Girl, Life Trouble: Need Advice (ULTRA MEGA MERGED)

[Bacon]

Hey. I've been a regular here for several years now, but I've never really asked for advice. It's doubly strange because I have such a respect for a number of posters here, not merely regarding football, but politically and beyond. The Extremeskins net is so vast that it has indeed caught a number of prizes, and even the garbage is at least fun before the NNT. I do love this place, and feel proud to follow a franchise with such a powerful fanbase. Obviously, we wouldn't be here without it.

Now that I've attempted to get in your good graces, I've had a really bad night, and wish to share the last few months leading up to it in order to frame the situation properly. Bad isolated crap happens every day. But it's tough to tell when the straw has broken the camel when the painkiller of love is pumping strong, so I need a different perspective.

To put it simply, I'm starting to wonder if I should walk away.

I've been with this girl for a year and a half now. We were friends for a long time prior to that, but one night it seemed right and we decided to give a serious relationship a try. Facts to know:

• This is my first relationship
  
• We met on the internet
  
• It was, for all intents and purposes, her first serious relationship as well
  

From the get-go, it was fairly obvious that we had a lot working against us. The fact is, I didn't even love her the moment it all started, and I'm fairly certain she didn't love me. But love blossomed quickly, and within three weeks I was already smitten to such a degree that we talked to fewer other people each day. We would talk for 10 hours a day sometimes. Holy ****, those were good times. I'd never been happier. Truth is, none of it meant anything substantial, because we hadn't faced any significant obstacles (other than meeting in person, which was a rough but overall fulfilling experience that solved a lot of questions and was more of a benefit than a setback).

Then last summer came. I hadn't been so depressed in many, many years. With a self-diagnosed case of depersonalization disorder, I vacationed in Britain for two weeks in order to get my head together. All I could think about was her, and I'm amazed that she stuck by me. When we made it through that, I knew we could last. I came back from the brink last fall and little happened for some time.

Now I'm living with her. In May, I packed my bags and left home to live with she and her family. We're engaged. Fact is, I'm in it deep right now. I love her with all my heart, but I'm ****ed if things don't turn out. And you have no idea how awful it makes me feel to think of this relationship in those terms.

That brings me to tonight. For the past week I've been home on vacation prior to my first tenure at Indiana's Valparaiso University, and I've been pretty miserable. Yeah, it's home, but my childhood was pretty crappy. To top it off, a once good friend of mine (about 13 years now) is even less communicative than usual, and I'm about to pack up and go in a couple of days. I'm not entirely sure if I want to tell him that I'm done with him for good, or to just deal with the fact that he's always been a flake. This whole paragraph is a Freudian slip, so I digress. It's been an all-around crappy week.

Tonight, it's another discussion about money. There's not enough of it. I'm not trying hard enough to get a job (6 applications all summer is admittedly not that much, but it's not as if I haven't tried at all). She's sick, she's tired, she can't stand the things I do. The problem is that, prior to tonight, she's never told me that. I've stressed since the beginning that I want us to communicate, and it's just not happening. This whole laundry list of problems rolls out, and by the end, I wonder why she hasn't put me out of my misery yet. It wouldn't be a problem if she had mentioned even one of these issues in passing ever, but that's asking too much. To talk.

And then she breaks up with me. Probably because I didn't go out of my way to console her when she said she wanted to kill herself. Possibly because she was just that hysterical. But most probably she wanted to get a rise out of me, because she went right back to talking about marriage within the hour. ****ing hell.

So there you go. Tonight, it all fell right onto the table. It was incredible just how badly the conversation went. There was absolutely nothing I said that could help, it merely tumbled downward. She has no respect for me, she insinuated that she doesn't find me terribly attractive, and, most importantly, she hid all of this from me until an opportune moment of weakness. Also, this is probably the third time she's "broken up with me," and that is, frankly, what hurts the most. I don't take her seriously anymore. Her tears hurt me, but not as deeply as they once did. I really think this relationship is damaged beyond repair, and I didn't even know it.

However, the stakes are a lot higher than this being just a girl I'm interested in. I've moved, I've been accepted, I've paid my deposit, and now I have nowhere to live. Oh, sure, I could stay at home, my parents would love that, but it would be such a backward step from what I managed over my three months away. It would be a retreat. At the same time, yeah, it's damn tempting. I don't even want to see her right now. I don't want to go back to her emotional bullcrap, her drama, her skill at destroying everything that works. But, dammit, I love her, and this is just one night. One awful night that grounded me horribly, but it's still just one night.

I just have no idea what to do. Her pattern of behavior is damaging, but we are under a lot of stress right now (cell phone will probably get turned off tomorrow). I really, REALLY want to make this work. But I'm just scared that the high stakes have tainted something simple and beautiful. Something that brought so much joy to my life. I really love her, and I think I would lose a great partner if I said I was through. But God, she's bat**** sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for reading, commenting, whatever. I really just needed to punch this out with my keyboard instead of someone else.

[RLeVan]

Hate to hear a fellow ES'er having such a hard time. I only have a few words of advice.

1. Give it a few days to cool down before talking to her again.

2. A job is a job. Flipping burgers is better than sitting at home.(swallow your pride and you'll be a better man for it. It's an interim job until you get a hit on your resume).

3. Every relationship has it's rough times. Communication is key. When you talk to her, tell her how you feel and what you want as you are now. Don't try to live up to a standard that isn't you.

best of luck to you.

[Landryslegend]

O.k Bacon,......I have a pretty good track record of saying alot of things tongue in cheek, but Im going to play it straight with you without pulling any punches, its the only way I know when im being serious....

Truth of the matter is.........relationship wise, nobody really knows what they want at 19. Nobody. They may THINK they do, heck....we all did, but they dont. At 19 years old you have your whole life ahead of you, all the best parts. Dont screw it up. The decisions you make NOW have a way of effecting your future, even the small decisions. Take some time to think things thru, do what makes YOU happy and sets you on your best future coarse. Ask advise from your parents, older brothers/sisters, friends..........experience is invaluable, they have been there/ done that. THEY KNOW. Trust me Bro..........as bad as things may SEEM right now the reality of the situation is that things are not nearly as bad as you have allowed yourself to THINK they are.

Furthermore,.....and I know you probably dont want to hear this, but........stay away from online relationships. Way too easy for someone to pretend to be something they are not. Real relationships NEED to be grounded in reality and for the most part your going to find anything but reality online. Just the truth of it.

Lastly,.......relationships cannot be FORCED, no matter what. Just doesnt work. You need to be with her because you WANT to be and she needs to be with you because she wants to be. NO other reason can work, it will only prolong the suffering. Things like where will you live, or money, or anything else should never play a factor in if you want to continue the relationship or not.

Take some time away, have some fun, if its meant to be, its meant to be, if it isnt...........in the end you will be BETTER OFF for it even if it doesnt seem that way right now.

Good luck.

[joeknows]

well.... i guess i get to be the ass.

ok man... its not "just one night". this is the third time she has broken up with you. and for her to hold back and not communicate before dumping all this on you at one time is a sure sign there is an issue.

to continue to go on and say that she isnt that attracted to you is just down right mean and spiteful. no need to hurt someones feelings or damage their self esteem.

whatever you are getting from her in this relationship now.... imagine what it would be like if you married her and she had some actual "leverage".

dump her and find a girl that is truly "into" you!

ps. or you could get a job ya bum!

[TimmySmith]

If your age is accurate then you have had a significant experience and the rest of your life ahead of you. She probably came to that realization a while ago.

I would suggest that you get to college asap and find a room and a job that will carry you through the school year. Good luck.

[Mark The Homer]

...

Hate to interrupt, but dude, you need to take a look at the rules (no wonder you're on NNT).

11. Please do not use the “Quote” feature to quote pictures, large blocks of text or embedded YouTube videos.

It wastes space and unnecessarily extends and clutters threads.

[Landryslegend]

Thanx Mark.....fixed it.

[Forehead]

As someone else has said, you're 19 years old, and I'm assuming she's a similar age. You're awfully young to be jumping into the sort of commitment you described. Secondly, I won't dump on you about the online thing. I met my future wife eight years ago, during the last year of college, before things like facebook or match.com really existed as they do now. Online dating wasn't as prevalent but I understand it's a pretty big thing now, I'm just not familiar with it. I do believe that face to face contact is preferable when getting to know someone, but that's just a personal opinion.

Anyway, without knowing personal feelings, etc, this would be my advice based solely on what you've written here.

1. Move out. She seems erratic and you might be better off having a place of your own to go to when you both need to cool off. If you don't like the idea of living at home, get a part time job (stay in school) and find a roommate or two so you can rent a cheap room near your college.

2. If things don't work out, and frankly, I can't imagine staying with anyone who would verbally break me down, then don't worry about it. You're 19. Join a gym, go running, do things to occupy your time and feel better about yourself, and take advantage of the opportunity in front of you.

You're going to Valparaiso. Five minutes of searching has shown me the following things.

- It has about 4,000 students.

- The school is 52% female, so the odds are in your favor.

- There is a college of nursing there. JACK! POT!

- It's got some catholic tendencies, and depending on the type of catholic girls there...double jackpot.

You're doing fine man. Don't let this girl bust you down, there are plenty of others, and I just proved it with some quick research. If you don't like the idea of restaurants, join a temp agency or two and do cheap office jobs for cash.

[Kosher Ham]

But it's tough to tell when the straw has broken the camel when the painkiller of love is pumping strong, so I need a different perspective.

A comment like this indicates clearly that you know it is more than one night.

To put it simply, I'm starting to wonder if I should walk away.

She booted you 3 times now. You should have been long gone at this point.

We would talk for 10 hours a day sometimes. Holy ****, those were good times. I'd never been happier. Truth is, none of it meant anything substantial, because we hadn't faced any significant obstacles (other than meeting in person, which was a rough but overall fulfilling experience that solved a lot of questions and was more of a benefit than a setback).

Are you positive that those ten hours a day couldn't have been spent on something more productive?

We're engaged.

At 19 ? What are you thinking ? Seriously.

Tonight, it's another discussion about money. There's not enough of it. I'm not trying hard enough to get a job (6 applications all summer is admittedly not that much, but it's not as if I haven't tried at all). She's sick, she's tired, she can't stand the things I do.

I have the feeling you just never listened to her in the past.

She has no respect for me, she insinuated that she doesn't find me terribly attractive, and, most importantly, she hid all of this from me until an opportune moment of weakness. Also, this is probably the third time she's "broken up with me," and that is, frankly, what hurts the most. I don't take her seriously anymore.

You won't take her seriously ? You admit she doesnt find you attractive, or respect you. Get on your tricycle and hit the road.

I don't want to go back to her emotional bullcrap, her drama, her skill at destroying everything that works.

But you don't work. So it's not her destroying your relationship.

Anyway, thanks for reading, commenting, whatever. I really just needed to punch this out with my keyboard instead of someone else.

You are welcome. To me it seems like these problems have been a long time coming and you just didn't pay enough attention.

Questions: Does she work ? Is she in school ? Who foots the bills at the parents house ? Do you go to school ? Do you contribute in any way to the relationship or living situation ?

[TheLongshot]

I'm not sure if your relationship has been mostly a long distance one, but if it has been, it is certainly easier to stay together when you don't have to deal with each other on a day-to-day basis. It masks a lot of potential problems.

Really, you don't know anything about your relationship until you have to deal with each other regularly face-to-face.

[dockeryfan]

It sounds like both of you need to learn about being in a relationship.

But so what? There isn't a poster on here that didn't crew up a relationship or two when they were 19. You learn and don't do the same thing again. If that's something you did, great. You won't do it again, or at least you learn why you did it in the first place. If it's just not finding some crazy broad that can't tell you what she wanted, then dumps it on you all at once, then great with that as well. You won't get in a relationship with that kind of crazy again. At least you hope.

[TMK9973]

ahhh young love.....

ok - Here is my tough love...

1st - Get over the "Whoa is me". As long as you THINK your life and circumstances suck...they WILL suck. I know, i know, this is SOOOO different. You live with her, your child hood sucked....Here is what I read.

Teenagers fell in love, acted like 18 and 19 years olds (Learning who they want to be, not communicating, etc...) and grew apart but afraid to admit it until it boils over.

Sucks. And I know you wont not talk to her for the next few days, you won't just walk away, or change, or whatever...

Start with stop feeling sorry for yourself. Then figure out what you are going to do today, tommorow, and next week (Where to live. Folks for a little while is not bad. your 19, you can change the realtionship). Get a job, get a plan.

You will fall in love again soon....

[Mursilis]

Let's see what he have here -

You say you're both young, in first relationships for both of you, neither of you have any serious direction in life yet (which is natural, because you're both young), and you both have mental health issues (you said she tried to kill herself?). There is no way in Hades you should get married. You both need to take some time apart to get your heads straight, and to focus on entering that stage of life we call adulthood - getting an education, a job, some stability, etc. THEN you can think about getting married. Best wishes at accomplishing all that!

[Kosher Ham]

It sounds like both of you need to learn about being in a relationship.

But so what? There isn't a poster on here that didn't screw up a relationship or two when they were 19. You learn and don't do the same thing again.

Some of us are still learning. I learn new stuff all the time.

Thing is at 19, I had zero interest in a long term serious relationship. I was in school, working, and partying.

Even at 21, I had a different perspective, but still was not mentally ready to settle down.

Some people marry their HS sweethearts, and I commend them and respect that. But not that many meet the one at that age. You have to give yourself time to mature and get situated in life.

[Corcaigh]

Get an education, get a job, don't commit when you both are clearly not ready and still growing up.

t5opKxSNwFI

before this will apply:

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[zoony]

Corcaigh has it right. At your age, you need to be worrying about yourself. Everything should be second to that.

[Kosher Ham]

it is certainly easier to stay together when you don't have to deal with each other on a day-to-day basis.

Tell that to the guys and girls on all of these reality shows.

I think most people (non-reality show) would say it is harder, not easier.

[Peeping Wizard]

Corcaigh has it right. At your age, you need to be worrying about yourself. Everything should be second to that.

Great advice. Before you are ready to fully commit and give all of yourself to a spouse and (presumably) children, you need some "me" time. You need to get your head straight, get an education and get some career-related direction. Once you get to that point (usually in the mid-20s but sometimes later), then you are ready to start thinking about a serious commitment.

The good news is you don't have to be a monk during that period. You can continue to see this girl or other girls. You can get to know yourself better and in the process of getting to know yourself you will figure out what you want in a mate.

Everybody has a crazy relationship story or two. Don't let that get you down.

[Spanky22]

Bacon, it already sounds like you know what you need to do. You two arent compatible. That doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with either of you. It just means that you wont work as a long term relationship. The fact that you have broken up 3 times is telling. It isnt just this one night. The relationship itself just doesnt work. If you are having this many issues before you get married, please, for your own sake, dont marry her.

You are both young. You will both find other people. Its gonna suck for a while, but you need to end this one and move on. Its not healthy for either of you and you would both be better off not in a relationship with the other. Do it for yourself and for her.

[sacase]

get out and fast. everything you said is more than enough of a reason for you to be gone. Its just not going to work, the faster you realize that, the better off you will be. your 19....go home! relax and enjoy less stress and les tension.

One thing that I noticed is that you said she don't respect you. You need to look at that and really examine why she said that. As a man, that is the worst thing that a woman can tell you, that she don't respect you. If she is telling you that, then other women will and when that happens its like blood in the water, the sharks will circle.

[tone_dubbz]

Corcaigh has it right. At your age, you need to be worrying about yourself. Everything should be second to that.

I co-sign to that. At 19, you need to focus on building a foundation for yourself. I know it sounds like a cliche, but damm if it ain't true.

I remember when I was that age. Juggling a relationship while working and going to college. All that drama that comes with a relationship, I still kept my priorities in order and was able to finish and get my degree all while dealing with these crazy ass chicks.

And plus at that age, you don't want to marry a girl. You need to mature a little, and find you a WOMAN to settle down with.

[Sticksboi05]

Well, as someone right at your age I'll tell you what I think of the situation:

a) Third time? - if it looks, walks and acts like a duck...man it's a duck. I'd give her a bit to cool off but life is long, you'll find someone else. It's not worth clinging to something with no real substance. She clearly isn't that "into" you. Don't through your heart at someone who really isn't into it also.

At some point, people get sick of eachother or at least get annoyed with each other. Whether it be for a very small time or long-term, that is another question but when you hang out that much and shun everyone else, at some point people, even if they aren't trying, find something to dislike about one another.

c) Don't get engaged now man; finish school before you start thinking about the rest of your life. It'll be alot easier in any relationship to have a steady career going. You must have really liked her to make such a big decision but you know what, in the end, this is probably for the best. Engagement at 19 is just not that wise to me. I know even if I loved someone right now, it wouldn't be fair to either of us if we tied down now.

d) Stay strong; we're only a quarter through our lives; we have plenty of time. It's ok to be disappointed this didn't apparently work out but don't let it control you or you'll miss other opportunities.

[Bacon]

Alright, that's about what I expected to hear. Thanks. Deep down, I know that I need to stand up for myself here. If things are going to work out (and I have a feeling that the chances of that are very slim), it needs to happen on my terms. She is a little older than me, and I think that has had a part to play in me delegating some of the decision-making onto her. Fact is, she told me last night to start respecting myself more, to be more decisive, and then it won't be a question of respect. That's damn good advice. I'm just not sure whether it's too late to exercise it with this woman.

As to what I'm going to do today, I'm going to try to relax and enjoy my last couple of days home, I'm going to let her cool down, and when it all feels right, I'll be honest and tell her that I can't be with a woman that feels the way she said she feels about me last night. Either what she said is the truth and it needs to end, or she was talking out of her ass and she needs help. Either way, I don't really see myself with her right now. It would take the apology of a lifetime. And, honestly, I want that more than anything, because cutting someone out of my life that I've known for 2 years is going to hurt like hell. And, unlike her 10 minute breakups, this would be for real.

Re: jobs, neither of us worked this summer. She couldn't get a job either. Most of the bills were either paid through savings or good timing. I still have no idea how we did it. But no, while I have surely been lazy, I wasn't the only one sitting on my ass. She has only acquired a job within the past 2 weeks, and now I'm being treated as if I simply don't have an interest in supplying for us. Prior to that, she seemed ecstatic she could land anything. The thought that me landing a job would "solve" everything makes my skin crawl, because my mother's thought process was identical with my father: "if you have money, I can put up with your crap." It all works harmoniously, I realize; money is always going to be a focal point, and if that's alleviated, it makes communication in other areas so much easier. But I'm starting to get the feeling that's all she's interested in, if she's getting this hysterical over one overdue cell phone bill.

[renaissance]

1. You are 19.

2. "When we made it through that, I knew we could last." - You need to stop focusing on the past, and the fact that you guys have been through so much or that she stuck by you through a very tough time. Those things are awesome and you should be grateful to have had her in your life, but YOU DO NOT OWE HER OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP ANYTHING. If you two are not completely and utterly happy with each other at this point in your lives, then you should not be together. You will be doing nothing but wasting time, energy, and emotion.

3. Moving in with your parents is not backstepping. In this case it would actually be a smart move and you should consider yourself lucky that it's even an option, especially if you can go to school/job search while you live there. Now if you move in with them and spend all your days playing video games/surfing ES/sleeping in, then you'd be backstepping.

4. I know it's been said, but you are 19. You have a lot of life to live and you should not be tied down to anything or anyone at this point, especially if it causes this much stress.

[MisterPinstripe]

As to what I'm going to do today, I'm going to try to relax and enjoy my last couple of days home, I'm going to let her cool down, and when it all feels right, I'll be honest and tell her that I can't be with a woman that feels the way she said she feels about me last night. Either what she said is the truth and it needs to end, or she was talking out of her ass and she needs help. Either way, I don't really see myself with her right now. It would take the apology of a lifetime.

Why do you have to break up with her unless she apologizes? I am sure you have things you should apologize for as well. Talk it out, try to communicate and be clear, and if that doesn't work THEN move on.

Obviously she has not handled things well, but I am pretty certain that you need to step up as well. If you want to work it out, actually try to work it out rather than demanding an apology.

Getting her to respect you does not mean not admitting you are wrong, but rather being firm and strong in what you see and what you think is right and wrong. As well as being understanding and humble about areas you may be wrong.

Hope it goes well.