and it's really not the best time to judge their personality or character... I would recommend being open and honest with each other and attending joint therapy where you can air out some of your pent up frustrations in a relatively neutral environment. All the best to you and your family and I hope your wife delivers with no complications Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 My sig is from this article. Your wife is in the center ring right now. http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407 Complain to us about it, but support her. She's pregnant. She's achy and nauseous and she can't sleep and is pretty much miserable all the time. It's not your fault but it's not hers either. I'd cut her some slack. She won't be pregnant forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhoRUSupposed2Be Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 My coworker and I just had a conversation that your situation could get worse. Not speaking for all women but he was telling me "that when a woman has a child and you are stuck in that 3 month lockdown requirement, her center of life begins to close basically making her a virgin again." It's a painfully stakingly way to put it, but it makes alot of sense. Hope you still have your little black book around after 10yrs. champ. But, who knows... perhaps her sex drive will return after pregnancy if you use more ways of compassion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoCalMike Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 I think the first thing that needs to be addressed, honestly, is whether these problems are a result of the pregnancy or if these problems have been around for a lot longer. If it all started happening when she got pregnant, then I say tough it out, bite the bullet and try to just lay down and swallow pride for the next 6 - 8 months thru the first few months of the baby being around. If these problems were persistent before the pregnancy, then this goes way deeper then simply "being a doormat" to her while she is pregnant. Also, like others have said, joint therapy or counseling is needed. It doesn't seem to be doing the relationship any good if she is going alone and merely giving her side of the story which in turn re-enforces everything she already has to say about the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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