PokerPacker Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Well tomorrow's my final exam date for Comm 100, and basically my teacher just wants us to each tell a joke that has a narrative and a punch line (and it can't be too distasteful, so I can't do the aristocrats). Any ideas on a good one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUSkinsFan Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single, and second, you must be a Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist." The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mickalino Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 2 Mormons walk into a bar. Wait, nevermind, Mormons don't drink. Let me think of another one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbeals Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 thats a good one brikem05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Califan007 The Constipated Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A man walks into the front door of a bar, obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink and that he cannot serve him any more liquor. The drunk is briefly surprised, then climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and firmly but politely refuses service to the man due to his being too drunk. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and orders a drink. The bartender comes over and angrily reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, shakes his head, and says "Man! How many bars do you work at, anyway?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonOfWashington Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Not what you're probably looking for, but I just heard this one: Two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Califan007 The Constipated Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Every morning as this kid walks to school, he passes by a house and sees a man getting hit over the head with a loaf of bread by his wife. Day after day, week after week, he walks by, looks in their front window, and sees the lady bop her husband over the head with a loaf of bread. One day the kid walks by the same house on the way to school and sees the same lady hitting her husband over the head, this time with a cake. Completely confused, he walks to the front door and knocks. When the lady answers, the kid says "Lady, I've been walking by your house for months now, and every morning I see you hitting your husband over the head with a loaf of bread. Day after day, week after week, you're hitting the guy on the head with a loaf of bread. But this morning, you hit him over the head with a cake! What gives?" The lady looks at the young boy and says "It's his birthday." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissU28 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 my favorite joke.... A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender looks at him strangely and says to him, "Uh, sir, you realize you got a steering wheel down your pants?" Pirate says, "Arrrrrrrrrrr, I know, it's drivin me nuts!" And the better accent you give the pirate the better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 The Lions ? Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A Kentucky Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Kentucky to go any where I want. See this card? It allows me to go wherever I wish.' So the old farmer shrugged his shoulders and went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind him was the farmer's huge prizebull. The bull was madder than a hornet and was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card , Smart Ass.... Show him your card!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 STORY OF A LITTLE GIRL AND HER DEAD GOLDFISH Morning Nancy ,what are ya doing there? Sob,my goldfish died,so I'm burying it Ha ha,that's a mighty big hole for a goldfish That's cause it's inside your ****ing cat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissance Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 The Washington Redskins' offense as of late. That's a major joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 my favorite joke....A pirate walks into a bar.... :rotflmao::rotflmao: Winner winner chicken dinner ~Bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IONTOP Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A cop pulls over a car of nuns for doing 5 miles per hour down a major California highway... The cop asks the driver "Why are you doing 5 miles per hour on the highway? Don't you know that's dangerous?" The nun says "Oh, I thought the speed limit was 5 MPH because that blue sign had a big 5 on it" The cop says "No, this is interstate 5, and why aren't the other 3 nuns in your car moving and have terrified looks on their faces?" The nun says "Oh they haven't moved since we got off Interstate 375" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CRobi21 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A ham sandwich walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." God! That sucks! Don't listen to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
styx491 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 my favorite joke....A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender looks at him strangely and says to him, "Uh, sir, you realize you got a steering wheel down your pants?" Pirate says, "Arrrrrrrrrrr, I know, it's drivin me nuts!" And the better accent you give the pirate the better :1stplace: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HogNose Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?" The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out." ---------------- A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toe Jam Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Reic goes to Canton and somebody takes a picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HogNose Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IONTOP Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 So little Johnny was up in front of the class talking about his grandfather's experience in WWII: "My grandfather was shot in the ass" Teacher: "Rectum" Johnny: Rectum? Damn near killed em... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorhead Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Redskins fan in a New York bar leaned to the guy next to him and said, “Wanna hear a joke about Cowboys fans?” The guy next to him replied, “Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I’m six feet tall and 220 pounds, and I’m a Cowboys fan. The guy sitting next to me is six-two tall, 240 pounds, and he’s a Cowboys fan, and the guy sitting next to him is six-five, 280 pounds, and he’s a Cowboys fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?” The Redskins fan said, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Califan007 The Constipated Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Two cops spot a man, obviously drunk,walking around trying to put his car keys into parked cars and ask him if he needs some help. "I lost my car", the drunk says. "I'm tryin' t' shee if any of these are mine," and then he went to the next car and clumbsily tried to insert his key into the door. "Where's the last place you saw your car," asked one of the policemen. "On the end of this key," he managed to blurt out as he walked to another car. The two cops looked at each other, smiled, and then one said to the drunk "Why don't we put you in our car and we can drive you around until you find your car." Thankful, the drunk started walking with them to their police car. As he did, one of the cops looked down and noticed the drunk's fly was open. "You might want to zip up as well," he said, as he pointed to the drunk's open zipper. The drunk looked down at his fly, looked back up, and said "Oh, ****...I lost my girlfriend, too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drop Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Two cops spot a man, obviously drunk,walking around trying to put his car keys into parked cars and ask him if he needs some help."I lost my car", the drunk says. "I'm tryin' t' shee if any of these are mine," and then he went to the next car and clumbsily tried to insert his key into the door. "Where's the last place you saw your car," asked one of the policemen. "On the end of this key," he managed to blurt out as he walked to another car. The two cops looked at each other, smiled, and then one said to the drunk "Why don't we put you in our car and we can drive you around until you find your car." Thankful, the drunk started walking with them to their police car. As he did, one of the cops looked down and noticed the drunk's fly was open. "You might want to zip up as well," he said, as he pointed to the drunk's open zipper. The drunk looked down at his fly, looked back up, and said "Oh, ****...I lost my girlfriend, too." LOL, that's my favorite one so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koolblue13 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A guy walks into a doctors office and says "hey doc, I don't feel so good" Doctor says" What's wrong" "I'm a moth" he replies. Doctor says "sounds like you need a shrink, not a physician" The guy says "I was on my way there, but your light was on". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Califan007 The Constipated Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A guy walks into a doctors office and says "hey doc, I don't feel so good"Doctor says" What's wrong" "I'm a moth" he replies. Doctor says "sounds like you need a shrink, not a physician" The guy says "I was on my way there, but your light was on". Boooo!! LoL... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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