E-Dog Night Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 As you may have heard, Joseph Ratzinger - aka Pope Benedict XVI - will retire soon. I honestly did not know that was an option; the last time it happened was in 1415, and I only sort of remember that. As mentioned in my previous Pope Mock Draft thread, any Catholic Cardinal between the ages of 65-80 can be elected; however there are only a select few, known as the preferiti, that have the support and reputation to be the next ruler of the Holy See. Here are the odds-on favorites, with some pertinent, 100% accurate information that will help amateur Catholics everywhere decide who they think would make the awesomest new Pope: Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi Born October 18, 1942 in Merate, Italy Height: 5' 10" Weight 215 lbs. 40 yard dash time: 21 minutes, 54 seconds Strengths: Scripted the winning TD pass on the cobblestones in St. Peter’s Square during the 1966 Vatican Bowl. Has great arm strength, can throw while on the move in the pope-mobile. Can take on double-teams from charging archbishops. Already owns a really nice Pope Hat. Weaknesses: Needs to improve on his pontificating. Seen as a great orator without experience, drawing lazy comparisons to Barack Obama. Played in a 3-4 congregation at seminary; might not fit with current 4-3 papal formation. Notable: Only papal candidate who is a licensed bartender. --- Cardinal Marc Ouellet Born June 8, 1944 in La Motte, Quebec (which is in some country named Canada, wherever that is) Height: 6' 0" Weight 202 lbs. 40 yard dash time: 1 minute flat Strengths: Winner of the “Hominus Dominus Maximus” trophy for outstanding bishoping at Ottawa State. Can make all the ministrations. Known as “The Quicker Vicar” due to his outstanding 40-yard dash time. Known as a "high ceiling" candidate who can be coached-up to dominate non-believers. Weaknesses: Is Canadian. Notable: Did 45 bench press reps at the papal combine. --- Cardinal Leonardo Sandri Born November 18, 1943 in Buenos Aires, Argentina Height: 5' 11" Weight 225 lbs. 40 yard dash time: 1 hour, 4 minutes, 13 seconds Strengths: A JuCo transfer, Sandri has recorded 116 conversions, 74 exorcisms and 9,011 Gregorian chants. Is a noted incense hawk. Out-dueled Satan in a Theremin-playing contest during a visit to Dallas in 1994. Has a knack for the big baptism. Weaknesses: Tends to get out of his stance early when preaching on the road. Motor described as “just ok” by some scouts, might take a blessing off here and there. Notable: Always gets other archbishops to fall for the old “pull my finger” trick during mass. --- Cardinal Angelo Scola, Archbishop of Milan Born November 7, 1941 in Malgrate, Italy Height: 5' 6" Weight 195 1/2 lbs. 40 yard dash time: 3 days, 5 hours, 11 minutes, 55 seconds Strengths: Blue chip papal prospect coming out of seminary. A natural chanter with the ability to preach sideline-to-sideline. Has a variety of swim and rip moves to move through the congregation. Weaknesses: Doesn’t know any Latin. Tends to freelance during sermons. Has some off-the-cathedral issues and has been in trouble with the Swiss Guard on more than one occasion. Notable: Was married to actress Kate Winslet in a surprise ceremony last December. --- Cardinal Angelo Bagnasco Born January 14, 1943 in Pontavico, Italy Height: 5' 7" Weight 179 lbs. 40 yard dash time: 7 minutes, 23 seconds Strengths: Super-smart, already like a pope on the field. Two-time All-Italian in the EBC (European Bishop Conference). Throw-back cardinal who will be a great presence in the Vatican locker room. Presides with an angry streak. Led the Pontavician Red Cusaders to a 13-5 record in 1958. Weaknesses: Conservative views may be out of synch with today’s pass-happy Catholic Church. Posted controversial Easter blessing to his Twitter account. Kinda sets your gaydar off a little when you look at him. Notable: Has a tattoo of Chris Simms’ likeness on his lower back. --- EDog's Pope pick: Angelo Scola Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Predicto Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I lolled. :applause: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lombardi's_kid_brother Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 This might be the greatest post in the history of this board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 This might be the greatest post in the history of this board. You are missing classics in the stadium right now lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Why are they wearing dresses? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan T. Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Pope-candidate look-a-like x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x Scola x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x Ted Kennedy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Sinister Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 :rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao: Awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ixcuincle Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Come on Canadian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skins4Life6388 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Where's Ray Lewis? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forehead Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Man, Italy is the Alabama of pope-ing. Three out of the five potential 1st overall picks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan T. Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I heard that Cardinal Bagnasco juices. His sacramental wine tested postive for HGH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Sinister Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Where's Ray Lewis? Most likely dropped to the 2nd round (character concerns) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skins4Life6388 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Most likely dropped to the 2nd round (character concerns) Haha good call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Pope-candidate look-a-like] Clearly Mike Martz My vote for pope.. Tom Cruise. Good looking, charismatic, and has experience. ~Bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corcaigh Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Most likely dropped to the 2nd round (character concerns) I thought that 'character concerns' were a requirement for the position? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick86L Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 A natural chanter with the ability to preach sideline-to-sideline. This line made me really . well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrypticVillain Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I was looking for somewhere to post this... From Kayfabe News Professional wrestler “Pope” D’Angelo Dinero spent this morning updating his resume in hopes of applying for the recently vacated job as leader of the Catholic church. “I love wrestling, but I’ve always wanted to be the Bishop of Rome and figurehead of Catholics worldwide,” said Dinero, who recently stepped away from TNA Wrestling in order to pursue more pious ambitions. Dinero announced his intention to “run for the papacy” after the surprise announcement that Pope Benedict would resign from his post due to worsening health. A veteran of World Wrestling Entertainment and TNA Wrestling, Dinero has been performing on the indy circuit lately, while also pursuing his PhD in Divinity via correspondence from DeVry. Dinero is confident he will be the first “Black Pope,” which is why he chose @DaBlackPope as his Twitter handle several years ago. “Mark my words: the Vatican will be my new home soon,” he tweeted. In response, Dinero’s close friend Brother Devon tweeted: “Testify” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulane Skins Fan Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I should probably know this, but are the people in the OP actually the real frontrunners? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E-Dog Night Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 I heard that Cardinal Bagnasco juices. His sacramental wine tested postive for HGH. "Body of Christ" my ass. Actually, that's the Blood of Christ, and man, everyone knows they're all doping. Does that make it ok for him to juice? Of course not. Just pointing it out. I should probably know this, but are the people in the OP actually the real frontrunners? Yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan T. Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Clearly Mike Martzhttp://img.spokeo.com/public/900-600/mike_martz_2006_09_24.jpg ~Bang Even better. Well done. :applause: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC9 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 This might be the greatest post in the history of this board. I agree. I've just called all of my Uncles to check this out. Hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DCranon21 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 This is why I love the tailgate. Threads like this makes the day go faster. Question, where is the African Cardinal in the Mock? He didn't crack the top five? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Predicto Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 This is why I love the tailgate. Threads like this makes the day go faster. Question, where is the African Cardinal in the Mock? He didn't crack the top five? No Rooney Rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrypticVillain Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 No Rooney Rule. HIYO!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistertim Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Man, Italy is the Alabama of pope-ing. Three out of the five potential 1st overall picks. Italy has a top notch pope recruitment system in place. You get what you pay for. ...That OP had me absolutely cracking up. I actually had to get up and close the door to my office before people started checking to see if I was ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.