Would you (and your partner) consider abortion due to the possibility of birth defects?

[sideshow24]

We would not. We didn't even want the results of that test.

[thebluefood]

That's a tough question. I pray to God I'm never put in that situation.

I'd like to think I'd keep a stiff upper lip, go forward and hope for the best; but I cannot say unless my spouse-to-be and myself are in that situation.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

That's a tough question. I pray to God I'm never put in that situation.

I'd like to think I'd keep a stiff upper lip, go forward and hope for the best; but I cannot say unless my spouse-to-be and myself are in that situation.

I agree. I thought a few years ago that I'd be a "100% having the baby" advocate my entire life. I've seen 2-3 of our close friends deal with relatively minor special needs kids and it really turns the family upside down. Sure, I feel for the parents some and we try to help out where we can. But I really feel for the siblings.

I don't pretend to know how every parent deals with this, but I know that the biggest issue in all 3 households is the feeling of neglect among the children without special needs. Having grown so close to my 2 children, I don't know if I could fathom putting their needs or wants second to a child who clearly needs me more. I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but I just don't know that I'd be able to "be there" equally for all my kids and that would bother me.

[twa]

TD..... but each of your children risk becoming a special needs kid each and every day of their lives

For me a fetus is a individual life,and ending it would be close to ending a born ones life that became a burden

not judging others in this...just explaining my view

[hunterx]

My wife is 4 months pregnant, and about a month ago we were asked if we wanted to go do the advanced tests/screenings to see if the baby has any complications. We didn't do it the first time around, and decided not to again. Although we are both healthy, and we eat healthy, we understand that nature could have its way and there could be complications with our baby. We would not have an abortion due to the results, so we decided not to find out earlier and have those thoughts cross our mind.

There are levels of wrong that I don't know if I could have an answer for. However I think that if the conditions were bad enough that would put our family at a financial crisis (which leads to other emotional instabilities), and would hinder our ability to also provide a good life for our first born, and after long talks, we would possibly put the child up for adoption. We wouldn't terminate/abort, though.

I think abort/terminate should be reserved for other circumstances.

[RVAbrendan]

Firstly, I have the utmost respect for any parent raising a special needs child - it must take a hell of a lot of courage and love.

This debate has certainly crossed my mind before, and I honestly don't know what I would do. Whenever I think of abortion in this case, though, I can't help but feel a little cowardly .

[TD_washingtonredskins]

TD..... but each of your children risk becoming a special needs kid each and every day of their lives

For me a fetus is a individual life,and ending it would be close to ending a born ones life that became a burden

not judging others in this...just explaining my view

Makes perfect sense. I'm certainly not going to fault anyone who would jump into something like this. It pains me to have to be honest and say that I would have to weigh some facts before knowing that's the decision I would make. A few years ago, I was sure I'd make the decision to have the child no matter what. From what I've seen with other families and how I feel about my children now that I have them, it wouldn't be a slam dunk...that's all.

Edit: I'm also re-visiting this and understanding why people are against aborting the pregnancy. I have never even allowed myself to think about that choice yet. I think of it more in terms of "do I want to try to raise a special needs child or don't I" which obviously lends itself to adoption as well. Good points above.

[TheLongshot]

As someone who has a friend who's sister has Downs, I know a lot of the issues that can crop up, including struggles finding the proper support structure. Given that, it would be a tough decision for us, particularly now that we know how difficult it is to raise a relatively normal 6 year old. That being said, there are no regrets from my friend and her family about having her in their lives.

Ultimately, I think it is up to the parents to decide if they are up to the challenge, and I think they should have the option to make such a decision. I'd rather people carefully consider what they can handle rather than getting thrown into something they really can't handle and do a disservice to their child. It is why I support birth control, abortion, and adoption as options, at least to the point that we actually need those options and better ones become available to us.

We can talk about what we may or may not do in those situaitons, but until you are actually put into that situation, you don't really know which way you will go. Most of us have this vision that at the end of 9 months that we will end up with a healthy, normal baby, but that doesn't always happens and for some outcomes, it can take a lot of soul searching. While I am pro-choice, I hope to never have to make the choice to abort a pregnancy.

[gbear]

Adoption...sounds so easy right? It's not.

There aren't enough foster/adoption parents out there now, especially for special needs children. I've always said the side of abortion which isn't talked about much is the cost of having the baby to the family and society as a whole. Seems this should be on on side of the scale when making a decision. Now obviously, I am not advocating abortion of special needs kids as that would shrink my family from 5 to 2. I am trying to put forth a framework so anybody in the situation can make a reasoned decision and not feel awful. Reading this thread, I note nobody has said they would abort. I doubt that is the case amongst all people, readers or probably even posters thus far.

I also haven't seen any references to the divorce rate amongst parents of medically fragile kids. I know it's high, but I don't have the figure in front of me. I know our foster agency took the threat to the marriage angle very seriously. It's hard for things to stay equal if ever they were, and this can foster resentment.

I would suggest anyone who is pondering this route of just "adopt" read the book Primal Wound. There exists a huge emotional attachment on both sides between mom and baby, and don't assume it won't be there because the kid is "special." Both suffer. Then one gets to bring in logistical and legal stuff, like visiting rights, rights to updates, how involved birth mom and dad will/should be, do the birth parents have right of refusal if there is something about the adopting family of which they disapprove....

I will put it out there again. If anyone wishes to be a foster parent to a medically fragile kid (term used by state for sick or potentially sick kid), shoot me a PM and I can try to hook you up. Note, the agency we use accepts parents who are looking primarily as foster to adopt parents. I would also point out the cost of this method of adoption. It's better than free. Parents are paid a stipend. It's not much, but the argument of it costs too much to adopt isn't valid. As a point towards the dearth of parents out there for these kids, I note I have made this offer in abortion thread after abortion thread for years on this site. I have had 1 PM taking me up asking for information in all those years.

[twa]

nice post gbear

if I may w/o hijacking....the costs to society as a whole issue matters of course, but to me it remains a obligation only society as a whole should remove(if it is ok to end their life for that reason ,then that should extend to after they are born as well imo)

Is the burden of waiting to really determine impact/costs too heavy?

[USS Redskins]

Over 90% of Downs Syndrome children are aborted - so the nationwide answer is pretty clear. I just wish that these people would realize that it is such a huge mistake and they are killing such wonderful children.

I do respect the honesty from people in this thread.

My wife and I decided to not have the testing b/c we wanted to love our child no matter what... I dont regret that decision for a moment but that doesnt mean it wasnt hard. We were devastated when we got the news - plus he came 8 weeks early so he was so helpless in the ICU for 2 weeks and only 4 lbs with a thousand tubes running in and out of him - you couldnt help but love him! We felt sorry for ourselves and cried and were mad that our son was being cheated out of a normal life and a million other emotions.... it passes and in the end, we just deal with it, like you do any other problem in life.

People tell me all the time they dont know how we deal with it - but you just do it. Its not easy but you just do it.

It would be nice to get a break with luck every now and then but I am not religious at all, so I rely on others to pray it out there.

The big heroes to me are the special needs teachers. We have had some great, wonderful, caring people take care of our boy. They are the special ones.

[grhqofb5]

Over 90% of Downs Syndrome children are aborted - so the nationwide answer is pretty clear. I just wish that these people would realize that it is such a huge mistake and they are killing such wonderful children.

I do respect the honesty from people in this thread.

My wife and I decided to not have the testing b/c we wanted to love our child no matter what... I dont regret that decision for a moment but that doesnt mean it wasnt hard. We were devastated when we got the news - plus he came 8 weeks early so he was so helpless in the ICU for 2 weeks and only 4 lbs with a thousand tubes running in and out of him - you couldnt help but love him! We felt sorry for ourselves and cried and were mad that our son was being cheated out of a normal life and a million other emotions.... it passes and in the end, we just deal with it, like you do any other problem in life.

People tell me all the time they dont know how we deal with it - but you just do it. Its not easy but you just do it.

It would be nice to get a break with luck every now and then but I am not religious at all, so I rely on others to pray it out there.

The big heroes to me are the special needs teachers. We have had some great, wonderful, caring people take care of our boy. They are the special ones.

Great post. You're very blessed (even though you're not religious), and you're note shows that you have acquired a great deal of wisdom.

[Springfield]

I really like the responses in this thread so far. I'm glad that it hasn't turned ugly as of yet. I was following along from my phone while I was at work today.

I didn't want to offer my opinion in the OP because I didn't want it to come off as an OpEd piece. I also, am one that doesn't know what I would do. My wife and I aren't currently trying to have kids but if she were to become pregnant, we would embrace it. Abortion wouldn't be much of an option, however if we found out that our child was likely to have some major defect it would certainly raise questions. In my opinion, I would feel uneasy about considering abortion strictly because our future child would likely be disabled. In fact, I'd probably feel awful if we did make the decision to abort the pregnancy. Kind of like, I was presented with a challenge and I ran away from it because I thought it would be too hard.

[alexey]

Very difficult question. I am not religious, so I would decide it based on circumstances and my own understanding of what is right. There are certainly scenarios in which I would decide that it would be best to minimize the suffering.

[Koolblue13]

I find the term "partner" amusing in the thread title. To me, it makes me think gay and hence, no kids.

As to the OP, if I had a chance to abort a kid who would need life time assistance, I would jump at it.

[LadySkinsFan]

I'll answer the question and then address the article.

I would have an abortion. I've already had one for reasons I've stated before and they didn't involve a birth defect. It's my right to decide what I want to do with my body. Plus I know that I could not deal with the situation and would not carry to term in the hopes of finding a foster or adoptive family that would not abuse the child. And we all know that that happens, not often but I'd always wonder. And I'm guessing that aborting a fetus with a birth defect carries no less approbation than giving one up for adoption by certain people.

Now to address the article. It was placed on a pro-life website. It was slanted to a pro-life aspect. And that's okay, because people can write what they want. What offended me the most is that the article praised those doctors who withheld vital information that parents should have to make their own choices in the matter, and that states are starting to pass laws to protect these doctors from lawsuits if they withhold information that might lead to an abortion. These laws and proposed legislation are anathema to me. A doctor's own bias is protected and supersedes the right of the patient to make informed decisions.

For those who have carried through term and are raising children who are challenged, you have my admiration and support. Because you are doing something that I could not do.

Koolblue13, I'm gay and have a child. Of course, my pregnancy occurred during my Great Heterosexual Experiment, but there are lots of us with children, biological or otherwise.

[Titaw]

My wife and I had the conversation with both of our kids thankfully our kids came out 100% normal and we didn't have to make the decision. We leaned one way but there is no way of knowing wether we would have followed through or not.

[stevenaa]

Would not consider it and made the decision before having children. Didn't have the amnio test on any of our 3. We have friends with a special needs child. Well adult now. Definitely a challenge but now without joy.

[GaryGreenMonk]

For me, it would have to be for something very very serious like Tay-Sachs disease with a horrible prognosis (most Tay-Sachs children are severly impaired and most pass by age 5) .. or it would have seriously threaten the life of my wife. I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my wifes life to the detrement of my other children.

[Koolblue13]

Ladyskinsfan, my Dad is Gay. Well, I guess they both are.

[Hdf561]

I know me and my wife were faced with this option twice....our first son was born with Club Foot which they found in an ultra sound. They said the club foot could be an indicator of other defects like Down Syndrom, etc. In no way did we ever think of terminating the pregnancy. We wanted a child and no matter what was wrong or not wrong we wanted this child.

WIth my second son my wife was diagnosed with cancer, and the option was to abort the pregnancy and begin treatment right away, or have the child and delay treatment. Again we wanted another child and we never even batted an eye at making our decision.

I grew up with one cousin who is blind, and one who is confined to a wheel chair and even with the difficulties that those things present they are still children and still enrich your life.

[Renegade7]

I can't do it. I can understand the financial implications, but I have faith if God put me in that situation it would be for a damn good reason...

EDIT: having said that, I don't have any kids right now, nor a significant other to have this conversation with. But right now, answer the question of the thread, I can't do it.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

I can't do it. I can understand the financial implications, but I have faith if God put me in that situation it would be for a damn good reason...

EDIT: having said that, I don't have any kids right now, nor a significant other to have this conversation with. But right now, answer the question of the thread, I can't do it.

My uncertainty revolves almost exclusively around my other two kids. If I was confronted with this decision with our first preganancy I'd probably be much more willing to say "no way would I give up a chance to be a father to this child."

Also, the financial situation again only really matters to me in how it impacts my other two kids...granted, I'm saying this without really knowing how much of impact it is. I'm making an assumption which might be pretty ignorant, but I wouldn't think it was necessarily fair to drain 529s and other savings accounts that were earmarked for my other two kids.

I'm sure everyone would be OK with the time and financial commitments it would take since we would all love the child unconditionally. I also know from volunteering with special needs children and adults that there is more than enough joy and plenty of "good times" involved. I just don't know how you weigh something as precious as your time with your children. I've seen family friends devote almost all of their resources in order to see modest improvements in their special needs children. I think that's an instinct that you can't turn off as a parent. But, you have to ask yourself if you really did your FAMILY a disservice in the long run I think. One family sends their other son to his grandparents' house 3-4 nights per week. That's fine and they are thankful for the help, but think about all the experiences they are missing with him...

[LadySkinsFan]

Ladyskinsfan, my Dad is Gay. Well, I guess they both are.

Oh no! And did you turn out heterosexual?! :evilg:

Returning to the regularly scheduled topic....

[Koolblue13]

Oh no! And did you turn out heterosexual?! :evilg:

Returning to the regularly scheduled topic....

Overly, but that's another topic.