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Aging parents


Elessar78

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My mom just came in for a visit this weekend. She lives about 5 hours away and just turned 70 this year. 

 

Any others here relocated to be closer to an aging parent? She does not need care yet, but seeing her this time made me realize that she is showing her age a bit. 

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You're a good "kid" to do that. 

 

We were talking about my step dad last night, how he goes to visit his kids and grandkids (who live in Europe) and he gets frustrated that they don't have time to extensively to hang out with him when he visits. I mean, they spend time but he almost wants exclusive time with them. 

 

I just wonder if moving closer to my mom wouldn't have the same effect—closer but with two kids and life being busy not sure if we'd see her only a little more than we do now. 

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My mom has always been local. My dad lives on the west coast. He turned 60 this year, he's had heart surgery and had a stroke almost 5 years ago that left his right arm paralyzed. I fear that he will pass and I'll be sad because I didn't get more time with him.

That said, my livelihood is here. I can't just pack up and move to the Bay Area on a whim. All my friends and other family are here. Hopefully sometime in the future my dad and step mom move to this area.

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Its the right thing to do to take care of agin parents. It's sad how many senior citizens I deal with via the church that are either neglected , seen as a burden, or taken advantage of by their children. One I know had his daughter (an officer of the court no less!) take out credit cards in his name, use his vehicle as collateral on a loan, and switched his prescription pain pills with Tylenol to feed her habits.

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Mom just told me this weekend that when they visit us in Denver this summer, they're going to be looking at condos downtown. I think breath cancer had her saying "well **** this, I'm going to go live near my baby boy" lol

Left home at 18, and have been at least 500+ miles away from my parents for the last 14 years. I'm used to only seeing them once a year. It would be so nice to have them local again, I miss 'em.

what is it about moms?

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Mom and Dad are local, but they want to yo back to Florida. They have a 2nd house in Sarasota. Dad is 72 and Mom is 68. Relatively good health. Mom had a mini-stroke last year that scared us.

I'm going to be on my own soon, so I guess I'll have more time to visit. But I have to take them in small doses. Been getting that way for years.

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Yeah, my parents are local and I make sure I'm there for them too. Both are doing pretty well. Went through this issue big time when my grandmother went into her decline. One thing I always tell folks as they begin this route is that in order to be truly selfless you must be a little selfish. You don't need this advice yet, but when/if things get rough make sure you leave yourself opportunity to do things that recharge your batteries and give you some happiness. You can get consumed and really worn down in taking care of a parent esp. because many times issues continue to decline.

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Yeah, my parents are local and I make sure I'm there for them too. Both are doing pretty well. Went through this issue big time when my grandmother went into her decline. One thing I always tell folks as they begin this route is that in order to be truly selfless you must be a little selfish. You don't need this advice yet, but when/if things get rough make sure you leave yourself opportunity to do things that recharge your batteries and give you some happiness. You can get consumed and really worn down in taking care of a parent esp. because many times issues continue to decline.

Its not really selfish if you take reasonable steps to ensure you can provide good care for them over the long haul. Its often a marathon.

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Its not really selfish if you take reasonable steps to ensure you can provide good care for them over the long haul. Its often a marathon.

I don't disagree. It's just my shorthand.  It can feel selfish though when you take time out to see a movie or go to a restaurant when you know your loved one is suffering, but as you said, it's not.

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It's scary how you look up one day and see your grandparents when you look at your parents

For most of us I think our image of mom and dad is ingrained when we are 8 years old, and your dad is the strongest, smartest person in existence and your mom is the one who can do anything. That image stays with us I think much longer than it should, until one day around your 40th birthday you realize your parents quirks aren't really quirks anymore, they're signs of old age.

I used to say getting high was exaggerating your personality. smoke a joint and that's you, except x10. Whatever personality you had sober came out ten fold high

I sort of think that getting old is the same thing. All those little quirks that your parents had for most of your life, they've gone from quirks to "things". Forgetfulness, entrenched political beliefs, strong opinions, overly trusting, whatever it might be. Those all come to the forefront of their personality

A fun exercise is to think how you'll be :)

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My parents are getting up there as well, but both are in good health.  They're actually moving away to be near the beach, and I guess they feel like they'll be able to take care of themselves for a good while.  (And by any reasonably metric one would have to say they're right.)

 

Edit: And I totally agree zoony.  I've thought about what I'm going to be like when I'm 70 now and then.  God willin' and the creek don't rise.

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never moved far away.....getting old sucks

 

mine are dead ,but still take care of the in law and step father to keep them out of the warehouses (both are in the homestretch)

I think this thread is meant more for your kids than for you!

 

I left the Army and moved back "home" for this very reason.  I miss the Army but was the best decision I have ever made.

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Interesting timing, we just attended the funeral for my wife's step father Friday and spent yesterday w/ her mom getting things settled, packed, rearranged etc. as she moves on. She'll be 84 this spring and is, as she said, facing "being a widow for the second time". We've already been lending a hand where possible, and I expect that to increase somewhat now as she has decided to stay in their home by herself. The family has been discussing it and has taken steps to assemble a network of friends and contacts to keep touch w/ her and give her support to enable her decision. Along these lines I am absolutely obliged to mention this group, https://www.lorishands.org. It's a volunteer group of local college students that help aging seniors in any way they can, they are the most remarkably dedicated bunch of young'uns I have ever seen. Can't say enough good things about them, and that's coming from an "old man yells at cloud" kinda guy doesn't rave about anyone easily or often.

 

 

It's a question of priorities or simple will, everyone's busy with life but sometimes you just have to bump things to the head of the list. You either genuinely care enough to express it through action or go through the motions and do very little. I'm not "that" guy and besides, I sincerely like her mom and we get along famously so in a "you gotta do whatcha gotta do" vein I'll be remodding her bath, moving furniture in and out, doing some needed repairs etc. this year.

 

And in a snide aside, we were offended and outright pissed off that one of the grandkids has already swooped in to see what they can score, I expect some fireworks there but looking out for her interests financially and materially looks like it will be on the list as well.

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My dad has dementia, thought Sarah Palin was worth voting for. He's always been a very liberal minister, like ASF. Always believed in church/state separation. Now he's nothing like what he was. He believes what anyone says, and backs it up!

As long as I can keep him talking about sports, which hopefully can be forever, I'll keep from getting frustrated. (He remembers the Subway Series of '69 like it was yesterday, remembers our first Orioles game, and Joe Theismann is still one of the most blessed souls on Earth.)

HTTR!

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I think this thread is meant more for your kids than for you!

 

I left the Army and moved back "home" for this very reason.  I miss the Army but was the best decision I have ever made.

You're saying that life in the Army is better than living with your parents? :)

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You're saying that life in the Army is better than living with your parents? :)

Well I don't actually live with my parents. I moved back to the broader definition of home...a nice 30 mile buffer:)

I noticed my parents aging. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed within the first 12 months of me being back here. I would've never been able to be here with him and the rest of my family had i not moved on from the army

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