hunterx Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I'm married because my wife got pregnant. We were together for 6 months prior to this, living in Florida on the beach so we were doing a lot of drinking. Anyway, I am a much more sexual person (even if I am a guy) than she is. She has never been very sexual, and I honestly think she could go years without having sex. That is driving me crazy. I purposely put it on her a few months ago that if she wants to stay in this marriage I need to feel like she wants to have sex with me. Well it hasn't happened. She hasn't done a thing to make me think things will change. Outside of missing passion, we have fundamental disagreements on finances as well. We are also different people, with me still having hobbies and her choosing to not have hobbies or friends. What i want to know is, am I selfish for contemplating separation because my wife has no passion for myself or the relationship? We can think about our child all we want, but I know I will never be fully happy which has longterm detrimental effects on her. We are great together as friends, but it isn't working out being married. Ideally, hopefully we can remain good friends for our child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forehead Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 You can always be a father to the kid even as a divorced parent. Getting married solely because she was pregnant (as you insinuate in your OP) was a mistake. Is it really going to be worth raising a kid in a household where the two of you are constantly arguing? I know there are some who will say you owe it to the kid to try and work things out, but this honestly sounds like a marriage that should have never happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooked Crack Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sound like you already made up your mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsHokieFan Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Do what makes you happy. Sticking in a miserable marriage will only make it harder on the kid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissance Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Never stay together because of a kid. That's a horrible environment for the kid to grow up in. edit: Think about it this way...as a kid would you want to grow up to find out that you were the sole reason your parents stayed together in an unhappy, passionless marriage? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hokie4redskins Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 You can always be a father to the kid even as a divorced parent. Getting married solely because she was pregnant (as you insinuate in your OP) was a mistake. He did the honorable thing and is trying to make it work. That shouldn't be considered a "mistake." And who are you to judge so matter of factly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I think Very informative. ~Bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooked Crack Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 He did the honorable thing and is trying to make it work. That shouldn't be considered a "mistake."And who are you to judge so matter of factly? I don't think getting married for a kid is a honorable thing. Sounds like guilt to me. You shouldn't marry someone just because of a kid. Sounds sappy but you should actually love someone if you want to marry them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 There's no way any of us should give advice in this situation. We don't know enough. It's irresponsible. There are any number of reasons for behavior, both hers and yours. I would be loathe to say anything out of ignorance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hunterx Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 You can always be a father to the kid even as a divorced parent. Getting married solely because she was pregnant (as you insinuate in your OP) was a mistake.Is it really going to be worth raising a kid in a household where the two of you are constantly arguing? I know there are some who will say you owe it to the kid to try and work things out, but this honestly sounds like a marriage that should have never happened. We both grew up in environments in which our parents divorced and it ended badly. I agree that it was a mistake to get married because she was pregnant, BUT I also think we owed it to our child to at least try. To another poster, we don't argue much anymore. I think we have just learned to let things go instead. But yes, I think this fall will be the time that we actually sit down and talk about seperating. We have a bunch of trips we have planned for weddings this summer so we'll stick it out a bit longer. I'm going to try to make sure we end things in a civil way, and I believe that once she accepts its going to happen she does too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardcore Zornography Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sounds like sex is the least of your marriage problems. Not being a prick or anything, but I would worry about the actual marriage part/problems and your kid before worrying about how much tail you are or are not getting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hunterx Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 There's no way any of us should give advice in this situation. We don't know enough. It's irresponsible. There are any number of reasons for behavior, both hers and yours. I would be loathe to say anything out of ignorance. My original intent was to figure out if it was more common than I thought for married couples with kids to not show much (if any) passion in relationships. I don't have too many married friends but the ones with girlfriends are definitely passionate. I think I went off on a little tangent on the first post, misdirecting what I wanted to have responded to. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Never stay together because of a kid. That's a horrible environment for the kid to grow up in.edit: Think about it this way...as a kid would you want to grow up to find out that you were the sole reason your parents stayed together in an unhappy, passionless marriage? Marriage is hard work. Oftentimes marriages fail because people are not strong enough to work on themselves. Staying together for the child may provide the strength needed to do the right thing and create the right environment. Horrible environment is what happens when people stay together but still refuse to do the hard work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I would be loathe to say anything out of ignorance. Good policy;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Before you run off and get a divorce you might want to consider counseling. All marriages have rocky patches. I wouldn't make any rash decisions based on a few months of uncertainty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgold Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 My original intent was to figure out if it was more common than I thought for married couples with kids to not show much (if any) passion in relationships. I don't have too many married friends but the ones with girlfriends are definitely passionate.I think I went off on a little tangent on the first post, misdirecting what I wanted to have responded to. Sorry. No worries. Reaching out is fine. I just wanted to extend a word of caution to those who while well intentioned may say something damaging. I think it's a delicate topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hardcore Zornography Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 My original intent was to figure out if it was more common than I thought for married couples with kids to not show much (if any) passion in relationships. I don't have too many married friends but the ones with girlfriends are definitely passionate.I think I went off on a little tangent on the first post, misdirecting what I wanted to have responded to. Sorry. It definitely decreases, at least in my situation. But its not ruining our marriage or anything. When we do, we do. When we don't, not too much, if any, of a fuss is made about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hokie4redskins Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I don't think getting married for a kid is a honorable thing. Ok, so knocking some chick up and bailing is honorable. My bad. :thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forehead Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 We both grew up in environments in which our parents divorced and it ended badly. I agree that it was a mistake to get married because she was pregnant, BUT I also think we owed it to our child to at least try. That's understandable...I guess I just feel like if you're not connecting on many other levels, it might be better to hold off and evaluate the situation before jumping into a marriage. Regardless, as Burgold (and maybe one other person) said, we probably shouldn't be dispensing too much advice since none of us are directly involved. To answer your question though, no, you're not being selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mondizzle Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 The title of this thread is very misleading :doh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooked Crack Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Ok, so knocking some chick up and bailing is honorable. My bad. :thumbsup: You know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 We both grew up in environments in which our parents divorced and it ended badly. I agree that it was a mistake to get married because she was pregnant, BUT I also think we owed it to our child to at least try. Try not, do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dictator Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Before you run off and get a divorce you might want to consider counseling.All marriages have rocky patches. I wouldn't make any rash decisions based on a few months of uncertainty. I agree with Henry. My wife and I went through something similar. Counseling worked wonders. both for our marriage and for ourselves as individuals. If cost is an issue, some medical plans will pay/help pay for the sessions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frommd Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I also agree with Henry. Go for counseling. Also, if your goal was to increase your sex life, an ultimatum probably isn't the way to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kilmer17 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Another thing to consider, after a woman has a kid, it can be a REALLLY long time before her hormones are back to normal. And even then, the sex drive might not be as strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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