dcnativenerd Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Well, some people just have that sort of personality. He's just a submissive sort of guy and she seems to be a dominate sort of gal. That's just how some people are wired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No_Pressure Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 My girlfriend always wants me to come up with things and tell her what to do. I don't like commanding other people around like that I'm always asking for her input in things but she doesn't like doing it or something...I guess some people are just like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 At the end of the day, the most common reason this happens is because of one thing - the woman believes she has a lot of other options, and the guy doesn't. Women are constantly approached, hit on, flirted with, etc. unless they're completely unattractive. Most guys aren't. They have to be at the top of the attractiveness totem pole for women to throw themselves at them they way guys do at women (speaking in generalities, of course). Therefore, the woman's knowledge of other immediate options is constantly reinforced, while the guy feels that if he puts his foot down and risks disrupting the relationship, he could face the Great Unknown. And when push comes to shove, most people will sacrifice their own desires for the good of the relationship if they don't have any obvious alternatives to the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Well, just from a female perspective, I think guys who are whipped (especially whipped like your BIL is so early in a relationship) are wusses in many aspects of their lives. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm not just singling out your BIL...my brother-in-law is the same way in his relationship with my younger sister. In fact, I was talking to my fiance and older brother about it last night. It was more of a gripefest about the "spoiled youngest child" which segued into how she has managed to whip her husband so well that he takes up extra work hours to make money for them...while at the same time, she's continually holding out for the "management position" so to speak. She "can't" possibly do college and work, therefore he has to work extra to pay for their lifestyle to which she'd grown-up accustomed to, which is absolutely absurd IMO. My brother and I are astounded that he lets her ge away with that crap instead of telling her to buck the hell up and get a low-paying part-time job (yes, it won't be $25 starting out, you're a college student, get over it) just like the rest of us have done throughout highschool, college, and beyond. We were trying to figure out why he lets himself get walked all over like that and we all came to the conclusion that he is a wuss, plain and simple. Who knows though, I'm sure there are a multiple factors that play into it including self-esteem issues or a submissive personality, but being chronically bossed around like that and not standing up against it is ridiculous. This is not a sexist issue in encouraging a guy to take charge, it's a fairness and mutual respect issue. It absolutely should be an equal relationship in marriages, neither partner should have a lopsided balance of power (with EITHER the female or male) because ultimately it's going to lead to a lot of resentment and problems. So to answer your question with my opinion, it's largely the wussie factor that leads to these situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 At the end of the day, the most common reason this happens is because of one thing - the woman believes she has a lot of other options, and the guy doesn't.Women are constantly approached, hit on, flirted with, etc. unless they're completely unattractive. Most guys aren't. They have to be at the top of the attractiveness totem pole for women to throw themselves at them they way guys do at women (speaking in generalities, of course). Therefore, the woman's knowledge of other immediate options is constantly reinforced, while the guy feels that if he puts his foot down and risks disrupting the relationship, he could face the Great Unknown. And when push comes to shove, most people will sacrifice their own desires for the good of the relationship if they don't have any obvious alternatives to the relationship. I'm not so sure about this. What you are saying may be a little part of the reason women are controlling, but I think it has more to do with trust issues. I have a friend who is very controlling, like referred to in the OP, and the reason she is like this is b/c she doesn't trust her boyfriend at all. He has never done anything to lose her trust, but her in a few of her past relationships she has been hurt badly from infidelity. I guess now she feels like if she controls every move he makes, he won't cheat on her like her exe's did. And I'm not saying this is true for all relationships, I mean some people are just controlling by nature, but maybe the trust issue plays a part in some of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I'm not so sure about this. What you are saying may be a little part of the reason women are controlling, but I think it has more to do with trust issues. I have a friend who is very controlling, like referred to in the OP, and the reason she is like this is b/c she doesn't trust her boyfriend at all. He has never done anything to lose her trust, but her in a few of her past relationships she has been hurt badly from infidelity.I guess now she feels like if she controls every move he makes, he won't cheat on her like her exe's did. And I'm not saying this is true for all relationships, I mean some people are just controlling by nature, but maybe the trust issue plays a part in some of them. You're talking about why the woman wants to exert that level of control. I'm talking about why the guy takes it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 You're talking about why the woman wants to exert that level of control. I'm talking about why the guy takes it. In that case, I think it goes back to self esteem and the "wuss factor" that K posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I have a friend who is very controlling, like referred to in the OP, and the reason she is like this is b/c she doesn't trust her boyfriend at all. Why is she dating him then? I guess now she feels like if she controls every move he makes, he won't cheat on her like her exe's did. Does she not realize that that type of behavior drives a guy away, making him more likely to cheat or leave her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 speak to 'em katie!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slateman Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I'm interested in getting your thoughts on the phenomenon of guys being "whipped" by their wives. Let me start with a story. My brother-in-law will be getting married in July, and my wife and her folks are concerned that he's already completely whipped by this woman he's about to marry. My wife's parents are moving up here to the DC area from where they live, for what in all likelihood will be the last move they ever make. They're staying in our house as they look at houses for sale here in the area. Anyway, they asked my brother-in-law if he would like to come look at this one particular house that they really like a lot. Well apparently my brother-in-law went and asked his fiancee for "permission" to come look at the house with us, and this morning over the phone he reported back that his fiancee "said that it would be ok" if he came to look at the house. Well this really pissed me off. His parents are about to make the last move of their lives, and he has to get PERMISSION to come look at the house they want to buy? WTF? He lives here in the area, so he could quickly and easily come and check out the house. And this was not the first sign we've noticed of him being completely whipped. He often jokes that he's the boss "until she tells me I'm not the boss." We've even tried to talk to him about the situation, but he appears to be in denial that he's whipped. So let me ask you this. How in the hell does this happen? I've known other guys who are similarly whipped by their wives, and I just don't get it. How does this process of becoming whipped begin? It almost seems as though some women break their husbands down emotionally to the point where the guy feels worthless without his spouse, and thus he becomes willing to robotically take orders and become completely subservient to his wife. I just have a very hard time relating to this phenomenon of guys just willingly emasculating themselves, and when it happens to a friend or a family member, it pisses me off. My wife and I have an equitable relationship, and neither one of us "controls" the other. We make decisions together, and each of us is reasonable with the other in terms of each other's time, space, etc. I'd never get in the way of her spending time with her friends or family, and she'd never get in the way of me doing the same either. So again, how does this happen, and why do some guys allow it to happen to themselves? And is anyone here in a similar situation who can shed light on how or why they allowed it to happen? And is there a way to get through to someone to get him to realize that he needs to reclaim his self-determination? This sounds eerily like my step brother. Except, well, I can top it. Not only is already whipped, but his fiancee bears a striking resemblance to his mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 In that case, I think it goes back to self esteem and the "wuss factor" that K posted. So you think that if the guys in these relationships had several women a week blatantly hit on them, they'd stay in the bad relationship because, well, new sex partners are just so scary? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Why is she dating him then? Does she not realize that that type of behavior drives a guy away, making him more likely to cheat or leave her? She doesn't trust any man b/c of all the stuff she went through with her previous relationships. She was cheated on a lot, so I am assuming based on conversations we've had, that she feels if she controls every move he makes he won't become another cheater. I'm sure she would have to realize that this type of behavior only pushes people away. But I think she is so blinded by her own lack of self esteem that she is just controlling anyway. Plus, being controlling is her way of feeling like she is protecting herself from future pain, so I don't see her changing anytime soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 So you think that if the guys in these relationships had several women a week blatantly hit on them, they'd stay in the bad relationship because, well, new sex partners are just so scary? I think that if they had a higher self esteem, regardless of how they get it, they might put their foot down and demand a little respect from their partner. And there are also some people who are afraid of being alone so they will put up with a lot of crap just to avoid that situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebowski Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 He might just be so apathetic that he doesn't care about doing things like looking at a house and likes to blame the controlling women for everything he never gets to do (that he doesn't really care if he does or not). Just guessing though. I don't understand why anyone would act like him or her for that matter. Or he could have control issues of his own. Maybe he tries to make it seem his time is more precious and needs more notice and attention to do things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubbs Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I think that if they had a higher self esteem, regardless of how they get it, they might put their foot down and demand a little respect from their partner. And there are also some people who are afraid of being alone so they will put up with a lot of crap just to avoid that situation. Hard to be afraid of being alone if you're told by other girls that you won't be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskinmickey Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 you probably misunderstood what he was saying. If im going to be late I call and Say "I'm going to blank, be home at 7". Thats how i communicate with her. your BIL probably was just letting her know what was going on but it came out kinda limp wristed. We all call to "ask" permission out of courtesy, some just sound a little ghey doing it.(if you just do whatever without a call you're either a bacholer, living with your mom, or on a quick trip to divorce.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandymac27 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hard to be afraid of being alone if you're told by other girls that you won't be. I'm speaking mainly in response to this: At the end of the day, the most common reason this happens is because of one thing - the woman believes she has a lot of other options, and the guy doesn't.Women are constantly approached, hit on, flirted with, etc. unless they're completely unattractive. Most guys aren't. They have to be at the top of the attractiveness totem pole for women to throw themselves at them they way guys do at women (speaking in generalities, of course). Therefore, the woman's knowledge of other immediate options is constantly reinforced, while the guy feels that if he puts his foot down and risks disrupting the relationship, he could face the Great Unknown. And when push comes to shove, most people will sacrifice their own desires for the good of the relationship if they don't have any obvious alternatives to the relationship. I was agreeing with this post, while also trying to say that there might be other reasons, like the whole trust thing, for why some women are controlling. If a guy doesn't feel confident that he'll get another women, he might stay in a crappy relationship if he's one of the types that are afraid to be alone. But, if there are obvious alternatives, as you have said, he may be quicker to end the relationship and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jthor99 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I can't even start to explain how many of my buddies are whipped. As matter of fact one of my best friends has been completley whipped for about a year. His current GF is a total whore, and for some reason he cannot see it. Anyway, I agree with the second post on this thread. People who allow this to happen simply DON'T have a dominant personality to allow that not to happen. My opinion is that there are too many women in this world that you allow yourself to be treated like crap by one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I think it is all about self-esteem...If you have low self-esteem you put up with this crap because you think you won't be able to get anyone else. Also, I think some co-dependency plays into guys who put up with dysfunctional/abnormal relationships. They believe they show now much they "love" their partner by putting up with the control and mistreatment. Whipped guys are in the classic parent/child type of dysfunctional relationship. I like this answer, and would add that some people (men and women) are very conflict-adverse. When you put someone like that with a person with a dominant personality who will use that to their advangtage, you get a person like your brother in law. But hey, if he's happy, he's happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Brave Little Toaster Oven Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 It sounds more to me like he was asking her because he didnt want to break any plans that were already made Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Tater Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hard to be afraid of being alone if you're told by other girls that you won't be. We're talking about self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem is very likely to not recognize that he is being hit on, even when those around him think its obvious (conversely, the guy with more self-esteem than he should have may think every girl, even when she just smiles at him, is hitting on him). Even if he does recognize the fact, that person might feel the effort to "close the deal" is not worth it (this is very likely to occur if he is depressed). I've only once seen an attractive girl hit on a guy so strongly that no effort was required on his part and I think she was drunk. Also, depending on your needs, just because she's physically attractive, does not mean she will fill those needs. Finally, most of the attractive girls I know who would actually hit on a guy and mean it (aside from already having some sort of deeper relationship), are pretty assertive and probably wouldn't go after a wimp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCollins Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 he allows himself to be put in this position. he is most likely a submissive personality and his wife is a dominant one. Is that really such a bad thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chachie Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 DeanCollins F...T...W. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry Brown #43 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 I would only "ask permission" if it were to break plans I/we already had or if it was a decent expenditure of resources. I'd assume she would do the same, as I have a partnership with my wife. I completely agree Doyler. Don't get me wrong, if I want to break some pre-existing plans, or if it's something out of the ordinary, then yes, I'll ask permission. Or I might check to make sure I haven't forgotten about some pre-existing plans before I make other plans. Nothing wrong with that, and I don't consider that whipped at all. That's just common courtesy and should be par for the course. Maybe your brother-in-law has the same relationship with his wife and she got equal say in whether he would go help look at the house. She didn't get in the way of him going, so no harm no foul, right? you probably misunderstood what he was saying. If im going to be late I call and Say "I'm going to blank, be home at 7". Thats how i communicate with her. your BIL probably was just letting her know what was going on but it came out kinda limp wristed. We all call to "ask" permission out of courtesy, some just sound a little ghey doing it.(if you just do whatever without a call you're either a bacholer, living with your mom, or on a quick trip to divorce.) It sounds more to me like he was asking her because he didnt want to break any plans that were already made OK, I'll respond to the three posts above all at once, because they're all driving at the same point. Here's the thing, guys. The story I mentioned in the original post is just ONE example of a thousand examples I could have given. I even pointed out in the original post that he freely admits that she is the boss in the relationship. I find that weird. Let me put it to you this way. His fiancee is always helping her friends move, driving her friends to buy new cars, planning social events with her friends. She does not ask him for permission to do these things. She tells him where to be and when, and what to do when he gets there. Yet the one time his parents would like to have him there for a very important event in their lives, he has to ask for "permission." Trust me, I didn't type that long-winded original post over a simple misunderstanding. The guy is whipped, pure and simple. And he even admits that his fiancee is the boss. If you really want me to, I can give you more examples of what I'm talking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaceman Spiff Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 He should tell her "Don't be that girl, no one likes that girl." I've found that squelches it about 90% of the time. Edit: Emphasis on THAT girl....say it "Don't be THAT girl, no one likes THAT girl." If she's smart, she knows exactly who THAT girl is and realizes she's being THAT girl and no one really does like her. Unless she doesn't give a crap, then you can't win. Great thing about that phrase is that you can use it in practically any given situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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