Bliz Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 My grandmother passed this morning at the age of 96, and my wife and I are struggling with the question of whether to let the kids attend the funeral. My oldest is 9, and youngest 6, and this is the first time that a person they know has died (experience so far is limited to 1 cat and 1 hamster, both in the last year). Funeral will be in NJ on Friday, and we were heading up to Maryland early next week for Thanksgiving anyway, so are just going to go up a little early instead. So they will be in the area regardless. Because of the distance, we only got to see her maybe twice a year. The last year or two her eyesight was pretty much gone and we couldn't really FaceTime any more either. So while they obviously loved her the visits and interactions were kind of limited. 6 seems too young in any scenario, but I'm not sure about the 9 year old. I don't want to deny the opportunity if it would be helpful or meaningful in a positive way, but I also worry about putting her in that situation if she's not ready to handle it. My mom will be a wreck. We're not religious, so we don't have anything to tie it to on that front. If anyone have any advice here it would be most appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOF44 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I'd say 8 or 9 depending on the child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadySkinsFan Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 So sorry for your loss, Bliz. Peace be with you and your family. Ask your children, both of them. Tell them it's to honor their great grandmother, and it's not a party. People will be sad and will probably cry. Say that they can say no, and you will make arrangements for them to stay with someone for the time of the funeral. Six may not be too young. Or maybe so, you know your children best. I was in HS when my grandfather died. I went to the funeral and was pressured to go see him in the open casket. I hated it then and ever after. I don't go by an open casket to this day. This might be a decision point for you deciding even to ask if they want to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bliz Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 21 minutes ago, LadySkinsFan said: So sorry for your loss, Bliz. Peace be with you and your family. Ask your children, both of them. Tell them it's to honor their great grandmother, and it's not a party. People will be sad and will probably cry. Say that they can say no, and you will make arrangements for them to stay with someone for the time of the funeral. Six may not be too young. Or maybe so, you know your children best. I was in HS when my grandfather died. I went to the funeral and was pressured to go see him in the open casket. I hated it then and ever after. I don't go by an open casket to this day. This might be a decision point for you deciding even to ask if they want to go. Thanks LSF. Luckily Jews don't do open caskets, because I'm with you. I have only been to one that had that, and it was for a good friend who was only 26. It was awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twa Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 21 sounds good, but. we have always brought them no matter the age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcsluggo Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I would bring them both. It is an invaluable leaning about life opportunity, and shying away from this sort of thing makes it worse later. Tell them at their level what it means, and ask them to do their best to be respectful, if they are unable to keep quiet/still, it shouldn't be a huge surprise, but there are ALWAYS places where you can move them... If you afraid of OTHERS get offended by their presence... .. frankly, tough **** to them. This is part of raising kids, and they were important to the deceased, as she was to them. people that get offended by the presence of children (being children) at important events can lick my hairy boots. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcsluggo Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 and.... this was the first thing i saw on Facebook after leaving this thread: not my view, but inappropriately funny nonetheless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drowland Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Sorry for your loss. I vaguely remember my grandfather's funeral when I was 4 or 5. My brother and I rode with the other grandparents. I remember the open casket and them presenting the flag to my grandmother since he was a WWII vet. I barely knew him at that age so I was un-phased by it. My memories of him are mostly him lying on the couch asleep because he had cancer. My brother who was 3 years older cried. So it might depend on what type of relationship your kids had with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dont Taze Me Bro Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 We took our daughter to my wife's grandfathers funeral when she was 4 years old. She didn't know what was really going on and my mom and dad watched her and stayed at the back of the church and crowd outside during the burial. When she was 5 years old and had started kindergarten, we dropped her off at school to attend my grandfathers funeral and then picked her up after school, but that happened during the first week of school and we didn't want to ruin it with bad news. So we didn't even tell her until the Sunday after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warhead36 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 If they understand the concept of death, they can attend. The age varies depending on the kid I'd guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGreatBuzz Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I went to a few funerals when I was young. Then I went to my fathers funeral when I was 14. It was open casket. I don't know if it was that part or just my dad dying in general but I think it scarred me pretty good. I refused to go to another funeral after that. And I kept that up until a few years ago when I was handling the case for a Sailor that died. Because I was the POC for the family, I had to go. Took everything in me not to have a complete panic attack. I think I held it together pretty well but I was also able to stay in back and just keep to myself. I was just there to be the face of the military. When my grandfather died (a WW2 vet) recently, I didn't go to the service part. I only went to the cemetery. And that was only because my aunt volun-told me I was a pall bearer. Funerals creep me out all together. Especially because I'm not religious so there is no part of that for me. I guess I just don't get the point of needing a dead body in the room to feel like we are mourning properly. I told my wife if something happens to me, donate my body to science and have a BBQ. No need for some somber gathering with everyone wearing black. That's just my 2 cents on funerals. Though I admit it can be totally jaded by it being my dad that threw me off. Hopefully it at least gives you something to consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadySkinsFan Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I was really young when my mom's parents died, so I don't know if I went to their funerals or not. When my dad's mom died I didn't go to the funeral because I had just started a new job and we weren't that close. My mom died on Christmas and it was frozen in Williamsport, so we buried her ashes on Mother's Day the next year. I didn't go to my dad's funeral. I don't like them as a general rule. My SIL had a memorial for my brother, about 150 people were there, I was surprised. He developed into a really great guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elessar78 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I think we had my then 5 or 6YO at her great grandfather's funeral. There were other kids of equal age there. But it's Pennsylvania, we have one of the highest percentages of elderly. Probably ahead of Florida since they import their elderly. We grow ours. Anyway, she remembers him and includeshim in ourprayers once in a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spjunkies Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 My condolences to you and your family. I remember going to my great grandmother's funeral when I was around 7, so I would probably do the same if I had children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Springfield Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 We brought our son to a funeral before the age of 2. It was a mistake. He slept for most of the time, on my shoulder while I was holding him. Then when he woke up, it was during the ceremony and we had to chase him around because he couldn’t stay still for long. I really wish I had it to do over again and I would have left him with a sitter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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