To anyone who has been through a divorce...got any advice?

[Bacon]

Sorry to make such a heavy thread but I trust this community to be honest and direct about this issue more so than most. 

 

To keep a long story as short as possible, things have been pretty bad in the Bacon household for quite a while. I've been married for 11 years, since I was 20, and I can count on just a few fingers how many of those were happy. Things have eroded in many of the typical ways, I can't even offer common sense advice without it being taken the wrong way, and the final straw was the sickening feeling I now experience whenever we fight around our daughter. I'm terrified of becoming my parents, who were miserable and prolonged a miserable marriage that I felt responsible for because they stuck around for the kids. Ultimately, we're growing apart and want very different things than we did when we got married. 

 

Right now, truthfully, my wife doesn't want me to leave. She wants things to work out but she also breaks up with me every few months only to change her mind the next day. She won't make a move unless I do and tonight we finally mutually agreed that ending things would be for the best. That said, I contribute to the rent but I currently have nowhere to live, all of our bills are paid jointly, we have 3 pets, and of course our daughter is at the center of all of this...everything is tied together. It seems inevitable that this will be a long process. 2022 will likely be one long, drawn out divorce proceeding if that's the route we choose. 

 

At this point, I'm not looking to have my mind changed. I've been with the same person for my entire adult life (18-31) and thinking about losing my thirties after losing my twenties to a situation that hasn't improved in years seems beyond the pale. We're both great people that deserve a chance to start over while we're still young. If anyone here has been through something similar, please share your experience or send me a PM. I believe I'm doing the right thing but I'm also scared as hell right now. It's a lot. 

[ClaytoAli]

Maaaaaan! There is no easy answer.  But if you haven’t been to marriage counseling, your are not interested in fixing your relationship.

 

If you haven’t moved out from living with her, then make a pact to go.

 

The best advice I got was if you still have sex, then you are not ready to get divorced. Even the courts abide by this logic. If you aren’t intimate, then you need to understand why YOU aren’t and she needs to understand SHE isn’t. Trust me, that stuff will keep or break a marriage.

Check the boxes:
Basic needs on both sides being met? Respect and encouragement for you, emotional support both ways, listening instead of talking, embarrassing outpouring love for her. You know, doing the stuff that got you married.

Did you stop dating each other?

 

Check these boxes too:

What are you missing versus what do you have? Trust me its a good question for you to answer.

ARE YOU still attracted to her? (Danger Will Robinson, hoes can smell trouble…and may tempt you)

Were any agreements broken that can’t be repaired?

What impact will separation cause on the chid? (Ever hear older people say we stayed together for the kids)

 

A counselor can help answer these questions, but you both have to have courage enough to go. If you are only just asking what to do, then FTW and go!

 

Just know this, everyone that is married has relationship problems….difference is, do you want to stay married and fix them.
 

Also, people that get divorced are only trying to save their lives. Better know what for and and what from.

 

I’ve been down the road of divorce…only the almighty god kept me from signing the papers in court on the day of, I was that close.
 

My two cents from at 20+ year marriage vet.

 

 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2022 by ClaytoAli

[LD0506]

Get a razorwire butt plug so you can have something for a pleasant diversion now and then when it gets bad

[Bang]

Do what is best for your daughter, and that does not include staying in a miserable relationship that makes for a miserable household. Raising kids in divorce is not as difficult as it may seem, and it is all on the two of you to make it that way. Kids are pretty resilient and can roll with big changes, but it all comes down to the two of you. No matter how cantankerous the split, as long as you both do what is best for her, there will always be a common ground where she can grow up.
If you both recognize neither of you are happy and there is no fixing it, then it can be an amicable split. You may not like it but if it is indeed mutual then you both should be able to keep that common ground clean. 

My divorce was not amicable. Not a good situation, and I wound up a single dad of a 2 year old while my ex ran off with a friend of mine. And as bad as all that was, we kept that common ground. I made sure to keep my feelings and anything else in check to make sure he had a good relationship with her. No bad mouthing her, making sure visitation as on time and clean. And it paid off in the end. Life indeed got better after it being very hard for a while. My son is grown and is a good young man, works hard, doesn't get into trouble. 

In all of it ask yourself what works best for your daughter. 
Then it gets a little easier to at least know what to do, even if it tastes bad.

 

~Bang

[Ball Security]

14 hours ago, Bacon said:

Sorry to make such a heavy thread but I trust this community to be honest and direct about this issue more so than most. 

 

To keep a long story as short as possible, things have been pretty bad in the Bacon household for quite a while. I've been married for 11 years, since I was 20, and I can count on just a few fingers how many of those were happy. Things have eroded in many of the typical ways, I can't even offer common sense advice without it being taken the wrong way, and the final straw was the sickening feeling I now experience whenever we fight around our daughter. I'm terrified of becoming my parents, who were miserable and prolonged a miserable marriage that I felt responsible for because they stuck around for the kids. Ultimately, we're growing apart and want very different things than we did when we got married. 

 

Right now, truthfully, my wife doesn't want me to leave. She wants things to work out but she also breaks up with me every few months only to change her mind the next day. She won't make a move unless I do and tonight we finally mutually agreed that ending things would be for the best. That said, I contribute to the rent but I currently have nowhere to live, all of our bills are paid jointly, we have 3 pets, and of course our daughter is at the center of all of this...everything is tied together. It seems inevitable that this will be a long process. 2022 will likely be one long, drawn out divorce proceeding if that's the route we choose. 

 

At this point, I'm not looking to have my mind changed. I've been with the same person for my entire adult life (18-31) and thinking about losing my thirties after losing my twenties to a situation that hasn't improved in years seems beyond the pale. We're both great people that deserve a chance to start over while we're still young. If anyone here has been through something similar, please share your experience or send me a PM. I believe I'm doing the right thing but I'm also scared as hell right now. It's a lot. 

Sorry to hear about this.  I don’t have direct experience with divorce, but have a number of friends and cousins who have.  In a lot of instances, I admire them for doing a difficult, but brave thing by calling it off.

 

Not an expert, but I’d suggest talking to a lawyer before moving out.  In some places, that can be considered abandonment if your wife wants to be difficult.  Something to look into even if you want it to be amicable as possible.

[Jabbyrwock]

Really only one piece of advice: do not use the divorce process to try and settle any scores.  Its about moving forward.  You can't do that if you're still fighting in the past.

 

And a side piece of advice:  absolutely try and come up with a parenting plan that is best for your daughter, but dont forget about yourself in the process.  Dont try and make the impossible work.  Its not selfish...just human.

 

Also...razorwire butt plug.

[DCSaints_fan]

Only piece of advise is if you're truly miserable, don't stay for the sake of your daughter.  Because eventually that's going to surface at some point and the daughter may blame themselves for your unhappiness.  You might be looking for the happy ending for everyone, but the reality is there may only be an ending in which a bit less unhappy for all involved.

Hate to turn your situation into a generic one, but this seems like an all too common scenario for people that get married young.  Personally I think they shouldn't allow people to get married before they're like 25.

[Fergasun]

Have two close friends who went through it.  It will be bad, awkward, you will fell like the biggest loser and failure in the world and even friends and family might be awkward and take sides for a short period of time.  

 

Than when everything is settled -- 2-3 years later (or so?) you will better and soon therabouts you will land on your feet with a new and refreshing life and view on relationships and you will find someone again.

[CousinsCowgirl84]

Your post is way to vague to offer meaningful advice.
 

I have nothing nice to say, so maybe I shouldn’t say it but if you like you can continue reading or move on. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I think this is your fault. You aren’t happy? Marriage is a duty not a vacation bro.

 

You don’t want to waste your 30s? lol…. Yikes. 

 

Edited March 6, 2022 by CousinsCowgirl84

[Switchgear]

If you move out and establish a separate place to live, your wife can file for sole possession of where you currently live. If you have your own place, the court will grant her a place of her own, and you will be legally barred from entering without her permission. People say "Don't move out" but don't say why. That's why.

 

That said, depending on financial situation, maybe it would be for the best to have separate living spaces.

 

Someone said try marriage counseling, I agree with that. See if the problems you're facing can be resolved. If not, if you're just going to be unhappy together, then you will need to move on with your life. Just try to be as involved with your daughter as possible. You should be able to have 50/50 custody. Also, if she asks about what is going on, don't give detail, just say you and her mother are working on things. Never say anything bad about your wife to your daughter.

 

I thought my divorce would go smoothly, but my ex had other ideas. It got ugly, but I never let my kids see any of that. No arguments in front of them, none of the other stuff that happened involved them. Shield your daughter as much as possible.

 

It's hard to see the other side, but you will come out of it ok.

[tshile]

12 minutes ago, Switchgear said:

It's hard to see the other side, but you will come out of it ok.

This. So much this. 
 

i have no advice on relationship/divorce, but when you decide which way you want to go, pick that goal (basically starting a new life, or, working to make it better), and keep your eye on it. 
 

and know that getting from where you are to where you want to be is going to suck. And be hard. 
 

You’ll want to second guess yourself, don’t; I mean sometimes it’s fine but most times just don’t. 
 

it’ll still suck, but if you go into it acknowledging that then you don’t have to focus on it and you can spend your energy moving through it. 

[Bacon]

Lots of great advice here, especially the razor wire butt plug, but I wanted to respond to a few posts specifically:

 

2 hours ago, Switchgear said:

Someone said try marriage counseling, I agree with that. See if the problems you're facing can be resolved. If not, if you're just going to be unhappy together, then you will need to move on with your life. Just try to be as involved with your daughter as possible. You should be able to have 50/50 custody. Also, if she asks about what is going on, don't give detail, just say you and her mother are working on things. Never say anything bad about your wife to your daughter.

 

We are doing marriage counseling, one session a week for two months. We have different goals going in and the assumption isn't that the marriage will be fixed. We're just looking to hear each other better and come to an amicable conclusion. 

 

2 hours ago, CousinsCowgirl84 said:

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Your post is way to vague to offer meaningful advice.
 

I have nothing nice to say, so maybe I shouldn’t say it but if you like you can continue reading or move on. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I think this is your fault. You aren’t happy? Marriage is a duty not a vacation bro.

 

You don’t want to waste your 30s? lol…. Yikes. 

 

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I didn't ask for a determination of who was right or who was wrong in the relationship, just advice on how to best navigate a divorce. If I wanted advice on my current relationship, I would have intimated that

Spoiler

I haven't had sex since November, that my wife is jealous of other relationships I have, that she refuses to see a therapist despite spending the last two years in a depression that she claims our relationship is largely responsible for, that she works long hours to avoid her life and is presently acting out in very erratic, emotional ways to push me into counseling with her.

 

But none of that matters because I asked about divorce proceedings.

 

4 hours ago, DCSaints_fan said:

Only piece of advise is if you're truly miserable, don't stay for the sake of your daughter.  Because eventually that's going to surface at some point and the daughter may blame themselves for your unhappiness.  You might be looking for the happy ending for everyone, but the reality is there may only be an ending in which a bit less unhappy for all involved.

Hate to turn your situation into a generic one, but this seems like an all too common scenario for people that get married young.  Personally I think they shouldn't allow people to get married before they're like 25.

 

This is the reply that resonated with me the most. All of it. Arguing in front of my daughter flashed me back to my awful childhood of daily bickering and I swore I would never put my child through that. I can still keep that promise even if I slipped up a couple of times along the way. 

 

I married so young and am a completely different person than I was two years ago, let alone ten. The irony of this situation is that I'm in a much better position to be a good partner than I ever have been, only I'm realizing now that I was in a toxic relationship out of convenience for far too long and now have the ability to step away from it and be a functional person. 

 

Edited March 6, 2022 by Bacon

[Die Hard]

10 hours ago, Bacon said:

 

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I married so young and am a completely different person than I was two years ago, let alone ten. The irony of this situation is that I'm in a much better position to be a good partner than I ever have been, only I'm realizing now that I was in a toxic relationship out of convenience for far too long and now have the ability to step away from it and be a functional person. 

 

I just wanted to acknowledge your post. That’s some brilliant maturity and self-awareness. I can always tell when people have had therapy.

 

The end/loss of a relationship is a potential minefield. It’s possible for an amicable split… but it takes 2 parties to really want to work towards that.

 

It sounds like you do. So just focus on showing up how you want and maintaining your integrity through the process. You’re going to learn a lot about yourself… and it will serve you moving forward. Even your relationship with your daughter.

 

God bless during this turbulent time.