praise_gibbs Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 My girl will be 10 weeks on Sunday. Still very early in the pregnancy. Luckily, she is ready to go just as much as I am. The problem we are having is that she already has a soon to be 4 year old. Finding the time and a babysitter is sometimes a lot more difficult than it sounds. It does not hinder our relationship but, having to schedule sex is a lot different than I am used to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I'm married because my wife got pregnant. We were together for 6 months prior to this, living in Florida on the beach so we were doing a lot of drinking. Anyway, I am a much more sexual person (even if I am a guy) than she is. She has never been very sexual, and I honestly think she could go years without having sex.That is driving me crazy. I purposely put it on her a few months ago that if she wants to stay in this marriage I need to feel like she wants to have sex with me. Well it hasn't happened. She hasn't done a thing to make me think things will change. Outside of missing passion, we have fundamental disagreements on finances as well. We are also different people, with me still having hobbies and her choosing to not have hobbies or friends. What i want to know is, am I selfish for contemplating separation because my wife has no passion for myself or the relationship? We can think about our child all we want, but I know I will never be fully happy which has longterm detrimental effects on her. We are great together as friends, but it isn't working out being married. Ideally, hopefully we can remain good friends for our child. Welcome to the world of marriage. Make it work! That's it! Make it work!!!!!!!!!!You got a bigger responsibilty than your sex drive right now. That's all I'm gonna say. Divorce is not an option. (just my opinion) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Die Hard Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Welcome to the world of marriage. Make it work! That's it! Make it work!!!!!!!!!!You got a bigger responsibilty than your sex drive right now. That's all I'm gonna say. Divorce is not an option. (just my opinion) You're divorced though right? If he's approached her about his intentions.... and she doesn't accommodate his needs.... isn't it HER that's not making it work? Seriously? If their relationship wouldn't be an issue if his sexual needs where met.... and she doesn't want to meet them.... who exactly isn't making it work here? And if he's expected to sacrifice something so important.... I'd be interested to hear if she'd stick around... if he wasn't willing to meet a need as equally important to her. Maybe he should begin taking away or not fulfilling one of her most important needs -- and HE gets to choose what that will be, in fairness -- then they can BOTH be sacrificing. Then that's "sacrificing". That's only fair. Otherwise, the "making it work" and "sacrificing" will only be one way... for the rest of his life. And I think we all know how that ends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 If he's approached her about his intentions.... and she doesn't accommodate his needs.... isn't it HER that's not making it work? Seriously? If their relationship wouldn't be an issue if his sexual needs where met.... and she doesn't want to meet them.... who exactly isn't making it work here? Are you saying that putting your needs on hold cannot be a part of "making it work"? People need to sleep, and if you have children you know what happens to that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destino Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Then that's "sacrificing". That's only fair. Otherwise, the "making it work" and "sacrificing" will only be one way... for the rest of his life.The question I have is how do we know that situation is fixed and will never change? All the married couples that made it to the end I've known share one thing in common: that they went through tough spots often lasting YEARS. Many describe success as having more good years than bad. Is the modern family meant to please the father or the mother? I always thought the point of the family was to provide for the children at the expense and sacrfice of the parents. Perhaps that has changed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rocky21 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 You are quite normal OP. Disagreements about sex and finances are two of the biggest things that cause young couples to break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addicted Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 It does not hinder our relationship but, having to schedule sex is a lot different than I am used to. My old lady and I have been together 11 years now. We have never openly discussed scheduling sex. That doesn't mean we shouldn't but our lives are busy and I go out all the time with my friends leaving her at home. So when I am at home 3 nights a week she knows we are going to have sex. So in a sense we do schedule it sorta but that's not the same as calling her up and saying "at 5oclock tonight we are having sex" I think both of us would be weird about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addicted Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 The question I have is how do we know that situation is fixed and will never change? All the married couples that made it to the end I've known share one thing in common: that they went through tough spots often lasting YEARS. Many describe success as having more good years than bad. That sounds awful to me. I've been with my woman for 11 years and the only "bad" years were bad because I was working outside the country so she could get her degree and not work. If she and I went through long stretches of being miserable we would most likely seek outside attention. No way we'd be miserable for years at a time because of the other person and be ok with that. Is the modern family meant to please the father or the mother? I always thought the point of the family was to provide for the children at the expense and sacrfice of the parents. Perhaps that has changed. I don't look at my life like that. My wife doesn't look at her life like that. Our parents didn't look at thier lives like that. I don't believe in the whole "sacrifice for your children" crap myself. The way the world works today if some jerk off says "you went out too much and spent too much money and now your kid can't go to an Ivy League school because you can't afford it so your a bad parent" or "you only bought your kid a used car, not a brand new BMW, you are a bad parent" that's bullspit to me. To me being a good parent is being good to your spouse, not cheating on them, and being good to your kids. It doesn't mean scarificing your own life and becoming a slave for your kid so they can sport $150 shoes. To me the value of a parent is not how much they give the child, its how much time and love they give the kids and how they raise them. For myself scraficing means I don't smoke in the house (I do outside), I don't have alcohol or drugs at home at all (don't want that around them), and I spend quality time with them every day. Quality time to me is playing with them, doing stuff with them, and making them feel good about themselves. It also means I go to church on Sundays (I never really want to go but I do) so they grow up thinking there Dad's not a piece of crap. My kids love me. My kids do great at school. And I don't feel as if I am sacrificing anything for them. I don't get this whole "live your life for your kids" and forget your own. To me that would be miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMK9973 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Are you saying that putting your needs on hold cannot be a part of "making it work"?People need to sleep, and if you have children you know what happens to that So putting a need on hold = doing without a need for life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 You're divorced though right?If he's approached her about his intentions.... and she doesn't accommodate his needs.... isn't it HER that's not making it work? Seriously? If their relationship wouldn't be an issue if his sexual needs where met.... and she doesn't want to meet them.... who exactly isn't making it work here? And if he's expected to sacrifice something so important.... I'd be interested to hear if she'd stick around... if he wasn't willing to meet a need as equally important to her. Maybe he should begin taking away or not fulfilling one of her most important needs -- and HE gets to choose what that will be, in fairness -- then they can BOTH be sacrificing. Then that's "sacrificing". That's only fair. Otherwise, the "making it work" and "sacrificing" will only be one way... for the rest of his life. And I think we all know how that ends. Yeah, I am. That doesn't make it right. People nowadays get in one fight and say " ahhh, **** this!" I'm just old fashioned. I believe that when you have a child that's it. It doesn't matter how miserable you are. You trudge on for the sake of the kids. And smile when your doing it. Nothing in life is easy or perfect. I don't know why people think marriage is supposed to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destino Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 To me being a good parent is being good to your spouse, not cheating on them, and being good to your kids. It doesn't mean scarificing your own life and becoming a slave for your kid so they can sport $150 shoes. So basically being a good parent is doing the absolute minimum? Be around and not be a total douchebag so long as it's easy for you. I can't agree with that. Being a good parent is putting them first and working hard for them to have better chances than you had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jpillian Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 The question I have is how do we know that situation is fixed and will never change? All the married couples that made it to the end I've known share one thing in common: that they went through tough spots often lasting YEARS. Many describe success as having more good years than bad. Is the modern family meant to please the father or the mother? I always thought the point of the family was to provide for the children at the expense and sacrfice of the parents. Perhaps that has changed. Excellent, excellent point, Destino. I really think you've nailed it with the portion I bolded. If your highest ambitions revolve around doing things to make yourself happy, you simply won't be. It's never enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I don't know why, but when I have money to buy myself something I want, I end up buy something for my kids instead. It makes me happier than getting something for myself. Not spoiling them, but the other day I was holding a Colt Brennan 5 jersey and drooling. Then I saw a cute little redskins shirt and put the jersey back on the rack. I got them both a really cool shirt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyDave Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I always have this smile on my face when I go to Bethesda medical center and you see the married couples ranging from the very young to those who have been around since the 1920's. Listening to their Sea, Air stories how they got married, kids, grand kids, great grand kids and how they still travel on MAC flights to romantic getaways to places like Italy,etc made me realise that marriage is supposed to have difficult patches along the way to appreciate the other times when they aren't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
praise_gibbs Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 So in a sense we do schedule it sorta but that's not the same as calling her up and saying "at 5oclock tonight we are having sex" I think both of us would be weird about that. Haha that would be weird. She and I don't program it into our PDA or something. Ours is similar to yours. She and I have off work on Tuesday and Sunday. So that is usually "our time". Not the whole day, but we do plan a part of those days for some fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 So putting a need on hold = doing without a need for life? Yeah it's scary. What if she's somebody who's not interested in sex, period? I think there may be a reason for concern if it was never that good or you never had that chemistry. Otherwise I think those tend to be intimacy/self-image/etc issues. Resolve underlying issues and you're good to go... I may be an optimist but I think that everybody wants to have a healthy sex life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chachie Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 No sex. No friends. No social life. The OP's wife could be in deep depression. These all seem like garden variety symptoms. It can manifest itself so that the person (or their partner) never even realizes how depressed they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 No sex. No friends. No social life. The OP's wife could be in deep depression. These all seem like garden variety symptoms. It can manifest itself so that the person (or their partner) never even realizes how depressed they are. This may be the best post here. Instead of the husband being an *** ****, maybe wifey is depressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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