HtownRocks111 Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Hi guys I was just wondering the general thoughts and opinions of you who are willing to read this. I'm asking because I want reassurance if I'm being reasonable or if I'm not and I just need to be more sensitive to my wife. My wife and I had a very rough relationship. She's been classified as a narcissist and a bully whereas I'm more of the snake in the relationship where I run and hide instead of fighting back against her and avoiding confrontation. About a year ago I began casually seeing another female on the side. I wasn't happy with what I did and how I did it but I didn't know how to break away from my marriage. Every time I tried discussing it my wife would attempt to hurt herself or make me believe we just haven't tried hard enough. We've been through 5 different marriage counselors and 2 of them recommended we separate. We have a 7 year old son who is the sweetest boy in the world who has a great relationship with both of us. Last December my new relationship and I got pregnant and that's when I left my marriage and home. Back in March my wife and I had got into a argument outside of her work place and she was trying to access my girlfriends car so I restrained her. Her co workers saw us and assumed I was being abusive so they called the cops. Before the cops could get there my wife kicked my in my shin, not very hard but enough to where I would say it was crossing the line. The cops get there and take our statements, I was concerned for myself since two her of co workers assumed I was being abusive and probably told 911 that when they called so I wanted to be as clear and honest as I could. My wife and I both told the cop the same story, he asked her if she kicked me and she said yes so she gets arrested on the sppot just for admitting it. I even tried getting her out of it but I couldn't. 3 days later she gets terminated from her job because of being arrested on her workplaces property. So now its been 2 months later and she still hasn't found work. 95% of my salary goes to my wife to help pay for the mortgage and all the bills. My girlfriend is unable to work due to severe pains (PGP) associated with being pregnant. So my question is about custody for my son. I'm not trying to rock the boat and piss my wife off even more because she gets so dramatic and does crazy sh*t when she gets upset. She makes it extremely difficult for my to see my son. I can see him anytime I want but I have to tell her 2 days in advance the day and time I want to see him so she doesnt have plans already made... if I drive my gfs car I have to park down the street and walk to her house. She won't let me drive my son in my gfs car I have to take hers. She won't let my son come over to my gfs house which is where I live. I've been to a lawyer and hes told me theres no reason i couldn't get 50/50 custody if I went for that. That would KILL my wife if I did so I haven't done that. I did go to court and file for custody and we have mediation meetings planned in the next few weeks and all I'm asking for is Friday night, Saturday night, and he can go back to her on Sunday evening. So given all the details here is it wrong for her to keep my son from coming over here to see his dad? I understand where shes coming from how I betrayed her with my girlfriend and I cheated and I even got her pregnant.... but that just means I was a bad husband to her, not a bad dad to our son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoCalMike Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Did your side piece know you were married? Honesty, the fact that you knocked another women up really mucked up the situation. You could still probably get 50/50 custody despite that as long as there is nothing else to suggest you're a harm or danger to your son, but just be ready for him to be confused by the situation and even a little hurt and resentful eventually. Now why exactly would it "kill your wife" for you to have 50/50 custody? Is it because she can't bare to be without your child full time, or is it more because she'd view it as "normalizing" the situation as far as you having a pregnant girlfriend etc etc etc..? What percentage of the time right now do you see your son? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HtownRocks111 Posted May 12, 2017 Author Share Posted May 12, 2017 8 minutes ago, NoCalMike said: Did your side piece know you were married? Honesty, the fact that you knocked another women up really mucked up the situation. You could still probably get 50/50 custody despite that as long as there is nothing else to suggest you're a harm or danger to your son, but just be ready for him to be confused by the situation and even a little hurt and resentful eventually. Now why exactly would it "kill your wife" for you to have 50/50 custody? Is it because she can't bare to be without your child full time, or is it more because she'd view it as "normalizing" the situation as far as you having a pregnant girlfriend etc etc etc..? What percentage of the time right now do you see your son? Because regardless of how much I reeassured my wife my gf wouldnt be his new "mommy" and she would be replaced she would feel that way. I see him right now about 2 or 3 times a week for 1-2 hours at a time. I also go see him at lunch during school for 30 minutes 1 or 2 times a week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dont Taze Me Bro Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 So your wife would try to hurt herself when you mentioned getting separated and instead of just filing separation papers or just moving out to begin with, you cheated on her, got the girlfriend pregnant and ended up moving out anyhow. And the cheating, baby with another woman and moving out didn't result in your wife trying to hurt herself? Sounds somewhat fishy, no offense. Anyhow, she shouldn't use your child to punish you, imo. As long as you are not a danger to him, which it sounds like you aren't, she should want y'alls kid to have a healthy relationship with both of you, regardless of how y'alls relationship ends up. If you are only wanting custody on Friday and Saturday nights and get it, she can't tell you that your girlfriend can't be around, or you have to park your car here and there, she can't enforce that either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HtownRocks111 Posted May 12, 2017 Author Share Posted May 12, 2017 3 minutes ago, Dont Taze Me Bro said: So your wife would try to hurt herself when you mentioned getting separated and instead of just filing separation papers or just moving out to begin with, you cheated on her, got the girlfriend pregnant and ended up moving out anyhow. And the cheating, baby with another woman and moving out didn't result in your wife trying to hurt herself? Anyhow, she shouldn't use your child to punish you, imo. As long as you are not a danger to him, which it sounds like you aren't, she should want y'alls kid to have a healthy relationship with both of you, regardless of how y'alls relationship ends up. If you are only wanting custody on Friday and Saturday nights and get it, she can't tell you that your girlfriend can't be around, or you have to park your car here and there, she can't enforce that either. She did try to hurt herself. Alot of cuts on her arms and tried taking a bottle of depression pills and I don't know if she's serious or just trying for my attention like she did alot in the past but if she was or wasn't you have to treat it like she was being serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadySkinsFan Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 When my daughter and SIL separated, he stayed in the family home and my daughter moved out. My granddaughter was about eight, now eleven. This is what they have worked out. Adrienne moved to an apartment close by so Olive could attend the same school. She spends Sunday through Wednesday nights with her dad. She comes home from school to my daughter's, and her dad picks her us on his nights. Olive spends Thursday through Saturday night at Adrienne's. They alternate Wednesday and Thursday. Seth has off Saturday and Sunday, Adrienne Friday and Saturday. So both parents get a weekend day/night. They talk constantly, both houses have the same set of rules. Olive, in the beginning, had a hard time with her parents splitting and tried to play them off against each other. Constancy on the part of both parents is the key. Adrienne says they are better co-parents than partners. Olive comes first. The arrangement is subject to life. When my brother died last August, Seth took care of Olive so Adrienne could fly here and be with me for several days, memorial and all. They alternate holidays. They are both very mature about this. Seth has a livein. GF, and Adrienne has a BF. Neither cheated on the other, it just ran it's course. If you need a mediator to help with custody arrangements, be truth and adult about everything. Since your wife isn't employed, you will have to step up with more money until she can get a job. You bear responsibility because when you restrained her, she had to resort to a kick to the shin to get away. It's too bad it all came to that. I'm surprised you weren't charged with unlawful detainment. You both need to keep a cool head through this. You also bear responsibility for breaking your marriage. Try not to attack your wife both mentally and physically, the goal is to support your son, not bad mouth his mother, and try to co-parent effectively. Good luck to all, especially this little boy who's hurting through no fault of his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renegade7 Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 8 minutes ago, HtownRocks111 said: She did try to hurt herself. Alot of cuts on her arms and tried taking a bottle of depression pills and I don't know if she's serious or just trying for my attention like she did alot in the past but if she was or wasn't you have to treat it like she was being serious. When you say she took a bunch of depression pills, you mean she took a handful or was actually trying to take herself out? I have a co-worker who is a stepmom and the biological mother of the kid took enough pills that she would've been successful if they didn't find her and pump her stomach when she did. She can't be around the kid for now without another adult around, and that's because she started taking the pills while the kid was still in the house. At this point your wife may have issues, but she's also manipulating the **** out of you and a threat to your son. You might as well go for 50/50 and call her bluff, because she's not getting the help she needs and this may force the issue. Much as you care about her and don't want her to off herself, your kid is around it, limit the exposure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HtownRocks111 Posted May 12, 2017 Author Share Posted May 12, 2017 4 minutes ago, LadySkinsFan said: When my daughter and SIL separated, he stayed in the family home and my daughter moved out. My granddaughter was about eight, now eleven. This is what they have worked out. Yeah, I would want 50/50 if I could but I'm going to be working 5 (or 6) nights a week (I work overnights) and it would be pointless for me to get my son more days and not be around to even spend time with him. And the whole her kicking my shin thing this happened before I detained her. She was trying to enter property that was not hers I had every right to keep her from doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dont Taze Me Bro Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 12 minutes ago, HtownRocks111 said: She did try to hurt herself. Alot of cuts on her arms and tried taking a bottle of depression pills and I don't know if she's serious or just trying for my attention like she did alot in the past but if she was or wasn't you have to treat it like she was being serious. So by treating it like she was serious, you made a decision to cheat on her and thought that would be fine? If really scared and worried that she would harm herself, why risk the chance of cheating and getting caught or in this case getting a gf pregnant and being forced to come clean? I guess I just don't understand your logic on how this was handled in the first place. And I'm just having a discussion on what was posted, not trying to pile on you or come across as a jerk. Again, if you aren't placing your child in a harmful environment and are a good father and surrounding him with good people and love, there is no reason for her to not let you see them. Sounds like you are letting her strong arm you because of the guilt you feel for the actions you took. She has the right to be pissed off at you a million times over, but should not use your child as a weapon to hurt you further. And if/when you get custody on those days, she can't control who is with you at your place (new gf) unless that is something written into the visitation, which I wouldn't imagine that would be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadySkinsFan Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 A mediator will take all facts into consideration, that's what they do. They are impartial. Your wife must not be too much of a threat to your son's welfare if you feel comfortable leaving him there most of the week. Your having him on weekends seems reasonable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rattlesnake88 Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Never tell police a damn thing. Sucks she lost her job. Horrible situation to be in though. Honestly I would stay the lawyer route and figure out what can be done. Try to find a medium between the two of you, if she can't play ball then take it to court. goodluck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoony Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Wow, glad you are thinking of your son and trying for his best interests That is a tough situation and I hope the best for him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimmySmith Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 She's nuts and you handled it about as poorly as you could. It also sounds like she wants you back in the house and doesn't want a divorce. Does she have a lawyer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 My ex and i had a nasty breakup, and i made sure she kept a relationship[ with our son, who stayed with me. It often was not easy to swallow everything to go over and drop him off, but the main thing she has to recognize and consider is that it is bigger than her now, and the split between you two can affect your child GREATLY, or you can minimize it by making sure each of you has a healthy relationship with your child. It is and should be the most important thing for both of you at this point, to try to minimize the impact on your kid. but, to be totally frank, it sounds like you ****ed up, and your ex to be is immature, and she's going to have mommy issues no matter who the other woman is. SO.. rather than inhibit your kid (Don't tel mommy you had fun today, or that girlfriend taught you to catch a butterfly, etc. ) make sure your ex knows your intention towards HER relationship with your child is honorable and you INTEND to make sure your child grows up with a healthy relationship with her. Not for HER, but for the child. it is important they have good relationships with their parents. (Fact is, split households are so common these days lots of schools send home two sets of paperwork for both parents homes. ) Go sign up for child protective services, and tell your ex to do the same,, that way she is also assured that ifg YOU get out of line, she has recourse. And if she gets out of line or does anything stupid, let the law handle it. And yes, she is wrong to prevent you from seeing your child unless you're a threat to the kid. Most important thing: the kid. Period. do not start their life off as ****ed up as these situations can make it. It's the worst thing you could do. Bottom line, your ****ing problems are not theirs, and if they become theirs, they will carry them for their entire life. ) be the adult, even when it's hard. and believe me, i know how hard it can be. but you and your ex and your girlfriend will get by it, but they will grow up through it, and whatever you do will affect them profoundly. Especially at his age.. 7 is old enough to know what is going on, and young enough to not be able to understand. sorry if i sound harsh, but as i've said, i've been in a situation that is similar while not being similar. It was bad, my kid was 2, I raised him through it, and i know from which end i am speaking. ~Bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 My concern would be, considering that she is a threat to herself...she might be a danger to the child. I'd fight to have my son. You are going to end up on child support and alimony, screw that noise. Other things here...What in the Blue Hell were you thinking getting a side chick pregnant ? That's completely irresponsible, cheating aside. Yourself, 2 women, a kid, and one one on the way...one job ? Hell no !!! Both of those women need to be working bringing in some kind of money, even if it is only part time. And what were you thinking going to a volatile person's work place in someone else's car ? You HAD to know it was going to go bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 3 hours ago, LadySkinsFan said: You bear responsibility because when you restrained her, she had to resort to a kick to the shin to get away. It's too bad it all came to that. I'm surprised you weren't charged with unlawful detainment. unlawful detainment for preventing someone from breaking into a car? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadySkinsFan Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 You call the cops if someone is breaking into a car. You don't take it upon yourself to restrain them. Let the cops deal with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 2 hours ago, LadySkinsFan said: You call the cops if someone is breaking into a car. You don't take it upon yourself to restrain them. Let the cops deal with it. We will reeducate you once ya get here. **** dat ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renegade7 Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 16 hours ago, LadySkinsFan said: You call the cops if someone is breaking into a car. You don't take it upon yourself to restrain them. Let the cops deal with it. My experience with domestic issues is once the cops get involved, its out of ya'lls control, no more chance to de-escalate and move on like adults should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 Maybe she killed him ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PokerPacker Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 On 5/12/2017 at 8:51 PM, LadySkinsFan said: You call the cops if someone is breaking into a car. You don't take it upon yourself to restrain them. Let the cops deal with it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citizen's_arrest#Common_law Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 Family law is a whole other beast. Go ahead, stop her from breaking into the car. watch your kid pay for it when the court doesn't care about statutes and wikipedia what not, and decides it's an escalation of the problems between you two, and that it got physical. Her lawyer will eat you for breakfast. Once the law gets involved, it IS out of your hands, which is where you want it once that sort of **** starts to happen. Keep yourself square, play it straight, and the courts will do what is in the best interest of the child.. which is typically NOT removal or any foster home horrors.. depending on you. You go getting physical, regardless of how "right" you may be, you lose. The law is black and white, and it doesn't allow for much gray area, which family lawyers know. Stay on the right side of the law. If she's breaking into a car, call the cops, have her arrested for B&E / vandalism, whatever. You go jumping in and charges appear on you, too, regardless. The court wants to see stability. Physical confrontations do not engender any feelings of trust from them. ~Bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 @Bang , that is because men have limited rights in relationship situations and child situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
codeorama Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 The longer you wait to get custody, the harder it will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoshuaj Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 You think there will ever be a "BEFORE I make a goofed up decision that will cast my already convoluted life further into chaos what say ye ES?" post? nah,........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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