10 Things Men Can Do To End Men's Violence Against Women

[LadySkinsFan]

I posted this article as a discussion starter as to what men can do to end male violence.  I believe these are reasonable steps to ensure that women and children are safe from the men who harm them.  Women and children cannot stop male violence, men must stop this violence in this patriarchal society.

 

 

http://www.athensnews.com/ohio/article-40684-10-things-men-can-do.html

10 things men can do to end mens violence against women

By Ohio Domestic Violence Network

 

1. Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women.

 

2. Examine and challenge our individual sexism and the role that we play in supporting men who are abusive.

 

3. Recognize and stop colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined roles, and take a stance to end violence against women.

 

4. Remember that our silence is affirming, When we choose not to speak out against men's violence, we are supporting it.

 

5. Educate and re-educate our sons and other young men about our responsibility in ending men's violence against women.

 

6. "Break out of the man box"-Challenge traditional images of manhood that stop us from actively taking a stand to end violence against women.

 

7. Accept and own our responsibility that violence against women will not end until men become part of the solution to end it. We must take an active role in creating a cultural and social shift that no longer tolerates violence against women.

 

8. Stop supporting the notion that men's violence against women is due to mental illness, lack of anger management skills, chemical dependency, stress, ect… Violence against women is rooted in the historic oppression of women and the outgrowth of the socialization of men.

 

9. Take responsibility for creating appropriate and effective ways to develop systems to educate and hold men accountable.

 

10. Create systems of accountability to women in your community. Violence against women will end only when we take direction from those who understand it most, women.

[SkinsHokieFan]

11) Not be jackasses... 

[China]

[Destino]

The tone of this list makes me suspicious that it's been written to get heads nodding by being intentionally unspecific in some points.  I can't speak too directly to each point because they aren't well defined.  What exactly does "stop colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined roles" mean?  What "traditional images of manhood" are stopping us from taking a stance against violence?  On the "socialization of men", being that the current method is being blamed for all violence against women, which I find hard to agree with, who exactly is deciding on a better way and why should I accept it as better?  

 

In general I don't agree with anything that blames masculinity for violence against women and treats men as needing to be fixed.  

[Dan T.]

There's an off-putting tone and assumptions made in some of the items on that list, especially 1,2, 3, 6, and 8. Other than that, okay.

[Ozymandias]

I understand the point of this post but its as if women dont do anything wrong. Women fight for gender equality yet, in certain situations they fight the opposite. For example, if a woman can keep hitting a man not expecting anything of it, but if a man hits that women back, they claim "your not supposed to hit a woman", call the cops, and guess what, the guy will get arrested. now im not saying guys should be able to hit women, but you cant pick and choose what things you want gender equality with, it has to be in every single aspect.

 

Edit* Can-> Cant

[thebluefood]

It's my understanding that the way to end violence in general (regardless of gender) boils down to two points: don't be a jackass and don't raise your children to be jackasses. I don't think you need a degree in sociology to realize that. 

[Botched]

So...how do we stop women's violence against men? Flowers?

[Vilandil Tasardur]

It's my understanding that the way to end violence in general (regardless of gender) boils down to two points: don't be a jackass and don't raise your children to be jackasses. I don't think you need a degree in sociology to realize that. 

This. Violence is wrong in just about every single situation outside of extreme self defense.

 

Growing up I was raised that nothing anyone ever said to me ever was grounds for physical violence, and I still believe that. If someone touches my mother, or my brother, or my cousin, I will lay the smack on them. But if someone calls my mother a dirty word? My parents would be ashamed if that caused me to resort to physical violence. 

 

I also vehemently disagree with #8. I do believe that most violence in general is a result of chemical abuse, lack of self control, and.or mental illness. However, I DO NOT think that this in any lets men "off the hook" or implies that women don't have a right to fight it. Mental health patients commit crimes all the time. They are still crimes. Alcoholics commit crimes all the time. They are still crimes. 

[sacase]

Why is is specifically against women, why is it not against everyone? What makes women unique? Do men commit more violence against women or against other men? If they commit more violence against men isn't' that a bigger problem? I am sorry, but this just screams, I am woman, give me special privilege so I can have power over you even if I can't take it you should give it to me willingly. 

 

As someone who was in a domestic situation I call BS on so much of this. My ex choked me and slapped me, it didn't hurt really and her nails cut my neck a little, but I was thinking while she was trying to choke me, I can stop this real quick, but if I lift a finger I am going to jail. So I pretty much had to take it. 

 

Domestic violence against anyone is wrong. Period. Its not woman specific. 

[Vilandil Tasardur]

Why is is specifically against women, why is it not against everyone? What makes women unique? Do men commit more violence against women or against other men? If they commit more violence against men isn't' that a bigger problem? I am sorry, but this just screams, I am woman, give me special privilege so I can have power over you even if I can't take it you should give it to me willingly. 

 

As someone who was in a domestic situation I call BS on so much of this. My ex choked me and slapped me, it didn't hurt really and her nails cut my neck a little, but I was thinking while she was trying to choke me, I can stop this real quick, but if I lift a finger I am going to jail. So I pretty much had to take it. 

 

Domestic violence against anyone is wrong. Period. Its not woman specific. 

Been there too. I got three stitches across my eye brow when I dumped an Ex because she grabbed a giast picture frame we had hanging of the two of us and threw it at my face. 

 

I remember the nurse at the hospital discussing my options with me and saying "well, I mean, you could press charges, maybe." 

 

I'm not here to cry about a double standard. I'm here to cry about all violence in general. If someone posted a list that was "10 things white people can do to not be racist towards blacks" it would be perfectly valid to cry about how they're kind of missing the point.

[thebluefood]

I mean, I understand where LadySkinsFan is coming from. There's along, dark history of violence against women at the hands of their fathers, husbands, boyfriends and male strangers. That is a problem we need to confront, but if we want to keep claiming we're living in a progressive, post-feminist society (or at least, attempting to), we need to make issues like these gender neutral. 

[Destino]

Growing up I was raised that nothing anyone ever said to me ever was grounds for physical violence, and I still believe that. If someone touches my mother, or my brother, or my cousin, I will lay the smack on them. But if someone calls my mother a dirty word? My parents would be ashamed if that caused me to resort to physical violence.

I agree with you but I also know that what you're saying is an ideal.  Words should never lead to violence but rare is the human being that is in control at all times.  The right combination of words said at a time of weakness will lead to violence from most anyone.  It's important that kids understand that as well.  Avoiding heated confrontations and defusing situations is important if the goal is to avoid a fist fight.  

[Vilandil Tasardur]

I agree with you but I also know that what you're saying is an ideal.  Words should never lead to violence but rare is the human being that is in control at all times.  The right combination of words said at a time of weakness will lead to violence from most anyone.  It's important that kids understand that as well.  Avoiding heated confrontations and defusing situations is important if the goal is to avoid a fist fight.  

Sure. And so we look at any situation from two perspectives, the striker, and the struck (I'm careful not to use words like aggressor, since often both parties are).

 

As the person struck, I face two possibilities (or often, both).  1) The person who has struck me is in the wrong, and in no way should I stand for this, make excuses for them, or allow them to get away with it. BUT 2) Unless in an extreme circumstance, I am partially to blame for their striking me and, as such, I have failed. I have failed to diffuse the situation, I have failed to control my own emotion and have obviously said something which pushed the other person to lose their own control.

 

As the striker, I face only a single possibility. I have failed. I have failed to control my temper. I have failed to walk away. I have failed to count to ten. I have failed to take a deep breath. I have failed to exercise diplomacy. I have failed. There is no instance in which my act of striking another person (regardless of gender) is NOT a fail on my behalf. (Once again, excluding extreme circumstances like a burglary, break in, etc.)

[Stugein]

I expected #1 to be "Stop punching women".  I leave disappointed.

[JonBoySturgis]

Then how are we suppose to keep those tricks in line??

[twa]

.  Women and children cannot stop male violence  

 

 

 

 

#1 They can stop believing this....it is a major part of the problem

#2 Don't hide it

#3 in the event reporting and letting others know doesn't work....kill the turd (if serious enough simply skip to 3)

 

I've never been called for help twice

[Mr. Sinister]

I  have witnessed domestic abuse as a child. I know what causes it, I know the type of human beings that do it, I know the after effects that it has on the perpetrators, the victims, and the other victims (the children). I know the lasting effect that it (at one point) had on me as a child/teenager/young man, and I know the lasting effect that it had on my mother, until she got better and moved on with her life. I've also been in a relationship with a girl that was abused.

 

#6 is complete and utter bull****. #7 leads to a bigger issue of a culture of violence in general, which goes bigger than violence against women. I'll also add one for women. Stop thinking that men as a whole are supportive of domestic violence. Once you stop thinking that, you'll find that men will be more inclined to actually pay attention to anything you said beyond that. 

 

I know  what causes it, and I know how it continues. Manhood has never been associated with tolerance of spousal abuse. This isn't going to sound popular, but really, seeing as how I have gone through it, I don't really mind that much.

 

I am very familiar with battered wife syndrome. I've heard the excuses. I've seen the beating, felt the despair, and felt the anger when I saw that same person welcomed back into the house. At the time my parents were going through a bitter custodial dispute, and I was told by my mother, to lie about what was going on, so she wouldn't lose custody of me.

 

So I will say this... YES women can do things themselves, as well as men, to solve this. So can the courts, and so can the police. Don't try and turn this into a strictly men thing. Because I'm not going to buy it.

 

Women may do better if they knew that violence against them affects not just them, but everyone around them. I will do whatever I can to make sure they know that, and I've already done it, but I can't go into their houses and smack the dude upside the head. I can't make the woman get better. She has to WANT to get better. If they can't do it for themselves, then they need to do it for their families.

 

No man can force them to do this. What men can do, is what they're already doing. Treat everyone with respect, be assertive, be accountable, help those in need, provide stable households, etc. And when you see or hear something, report it, and do everything short of directly inserting yourself into the situation, unless there is no other alternative.

[skinsmarydu]

#1 They can stop believing this....it is a major part of the problem

#2 Don't hide it

#3 in the event reporting and letting others know doesn't work....kill the turd (if serious enough simply skip to 3)

 

I've never been called for help twice

Maybe not going that far, lol, but I did headbutt an ex once.

Hurt like hell, but I got my point across. *Git outta my face.*   He was the one with the bloody nose.   I could say it was just an alcohol-related incident, but that doesn't help my story, now does it?

 

That was like 25 years ago.  Unfortunately, sometimes maturity actually has to come with age.

[Major Harris]

we need a list of ten things women can do to stop violence against women. number one has to be stop seeking out ass holes. number two is stop going back to ass holes that abuse you. You guys finish the rest.

comedian James Hannah said 'I never saw a quiet woman get choked' maybe that is in the list somewhere.....jk

[Mr. Sinister]

I'm glad I've drilled stuff like this (pretty much everything but the op) into my 22 year old sister, so she could avoid the asshole phase that many young women fall into. Don't ever believe that being a woman is synonymous with being weak and fragile, no matter the situation. Women are strong, and in many cases (such as the single mother epidemic) stronger than "Men." And they deserve to be treated as such. That means no ham sandwiches/ironing boards, and no delicate rose petals.

 

Don't ever give a man the feeling that he has any sort of control over you. None. Let him know that you want him, but don't need him. Let him know that the moment he does something like throw a chair, or any type of situation where he completely loses control of his emotions and reacts violently, that he's on watch, and that you have an entire family (there's generally a few crazies in every family) of people ready and willing to put the fear of God into him. Boys fear that. Men respect and admire that.

 

Don't ignore warning signs (such as the guy having very few friends, is moody, has impulse control issues, drug issues, overall reliability issues, is a liar, an all purpose asshole, etc) Those are all red flags. My mothers live in boyfriend at the time had severe gambling issues, and was a cheater on top of it. Do NOT ignore those. It all starts in various stages, and the longer you refuse to address it, the worse it gets, until it ends in murder, suicide, or attempted murder. It ALWAYS ends that way, when they refuse to get help. The only reason my mother is still alive and wasn't stabbed 30 times is because my sister was there to prevent it by banging on the front door and alerting neighbors.

 

Don't become a prisoner. A lot of tactics used by woman beaters are not all that different from kidnappers and slave holders. Don't allow yourself to believe that you have no control. Don't listen to anyone (including other women) tell you you have no control, and that you can't change anything. Don't stay for money, for your marriage, false guilt, or the hope that they change. Assholes don't change. They are assholes for life. The only thing that matters is your physical and emotional well being, and your children's. All you need to do is pick up a phone

 

If any of you have kids, let them know as early as possible about relationships. Its never too early. Tell them what they need to look for in both sexes, in order to avoid heartache and pain. Tell them how they need to present, and carry themselves. Drill it into them. Don't chalk anything up as a "Phase." Eventually everyone has to learn at some point. It's better to learn early and safely, with no lasting damage. Set good examples for them.

 

And lastly, for women who have been in bad relationships, the last thing you want to do is hold onto that anger, and view every man you come across afterwards  as a pig. Yes, men can be pigs, sadly, but with that mindset, all you do is alienate all the really good guys out there. Good guys (and good women) exist. Unfortunately, both sides suck ass at knowing how to spot them, because they're too focused on other dumb ****, when the issues are obvious and are staring them right in the face. When you keep running into bad relationships, the first place you should always look, is in the mirror.

[skinsmarydu]

we need a list of ten things women can do to stop violence against women. number one has to be stop seeking out ass holes. number two is stop going back to ass holes that abuse you. You guys finish the rest.

comedian James Hannah said 'I never saw a quiet woman get choked' maybe that is in the list somewhere.....jk

I had to do some jail time in '99 (happens to the best of us, lol), and of course, they have church.  And of course, I went.  Minister's name was Dr. Strawberry, no lie, and what she did was mostly tell us women to get away from the men who led "us" here.  (My situation didn't apply whatsoever.)  But I looked around the room, and in my mind could pick the women who looked all big & bad, but still let stupid dudes control their lives, by the nodding of heads.  It was bizarre.

[artmonkforHOF]

How about we forget gender and just say don't assualt people. 

[Taylor703]

The crazy thing is my ex-GF started smacking me and hitting me towards the end of our relationship.  It got to the point where she started doing it out in public in front of my friends and they would comment on her doing it.  I never hit her back nor would I ever but I promise you it took every ounce of patients I had to not put her head through a wall.  At some point society needs to acknowledged that women are just as capable of violence against men as we're against women.

[LadySkinsFan]

I think we can all agree that most violent crimes against persons are perpetrated by men, no?