Would you adopt a child?

[LadySkinsFan]

I'm 60 and not about to be responsible for another little life at this stage of my life.

I considered it when my daughter was younger, but I was the sole support of her all her life and we had some hard times, so bringing another child into that situation wasn't the right thing to do. Besides, I would have had to be single and not with a girlfriend at the time, being lesbian.

I have much admiration for people who adopt children and give them a good home rather than have children in a system where they didn't have a place to call "home."

[The Sisko]

But doesn't that communal responsibility start with supporting life?

Saying you believe I need to be fed,educated and cared for while endorsing someone killing me leaves me questioning priorities

I think you and other anti abortionists at best pay lip service to the flip side of this argument. That is, if it's a moral imperative to oppose the killing of innocents, it's equally important to support initiatives to support that innocent life once its born. I got your point about govt. waste and inefficiency but if life is so very important to you I'd think the great majority of you guys would view "big government" as a necessary evil rather than sentencing that life to a lifetime of poverty. Ditto that for the healthcare plan as well. I realize that private programs exist and do help, however they can't do it all and probably never will be able to.

Wow!, thats not really a person, thats a monster.

any examples with some kind of proof that we all wouldnt consider insane?

How about that darling of many in the TP/GOP/Libertarian Party, Ayn Rand. I think the comment you quoted almost perfectly describes her vision. So they've based their ideals on those of a madwoman, a monster, or both. Obviously I'd say both.

As for the topic at hand, Mrs. '06 and I have been trying to adopt for a couple of years now but have been interrupted by other more pressing personal issues. However the previous comment that it's a complicated and expensive process is 110% correct. On the one hand I understand the need to weed out some prospective parents but at the same time it's also heartbreaking to see so many barriers to doing something good and much needed.

[twa]

I think you and other anti abortionists at best pay lip service to the flip side of this argument. That is, if it's a moral imperative to oppose the killing of innocents, it's equally important to support initiatives to support that innocent life once its born. I got your point about govt. waste and inefficiency but if life is so very important to you I'd think the great majority of you guys would view "big government" as a necessary evil rather than sentencing that life to a lifetime of poverty. Ditto that for the healthcare plan as well. I realize that private programs exist and do help, however they can't do it all and probably never will be able to.

.

Strange, I support the govt taking care that basic needs are met in every area....and in my private life

Spare me the killing them to save them from poverty or to improve others lives BS,it rings rather hollow.

The healthcare plan is a albatross

[Special K]

Absolutely. I plan on having children and adopting. Two of my aunts (twins) on my dad's side were adopted from drug-addicted parents who gave them up...they assimilated very well into the family and I'm so glad my grandparents made that decision to expand their family so many years ago.

[Koolblue13]

Most people won't even consider adopting a dog, I doubt the poll numbers are close to honest.

[10fttall]

My wife and I were foster parents, then met a very special girl that we just knew was for us. She lived with us from before she was 2, and was finally adopted when she had just turned 3. It seems like she's been with us forever. She knows the whole story, and always has. We've had 2 boys since than. Now she's 11, and she has never, ever felt like "not our child." It's identical to the feelings we have for the boys.

By the way, maybe we were lucky, but being foster parents and adopting a child from a city Family Services Department cost us all of $800 bucks. I mean, we applied, got checked out some more and a lawyer just basically had us sign a petition then filed it in court. I guess when you scout out a baby moma and support her and pay for the medical bills it's more. Or if you take a trip to China to adopt a Chinese baby, then you're looking at some big bucks.

The question runs deeper into good will and charity when you talk about if you would be willing to adopt a child with special needs, different race, or an older kid. I'll be honest, I don't consider myself to have any degree of charatibility points for adopting a very young healthy child. I did not feel called to begin a lifetime of challenges above and beyond normal, on purpose. I'm just being real. But I know there are some people who get joy out of that.

[mardi gras skin]

It was sometimes difficult for me being black and my parents being white. I was confused sometimes at an early age and got made fun of a lot in elementary and middle school, which lead to a TON of fights and identity/ self esteem issues.

One of the reasons we live in our neighborhood is that its so mixed up racially I don't think there's much opportunity for our daughter to get picked on. No one gives us the triangle stare around here. Our family blends right in.

When we go visit family in Tennessee or Alabama people do notice. No one is negative or racist...they're actually quite supportive and encouraging. But I'm always relieved to get back home where no one cares.

---------- Post added June-12th-2011 at 06:17 PM ----------

I sometimes question the value of bringing a life into the world if it is not going to be cared for and subjected to torment, abuse, neglect, and be generally unloved and viewed as a punishment.

Ugh. I'd love to see a poll taken among people in those statistical groups you're talking about asking them if they wish they had been aborted so they could avoid their miserable lives.

You're deluding yourself if you think you're doing them any favors.

---------- Post added June-12th-2011 at 06:18 PM ----------

We are in the process of it now.

Congratulations, man! Its a pretty involved process. Where are you now and are you going domestic or international?

[Koolblue13]

My wife and I were foster parents, then met a very special girl that we just knew was for us. She lived with us from before she was 2, and was finally adopted when she had just turned 3. It seems like she's been with us forever. She knows the whole story, and always has. We've had 2 boys since than. Now she's 11, and she has never, ever felt like "not our child." It's identical to the feelings we have for the boys.

By the way, maybe we were lucky, but being foster parents and adopting a child from a city Family Services Department cost us all of $800 bucks. I mean, we applied, got checked out some more and a lawyer just basically had us sign a petition then filed it in court. I guess when you scout out a baby moma and support her and pay for the medical bills it's more. Or if you take a trip to China to adopt a Chinese baby, then you're looking at some big bucks.

The question runs deeper into good will and charity when you talk about if you would be willing to adopt a child with special needs, different race, or an older kid. I'll be honest, I don't consider myself to have any degree of charatibility points for adopting a very young healthy child. I did not feel called to begin a lifetime of challenges above and beyond normal, on purpose. I'm just being real. But I know there are some people who get joy out of that.

I'm the same way with my foster dogs. People constantly tell me that I am doing so much good and I just feel like I'm being responsible and accountable. Good for you though man. Some day, I'd love to foster kids.

[China]

As an adoptive parent I have to say yes. We adopted a girl from China. There was no information on her parents. They left her in a dirty back alley to die. She had a cleft lip and alveolar bone crack. Presumably her parents were poor and with the one child policy in China at the time and the priority for males, they didn't want her and couldn't care for her.

She's had cleft lip surgery and has a retainer already at age 5 to help with the teeth due to the mouth/bone issues. But you can hardly tell. She is beautiful and we love her to death.

Oh, and good luck LKB. Feel free to PM me if you want if I can be of any help or tell you anything about our experience that might be useful.

[mcsluggo]

back in the day, my wife and i had always talked about adopting at some point. but it seems less likely now that we already have three children, and day-to-day life is always just marching on and on and forward. My wife had always wanted to adopt "at risk" children--- children that were considered difficult to place for one reason or another, and i was alway more scared of that then she was-- but was tentatively willing to cross my fingers and someday do it.

But... now that we have other children to care for... it is even scarier to consider bring in a child (or children) with special needs. First, we know how damned hard and tiring ALL children are---- second, i can't help but be extra scared and protective of teh children i already have, scared of disturbing what currently works, and possibly making the proccess of raising my EXISTING girls harder.

anyway once we started having children of our own, we agreed that we would NOT want to adopt a child that would disturb the "heirarchy" in teh family --- ie suddenly there is a NEW eldest child in the family, and we also figured that non-infants were in most need--- so we postponed teh discussion for a few years. But now my children ARE older (6, 8, and 9) and if we are going to pull the trigger, now would be the time to act.

but it is scary.

[No_Pressure]

I would not adopt a child because I'd rather have my own biological children. If that was not an option for me I might consider adoption. I'm certainly not against the practice of adoption, it's awesome. I know a few couples who adopted children for various reasons- inability to have kids of their own, desire to improve the life of a child who wouldn't have had as many opportunities otherwise, etc. They all seem to be extremely happy and fulfilled by their choices and I don't see anything bad about that.

[Stew]

My wife and myself are going to a fertility specialist currently bc we have had a few miscarriages. We will be doing what we need to to have children, but we do also plan to adopt as well. Going through this has given us new perspective on life and how precious it really is. For those that think that they would abort if put in the situation, or for those who are contomplating it, please reconsider. There are pleanty of families who have the love, and the means to support a child, and who are not able to. We may need IV, or surragacy, but even after we achieve our goal, our next goal is to make our home ready to adopt a child, or children. Its really hard to see people having babies, friends and family, neighbors, everyone... when you and your wife are not able to and it is something you and your wife have pictured in our lives together. These are shoes I never thought Id walk in, and now that I have covered endless miles in them, I know that the real person to feel for, the ones my heart goes out to now, is the children who need homes, and need parents. So no matter what happens, we want to make a difference in the lives of others who need us.

[stupidmorals]

Stupidmorals, I have absolutely no problem talking about it and I'd be happy talking to you about my upbringing in great detail, but im about to step put the door for the day . i'll shoot you a PM later.

Thanks, man, I appreciate it.

[gbear]

I'll talk about it with any who will listen. On our first date, I asked my now wife what would her life look like in 5 years if everything went the way she would wish. She said she would be fostering medically fragile kids becasue she sees so many on her children's floor at the hospital who don't have any family to love and care for them. 3 years later we were married, and in 5 years from our date, we took in our first foster kid. She was a lump with huge heart issues but also with a quiet caring side. In the almost 4 years since she's been with us, she's blossomed into a dancer, a singer, a soccer player, a tike trying desperately to learn to read, and most of all a loving little girl. All in all, I am amazingly proud of her and her adoption is one of the highlights of my life. A year after we started fostering her, we started fostering a little boy who was born at 28 weeks and had some brain damage. He would not bond with either my wife or me, and he cried 80% of the time, but he bonded with my daughter. Those bonds are too rare to separate, and almost 4 years later, he is a very smart, very emotional, very athletic mini ball of energy. His adoption rates as a highlight of my life too.

Both my wife and I agreed there were enough children in the world needing our help. We don't need to bring any more into the world unless it is the result of a miracle/mistake. I still look at my step dad as every bit the father my birth dad is. It was him who read me the Lord of the Rings and went to every soccer event as I dragged him up and down the east coast. 30 seconds tor 4 hours of fun does not a father make. Years of love are the sole requirement for parenthood.

I get a little saddened when I see so many who say "I would if I can't have my own." I know it is my own bias, and there is certainly a not small side of me happy to see any willing to put the time and effort forth to raise any kid...it's just a hollow sound to my core because it screams a large problem in our fostering/adoption community. So many only want healthy kids who look like them. Why oh why do so many people rule out so many most in need? So often the kids turn into reflections of those who raise them whether they look alike or not. And for those who are against abortion, ask yourself how many people in your socioeconomic set need to put their kids up for adoption? Maybe just maybe those who don't look like you are the ones in need.

I often tell the story of sitting down at a Burger King with my daughter and my son one day. After we had been there for a bit, I went to go get a refill of soda, and a lady tapped me on the should and asked if the two kids were mine because she heard both of them call me dad. My daughter is Black, and my son is a Hispanic who tans when he reads a book about a sunny day. I am fish belly white. I looked at her and said "Different moms." We have tried to teach our kids their diffferences are to be cellebrated. They are a strength, not something to be hidden. Those who say otherwise should probably be pittied for they know not what they miss. I have a Christmas card from when the kids were 2 and 3. I have asked young children "who doesn't match from the family in the picture," and the overwhelmingly most popular choice is my wife because she is the only one not wearing glasses. Somewhere along the way, our kids are taught skin color is a primary difference. I say the kids get it right...or atleast tehy don't get it as wrong as we as adults seem prone to do.

For what it's worth, fostering and adopting mediaclly fragile kids actually net out cost wise. The biggest expense for us is the opportunity costs associated with my wife not being able to work much as an RN. The stipend is livable even if the qualifications seem Bizantine. The term "medically fragile" covers a lot of situations, and many are not permanent. For example, premi's usually catch up by age 3. If any are interested in knowing more on the fostering/adoption process, PM me.

Side note: As of right now, 19 out of 32 responses say they would adopt a child regardless of parents past. I suspect this is a who is infavor of doing so rather than an I plan to do so number. If this percentage were a true representation of our society, the foster care system would be in far far better shape. :-(

[PleaseBlitz]

Amazing stuff from several of you guys. I am in awe.

[S.T.real,lights,out]

I would say yes....but he/she would have to be a baby. I dont think i could do the whole start when they are 5 or 6 thing.

[Burgold]

Ugh. I'd love to see a poll taken among people in those statistical groups you're talking about asking them if they wish they had been aborted so they could avoid their miserable lives.

You're deluding yourself if you think you're doing them any favors.

So, what you're saying is Heaven ain't all it's cracked up to be?

---------- Post added June-13th-2011 at 03:47 PM ----------

Amazing stuff from several of you guys. I am in awe.

And being serious, I agree with you. Gbear is a friend and he as eall as the others that have opened their doors and their hearts are wonderful people. I'm not sure if I could do what Gbear did esp. not knowing if the child would survive and knowing that chances were greater that she would not. To give that love and know that you may face heartbreak requires a really special kind of strength. My hat is off to him.

[gbear]

Thing is my wife and I get to pick with which medical conditions we are willing to deal. Rarely does anyone say to the biological parents, "I couldn't do what you do. There is no way I would raise such a kid" The birth parents are expected to buck up and deal no matter what the situtation or what ti does to a marriage.

In a lot of ways my wife and I are spoiled. We will probably never have a trake vent kid, or any one of a dozen other conditions we have identified as beyond our desire to pick. Sad part is there are so many kids needing homes. Even our picky help is welcomed...and I still find myself asking what more should i (we) be doing?

[Burgold]

Thing is my wife and I get to pick with which medical conditions we are willing to deal. Rarely does anyone say to the biological parents, "I couldn't do what you do. There is no way I would raise such a kid" The birth parents are expected to buck up and deal no matter what the situtation or what ti does to a marriage.

In a lot of ways my wife and I are spoiled. We will probably never have a trake vent kid, or any one of a dozen other conditions we have identified as beyond our desire to pick. Sad part is there are so many kids needing homes. Even our picky help is welcomed...and I still find myself asking what more should i (we) be doing?

Lucky is such an interesting and varied bit of perspective. Then again, I do agree. You are lucky to have the famly you have.

[Kosher Ham]

Some really great people in this world after all.

Thanks.

[10fttall]

So many only want healthy kids who look like them. Why oh why do so many people rule out so many most in need?

I'll tell you straight up that I wanted a healthy child that looked like me. Sorry if that sounds bad to some hipster philanthropist sensibilities. I'll also tell you there weren't any other people beating down the doors to adopt the child I did. Is it really so bad? Do you think it's wrong? Every time my wife and I had a child naturally, I wanted...wait for it..."a healthy child that looked like me."

Like I said before, the people who start out wanting to do more challenging adoptions, are the real heroes. But I don't think anyone should bemoan people who adopt anyone at all. Raising a child is challenging enough, and some normal, average people just want to adopt. There's nothing wrong with not desiring to put yourself up for additional issues.

[gbear]

Don't get me wrong. I said I applaud and am thankful anyone takes on the role of parent. I said I am happier still when people adopt. I recognize the sacrifice people feel when it's not their genes, and I recognize when the kid doesn't look like you the differences are a reminder of genetic differences. I think the genetic pull is strong and fealt on a visseral level.

I bemoan the lack of homes willing to open up to other. I cringe for all the homes who go without kids because the parent wait years trying to get the perfect infant who could be their biological kid in everyone elses' eyes or who don't adopt because the cost .

Please don't take my posts as saddened by your adoption. There are way too many waiting to be adopted. Look through the thread. Can you count on your fingers the number of people who have said they adopted? I just wish people could see the up sides enough to change the "I would" to "I will."

[mardi gras skin]

I just wish people could see the up sides enough to change the "I would" to "I will."

We could do so much to make this happen:

1. Change the laws to give the adoptive parents more rights. Once the child is placed in the adopting family, no take backs.

2. Promote adoption. At the schools where teens are getting pregnant, as a first option for people seeking abortions. Politicians and celebrities should decide this is a cause worth talking up. Giving up a child for adoption and receiving a child into your home though adoption shouldn't be heroic. It should be talked about so much that we think of is as a normal thing for families to do. We talk way more about adopting pets than we do adopting children.

3. Make financial incentives clear. I don't know where we are right now with financial burdens associated with domestic adoptions but I do know that most people just assume its really expensive. The cost for domestic adoptions shouldn't be any more than natural births minus health insurance...so less than a grand. If it was clear that adopting was no more financially burdensome than natural birth that would remove a huge hurdle.

4. Simplify the system. There are many natural hurdles adopting parents have to clear and a lot of education they need to receive, but as much of the redundant paperwork and maze of government agencies that can be streamlined the better.

That's off the top of my head. We have a vast untapped pool of families that would adopt if it weren't so daunting and unknown to them. I'm confident that we would see a huge shift from "I would" to "I will" if we made the effort.

---------- Post added June-14th-2011 at 06:16 AM ----------

So, what you're saying is Heaven ain't all it's cracked up to be?

It is interesting to see you attempt to use theology to PROMOTE abortion. Points on creativity if nothing else, Burg.

[Burgold]

It is interesting to see you attempt to use theology to PROMOTE abortion. Points on creativity if nothing else, Burg.

Hey, it wasn't me who suggested that a soul awaiting birth would rather grow up unloved, unwanted, abused, neglected, etc. rather than spending a few more months in Heaven awaiting parents that would want and cherish him/her. :pfft:

[gbear]

Mardi, I wish.

Take backs, I know this used to happen. I was warned by one of my highschool teachers about take backs. I haven't seen it or heard about it as an issue lately though. I was concerned when we were fostering because there was some consideration given to making foster kids live near their biological families. It got support from the counties who wanted to stop paying for services to kids whose family was in Baltimore city, and there was some support in the city from the biological families as well as those who thought Black children should be raised by Black parents (One of the early sources for my frustration with the has to look like me arguements).

As for 2, I talk about it all the time. I certainly don't feel heroic. I want adoption to be normal. It may be an alternate course, but why the heck is it as rare as it is?

3. I was trying to address this because it is seen as expensive. We paid $35 for a license/birth certificate. We paid $35 more to change the Social Security Numbers. Up until the adoption, we were foster parents being paid to foster. After the adoption, we still receive a stipend even if less than while we fostered. Maryland has tried very hard to take away the financial dis-incentive for adoption.

4. This is a bear. It took 3 and 2 years to go through for us. However, while the government ran through its maze, the kids were already in our home and family. Given we live by a rule of once a kid enters our house, it is family, the government's time was only for a name change in the relationship. Adopted, tis but a name.