WSJ: Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

[China]

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?

By AMY CHUA

—Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.

First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

Click on the link for the full article

[FanboyOf91]

PDATE: I emailed author Amy Chua this evening (1/9). Expressed my disappointment about the WSJ piece and pointed to this Quora thread. To my surprise I received a prompt reply from her that said:

Dear Christine: Thank you for taking the time to write me, and I'm

so sorry about your sister. I did not choose the title of the WSJ

excerpt, and I don't believe that there is only one good way of raising

children. The actual book is more nuanced, and much of it is about

my decision to retreat from the "strict Chinese immigrant"

model.

Best of luck to you,

Amy Chua

Well, the editor at the WSJ who made up the headline ...and her publisher must be happy at all the buzz and traffic this excerpt has gotten. Unfortunately, I think it comes at the expense of being able to get across the "nuance" she speaks of and definitely doesn't indicate that she has since retreated from the "strict Chinese immigrant" model we're all debating. But I think that's secondary to selling books at this stage in the game. *sigh*

http://www.quora.com/Parenting/Is-Amy-Chua-right-when-she-explains-Why-Chinese-Mothers-Are-Superior-in-an-op-ed-in-the-Wall-Street-Journal

[twa]

Nice piece, though I do not share that aversion to drama and sports

Balance in all things

[SkinsHokieFan]

Damn good article.

My mom did that to me with certain things. I do also disagree with not playing enough sports

[Bang]

My wife is chinese, and she's definitely got an entirely different way of approaching schoolwork, and in my house I stand back and let her do it.

As a result my son is an honor roll student and has a very good outlook towards education. He could use better study habits, but he's about a 20000% better student than I ever was.

I insist we balance with sports and other activities. He's a baseball player, a sax player in the school marching band (2 solos during basketball games!), and he's encouraged to expand his horizons. Basically whatever positive activity he wants to do, we encourage and try to enable him, so long as the time to keep his grades up isn't affected.

School-based activities are always encouraged.

My wife is not the 'typical chinese mom" as the article describes. (for one she's his step-mom) and she recognizes that there must be time for a kid to be a kid.

~Bang

[twa]

The report card bit will seem familiar to my kids as well as the taking away toys....dad was a *******

Are you incapable of a A+? :evilg:

[zoony]

This article is a great example of why Asia will only be the factory of the world and never the creative innovators we are in the west.

And why also they lay down like sheep for any dictator that tells them to.

Good job, Chinese mothers.

[Henry]

Are ALL Chinese parents like that, or is it mostly the parents of Chinese descent living in the US?

First generation immigrants in the US tend to be very very hard on their kids, because they know how hard it is to get here and they understand how well this country rewards hard work.

That's nothing new or earth-shattering. It's called the American Dream. And it's why AMERICAN mothers are superior.

[Fergasun]

Coming in next week's WSJ, "Why White Quarterbacks are Superior" to be accompanied by "Why Black President's are Superior."

What an awful headline.

The sample size in this article is ONE! Furthermore could it be that her over-bearing parenting was balanced outsomehow by a husband named Jed... I well, I guess I'm supposed to by the book if I want to find out about the rest of the story. Oh, yeah, she's releasing a book... hmmmmmm...

This is kind've like ESPN running a ridiculous "Outside the Lines" segment for 30 minutes talking about Kobe Bryant appearing in a video game commercial (not sure they really mentioned that ESPN makes a lot of $$$ on its NBA product)... well, maybe this article is more shameless.

[twa]

I agree the headline is terrible, but the fact is high expectations and involved parents are superior

though as Zoony pointed out it is simply part of the puzzle

[DjTj]

Are ALL Chinese parents like that, or is it mostly the parents of Chinese descent living in the US?

First generation immigrants in the US tend to be very very hard on their kids, because they know how hard it is to get here and they understand how well this country rewards hard work.

That's nothing new or earth-shattering. It's called the American Dream. And it's why AMERICAN mothers are superior.

Certainly, immigration generally selects for the most ambitious and hard-working parents. But I think there is also something in Chinese culture going back to Confucius, which emphasizes a strict obedience to parents, and an emphasis on education and hard work. Of course it's all a spectrum. Not all immigrant Chinese parents are like the mother described in the article. And the diversity is even greater in China.

This article is a great example of why Asia will only be the factory of the world and never the creative innovators we are in the west.

And why also they lay down like sheep for any dictator that tells them to.

Good job, Chinese mothers.

You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better. But Japan pretty successfully transitioned from a "factory" nation to an "innovative" nation, and they have even managed to run a democracy. Taiwan and South Korea are getting there. China will be there too.

I'm sure that European countries said the same things about the United States, when we were outworking them in our factories. Dismissing hard workers as uncreative drones is the excuse of a slacker.

[Thiebear]

I ensure my two girls have a good bit of Martial arts and expert skills in Call of Duty to ensure they are well balanced later.

[twa]

I ensure my two girls have a good bit of Martial arts and expert skills in Call of Duty to ensure they are well balanced later.

Don't neglect their bladework grasshopper...balance

[TD_washingtonredskins]

This article is a great example of why Asia will only be the factory of the world and never the creative innovators we are in the west.

And why also they lay down like sheep for any dictator that tells them to.

Good job, Chinese mothers.

I don't know if we can paint with such a broad brush as I'm sure there are Western mothers in Asia and Chinese mothers in the West...but generally I agree.

I don't understand how anyone can think that a child being raised in that manner would result in a well-rounded adult. If you are forced to play an instrument 3 hours per day, forced to get straight A's, and prohibited from making any meaningful decisions for yourself...how is that instilling anything other than obedient behavior. You are almost molding your child into being a passive person who takes orders well. That's not a bad thing, but it also isn't the only right way to raise a child.

Don't get me wrong, some of the traits are admirable. Work-ethic, commitment, and accountability are certainly things that are important to me and I see lacking in Western children sometimes. However, I just think it should be balanced more. What's wrong with these children focusing some of that attention on physical fitness or athletics? How about forming bonds with some other kids their age so that they have a network of friends who might expose them to other interests? That way, they could apply the lessons they were taught by their mother to other things.

I think this extreme method will only bring up children who have a very low ceiling, can't think for themselves, and have the potential to snap and lash out as they get older and do develop more independence.

[Elessar78]

I forget which Malcolm Gladwell book it was but he talks about why Asian students to do better in math than other races. What they discovered through research wasn't anything radical—but as a whole Asian students just spent more minutes trying to figure out a math problem. Other students would have just quit. IIRC, it wasn't a substantial amount of time either. So I can see the point that is made above about not letting the kid quit as soon as the activity provides some resistance.

[endzone_dave]

Then the Chinese math whiz joins the workforce, does really well, gets promoted into their first management position and realizes they can't relate to anyone and no one wants to work for them. They never get promoted again.

[Bootleg]

Then the Chinese math whiz joins the workforce, does really well, gets promoted into their first management position and realizes they can't relate to anyone and no one wants to work for them. They never get promoted again.

Yup, which is why Asian families have the highest income out of all races in the United States.

[HRNY4ZRNY]

Chinese Japanese Siamese look at these.

I wish my parents were Chinese and pushed me harder. I wouldn't be wasting my time here on Extremeskins.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

So I can see the point that is made above about not letting the kid quit as soon as the activity provides some resistance.

I DEFINITELY agree with that. That trait seems to be one that is absent in American kids from what I can see. We've already decided with our two young kids that we will give them the freedom to choose their activities (within reason, of course) but that they are going to see them through once they choose them. And, if they decide they don't want to continue pursuing something and we think the reason is good enough, they will need to replace it with something else.

Though I think it's a bit ridiculous, my 3 year old son was in soccer this past fall. It was tough to even call it soccer. They had drills and everything, but it was mainly 10 or 12 kids running around, playing with cones, picking up the ball, etc. My son hated it to start out...but we never let him leave a practice early. Even if I had to go over and stand with him while he just watched the kids who actually participated, I didn't want to set the precedent that complaining about it would lead to us packing things up and heading home. By the last couple practices, he was doing all of the drills as well as he could.

I think that you can apply some of the ideas in this article to a more well-rounded upbringing.

[No_Pressure]

I think that the philosophy of pushing kids to work hard at all times and never really have much fun is one which can produce an exceptional adult who is productive and capable of anything basically. I also believe that a childhood should be fun. The way the world works is you learn and grow as a child so you can become an adult and then you work and produce until you die. Usually the only time in your life which has entire chunks of time reserved for leisure and exploration of the world around you is childhood. At 22 I'm not about to go build a fort in the woods with my friends and spend my entire summer working on it or exploring the area around it. Had I read a book about building forts and tree houses, or a book about what it was like to explore in the woods and have fun with your friends as a 9 year old I would never have experienced it the way I did.

Did it ultimately help me advance myself as a human being? Probably not, though I know a lot of people who never learned some simple basics to construction but thats another story. The point is I didn't just get born, work, work, work, work, work and die.

I also have a problem with the way they view the world. I suppose if you can't play a classical piece on the piano you're a loser right? If you ever got a B or worse you're a loser right? I'm sure that the major innovators of the world were all pianists who got straight A's their entire life and worked their childhoods away, right? Every child is not special, but every human being has a set of things that they are mediocre or bad at, and another set of things they are incredibly good at.

[Bootleg]

Haters gonna hate.

Always a reason for the "rest of us" to not achieve superlative success... Whether it be an "unhealthy upbringing" for Asians... Or "unfair advantages involving wealth and connections" for whites... Or "affirmative action" for blacks.

[atlee123]

the information presented in this article is nothing new...asian parents have been doing this for years.

the problem is that this regimen leaves the children defunct of many skills that are necessary for success. while china is an upcoming force in the world, it has little to do with their educational prowess and more to do with their large numbers of people and increasingly open government. china has the potential to become a business superpower, and yet they do not push 'people skills' and raise their children to become doctors and engineers in other countries. this is why i believe the china boom will end by 2050 without any of the radical changes that many have predicted

i have personally seen the pressure that asian parents put on their children and it is ridiculous, especially considering that many western parents have raised children who end up at the same place in life without any of the negative parental pressures.

[DjTj]

Then the Chinese math whiz joins the workforce, does really well, gets promoted into their first management position and realizes they can't relate to anyone and no one wants to work for them. They never get promoted again.

Or they learn how to relate to people, get promoted, and promoted again...

...and eventually win the Nobel Prize and get appointed Secretary of Energy: http://www.energy.gov/organization/dr_steven_chu.htm

...or help found Yahoo!: http://www.forbes.com/lists/2006/10/R4Q2.html

...or help found Youtube: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1570721,00.html

...or become CFO of Wal-Mart: http://www.cfonet.com/article.cfm/11400041

...or COO of the Global Bank Group of Goldman Sachs: http://engineering.columbia.edu/james-li-%E2%80%9968-bs-%E2%80%9970-ms-%E2%80%9974-prof-d

...or Senior Vice-President and General Counsel for Dell: http://content.dell.com/us/en/corp/d/bios/leadership-lawrence-tu.aspx

Chinese parents wouldn't keep doing this if it led to failure.

[Henry]

From the commentary:

As a responsibility to herself as a "superior Chinese mother", I think Amy Chua should do a bit of research outside her comfort zone and help readers understand why Asian-American females have one of the highest rates of suicide in the U.S. -- I bet many of you didn't know that. I didn't until after the fact. It'd make a good follow up book to this one she's currently profiting from.

This from the same person quoted in the second post.

[artmonkforHOF]

Oh this should go over well, since every parent in the World loves to be told that they are raising their kids wrong and here is the correct way to do it.

And whats with the hate for gym and drama? I can understand drama, since the grading is subjective, but gym? why do they not have to be good at gym? If you say drama is not important, then neither should art since the grading is subjective as well, as is most of English.