Anyone here ever with someone who already has a kid?

[vigilante]

I've been talking to this one girl for the past month from school. Smart good, pretty, and really down to earth. So as soon as I have that going for me.. I find out she has a kid. She's 22 and a year older than me.

Since the majority of posters here are a little older and have more experience than me, I want to ask if anyone here has ever dealt with this before and how it affected them. Obviously this situation is going to make me fall back a little bit but I really think the girl is worth it.

[zoony]

Make sure you have a good sense of where baby daddy is before you get too tangled up

Other than that, not too big a deal. Have fun changing ****ty diapers though

[vigilante]

The kid's father left them. She's a single mother. Oh and the kid is almost 4 years old. So he's pretty much passed that stage.

[Rdskn4Lyf21]

Man...it's a tough one. I've tried my best to stay away from girls with kids.

Not to be selfish, although I guess it is to a point, but when I find someone and marry them I want to go through everything the first time with them (getting married, raising a kid, etc.).

I guess just understand that her child is her number one priority in life and that might get in the way of you guys at times. If you are willing to accept that and not get upset by that you should be fine.

[Bang]

I raised a kid from 2-15 that wasn't mine.

He's a good kid, and now he's a fine man. The split between his mom and I was not good, and there's distance now. I tend to wonder how it affects him more than me, I'm sure it's pretty confusing for him to try to figure out how I fit into his life. We're friends (He's 27 now, good job, family man.. so it's not like we do much hanging out. My son is his half brother, so we do see each other at ball games, things like that. It's always enjoyable.

One day the kid will remind you that you aren't their dad, and not in a good way. I don't mean innocently, i mean they'll scream it in your face either literally or figuratively.. You better be ready for it and handle it properly. It's going to hurt, but it's not about you, the issue is goig to be with the kid.

In our house there was definitely not ever a united front presented to the kid, his mom would believe everything he said no matter how ridiculous, and within two minutes of trying to lecture or discipline the kid on what happened, it was like his mom turned into his attorney.

It's fun when they're young, though. However, you can't go into this sort of relationship lightly, this isn't like any other girlfriend. This one has a kid and that is inseparable, and no matter what the potential for the relationship to become very serious is magnified. She has a family, and if you fit well, she could see you as part of it and expect the same.

~Bang

[spjunkies]

I'm currently dating a girl with 2 kids and the biggest drawback is her finding time to go out and do normal dating stuff.

Not too sure how far this relationship will go.

[Doozinbrah]

To piggy back on Bang if you are with her, you both must be united in terms of discipline. My daughter(step-daughter) is 15 now. I came into her life when she was 7. She was un disciplined and wild. But you have to make sure you are ready to lay down the law. The biggest thing is making sure to treat the child as if they were yours. BUt I have nbeen married for 8 years now and it is going well in respect to raising her daughter as my own. The father has never been in her life so it is much easier to deal with.

[Larry]

Never been in your situation, but I've seen it through others.

One thing I'd try to always keep in mind: Mommy is obligated to place her kid's welfare above yours. (Or hers.) If you try to make her chose between the kid and you, she's going to pick the kid. (Unless she's a really rotten person.)

----------

OTOH, I also remember, now, when I was much younger, being attracted to a woman who had a kid. I remember people asking me if that was a problem for me.

My response, back then, was "Hey, this way I know everything works."

[Corcaigh]

21 is early to be part of a family and have those responsibilities and constraints. If I were you I'd enjoy the single/dating life for a few years yet before taking on the adventure that is parenthood.

[Smoot Point Really]

OTOH, I also remember, now, when I was much younger, being attracted to a woman who had a kid. I remember people asking me if that was a problem for me.

My response, back then, was "Hey, this way I know everything works."

Unless the problem isn't her.

[stevenaa]

My wife's mother remarried when she was 3 or 4. Her biological father was around at the time. Her current father adopted her when she was around 5. The bio-father didn't contest but broke all ties. She hasn't seen him since and has no desire to. My point is it can have a great outcome. You just have to understand what those above pointed out. In her life, it's her kid, her and then you.

Also understand that unless things get serious and she imparts the privlege of discipline on you, any attempt to scold or punish the child is no-no.

You'll also want to establish what both of your relationship ambitions are fairly early on. No need dating her if you don't think you might want to hang around. Kids bond and you won't just be leaving the mother.

Frankly, I admire the man that does not shy away from a single mom. And, if you already feel like she's worth it, she probably is.

[Bubble Screen]

You're probably too young for this, bro. And you already seem leery of dating someone with a child. Probably not ready, imo.

[Capt. Kaos]

The good news: You know she puts out

[Die Hard]

21 is early to be part of a family and have those responsibilities and constraints. If I were you I'd enjoy the single/dating life for a few years yet before taking on the adventure that is parenthood.

Exactly. We seem to agree on almost everything.

[Die Hard]

The good news: You know she puts out

Correction. You know she *did* put out That is no indication of future behavior.

[Ryman of the North]

having had an evil stepmother, all I can say is this, If you arent willing or able to treat the child as though its your own then walk away.

[Sticksboi05]

I've been talking to this one girl for the past month from school. Smart good, pretty, and really down to earth. So as soon as I have that going for me.. I find out she has a kid. She's 22 and a year older than me.

Since the majority of posters here are a little older and have more experience than me, I want to ask if anyone here has ever dealt with this before and how it affected them. Obviously this situation is going to make me fall back a little bit but I really think the girl is worth it.

The one thing is you don't want to go far into a relationship when you know that in the end it won't work out. I mean if you act as a father figure for a couple years and then leave, it won't help anyone.

Ironically there's a Boy Meets World episode I just watched on this exact subject maybe a couple weeks ago.

[Capt. Kaos]

Correction. You know she *did* put out That is no indication of future behavior.

Very True, but the best indicator for future behavior is past behavior

[MEANDWARF]

Married into an already made family and added 2. My daughter(stepdaughter) butted heads for a long time, especially during her teen years. We were a family of 5 and I told everyone she was my daughter. Only time I called her stepdaughter is when people started asking more questions and realize she was born before my wife and I got together.

Now she has a kid and she calls me Daddy and she is trying to get my grandson to call me Grandpa.

Footnote: She found her real dad on Facebook and she told me he was an idiot.

[Major Harris]

you should pm praise gibbs.

though i tend to agree with corcaigh here, there is a lot of good advice in this thread in the event you decide to jump in here.

[Larry]

The good news: You know she puts out

Correction. You know she *did* put out That is no indication of future behavior.

The way I'd put it is "You know she did put out, and now she's got a kid without a father. She might have learned."

[RichmondRedskin88]

Man thats tough. I don't think I for one would be able to do such a relationship. I would want to go through the first baby stuff with the girl I was with together. That way you and her share all the "firsts". Well most firsts anyway. If shes worth it though you should go for it though. Just make sure you've thought it through first.

[IONTOP]

Single mother, going to college (I assume, unless both of you got held back in high school 3 and 4 years), raising a child? Sounds like she's got a lot on her plate, also sounds like she might have a good head on her shoulders... I have no experience with responsible single mothers...

Now if you want to ask me about irresponsible single mothers, I've got some advice...

[Larry]

A thought has occurred to me, reading other people's posts, here.

I'm seeing people saying that they don't think there's any way they could raise a kid who wasn't theirs. Frankly, I can't for the life of me understand that position. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

So I suggest that there's a question you need to ask yourself.

"Do I feel lucky?"

No, not that one.

"Am I capable of spending the next 20 years raising this kid?"

If the answer is "absolutely, positively, no way in Dallas", then my advice is to quit now. Because she needs someone who is willing to take on that commitment, and it isn't fair to even ask her to settle for something less.

Now, I'm not saying "If you go on one date with her, then you're committed for life", either.

However, if you spend a year or so as Mom's date, then yeah, you do have some commitment to the child.

Again, I'm not saying that you need to either get married today, or walk away. I'm saying that if you're absolutely certain that you'll never make that commitment, then you aren't being fair to her.

[The Mond]

There have to be some character issues with a girl who is 22 with a 4 year old child out of wedlock. Just saying maybe you should see it as a blessing that you find out about the child so early on and can now move on without hurting any feelings. You don't want to get involved in this, bro.