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benskins26

My Wife Is Pregnant And I Think I Hate Her. Help!

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How can a woman who's been married 10 years and, apparently, isn't that active with their husband get pregnant "unexpectedly"?

 

Not to be harsh, but I call BS.  And this BS is probably at the root of the problem(s).

 

He said "Our sex life hasn't been stellar in a couple of years, but we've gotten to the point where we've maybe had sex 5 times in the last 8 months, and no times in the last 2. I hate to think that's my primary point of contention, but it is very frustrating. And I've told her as much."

 

The baby is 31 weeks, that means they were conceived approximately 8 months ago.  No sex the past two months, so they had sex around the time of conception.  And unexpected means exactly that, not planned.  Meaning, with their obvious ongoing problems they were not planning to make a baby.  And obviously they were not using any kind of preventative measures or she would not have gotten pregnant.  

 

It only takes one time.  A friend of mine told me that when her and her husband decided they wanted to start having kids that it happened the first time she was off the pill and trying.  One shot wonder.  It happens.  

 

I don't think you should imply that she is cheating on him, he's got enough problems to deal with.  And just because people have been married 10 years or a really long time doesn't mean the **** like rabbits lol.  I can't tell you how many friends I have that have told me their sex life is almost non-existent because of problems, or it lacks after having kids.  

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It sounds to me like you guys had issues prior to the pregnancy and the pregnancy just exacerbated things. You know I understand pregnancy can bring on changes but if she was withholding sex before the pregnancy thats a problem. I know men are supposed to be understanding of these things but I don't think some women understand the importance sex holds to men and to a healthy marriage.

 

It'd be nice for you guys to find a therapist other than hers so they can judge the situation fairly with no prior bias. I think she would appreciate that you might make the effort to find counseling

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I'm going to address the sex problem right off:  She's having a painful pregnancy and having sex adds to that pain.  As others have written, relieve yourself now and for the next few months.  She's going to be too tired after giving birth for a while also.

 

You also miss kissing, hugging, cuddling, and touching.  If you are going to use that as prelude to sex and have in the past, then she's not going to be receptive.

 

I'd sit down with her (not in the bedroom) and say you miss those things and since you know she's not feeling up to full blown sexual encounters, then could you both agree to kiss, hug, cuddle, and touch knowing that it won't lead to sex, at all.  She's probably missing those things too, just those things without it leading to something that gives her physical pain.  I'll bet you start getting those things, and you doing the same for her may help with the pain.  Unless she's sensitive to touch right now too.  But at least take sex off the table and I'm guess she'll be relieved.

 

As someone who has carried a baby, it's sometimes just all too much, especially when it's unexpected.  My last pregnancy was unexpected, and when I told the father, he decamped until after my daughter was born and then only visited twice.  So I know what it feels like to be abandoned just when you need someone the most.

 

Please let her know that you love her (as you've told us here) and that you know this is hard for you both, that you are nonetheless excited over the impending birth and are trying to help her as much as you can.  Then ask her what she needs, explicitly.  She may need something entirely different than what you suppose.  You've been doing a lot, and I'm sure she appreciates it, but may not be able to say that to you.

 

Your lives are going to change with a baby.  For the first several years, that child will be your priority.  But start making some date nights, some things you both enjoy doing, and don't make it a prelude to sex.  Then after a few months, start discuss your intimate life together.  And intimacy is not just about sex.  I'm guessing that you all have lost intimacy and that's the real problem with the no sex.  Women like to be wooed, and too often, once married, the wooing stops and then so does the intimacy.

 

Just my two cents.  I wish you both the safe delivery of your child, and joy to you and your wife.

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I hate to bring the bad news buuuttttt all my info from my friends that are fathers and mothers they all have said that the doctor tells them to have as much sex as possible (while the mother to be was pregnant) apparently its helpful somehow? I have no idea how im not a doctor. Sooo I hate to bring some bad news but uhhhh if you're not doing it thennnnnnn someone else......

 

But also to be honest all the couples that I know that have been married for 20+ years their whole relationship is based on screaming at each other over what to eat for dinner and "where di you put the damn mail" those are the winners which it seems like the stage you are getting to. The losers are the ones who get a divorce at the first sign of trouble (which it seems like has passed you by already). So from what it sounds like you're on the path to a long marriage hopefully.

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Great post from LSF. 

As to the "sex while pregnant" topic...the only time I've ever heard that from a doctor was when my stepdaughter was in her last week of pregnancy with her first, my grandson.  She had gone into false labor 3 times, and the doctor said sex may help induce her labor, like walking can (how my sister had her first, went into labor while walking.)

 

Congratulations and best wishes in getting this all worked out.  I've got a feeling that when you see your baby, you'll know it was all worth the effort. :)

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I hate to bring the bad news buuuttttt all my info from my friends that are fathers and mothers they all have said that the doctor tells them to have as much sex as possible (while the mother to be was pregnant) apparently its helpful somehow? I have no idea how im not a doctor. Sooo I hate to bring some bad news but uhhhh if you're not doing it thennnnnnn someone else......

So you got your info from friends that are fathers and mothers?  Your opinion means absolutely nothing then if all your information is second hand.  And speculating about his wife cheating is absolutely moronic, get a clue. 

 

He needs advice from people who have gone through it them selves. 

 

All I can tell you is try and not get so defensive with her, she's going through a lot.  And since you have 10 years of experience in the marriage department, you should already know that things will never be fair or even between you two.  And once the baby comes, you will be pushed down to third on the list.  You might have to start reporting to the dog (like me, haha).

 

But the bright side of this, you're about to be a FATHER!!!!!

 

You need to be enjoying this time with her (even though I know its hard).  You might have to swallow your pride, go to the extent of making her happy so that you can be happy and get ready to become a dad.  Hopefully my advice is worth something, good luck. 

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I'm in the same boat as you op, except that my wife isn't pregnant anymore, our son is 15 months. And I absolutely cannot stand her anymore. We don't have sex very often and frankly, I don't care. It's gotten to that point where we pretty much loathe each other and I could care less about that stuff (with her anyway)

 

Having a kid when your relationship sucks does NOT make it easier, it makes things worse. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything in this world and wouldn't trade him for anything, but once you add a kid to an already ****ty relationship, it just adds another layer of stress to the whole thing.

 

Sorry I don't have any advice other than to suck it up and deal with it for awhile (trust me, you will want to be there with your child as much as possible, and splitting before or as soon as he/she is born will rob you of sooo much time with the little one)

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I hate to bring the bad news buuuttttt all my info from my friends that are fathers and mothers they all have said that the doctor tells them to have as much sex as possible (while the mother to be was pregnant) apparently its helpful somehow? I have no idea how im not a doctor. Sooo I hate to bring some bad news but uhhhh if you're not doing it thennnnnnn someone else......

 

 

Why even bother posting this non sense? It's beyond stupid.

 

The second part of your post was at least positive, but the quote above is ridiculous. If you're not doing it thennnnnnnnn someone else....?

 

Come on.

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I hate to bring the bad news buuuttttt all my info from my friends that are fathers and mothers they all have said that the doctor tells them to have as much sex as possible (while the mother to be was pregnant) apparently its helpful somehow? I have no idea how im not a doctor. Sooo I hate to bring some bad news but uhhhh if you're not doing it thennnnnnn someone else......

 

But also to be honest all the couples that I know that have been married for 20+ years their whole relationship is based on screaming at each other over what to eat for dinner and "where di you put the damn mail" those are the winners which it seems like the stage you are getting to. The losers are the ones who get a divorce at the first sign of trouble (which it seems like has passed you by already). So from what it sounds like you're on the path to a long marriage hopefully.

 

With all due respect, you do not have any idea what your talking about.

 

In either paragraph of that post.

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Grab a New Dad book and read it in front of her or leave it out in the open so she can see that you are trying - even if a lot of it is common sense and you already know what things they are talking about.  I went through similar and we have rarely fought since ours was born 6 months ago.  It used to be quite frequent due to her emotions and taking things the wrong way and this and that kind of like you explained.  The 'not being supportive' isn't always what the case is, it's what is said because it's simple and they can just come back with 'well that's how I feel'

 

I learned, though it took me a while unfortunately, that in this stage - just agree with her and like things because it's not worth arguing over the small things.  I wanted sports everything for his room but went with the theme she wanted as I said 'well we can do the sports thing when he gets older' - take the initiative to do the cuddling and all - tell her she looks nice, etc.

 

Good luck!

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First off,

Man up and get a vasectomy if you never want to go thru this again. Might as well do it now while sex is off limits.

Secondly,

Make sure you stay on top of things financially. One of two things is gonna happen. Either your wife's disposition will improve after the birth and you will work things out, in which case there will be all kinds of unanticipated baby expenses, planning for future (ie college funds,etc.); or ...

Things will deteriorate further to the point of extremely untolerable, in which case you need to be on solid enough ground to get divorced, pay rent on a new place, and provide child support. Far too many couples suffer miserably for years because separation is unaffordable.

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relationship 101: each person thinks they give more than the other person because, well lets face it, you as a person are completely aware of all the small things you do for your partner, but are also not aware of all the small things the other person does.  She has gone and explained her side to her therapist, who agrees with her point of view that she is doing a lot of the comprimising.

 

Oversimplified fix: stop treating a realationship as 50/50- as in you give just as much as they do.  You should look at a realtionship as 60/40- where you give 60% and only expect 40% back from the other person.  If you both act like that, your realtionship will be healthy because you both consciously work at it.

 

A relationship is not an stock, stop trying to look for a return on your investment, becasue the ego in all of us will not allow us to think that what another person has to sacrifice for us is anywhere near the value of what you have to sacrfice for them.

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relationship 101: each person thinks they give more than the other person because, well lets face it, you as a person are completely aware of all the small things you do for your partner, but are also not aware of all the small things the other person does.  She has gone and explained her side to her therapist, who agrees with her point of view that she is doing a lot of the comprimising.

 

Oversimplified fix: stop treating a realationship as 50/50- as in you give just as much as they do.  You should look at a realtionship as 60/40- where you give 60% and only expect 40% back from the other person.  If you both act like that, your realtionship will be healthy because you both consciously work at it.

 

A relationship is not an stock, stop trying to look for a return on your investment, becasue the ego in all of us will not allow us to think that what another person has to sacrifice for us is anywhere near the value of what you have to sacrfice for them.

This is actually good advice.  When my wife was pregnant, she had baby-on-the-brain and couldn't focus on anything at work.  She ended getting fired half way through the pregnancy.  And in return, she pulled the ultimate F'ing guilt trip and made it seem like I wasn't doing enough for us.  Mind you, I pay the mortgage, HOA fees, electric and gas bill.  On top of that, I do ALL THE F'ING COOKING.  But just because YOU got fired, I'm not doing enough to support us?

 

As F'ed up as that seems, I swallowed my pride and got a part time job at Sports Authority.  And even then, I didn't even throw that in her face.  But I guess  making the effort to go up and beyond my responsibilities made her realize how much I do for her, and maybe even made her feel bad for pulling the guilt trip on me. 

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This is actually good advice.  When my wife was pregnant, she had baby-on-the-brain and couldn't focus on anything at work.  She ended getting fired half way through the pregnancy.  And in return, she pulled the ultimate F'ing guilt trip and made it seem like I wasn't doing enough for us.  Mind you, I pay the mortgage, HOA fees, electric and gas bill.  On top of that, I do ALL THE F'ING COOKING.  But just because YOU got fired, I'm not doing enough to support us?

 

As F'ed up as that seems, I swallowed my pride and got a part time job at Sports Authority.  And even then, I didn't even throw that in her face.  But I guess  making the effort to go up and beyond my responsibilities made her realize how much I do for her, and maybe even made her feel bad for pulling the guilt trip on me. 

Pregnancy is a Mother ain't it... I won't be looking forward to my next child now lol.

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Why even bother posting this non sense? It's beyond stupid.

 

The second part of your post was at least positive, but the quote above is ridiculous. If you're not doing it thennnnnnnnn someone else....?

 

Come on.

Hey, he just finished his first year of college. He knows everything.

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Buddy, I'm sorry you're going through this. Long story short - I've been through 3 pregnancies. 

 

1st wife's pregnancy caused a divorce

2nd wife pregnancy I wanted to choke her - but I learned more about what was going on.

3rd (same wife) less painful, because I finally learned the game.

 

My advice:  "Yes dear (or other pet name)."  Suffer through it.  Relieve yourself like others stated. Remember - this is all your fault.  Accept it and live with it.  Stretch marks, swollen feet, nausea, all your fault. 

 

Until she delivers, you have to make her center of the world - not your world - everyone's world.  Tell people how beautiful she looks - make her hear you say it.  Don't fight about anything.  Ever.  "Yes babe, I did not fully think about what I was doing - I'm sorry I didn't put the cans in the cupboard labels out." Cheesy and cliche but it's like novacain, given enough time it will work.  You will crack that armor and force her to see you care.

 

When she has the baby - being a dad is the most amazing feeling in the world! - keep it up.  150% supportive and do her bidding.  Kick her out of the house time to time and make her do things for herself.  Like nails or toes or face or all 3.  Dinner/movie with friends. She will be a mommy, and "she" is not her first priority anymore.  You have to get her to think of herself as a person and not lose that identity.  It's that self-identity where all her sexualism, level-headedness, and love come from.  She has to love herself again, or there is no room for you in her heart.  (Her body is changed, nothing fits anymore)  No matter how flattering you are to her - do not expect her to acknowledge it.  1 example: the phone calls from her friends commenting on her hair picture she put on facebook, even though I told her how hot she looked - she needed affirmation other than mine.  She will come around even though right now she doesn't seem like she can.  One day, when that seemingly extinct rational thinking returns - she will love you more than ever.  2 years removed from our youngest, and it's getting better every day. 

 

That is what I learned.  Hopefully it works the same for you.

 

Shout out to all those people who have gone through this - either side of the experience - and came out better because of it.

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I'm not sure why people keep telling him to take a ****. 

 

I feel your pain, man. First pregnancy, wife had a really bad nausea first trimester so no sex then. Then we found out that she a previa, so sex was forbidden medically. Then no sex post partum while she recovered . . . so it was about a year . . . 

 

As far as the relationship goes, this is the "or for worse" part of those wedding vows. Sounds like you're already going above and beyond in many ways, but consider trying different tactics because the things you're doing maybe it's not what she's looking for. You probably fight about the same things repeatedly and have the same triggers that escalate stuff into full blown war. It's important to identify those triggers, sense them coming and don't take the bait. 

 

My wife is a therapist and she counsels individuals, couples, families about stuff like this on a daily basis. What I explained above is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You can only control you and your response to things and this is what this type of therapy tries to correct. 

 

People have said go to couples therapy. Try going individually first, because it'll help you sort out your end of things first. You can find a provider through your health insurance co's website, they usually have a list. Or ask your PCP for a recommendation. You don't even need to make an appointment, just call and see if they can recommend someone. 

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