Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[China]

Woman’s VERY strict rules for husband going on a stag do, including no drinking and a midnight curfew, go viral

 

NO matter how much you profess to trust your partner, there's nothing quite like a stag do to send your mind into overdrive. Right?

 

But while most people subtly try to keep tabs on their partner throughout their wild night out with the groom, one woman has gone to all new extremes to control her husband's behaviour on an upcoming stag.

 

 

Click on the link for the full story

[China]

NSFW Language:

 

 

 

Edited June 9, 2019 by China

[JSSkinz]

Whoops!

 

 

[PleaseBlitz]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2019/06/13/valedictorian-thanked-teachers-her-speech-then-she-went-scorched-earth/?utm_term=.d8674440399f

 

Quote

Standing behind the lectern in her crisp white cap and gown, the valedictorian at San Ysidro High School did what valedictorians are supposed to do — until she didn’t.

First, senior Nataly Buhr thanked her friends for the memories and her mom and dad for their “endless love.” She praised a handful of teachers at the San Diego school for being “so invested” in her education and well-being, calling them “the most intelligent, inspiring and supportive individuals I have had the pleasure of learning from.”

 

And then the teen pivoted — hard — to the school staffers she deemed wholly uninspiring, an unexpected move that made her searing speech catch fire online.

To her counselor: “Thanks for teaching me to fend for myself: You were always unavailable to my parents and I, despite appointments. ... You expressed to me your joy in knowing that one of your students was valedictorian, when you had absolutely no role in my achievements.”

 

Her classmates fidgeted in their seats on the football field, not yet fully recognizing Buhr’s censure. But the chastisement was far from finished.

To the main office staff: “Thank you for teaching me how to be resourceful. Your negligence to inform me of several scholarships until the day before they were due potentially caused me to miss out on thousands of dollars. When applying for a work permit, you repeatedly turned me away, despite confirming with my employer and my parents that all of my paperwork was filled out correctly. I’ve had to escalate issues with staff to an assistant principal various times to reach any sort of solution."

 

Now the crowd was engaged. Jaws dropped. Hands covered mouths. Heads whipped side to side in smirking disbelief.

Buhr charged on.

 

“To the teacher who was regularly intoxicated during class this year,” she said, this time drawing an audible response from the crowd, “thank you for using yourself as an example to teach students about the dangers of alcoholism. Being escorted by police out of school left a lasting impression.”

 

Buhr concluded: “I hope that future students and staff learn from these examples.”

 

Her final thanks, to the class of 2019, was drowned out by an uproar of cheers, whistles and applause.

 

[PleaseBlitz]

@China  those videos made my day.  I subscribed to that channel.  

 

 

Edit:  Super NSFW

 

 

Edited June 13, 2019 by PleaseBlitz

[China]

Lucky Unicorn Nipples to be stocked by toy store in Vietnam

 

The entrepreneur behind a bizarre invention has finally found a toy store to stock his Lucky Unicorn Nipples.

 

Danny Ruxton, the man at the helm of Ruxton Corp, spent a year designing and making the strange good luck charm along with Dutch designer Ritchie Van Daal.

 

The 32-year-old showed off a pair of the colourful teats in their display case last year for the first time, but Brits may still have to wait some time to get their hands on the nipples.

 

 

Danny, who lives in Larkfield, said: "Lucky Unicorn Nipples are up and running which is great news, albeit only in Vietnam for the time being.

 

"This is where I chose to manufacture the nips. The company is called Happy Toys in Ho Chi Minh City."

 

So far, 5,000 pairs of the nipples, which are activated when you "flick 'em, rub 'em, suck 'em", have been made and will sell for 148,248 Dong - the equivalent of £4.99.

 

Click on the link for the full article and video

[China]

Man invents hair washing machine

 

Click for video 

 

https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=uT7mO_1560432050

 

 

[China]

Kevin Bacon, 55, struck police car while searching for "Saved by the Bell" episode

 

JUNE 14--Kevin Bacon was on his phone “using an Internet search engine to search for a specific episode of the 90's television sitcom ‘Saved by the Bell’” when he sideswiped a Vermont police car that had stopped to aid the driver of a disabled vehicle, cops report.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[MarkB452]

It was just one snake, but very close to Snakes on a Plane.   Could this be the birth of a sequel?  

 

Traveler unknowingly carries stowaway snake in his travel bag on Hawaii flight

 

https://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/video/traveler-unknowingly-carries-stowaway-snake-in-his-travel-bag-on-hawaii-flight/vi-AACQ0Kg?ocid=spartandhp

 

 

 

[Cooked Crack]

 

Most Florida thing outside of Florida.

[Riggo-toni]

https://kvoa.com/news/2019/06/26/a-substitute-teacher-has-been-fired-after-recording-nearly-a-dozen-pornographic-videos-in-empty-classrooms-at-a-texas-high-school/

 

Substitute teacher fired after recording pornographic videos in empty classrooms

 

(KPRC/NBC News) A Texas substitute high school teacher has been fired after police determined she recorded nearly a dozen pornographic videos in empty classrooms and a teacher workroom at El Campo High School.

El Campo Police Chief Terry Stanphill says the substitute uploaded the videos to a commercial porn website.

Although the teacher was fired, no charges have been filed.

“We can’t find a law that she violated,” Chief Stanphill said.

Edited July 2, 2019 by Riggo-toni

[China]

Little blue penguins ‘ignore police advice, raid sushi shop a second time’

 

Two of the aquatic birds took a fancy to Sushi Bi, in Wellington New Zealand, and forced their way into a warm spot under the shop.

 

The shop owners discovered them as they were opening up at about 6.30am and called the police.

 

The pair were temporarily taken into custody by Wellington police before being released back into Wellington Harbour.

 

 

Despite having been told not to come back the adorable pests made their way across a busy road and into the sushi bar a second time later that day.

 

The Department of Conservation removed them a second time but, they warned, it might not be the last.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Police: Flushing drugs could create ‘meth gators’ in Alabama

 

In a Facebook post, police addressed the issue of flushing drugs down the toilet.

 

Quote

On a more or less serious note: Folks…please don’t flush your drugs m’kay. When you send something down the sewer pipe it ends up in our retention ponds for processing before it is sent down stream. Now our sewer guys take great pride in releasing water that is cleaner than what is in the creek, but they are not really prepared for meth. Ducks, Geese, and other fowl frequent our treatment ponds and we shudder to think what one all hyped up on meth would do. Furthermore, if it made it far enough we could create meth-gators in Shoal Creek and the Tennessee River down in North Alabama. They’ve had enough methed up animals the past few weeks without our help. So, if you need to dispose of your drugs just give us a call and we will make sure they are disposed of in the proper way.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

The Birds Are Mobilizing Against Us

 

If you thought this would be your hottest summer yet, you’re wrong. It’s not a hot girl summer. It’s actually a cruel, violent bird summer, and the birds don’t even care. They’re too busy dive-bombing you while you’re out on a run working on your summer bod, or pecking at your naturally highlighted summer hair to care whether or not you even live through bikini season. Sorry, I don’t make the rules — the birds do.

 

The United States is currently experiencing an uptick in bird-on-human attacks, according to the Wall Street Journal, as humans have encroached more and more on natural bird habitats like marshes and wetlands. A man named Matt told the paper that he’s taken to jogging while flailing his arms over his head and wearing a hoodie near his home in Minnesota, to avoid a blackbird he calls “Nemesis.” Another describes being attacked by “avian scoundrels” while biking. A victim in Canada created a website called CrowTrax to tabulate crow violence in his area. “I’m yelling at him, and he’s yelling at me,” described a man who got into a “squawking match” with a red-winged blackbird. So, the birds have, in addition to scaring us, figured out how to make their human enemies look very, very stupid.

 

What your Nemesis may look like

 

The birds want us out. They’ve had enough. Humans are the absolute worst, the world is ending and it’s our fault, and summer is when our narcissism and consumer addictions reach such totally untenable levels that the birds just said, that’s it, we’re going to kill you all. And they’re not totally wrong. I for one will be going down without a fight and I submit fully to my bird king, Nemesis.

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

 

 

[twa]

 

[PeterMP]

(Not funny, but something that doesn't seem to deserve its own thread.)

 

https://www.cnn.com/2019/07/22/us/supermarket-missing-person-death-trnd/index.html

 

Grocery store employee missing for 10 years found behind store's cooler

 

This is a story that I need more details.  Did he not decompose?  If he didn't die quickly from the fall, did he didn't use the bathroom as he was dying?  Did it not smell?  Did nobody at the grocery think, hey this place stinks?

 

How did he die?  Was he stuck back there for days until he died of dehydration?

Edited July 23, 2019 by PeterMP

[mcsluggo]

[China]

^^^ Hmmm, that story seems familiar...

 

 

[China]

Grandma’s name raised a few eyebrows at supermarket

 

A great-grandmother was mortified after a technology blunder made it seem as if she was swearing at tens of people in a supermarket. Fran Young, 71, was collecting an online order at Walmart when the collection computer shortened her name to ‘F You’, displaying it on the screen for the whole shop to see.

 

 

The pensioner was clueless for 20 minutes as she sat under the sign bearing the accidental insult, wondering what the other customers were laughing at.

 

Click on the link for the full article

Edited August 9, 2019 by China

[China]

Hookup app '3fun' made for arranging threesomes exposed personal information, photos, and exact locations of over a MILLION users, including some at the WHITE HOUSE, in 'privacy train-wreck'

 

An app designed to facilitate group sex meetups between strangers has left the sensitive information of its 1.5 million users easily accessible, in what experts say is ‘probably the worst security for any dating app we’ve ever seen.’

 

In an alarming new report, the team at Pen Test Partners says the service 3fun exposes everything from near-real time locations and sexual orientations to pictures uploaded by its users – even if they’re set to private.

 

With personal information such as birthdays, gender, and geographic coordinates available, the researchers say it’s ‘fairly easy’ to work out exactly who and where a specific user is.

 

The app describes itself as the best platform for ‘meeting local kinky, open-minded people for threesome and swinger lifestyle.’

 

On the App Store, 3fun ironically boasts of its security, touting hidden profiles and private photos that can only be viewed by your matches.

 

But, the Pen Test investigation shows this is far from the truth.

 

The researchers found 3fun leaks all sorts of private information, meaning it’s available without having to ‘spoof’ the system – a technique that’s been exploited in the past on other dating apps such as Grindr. 

 

While users can opt-out of having their latitude and longitude sent to the app, the data remain available on the server.

 

With relatively little effort, the team was able to pinpoint dozens of users’ exact locations in both the US and UK.

 

     

 

Some even appeared to be in the White House and the Supreme Court, though the team notes that could be the mark of ‘a tech savvy user having fun making their position.’

 

Pen Test was also able to obtain users’ photos.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Bangkok woman hospitalised after she falls over and a cucumber ended up inside her

 

A 51 year old Thai woman was recently sent to hospital complaining of vaginal pain because she had a cucumber stuck in her ‘lady parts’.

 

She told hospital staff that she ‘fell’ on the cucumber. She says she fell down in her house and a cucumber just happened to be on the spot she fell and it “simply slipped inside her”.

 

“It was just an accident.”

 

The story was reported on Thai TV by two perfectly straight-faced reporters.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

‘Dragon lady’ spends £61,000 on body modification to become a genderless reptile

 

Tiamat Legion Medusa has spent at least £61,000 on cosmetic surgery and body modification. But we’re not talking about your average obsession with boob jobs or tummy tucks.

 

 

Tiamat has spent her money on castration, ear removal and tongue splitting, all to become a genderless reptile. There are still many procedures to go, as Tiamat plans to have a penis removal along with further tattoos. They hope to show a positive representation of people who have undergone body modification surgery. ‘People think that modified people, especially those who go to great extremes to look like something in a sci-fi film, are losers and dumb as dirt,’ says Tiamat. ‘In my past life as a man, I was a banking Vice President at one of the nation’s largest financial institutions.

 

‘I want people to know that modified people are just as intelligent, kind, loving, and good as anyone else. ‘Just because I had my ears removed, does not mean my brain just rolled out and I’m just a blithering idiot.’

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

 

[China]

This seems like satire, but this PC stuff has gone to far:

 

San Francisco board rebrands 'convicted felon' as 'justice-involved person,' sanitizes other crime lingo

 

Crime-ridden San Francisco has introduced new sanitized language for criminals, getting rid of words such as “offender” and “addict” while changing “convicted felon” to “justice-involved person.”

 

The Board of Supervisors adopted the changes last month even as the city reels from one of the highest crime rates in the country and staggering inequality exemplified by pervasive homelessness alongside Silicon Valley wealth.

 

The local officials say the new language will help change people’s views about those who commit crimes.

 

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, from now on a convicted felon or an offender released from custody will be known as a “formerly incarcerated person,” or a “justice-involved” person or just a “returning resident.”

 

A juvenile “delinquent” will now be called a “young person with justice system involvement,” or a “young person impacted by the juvenile justice system.”

 

And drug addicts or substance abusers, meanwhile, will become “a person with a history of substance use.”

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Officials: DQ burgers aren't made out of people

 

As a blizzard of rumors circulated on social media in the aftermath of a coordinated raid in Abbeville, Greenwood and Orangeburg counties by federal agents on Wednesday, the most outlandish may have been that a popular fast food restaurant was using a wince-inducing ingredient in their burgers.

 

Greenwood County Coroner Sonny Cox and state health inspectors are clear, however: Dairy Queen’s ground beef patties are not made out of people.

 

“I promise you, I’ve never had anything of that nature asked of me. I’ve never suspected anything like that. I can honestly say that’s the first I’ve heard of it, and I don’t see any validity in that at all,” Cox told the Index-Journal on Friday when asked about the possibility. “There’s little to no chance of anything like that ever being able to happen.”

 

Dairy Queen Manager Saif Momin, whose name appeared in an affidavit in support of a criminal complaint made public on Thursday in connection with two Greenwood County men arrested on charges of running an unlicensed money transmitting business, called the newspaper to assert his restaurant wasn’t cannibalizing its profits.

 

Click on the link for the full article