Anyone here ever with someone who already has a kid?

[booballen]

This is a serious situation, whether you realize or not. I was about the same age when i got into a relationship with a girl with a child, but the father was TRYING to be around.

When we broke up i was more hurt over not being able to see her child than i was her. I had grown so attached to this little man that I would think more about what/how he was doin than i would her, but it was like and endless circle that just kept them both in my mind.

If she has a good head on her shoulders, then she will realize that sooner or later in yalls relationship as you grow closer, your decisions and interactions with her will affect both her and the child, and that will put more scrutiny on what you do. You can kinda stay out of the way now, but if things get serious, then things will get amplified. Make sure your prepared for that.

Figure out what you want. Figure out if your ready to commit to helping someone raise a child, be responsible, make decisions that will affect the livelihood of a person that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Even if you stay together for a short period of time, and develop a relationship with the child, it will affect them. Be up front and tell her how you feel. That maybe you need some time to see if your ready. **** happens. If you decide to commit theres no telling that it will last anyways, but if your not prepared to give 110% then you need not proceed the other way.

Your young and you have a choice. Think about it for awhile.

[booballen]

There have to be some character issues with a girl who is 22 with a 4 year old child out of wedlock. Just saying maybe you should see it as a blessing that you find out about the child so early on and can now move on without hurting any feelings. You don't want to get involved in this, bro.

not necessarily true. people make mistakes. not saying it isnt true, but thats some pretty simplistic thinking.

[praise_gibbs]

Going through it right now, fellow brother. I have known my fiance for a long long time. However, we have been together for a tad over a year now. "Her daughter" is 4 and only knows me as her father. Her real dad, right now, to her is the very mean guy who stole her cat when she was about 2. My fiance does not have any contact with the father. He doesn't pay child support and I don't even think he lives in this state any longer. Though, if he did, he wouldn't want anything to do with the two of them anyway. To me, this just made it easier for me. I can see how difficult it would be with 2 guys in the childs life. I consider myself extremely lucky.

First and foremost, I am a home-body. I like to be home, I am not huge into partying, ect.. just a family man and always wanted kids of my own. I already had that mindset. So, if you think you will be able to hang out with your girl and go to parties, bars, clubs, ect and have tons of fun as majority of young couples do.. this isn't for you. Fun is now parks, watching kids movies, cartoons (my favorite part), just family oriented events. Though, you can still have friends and hang out here and there.

With me, I think it starts with understanding that the child is hers. You are not the father though, you must love the child as if it were your own. You are helping raise the child. This will help with the discipling factor. For the first year, I took a step back. Allowed my fiance to discipline her child though, I did have say if she were acting up. I did this because I didn't want to be some random mean guy playing dad. Trust me, if the kid doesn't like you, you and the girl are done. Regardless how you two feel about each other. I am just now slowly easing into the discipling factor with time-outs and being stern with her. She is already understanding that Dad is no push-over and she has to go to mommy for that. jk

I think I had it tough because at the same time, my fiance was pregnant with my daughter who is now 6 months. You can not show more love to "your daughter" and not to "hers". And I am not talking about the child being jealous or anything. I am talking about my fiance. I am talking about my family treating the baby differently because she is in the blood line and my step daughter obviously isn't. My lady was very sensitive to this fact and it was EXTREMELY tough to work out. Holy crap just thinking about how quick she and I were almost on the brink. I am glad to say that both my step-daughter and daughter are treated equally in my family. Always were, my fiance just had to trust that and it was a slow process.

I have grown a lot in the past year because of this but, I wouldn't change it for nothing.

At 4, Laila (my step daughter) is becoming a terror lol. She is very independent and wants to do everything herself. Pour the juice herself. Which is now spilled all over the floor. Paint her own nails. Which is all over the couch and floor. I think the only thing she doesn't want to do is get out of bed once she is in it and wants my fiance and I to be her servant and get her a snack, juice, her doll which is right next to her but just out of arms reach lol.

It's a tough job and its so much more than just playing dad for your lady. You will learn and you will grow from the experience. Just make sure this is something that you WANT to do. Don't just try it. You aren't just dating the lady. You are accepting the dad role if her child wants you to play the part. Don't be a guy who dates the lady for a short time and than realize that the dad role isn't for you, being 21 and wanting to play the role of most guys your age. I don't say this as a bad thing. You just need to make sure that you want to pursue to be dad for that child.

I wouldn't say to jump in the role and that everything will be roses. However, I am not saying to stay away from the role either. Talk to your lady. Address your concerns. Talk about it now while the child isn't attached to you.

I am coming up to a new hurdle very shortly... Getting married in August and I want to adopt her daughter as my own. Wish me luck.

[praise_gibbs]

There have to be some character issues with a girl who is 22 with a 4 year old child out of wedlock. Just saying maybe you should see it as a blessing that you find out about the child so early on and can now move on without hurting any feelings. You don't want to get involved in this, bro.

Or the 22 year old was possibly wild and now the child is her blessing and humbled her and in a sense 'controlled' her? I don't think it's fair that because a child was created out of wedlock at such a young age for the mother, to drawn a negative picture.

Things happen and people change. Kids can humble the most 'toughest' person. Just look at our very own Sean Taylor for just a very small example...

[Die Hard]

Very True, but the best indicator for future behavior is past behavior

Under normal circumstances, sure

But I haven't heard of any instance where being a "mother" was an aphrodisiac for women.

[mcsluggo]

There have to be some character issues with a girl who is 22 with a 4 year old child out of wedlock. Just saying maybe you should see it as a blessing that you find out about the child so early on and can now move on without hurting any feelings. You don't want to get involved in this, bro.

sanctimonious much?

[McD5]

Tough decision, and you have to weigh everything out--including financial implications.

You won't just be paying for 2 people to get a hotel room on a vacation. You will now be paying for 3.

Restaurant tabs for 3. Groceries for 3.

[ABQCOWBOY]

Well, I am step father to three children that are not mine. The oldest was 7 when I got her, my younger Son was 5 and my youngest daughter was 4. I have a Son from a previous marriage and he is my oldest. I would just say that in my experience, women who have children are usually more mature. They have different priorities and you have to be aware of this. If you have things in your life that you want to accomplish, then you must understand that if you take the responsibility of being a father and husband, there is a very good chance that you will have to sacrifice those things. This is not a certainty but it's a very good possibility, especially if these goals are materialistic in nature. Nothing wrong with wanting these kinds of things in your life but just understand that it's a huge responsibility and with that comes the reality that you are now influencing other lives. You have a direct responsability to a young person. That's pretty important IMO. There is no more important job in live then being a parent. To me, it's the most important thing I'll ever do. It's seldom easy and there will not be much thanks for it but it's well worth it if you are ready.

Be sure because once your in, there is no easy way to get out. You have to be in it for the long hall.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.

[SlobberKnockinFootball]

I've been talking to this one girl for the past month from school. Smart good, pretty, and really down to earth. So as soon as I have that going for me.. I find out she has a kid. She's 22 and a year older than me.

Since the majority of posters here are a little older and have more experience than me, I want to ask if anyone here has ever dealt with this before and how it affected them. Obviously this situation is going to make me fall back a little bit but I really think the girl is worth it.

Vigilante-

Being a single father and full custody of my child at 23.. I can tell you this.. You are not ready to be a father figure to a child. You still have a lot of "soiling your oats" and experiencing life in front of you. Going through all of this has a way of maturing a young man.. As i tell my son now who is 12, do not get married, get involved with a woman with a child or get into a serious relationship until you're at least around 30 years old. There is a huge part of growing up that you miss between the years of 21-30 that IMO are valuable to you maturing as a man.

Now let me make this clear, there have been plenty of people who've made being involved with a girl at such a young age w/a kid that made it work.. But if you have the choice.. go the other direction.

I was of the thinking at 22 that if me and my wife (ex-wife now) had a kid that would bring us together.. that's the furthest from the truth. It drove us apart... raising kids is not easy, whether it's yours or someone else's kid. Oh, and forget about hanging out with your boys too.. single mom's don't understand that type of mentality. They see it as they can't do the stuff you're doing, so you shouldn't do it either.

If you were older and she was older.. I'd say go for it man.. because at this point both parties are older and matured. That right there is a good start to making that type of relationship work. I could go on and on about this type of relationship forever.. for me.. I was on the other side of the fence at 23 and a single father.. So I've had a steady dose of reality thrown to me for the past 12 years man.

[jroc96]

Man...it's a tough one. I've tried my best to stay away from girls with kids.

Not to be selfish, although I guess it is to a point, but when I find someone and marry them I want to go through everything the first time with them (getting married, raising a kid, etc.).

I guess just understand that her child is her number one priority in life and that might get in the way of you guys at times. If you are willing to accept that and not get upset by that you should be fine.

It's not selfish I feel the exact same way as you. Like someone said make sure you won't have any problems with the father and everything should be good

[mcsluggo]

I've been talking to this one girl for the past month from school. Smart good, pretty, and really down to earth. So as soon as I have that going for me.. I find out she has a kid. She's 22 and a year older than me.

Since the majority of posters here are a little older and have more experience than me, I want to ask if anyone here has ever dealt with this before and how it affected them. Obviously this situation is going to make me fall back a little bit but I really think the girl is worth it.

nobody else can answer this for you... its all in your hands.

you obviously understand (at least at a superficial intelectual level) the "costs" that would be involved here--- what you would have to give up--- but you also say "but I really think the girl is worth it"

if you HONESTLY think that is the case, then you have already made your answer.

[Rudechain]

There have to be some character issues with a girl who is 22 with a 4 year old child out of wedlock. Just saying maybe you should see it as a blessing that you find out about the child so early on and can now move on without hurting any feelings. You don't want to get involved in this, bro.

People make mistakes, and learn from them.

Not sure where you get character issues from but from all accounts I have read, her character is really not in question. She is raising her child, and I believe going to school to improve her life. That to me exemplifies traits of a good character.

To the OP, you have to remember, your relationship with her will end up as a relationship with them. Not right away, but given some time, it will.

Are you ready to committ? Are you ready to be an example? Are you ready to sacrifice?

Having raised two that were not my own I can tell you it can be very tough. You give up everything that you were, and your entire identity changes. There is someone whose needs will come before your own. I remember someone said twenty years and that sounds pretty close.

You have got some things to think about. I don't want to push you away from her cause if she is "the one" you should go for it. When you find the one you want to share your life with, it's a thing of beauty.

Good luck.

[S.T.real,lights,out]

The kid's father left them. She's a single mother. Oh and the kid is almost 4 years old. So he's pretty much passed that stage.

Kind of a long the same lines with me but her daughter is not even 1 yet. But I've neve been happier. Just make sure you're ready to live a much different life. Not as much going out and stuff ya know? But it's def worth it man.

[santana_4_prez]

I don't think many ever say, "My goal is to date somebody with kids"...but I know of many cases where my guy friends have given it a try and ended up marrying the girl and couldn't be any happier! I say give it a whirl.

LOL, ever watch Jerry Macquire? "Don't shoplift the pooty from a single mom"

[RememberOsaka]

You still have a lot of "soiling your oats" and experiencing life in front of you..

that's just nasty...

[renaissance]

There are some times when it's absolutely necessary to be selfish. Considering whether to date someone with a kid is one of them - for your own benefit and the kid's.

[DCSaints_fan]

Vigilante-

Being a single father and full custody of my child at 23.. I can tell you this.. You are not ready to be a father figure to a child. You still have a lot of "soiling your oats" and experiencing life in front of you. Going through all of this has a way of maturing a young man.. As i tell my son now who is 12, do not get married, get involved with a woman with a child or get into a serious relationship until you're at least around 30 years old. There is a huge part of growing up that you miss between the years of 21-30 that IMO are valuable to you maturing as a man.

Bad advice...I guess its going to depend on the individual but I know plenty of people that get involved in their early 20s and have made it work... true the having a kids thing should probably be delayed until a bit later, though. The problem increasingly becomes that there aren't people available. 60% of all adults are married and the average age of first marriage for men is 26 and women is 22.... of the girls I know in my HS class, 90% of them are married and the ones that aren't... well you get the idea.

[SlobberKnockinFootball]

Bad advice...I guess its going to depend on the individual but I know plenty of people that get involved in their early 20s and have made it work... true the having a kids thing should probably be delayed until a bit later, though. The problem increasingly becomes that there aren't people available. 60% of all adults are married and the average age of first marriage for men is 26 and women is 22.... of the girls I know in my HS class, 90% of them are married and the ones that aren't... well you get the idea.

Did you not read my disclaimer that I'm not speaking for every early 20's person?

Not sure how it's bad advice to tell someone to go live their life first and settle down later. But to each and his own I suppose.

[SlobberKnockinFootball]

that's just nasty...

It's an expression for getting laid. You should check it out sometime!

[MattFancy]

Damn praise gibbs, seems like you have a good head on your shoulders man, congrats!

As for the OP, I haven't had the experience before, but if its something you feel like you can manage, go for it. Yeah maybe you can't go out and party all the time, but you'll be able to spend plenty of time with the gf if that's what you like. Its not an easy situation, but as long as you're comfortable with it, that's all that matters.

[MassSkinsFan]

It's an expression for getting laid. You should check it out sometime!

It's actually "sowing your oats" based on "sowing wild oats."

Soiling your oats is another nasty matter entirely

[HOF44]

"soiling your oats"

that's just nasty...

It's an expression for getting laid. You should check it out sometime!

I think you mean sowing your oats.

[SlobberKnockinFootball]

It's actually "sowing your oats" based on "sowing wild oats."

Soiling your oats is another nasty matter entirely

LOL LOL LOL that's what I meant! Thanks for the correction!!

[MassSkinsFan]

LOL LOL LOL that's what I meant! Thanks for the correction!!

Sure - I do kind of like "soiling" though. It takes the concept to an entirely new level. :evilg:

[kramdizzle]

just remember that mother's with kids don't date. . . . they are looking for potential husbands and fathers. Are you going to steal the ***** like jerry maguire???