Girl, Life Trouble: Need Advice (ULTRA MEGA MERGED)

[Bacon]

Obviously she has not handled things well, but I am pretty certain that you need to step up as well. If you want to work it out, actually try to work it out rather than demanding an apology.

I'm sorry, I phrased that wrong. An apology isn't what I'm looking for, so much as clear-headed honesty. If she truly feels the way she does, there's no need for an apology. It's just the way it is, and I'll need to move on. If she was upset and going out of her way to hurt me, that's a different story. But even then, we've all lashed out at times. Hell, I've done it. There were times last night I was extremely sarcastic and hurtful. I did apologize for that though, by the end of the night.

The last thing I wanted out of this thread was an excuse to indulge in self-pity, so thanks. There are few things less pitiable than a privileged young adult whining about women. :pfft:

[Brotherz]

First of all bacon, CONGRATULATIONS!! You have gone through your first relationship and that is a right of passage. Everyone on this board has some version of your story by the way. That's why they so easily tell you not to worry. They are certainly well intentioned and I am sure like we all did when we were your age you are listening thinking to yourself "they don't understand". We do. I know that won't really help you but we do.

I am a trained life coach when I am not doing my "day job" as an attorney. Go take a look at www.mymidlifecoach.blogspot.com . I generally coach mid-lifers but the principles are the same. I am going to spare you all the "don't worry about it, you're young" stuff and get to brass tacks. I am also not going to try to fix your relationship because believe it or not, the relationship is probably your smallest problem. It just has the highest emotional content to you (which says alot as well).

Like many of the wise sages on this board have already told you, your focus needs to get on your own life right now. {Restraining myself not to get too preachy or give you a lecture} - At 19 years old relationships are thought of as something that "completes you" or in some way makes you "whole". Movies, books and culture perpetuates this. I have an 8 year old daughter who I am convinced is still reeling from the lessons snow white taught her about the purpose of relationships. The reality is that relationships like this are not designed nor can they do anything to make you "whole" nor are you incomplete in any way without one. You are completely whole already. When you understand this, you go into a relationship with an eye toward what you can bring to it and your partner not on what you can get from it.

If I were working with you I would have you work on life design. YOUR life design. Certainly, relationships are a PART of that design but not the center of it.

Assess yourself in these areas:

Physical health - working out? Eating right? Sleeping enough? This is a foundation of any life design. Health is key to everything else.

Relationships - Not A relationship. I am talking your parents, your friends, your co-workers etc. Often (especially the first one in your teen years) every other relationship suffers because you found "love". Real love doesn't do that. Real love spreads itself into all your other relationships and makes them better. If you have neglected your other relationships in favor of this one, do an inventory and start making specific goals for rebuilding and enhancing those other relationships.

Physical environment - Are you living in clutter? Are you organized. Do you have a daily plan for your life? Is your car clean? Do you have a desk that you are working from? Are your bills all in one place and organized? Have a calendar?

Leisure - Are you stressing all the time or are you finding time to exercise your passions? Going to skins games, playing sports, hobbies etc. A life filled with what you are passionate about brings out the best in your.

Finances - Sounds like this is an issue for you. Have a budget? Where are income opportunities. Are you thinking you are above waiting tables? You need to have an income from somewhere and you need to be focused on where your money is going? Let go of the pride by the way. If you need to go home, go home - but not to sit around on your parents dime, but graciously, with humility accept the gift of your parents and use it as a launching pad for the life you DESIGN. Everything should be intentional. What do you want? ask that question and answer it BEFORE you consider the "how". "How" can kill your dreams before they take shape. Dream first then think about how. Step by step. The first thing that separates the joy of children from the misery of adults is the adult's concept of "realism". They stop dreaming. Ask a kid what they will be when they grow up and you might hear everything from pro ball player to astronaut. No worries with "how" they get there. Take a step back for a moment. What are you passionate about? What gets you going. Whatever it is, you can make money in it.

Personal growth - What are you learning right now? We are living organisms - if we aren't growing , we are just dying. Your 19. Your mind is focused on the loss of your first relationship. Move your mind to growth. Learn something you've always wanted to learn. Learn a new language. Investigate that religion that always intrigued you. Take a beginner's investors class. Learn brazilian ju jitsu. Whatever tickles your fancy - get learning!!

World impact - Missions work, charity, soup kitchens, Haite, Katrina, the list goes on forever. You don't live in a fish bowl alone. You have something to offer. Make a difference. Now. It doesn't matter how small the gesture. Focusing your efforts on those less fortunate than you breeds gratitude and perspective. It nourishes your soul.

Ok. There's a lot more to life design but that should keep you pre-occupied for now. Focus on designing your life and THEN when it is all in place, look for someone to share yourself with. You are complete. You are whole. You don't need anyone to "fix" you or make your life worth living. You need to design your life intentionally. . .then, share it.

Lastly, spend the first 15 minutes every morning and the last 15 minutes every evening being grateful. Write it out. What are you grateful for? And if you are having any trouble coming up with things, make it 30 minutes twice a day because at 19 in your situation you have A TON to be grateful for.

If there is anything I can do for you let me know. Shoot me a PM and I will be happy to give you a free session as well. It may help you get some clarity in this situation. It would be my honor to help.

My best to you my friend.

[Captain Wiggles]

Go back to school and stay there as long as you can. Forget the job/girl go out and have some fun.

http://www.livenation.com/browse?category=10001&root=10001&tm_link=tm_homeA_header_allshows

[abdcskins]

Yo dude I only scanned your post, read the important parts. You are obviously a smart kid. Take a couple days and have some introspective thought. How important is this girl to you? What are your priorities?

This is such a minor bump I can't even begin to tell you. I've felt the same way you have in the past multiple times. But time heals. There are other things out there that other posters have mentioned. Frankly, this girl sounds a little too high strung and I think you could do better, Mr. Bacon! Best of luck. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea.

[Thanos]

I'm surprised her folks let you move in. Never ,ever live with a woman and her family. That will strip away your manhood.

Lots of great advice given. As my late grandmother would say "pray on it" and see what happens.

[Teller]

A little advice from experience. You cannot live your life, especially at your age, trying to make someone else happy. Get to a place in life that you love; and most importantly love yourself.

If you kill yourself trying to please her, she'll find something else to ***** about. And eventually she'll still end up dissatisfied again, and leave for good. Then you're stuck, not only without her, but with a YOU that you don't like. Trust me, my man. You do NOT want to be there.

And I understand loving someone so much that you're blind to this kind of stuff. I once was in the same position, and I lost the person who meant more to me than anything on this earth. It nearly killed me. Literally. But looking back, it needed to happen. I'm a better person because of it. I've learned to love and appreciate who I am, flaws and all. And I realize now, that there's someone out there who will feel the same way about me, and not try to change me.

It's not easy. Losing someone you truly love is a lot like dealing with a death in your life. You hurt, you grieve, you go through all of the stages. But eventually you heal. And just like a physical scar, you heal stronger than you were before.

And finally, you're 19. Your ENTIRE life is ahead of you. Play the field, live it up, and when you find the one that you don't want to live without (who feels the same way, and doesn't want to change you) lock that **** down for good.

Good luck.

[kramdizzle]

I feel your pain. I went through the same thing sort of thing a while back (admittedly, not as bad as yours). You have to make a choice: is she worth it? Does she really love you, or is she trying to get rid of you? Can you really see yourself being happy with her? Does she respect you? You’re 19, that’s only a year out of high school and IMO too young to be engaged because you don’t know what the world has in store for you. Like I said my wife (fiancé at the time of our problems) and I had a real rough few months and on a few occasions I seriously considered ending it. We worked through it and are very happy now, currently expecting our first child in November. I don’t know what life has in store for your relationship just figured I’d share my story.

[Bacon]

Thank you so much, everyone, for the support. It means so much, and this outpouring of great advice is an example of why I chose to make this thread here in the first place.

I really don't know right now if she's the one. I was 100% certain before I came home, and I'm trying not to let my instincts get thrown off by a bad few days, but it's inevitable. And justified. I have an interview scheduled for a new job on Thursday, and she had a night out with her family that really cheered her up, and now the lines of communication are wide open, so that's some great news. How I choose to use those lines over the next few days remains to be seen, but rest assured that it will be productive. There are a lot of questions I need answers to before I step any further, and I have time to ask them. She's open to me asking them. If we split, I want it to be a mutual decision, not to have our relationship totaled out of the blue. And now there's an opportunity for the former to happen, so I'm happy. And, who knows, maybe we will be able to work it out and continue on a fulfilling relationship. That's my hope, the best case scenario.

[Sticksboi05]

Good luck man. Hope it all works out. But really, don't get engaged, this is supposed to be the fun time of our life!

[RVAbrendan]

the ole white whale...

there's been some great advice in this thread, so no need to rehash. but honestly, after the first (and second) break up, that should have sent you for the hills. When I was about your age, I was dating a girl, we broke up, and dated again. the problems were still there, and ultimately didn't work out.

just break up, be miserable for a little bit, hang with friends, and realize that you're ONLY 19!!!

[brianm23]

Bacon,

Cheer up my good man. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and I empathize with you in this situation. When I was your age, I was smitten by my first love, and it was absolutely horrible trying to shake her out of my mind when the time came that the relationship ended. I'm old and wise now, and I can tell you that if I could go back in time and change thing, this is exactly what I would do.

1) Not date anybody seriously until I was out of college and stable financially

2) Date as many and as much as you can.

3) Enjoy life more.

4) Did I mention date as often and as much as I could?

You know, being tied down at that early age, you tend to miss the things that most guys your age do. I think right now, you are putting yourself into a bad situation to say the least. You've gone from Step A (meeting) to Step M (moving in) and skipping all the other steps in between. The fact you are engage is also troubling. I'll give you some stats.

http://www.divorcerate.org/

Be smart and do the right thing.

[Kosher Ham]

Bacon, this chick must have really put it on you.

I don't get how you would feel this strongly about a girl that you know does not feel the same about you.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

Can't really add much but good luck with this situation. I hope it works out so that you're happy and can feel like you made the best decision for yourself. Remember, theoretically, you're making a decision that could impact the next 80 years of your life...please don't take that lightly. I'm not leading you down a path, but it's easier to walk away from an engagement than a marriage, a family with kids, etc.