PleaseBlitz Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 There are a lot of apocalyptic scenarios looming out there, in various religious sects in the nooks and crannies of history. Though the scenarios are wildly different in method, you can rest assured that most will leave us all equally dead. While we can't know which one is actually going to happen, here are the ones we're rooting for, along with the heavy metal album cover each most resembles. #5.Judgment Day Source: Christian New Testament What to watch for: Four guys on a multicolored assortment of horses will charge across the world, spreading War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. In other words, things will look exactly like they do now, so you'll need to actually see the horses to know something is up. What comes next: Few denominations can agree on what happens, and when. The basic idea is that while we all play "Spot the Antichrist" amid tornadoes and earthquakes, pretty much every comet in the universe hits Earth, turning the rivers and seas to poison blood. Mankind fights a gargantuan war involving 200 million soldiers. Then, invincible scorpion locusts swarm across the land, stinging the crap out of everyone who hasn't been marked by God. Satan walks the Earth. Then, after a period of time somewhere between seven to 1,000 years, Jesus returns with tears of love in his eyes, and gives everyone a pass to Heaven. Ha, no, we were kidding. The Good Shepherd divides the survivors into "sheep" and "goats." Guess which group spends an eternity in everlasting fire. Can you survive it? The Christian apocalypse is tricky. Some sects say the believers will be sucked off Earth before any of the most terrible stuff happens, leaving the other 99 percent of humanity to suffer the millennium of unspeakable horrors. Others think the believers will be left to do battle with Satan' hordes along with the rest of the godless heathens. Luckily, according to the Bible, all this can only come when no one is expecting it. So we're safe for now, thanks to this article. A heavy metal album cover for reference: Iron Maiden - The Number of the Beast Rating: Seven separate seals, trumpets, thunders and judgments, including war and disease and meteors and monsters ... at times the author seemed to be spinning the Wheel O' Disaster to see what kind of horror would strike the world next. It's all over the place and honestly, it just feels like piling on. We give it a 4/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted May 17, 2008 Author Share Posted May 17, 2008 #4.The Coming of Gochihr Source: The ancient Persian religion of Zoroastrianism. What to watch for: A comet named Gochihr strikes Earth, causing the human race to act "like a sheep being attacked by a wolf." What comes next: Waves of holy, molten metal ripple across the entire surface of the world. All people, living and dead, will be judged. Those who have spent their time feeding the poor and not making fun of people with bad haircuts will be able to swim around in the lava-like "warm milk." The heartless ones, such as murderers and cruel reality-show judges, will be burned until their sins are gone. Most of us will wind up doing the flaming backstroke long before the screaming stops. As the burning continues, a virgin-born man named Saoshyant, or "one who brings benefit", will defeat the forces of evil and usher in a perfect world where no one ever suffers or dies. Can you survive it? Sure. Even the worst cat-raping **** is only looking at three days of agony, followed by eternal paradise once all the bad parts are gone. It' fairly easy to see why Zoroastrianism makes the followers of newer religions irritable. A heavy metal album cover for reference: DragonForce - Sonic Firestorm Rating: Zoroastrianism has the first recorded "End-of-the-World" prophecy, making it kind of like the Lord of the Rings: It inspired a whole generation of more recent and exciting works, but was boring as hell until Peter Jackson made a movie out of it. With only one comet and a single battle, Zoroastrians simply cannot compete in the modern apocalypse market. Still, originality earns it a 5/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted May 17, 2008 Author Share Posted May 17, 2008 #3.The Return of Pahana Source: The Hopi tribe of Native-Americans What to watch for: The arrival of white men in the lands of the Hopi Indians, taking land that isn't theirs and killing their enemies with hand-held thunder. Wait a minute. Uh oh. What comes next: It looks like we got to this prophecy a little late. The foretold snakes of iron, electronic spider webs and rivers of stone have already crossed the world and the seas are already polluted. Some people say the ninth and final sign, a "dwelling place in the stars falling to earth," happened in 1979 when Skylab crash-landed in Australia. All that' left is the great wars between the White Man and his enemy in the deserts- Goddammit. Can you survive it? The Hopi were polite enough to provide this part for us. According to prophecy, those who wish to avoid all the diseases and destruction should move to the lands of the Hopi. The bad news: "the lands of the Hopi" means Arizona. The good news: It' only temporary. Any day now, the Hopi are expecting the return of Pahana, or the "lost white brother" from the stars that left them thousands of years ago. When he descends, the survivors become wise and start making the world a better place. Still, Arizona. A heavy metal album cover for reference: Iron Maiden - Brave New World Rating: What the Hopi' "great renewal" lacks in rivers of boiling blood and screaming demonic dragons, it makes up in deadly accuracy. Though it appears we're 98 percent of the way through this one, it' not really our fault: It was only revealed to the outside world in 1959. 6/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted May 17, 2008 Author Share Posted May 17, 2008 #2.Nahui Ollin — The End of the Fifth Era Source: Aztec mythology What to watch for: A total solar eclipse lasting forever. This happens because the Aztec nation was destroyed by Spanish invaders in the 1500s, and hasn't been feeding Nanahuatzin, or the Sun, the human sacrifices he needs to stay healthy and strong. Good going, Spain. What comes next: According to most early Central American cultures, the world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars. The Aztecs believed the sun would have saved us from the Tzitzimime, had they been allowed to keep feeding it human hearts. But, of course, ****ing Spain came along. Can you survive it? Read the last description of the Tzitzimime above. Do the bony, spider creatures sound familiar at all? Yeah. So it's these things, or the army of skeleton monsters. Almost a coin toss. We won't pull any punches: It's been 500 years since our last heart donation, so the Tzitzimime are long overdue. Today, most humans are too selfish to donate our organs to science, so forget appeasing the wrathful gods. And, we won't even stop driving our SUVs to avert the sun's wrath, so forget about any crash programs to ramp up the human sacrifices. Maybe Sigourney Weaver will come along and battle their queen from a construction bot, but we're thinking we need to get the hell off this planet anyway, just to be safe. Though our warp engines might tear a passage through to hell or our own ship' artificial intelligence may decide that human life must be extinguished, we have to take the risk because those Aztec gods just do not give a ****. A heavy metal album cover for reference: Helloween - Walls of Jericho Rating: Man, the Aztecs didn't **** around. Apocalypses were routine with these guys. We're thinking the Aztec prophets couldn't make headlines unless they predicted the world wasn't going to end the next year. It gives you some perspective on why the Aztecs were so keen on the sacrifices that would keep their gods full and sleepy, even if it does make us wonder just how devastating their apocalypses actually are if they happen more frequently than the Ryder Cup. 7/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted May 17, 2008 Author Share Posted May 17, 2008 #1.Ragnarök Source: Norse Mythology What to watch for: A three-season-long winter. Of course, with all the mindless killing we'll be doing, we'll barely notice. What comes next: Wolves eat the sun, Norse Trickster God Loki escapes from ropes made of his son' intestines and hijacks a ship made of dead men' toenails, and Jörmungandr, the World Serpent, rises from the oceans and spews poison across the lands and skies. Regardless of the fact that they know full well how the whole damn thing is going to end, the gods stab, poison, burn and eat each other until Earth sinks into the ocean. Can you survive it? We have a really narrow window here. The short version is that this is all Loki' fault, despite that he' currently tied up beneath the world getting venom dripped into his eyes. Once he gets free, you can't turn around anywhere on Earth without bumping into dragons, fallen world trees and cowardly Viking zombies. Only two humans, Lif and Lifthrasir, are scheduled to survive Ragnarök by hiding in the Yggdrasil, the world tree. It stands to reason that a tree large enough to connect hell, Earth and the heavens together would have plenty of places to hide, though. Heavy metal album covers for reference: From left to right: Hammerfall - Renegade Manowar - Warriors of the World Cannibal Corpse - Gore Obsessed DragonForce - Valley of the Damned Center: Dio - The Very Beast of Dio Rating: With cast members like Odin All-Father, Norse Thunder God Thor, and Fenrir, a wolf so large that he has to crouch not to leave Earth' atmosphere, it'll be like the drawing on the back of every fantasy geek' notebook has suddenly sprung to life. This is the only apocalypse that ends with blood arcing through the air in slow motion while someone screams "Heimdall! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" If you make it into the Yggdrasil tree, find a place where you've got a view because we think even the Norse prophets agreed this is going to be wicked awesome. 9/10. www.cracked.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jpillian Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Dude, where the heck is #1!?!?! I can't wait for #1!?!?! (Probably the most original thread I've seen in the tailgate in a while. Nice! ) Edited: N/M -- you completed the ?Pentology? of apocalypses before I posted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaceman Spiff Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 What to watch for: Four guys on a multicolored assortment of horses will charge across the world, spreading War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. In other words, things will look exactly like they do now, so you'll need to actually see the horses to know something is up. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Luckily, according to the Bible, all this can only come when no one is expecting it. So we're safe for now, thanks to this article. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvoSkins Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Fun times! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HogNose Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Only one thing to do now....... :koolaid: :munchout: :koolaid: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
33 Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 If I knew how to rate threads this one would get as many stars as they allow. Unfortunately, all 5 apocalypse's will probably come before I learn how to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Great thread ~Bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HogNose Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 #4.The Coming of GochihrWhat comes next: Those who have spent their time feeding the poor and not making fun of people with bad haircuts will be able to swim around in the lava-like "warm milk." The heartless ones, such as murderers and cruel reality-show judges, will be burned until their sins are gone. Most of us will wind up doing the flaming backstroke long before the screaming stops. Can you survive it? Sure. Even the worst cat-raping **** is only looking at three days of agony, followed by eternal paradise once all the bad parts are gone. It' fairly easy to see why Zoroastrianism makes the followers of newer religions irritable. :rotflmao: :rotflmao: This thread is funny as hell. Great stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 maybe we should just all talk to Bruce Dickinson because Iron Maiden seems to have the inside scoop on whats going on judging by their album covers.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honeydont Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 All this basically sounds like a new GWAR video. Who cares really the point is to live life to its fullest now and dont worry about your last breath and when it happens. Youv'e got to live life like youre on vacation- Kiss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jumbo Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Where's the link to where you're pasting all this from? Great stuff. <edit> here it is: http://www.cracked.com/article_14977_5-most-kick-ass-apocalyptic-prophecies.html very cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsHokieFan Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Don't you have class tomorrow morning? :doh: So do I. Stupid test Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coach Williams Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Ediited with COLOR commentary :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: What to watch for: Four guys on a multicolored assortment of horses will charge across the world, spreading War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. In other words, things will look exactly like they do now, so you'll need to actually see the horses to know something is up. Sorry....these horsemen are NOT physical beasts but SPIRITS sealed up and released before God at a specific time. White, Black, Red and Green....and each one ( from a futurist perspective ) is already roaming the world controling the heart of man. Few denominations can agree on what happens, and when. The basic idea is that while we all play "Spot the Antichrist" amid tornadoes and earthquakes, pretty much every comet in the universe hits Earth, turning the rivers and seas to poison blood. The antichrist is the man who confirms the Abrahamic covenant and then AFTERWARD 3 1/2 years later stands in the currently UNBUILT temple of the jews and claims to be God and stops animal sacrifice. Mankind fights a gargantuan war involving 200 million soldiers. This is the 6th trump and China is MORE than capible of fielding a 200 million man army logistically. This army MOST likely represents ALL of radicial Islam attemting to pinnacle the green horse into man's spirit. However the China,iran,russia, india vs USA, taiwan struggles seem to point toward asia. Then, invincible scorpion locusts swarm across the land, stinging the crap out of everyone who hasn't been marked by God. This is just dumb.....they mixed up the 5th trump with the 6th and 7th seal.....they are a MINIMUM of 3-4 years apart..... The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. On their heads they wore something like crowns of gold, and their faces resembled human faces. 8Their hair was like women's hair, and their teeth were like lions' teeth. 9They had breastplates like breastplates of iron, and the sound of their wings was like the thundering of many horses and chariots rushing into battle. 10They had tails and stings like scorpions, and in their tails sorry, these aren't invincible scorpion locusts....they are helicopters :laugh: Satan walks the Earth. Then, after a period of time somewhere between seven to 1,000 years, It is 1000.....clear as glass.....read the Bible..... Jesus returns with tears of love in his eyes, and gives everyone a pass to Heaven. Umm...no....jesus returns 1000 years prior....The 1000 year reign is the reign of christ prior to the battle of gog and magog....seriously...did he even read the last page? Ha, no, we were kidding. The Good Shepherd divides the survivors into "sheep" and "goats." Guess which group spends an eternity in everlasting fire. ok, he just made this up Can you survive it? The Christian apocalypse is tricky. Some sects say the believers will be sucked off Earth before any of the most terrible stuff happens, These people HOPE they are right but it takes all of about 3 minutes to prove conclusively that EVERYONE goes through the ( futurist ) tribulation. leaving the other 99 percent of humanity to suffer the millennium of unspeakable horrors. 99% was a made up stat........Jesus only said the path the heaven is less traveled, NOT consisting of 1% of the populous. Others think the believers will be left to do battle with Satan' hordes along with the rest of the godless heathens. Well, that's what the Bible says.....God's army rises up to defend Israel against the invading kings of the EAST in the battle of meggido. Luckily, according to the Bible, all this can only come when no one is expecting it. So we're safe for now, thanks to this article. no, Jesus didn't say we wouldn't expect it.....he said he will come as a thief. On one hand, sure, you don't know a thief is coming HOWEVER Jesus also said that the generation that sees these signs shall not pass......The paragraph prior was referring to the viles and the final seals at the END of the tribulation......those events happen in the final 3.5 days to Christs return ( some argue it happened already, this isn't the time nor the place ) and monsters These MONSTERS....aren't MONSTERS.....they are the animals that represent the combined nations who form the endtime one world government..... They are: The feet of the bear , mouth of the Lion ( which has Eagles wings growing from it ---->) , 4 heads of the leopard , wings of the Rooster from the leopard......... or in modern terms.... The bear is russia and supports the UN's military on that hemisphere is need be. leopard is complicated but Germany once explained.... The rooster is france and of course the mouth of the lion is representing the UK which uses English as it's primary language and this is the official language of the one world government. As for the Eagle....The book of daniel depicts the Eagles wings growing from the Lion. Where did the USA come from......later on the Eagles wings were PLUCKED from the lion..... long story short.....daniel witnessed the declaration of independence..... oh don't act like you don't find this stuff interesting.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
techboy Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 ok, he just made this up 1) Go read Matthew 25:31–46 2) Lighten up, Francis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Springfield Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Which ever apocalypse you choose, they are all George W. Bush's fault! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WVUforREDSKINS Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 "The bear is russia and supports the UN's military on that hemisphere is need be. leopard is complicated but Germany once explained.... The rooster is france" that damn rooster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coach Williams Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 1) Go read Matthew 25:31–46 touche I was taking the OPP to literally here.....didn't even think of this parable.... :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted May 17, 2008 Author Share Posted May 17, 2008 touche I was taking the OPP to literally here.....didn't even think of this parable.... :laugh: Agnostic :owned: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corcaigh Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 It's all over the place and honestly, it just feels like piling on. QFT :laugh: Thomas Jefferson himself "considered it as merely the ravings of a maniac, no more worthy nor capable of explanation than the incoherences of our own nightly dreams". "the leopard is complicated but Germany once explained" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chachie Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Props to PB for a cool thread. Can't wait for the party to start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corcaigh Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 #1.RagnarökSource: Norse Mythology If you make it into the Yggdrasil tree, find a place where you've got a view because we think even the Norse prophets agreed this is going to be wicked awesome. 9/10. Man, I might have to get Age of Mythology out on the computer again and go rampage with the Norse civilization and their gods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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