Married? How many days/weeks between kiss/sex?

[Forehead]

Ok, so knocking some chick up and bailing is honorable. My bad.

:thumbsup:

Not going to start an argument in a thread where someone is looking for advice, but this actually brings up an important question.

When I posted my original response, I said that the OP could still be a good father to his kid even with a divorce. My assumption was that both parents would live near each other, the child would be visited often, taken care of, etc.

Does that still constitute bailing out? In my opinion, it does not because you are still being as active as possible in the child's life and helping to raise it. What does everyone else think?

[Henry]

Another thing to consider, after a woman has a kid, it can be a REALLLY long time before her hormones are back to normal. And even then, the sex drive might not be as strong.

This is a VERY good point. Pregnancy makes a woman very hormonal for awhile.

In addition to that, a baby is going to change a relationship. It's DEFINITELY going to change the amount of scootie a couple has. A lot. It takes an adjustment, and that's not always easy.

[TMK9973]

I'm going to throw my 2 cents in.

My marriage fell apart of the same reason. Although we got married because we did love each other.

We were both convinced that the sex would work itself out. It doesnt.

We went to counseling and the consular always use to say "Well - The sex is a symptom of a bigger problem".

It's not.

The last counselor I went to I argued this over and over "NO. The difference of sexual desires IS the problem. Everything else is a symptom."

I got caught cheating on my wife. I suspect you are to. I was not happy cheating on her, but I felt I had no other choice. I felt like I couldn't leave, and I couldn't live with a sex life like I was having.

Sex is a important part of a relationship. It does not just work itself out. By the time I got caught cheating we had good 9 months without sex. When she caught me and asked how could I, I asked "What did you really think was going to happen". Sex is a need.

(Just to be clear, I am not condoning cheating. I wish I hadn't done it. I hate that I hurt her so bad. But the cheating was not why the marriage failed).

Here's the thing - we are doing ok. The kids are doing ok. She is doing ok.

My fears about not being able to leave were just that. Fears.

The kids have moments. Of course. But they are adjusting. My son even said he misses me but is more relaxed at home (The kids sense tension).

My Ex has been great. We have dinner as a family once a week. I have them 2 other nights every week as well. We continue to work as partners. She has moments, as do I. But she also knows that no matter what happened, the sex was always going to be a issue.

I'm not telling you to leave. But I am telling you don't think that this goes away, or be convinced that this is just a symptom of something else. If your Sex life is not working for you, you owe it to yourself that you try to fix it. If she is open to fixing it, do it. If she is not, you have some tough decisions to make. But don't think you can't leave. You can. You can still be a great involved dad.

[Mondizzle]

I have to agree with those who said you should neither get married because you have a kid nor stay together for the kids. You're not doing the kids any favors by continuing to live in such an unhappy state.

My dad and stepmom should have gotten divorced over a decade ago. Instead, they stayed together for the kids. I don't want to go into it, but it ended up in pretty much the worst way it possibly could have and the kids would have been way better off if they had split.

[alexey]

Does that still constitute bailing out? In my opinion, it does not because you are still being as active as possible in the child's life and helping to raise it. What does everyone else think?

It does not matter what you call it, but i do not think there is such things as part-time parenting. You are either there all the time, or you are not.

[alexey]

I'm going to throw my 2 cents in.

My marriage fell apart of the same reason. Although we got married because we did love each other.

We were both convinced that the sex would work itself out. It doesnt.

We went to counseling and the consular always use to say "Well - The sex is a symptom of a bigger problem".

It's not.

The last counselor I went to I argued this over and over "NO. The difference of sexual desires IS the problem. Everything else is a symptom."

I got caught cheating on my wife. I suspect you are to. I was not happy cheating on her, but I felt I had no other choice. I felt like I couldn't leave, and I couldn't live with a sex life like I was having.

Sex is a important part of a relationship. It does not just work itself out. By the time I got caught cheating we had good 9 months without sex. When she caught me and asked how could I, I asked "What did you really think was going to happen". Sex is a need.

(Just to be clear, I am not condoning cheating. I wish I hadn't done it. I hate that I hurt her so bad. But the cheating was not why the marriage failed).

Here's the thing - we are doing ok. The kids are doing ok. She is doing ok.

My fears about not being able to leave were just that. Fears.

The kids have moments. Of course. But they are adjusting. My son even said he misses me but is more relaxed at home (The kids sense tension).

My Ex has been great. We have dinner as a family once a week. I have them 2 other nights every week as well. We continue to work as partners. She has moments, as do I. But she also knows that no matter what happened, the sex was always going to be a issue.

I'm not telling you to leave. But I am telling you don't think that this goes away, or be convinced that this is just a symptom of something else. If your Sex life is not working for you, you owe it to yourself that you try to fix it. If she is open to fixing it, do it. If she is not, you have some tough decisions to make. But don't think you can't leave. You can. You can still be a great involved dad.

That's weak.

Doing what you know you shouldn't be doing = weak. Deciding to think that it happened because of other people = weak x 2.

[TMK9973]

It does not matter what you call it, but i do not think there is such things as part-time parenting. You are either there all the time, or you are not.

But doest being there all the time mean physically? Or emotionally?

How about a parnet that needs to travel for their job?

How about a milltary family who is fighting for their country?

Does that make them less of a parent?

You can be a full time Parent even if you do not live 24x7 with them.

[TMK9973]

That's weak.

Doing what you know you shouldn't be doing = weak. Thinking that it happened because of other people = weak x 2.

where did I say anything happen because of other people?

I said My Marraige fell apart because the sex life fell apart.

Where do I blame other people?

[Mondizzle]

where did I say anything happen because of other people?

I said My Marraige fell apart because the sex life fell apart.

Where do I blame other people?

I see where you're coming from. I don't support the cheating, obviously - it would have been better if you had left before doing that, but I agree that sex is a very important part of a relationship.

[CPortJGibbs89]

Like others have said dont stay together just for the kid. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old and my father is still a big part of my life. Up until I was about 7 or 8 he use to come over for dinner with us once a week and tried to see if they could make it work but it just didnt. It would have been much harder on me and my brother had they stayed together. The constant fighting and putting your kids inbetween the mess will only make it worse.

At times when I was young it was hard for me to understand why other peoples parents lived together and mine did not. All and all though I think its much healthier on your kid and yourself to be sepearte and be happy. Your kid may not understand it in the beggining or not like it but make sure if you do divorce that you stay in your childs life and make him well aware that he is not the reason you all seperated and that you love him no matter what. Kids sometimes at a young age think that its there fault the parents get divorced. From my experience just make sure you still love your child and he knows that.

[SkinsNumberOne]

I see where you're coming from. I don't support the cheating, obviously - it would have been better if you had left before doing that, but I agree that sex is a very important part of a relationship.

Or, perhaps more specifically, sexual compatibility on multiple levels.

Drive, attraction, etc.

It's definitely important.

[G.A.C.O.L.B.]

I think divorce is much easier on a kid when they are still very young and not really capable of fully understanding what is going on. You keep putting it off and the kids gonna reach an age where it really, really rocks him.

[Capt. Kaos]

The one piece of advice that my grandmother gave me about marriage, and the one thing I pass along when asked:

Marriage is NOT 50% - 50%, It is 100% - 100% at all times

If either of the partners in the marriage cant or wont give 100% then it's time to start looking for outside help.

[Mondizzle]

The one piece of advice that my grandmother gave me about marriage, and the one thing I pass along when asked:

Marriage is NOT 50% - 50%, It is 100% - 100% at all times

If either of the partners in the marriage cant or wont give 100% then it's time to start looking for outside help.

Very sound advice - I'll remember that.

[MissU28]

wow 9 months without sex.....? My boyfriend should read this thread. He gets cranky if it's not every day.

[hunterx]

I think divorce is much easier on a kid when they are still very young and not really capable of fully understanding what is going on. You keep putting it off and the kids gonna reach an age where it really, really rocks him.

My parents divorced when I was 6. I don't remember much of that, but the thing I do remember is that they would constantly talk crap about eachother when we were around. They hated eachother. Sometimes I wish they would have been able to put things aside so that they could both come to family gatherings or be civil watching me play sports.

Our daughter is only 20 months so now is better than next year. But I agree, counseling is a good place to start, if anything to make sure we'll be okay after we separate. Probably important to figure out how it will work once we separate.

[kubstix]

wow 9 months without sex.....? My boyfriend should read this thread. He gets cranky if it's not every day.

I get extremely cranky if it's not every other day. Sex is an extremely important part of a relationship, I really don't care what anyone else says. I didn't say it should be the only part, but it does play a huge role.

[alexey]

But doest being there all the time mean physically? Or emotionally?

How about a parnet that needs to travel for their job?

How about a milltary family who is fighting for their country?

Does that make them less of a parent?

You can be a full time Parent even if you do not live 24x7 with them.

Yes both physically and emotionally.

I am not talking about value judgements of being "more of a parent" or "less of a parent".

Somebody who has to travel a lot for work, or work 12 hours a day, or go on long overseas deployments, will spend less time with their children. Obviously their children would have been better off if they spent more time together. This side of decisions in people choosing a carreer or Presidents sending our troops to war is not always given as much consideration as it should be. Yes it sucks.

However, a family that has to deal with prolonged absences of a parent is a very different case compared to a broken family. A working family can still provide an environment for a child that a broken family cannot.

[alexey]

where did I say anything happen because of other people?

I said My Marraige fell apart because the sex life fell apart.

Where do I blame other people?

I asked "What did you really think was going to happen"

You did it vs it happened...

[KingGibbs]

Let me start by saying that the people that are answering this question and are NOT married to please stop. Just stop. You have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to marriage. You think you know, but trust me, you don't. It is totally different then the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Don't know why, but marriage does some mysterious things to a once vibrant relationship.

To answer the OP. That's tough bro. I'm like you and think passion is a vital part of a marriage. All I can say is that all of the advice in the world isn't going to lead to your decision. It's all up to you and how you will feel when you do make that decision.

[NavyDave]

wow 9 months without sex.....? My boyfriend should read this thread. He gets cranky if it's not every day.

Sounds like you may be on the path that Me and Mrs ND are on.

Is it a religious experience?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6UqVWtEmNQ

[TMat184]

Although not a marriage I once dumped a g/f because she sucked (or didn't) in bed =X. I'd recommend perhaps couples counseling??? I'd say communication is the key to figuring out if you can salvage this. Best of luck to you and your family whichever path you choose!

[DeanCollins]

This is a VERY good point. Pregnancy makes a woman very hormonal for awhile.

In addition to that, a baby is going to change a relationship. It's DEFINITELY going to change the amount of scootie a couple has. A lot. It takes an adjustment, and that's not always easy.

this is very true, and exactly why I told wife #2 that I wasn't interested in having kids (and that if she was to move on). 16 years later, sex is better than ever and as often as I wish, which these days is about once (or occasionally twice) a week.

[NavyDave]

Mrs ND interest in sex after birth and getting her shape back was just as good as prior.

Didn't hurt to have family members doing the grandma grand dad, uncle, aunt thing and giving us alone time on the weekends to go on spur of the moment jaunts down to the Bahamas,Va Beach, etc. I've always been a romantic.

We do have our moments when she wants her chick flicks or reading time and I do the anime thing or hit the local race track.

[Destino]

If you are all about having a family then you have to realize that your role is to provide for them. When you catch yourself thinking about what they do wrong and what you are doing right... I just think that is destructive. I know my old man that is still married had a lot of rough years, but he fought through it because he understood that his role was a father first and himself second.

I don't see that kind mindset anymore. I see a lot of people wondering how they can get out of being the father and find something easier... yeah I said easier... that will make them happy.

Also I hear this "you can be a dad and be divorced" idea all the time. I agree that it is possible but I've never actually witnessed it. I've seen a lot of guys that pop up every other week and feel good about themselves for it. I'vve never actually seen a father that lives seperate from his kids though. Again, this is just my view and I don't doubt for a moment that some people out there are indeed making it work.