Has "pedophelia" gone too far?

[mistertim]

Regardless of the crime rates, people shouldn't be comfortable with some random, especially without a kid, playing with other kids. Not to demonize the OP, he was in the wrong on this one, and so was the lady.

I have absolutely no problem with that. As I said, she came out of the house yelling. I tried to simply talk her down and explain myself but she wasn't reasonable. Perhaps I should have knocked on their door before helping the kids with their sleds, but it really just didn't occur to me that it was a big deal at all.

[Botched]

Yeah, the pedo-paranoia thing is getting a little out of hand. If you are a 25-60 year old male in public without a companion you can bet that some parent nearby thinks you are a pedophile or some other brand of pervert.

And then you have parents on the opposite end of the spectrum, who are happy to see their annoying kids run off and play with any random adult just so they can get a few minutes of peace.

If I ever have a kid I'm going to try to be somewhere in between. I won't let any random adult near my child...unless they're wearing Skins gear.

[LD0506]

Interesting discussion, glad to see the consensus of opinion that while it is right to be concerned her reaction was WAY over the edge.

Whether or not there is an actual increase in pedophilia these days or it is just media-driven perception, as a parent I can sympathize to a degree because this is far and away the most horrific nightmare possible.

Here in Delaware there are a couple of long-running instances unfolding. One, a well-known pediatrician that abused children for years but the "system" managed to not act in spite of reports being made as long as ten years ago and multiple police investigations. Other doctors even joked about him, calling him "the pedophile" but no reports were ever filed. Another case is a long tenured judge that has abused children for decades but no action was ever taken, so the fears are not as unfounded as some might care to make them out to be.

The chances of your child being a victim of this are amazingly low, and being an involved parent, knowing where they're at and having the kind of relationship where they know they can tell you something or you can teach them basic behaviors to stay safe reduces the chances to virtually nil. Screaming at the neighbors doesn't do anyone any good.

This woman's children are very unlikely to be abused by a stranger but I have to wonder after hearing this related is what is she teaching them? Raising a child to live in fear or need "mommy" to intervene in every instance is a more harmful situation.

[Passepartout]

Hope and pray that we never, ever to get to live near one. So far, we haven't yet! Hope that we never will.

[Ned Flanders]

This is a result of the society we live in now.

We USED to play in the woods ALL day long, and come home at night. If we did that now, there'd be a search party out for you.

You can thank Dateline NBC

[GoSkins561]

IMO, Dateline deserves some credit for actually busting the creeps. The amount of pedophiles they bust is simply amazing.

[pjfootballer]

She better watch their teachers first. Especially if she has boys. The female teachers are on a rampage.

[Rudechain]

I have absolutely no problem with that. As I said, she came out of the house yelling. I tried to simply talk her down and explain myself but she wasn't reasonable. Perhaps I should have knocked on their door before helping the kids with their sleds, but it really just didn't occur to me that it was a big deal at all.

I understand where your coming from and think you did about all you could have done at the time. You were being a neighbor and showing kindness to the kids. Nothing wrong with that on the surface.

however, theflood of reports of child abuse, be it physical, sexual, emotianal or mental, has risent to tsunami like proportions with the advent of the internet and 24 hour cable news networks. The News industry has a saying "if it bleeds it leads". You know a story with death or suffering will get attention, so we see a lot of that in the media. Right or wrong, that's the world we live in.

Before moving to GA, I used to live in a townhouse in Alexandria. Both my wife and i spent a lot of time outside and spoke to neighbors every chance we got. Our neighbors got to know who we were, and we began inviting each other for cook-outs and the like. We developed a friendship and eventually a trust with these neighbors.

It was not uncommon for us to tell the neighbors kids to go home, or for them to knock on the door for a glass of water. But once again, the key for us was actively getting to know the neighborhood and it's denizens.

Tim, I would make the suggestion to at least introduce yourself to the neighbor and explain where you live. Speak with her about the pedophile comment at a later time. But at the least get to know who those neighbors are.

Kids are influenced by many factors, parents, teachers, and yes NEIGHBORS. Keep this in mind, meet the neighbors, and set a good example for those kids.

Who knows, you might end up having some nice cook-outs over the summer.

[RedskinsTime]

The female teachers are on a rampage.

Nice..

:look:

[mcsluggo]

Maybe you should go introduce yourself....

i presume you are saying that he should go leave a burning bag of poop on their doorstop...?

Sorry but if what the the OP relayed is accurate, then that lady is a steaming turd. Yes, parents are wary of strangers, and should be. I have daughters 4, 6, and 8 years old... i KNOW the feeling. But that doesn't give you a free card to be a lousy peice of crap when dealing with people. If you don't want your children interacting with strangers, then don't leave them out in public by themselves, forchristsake.

I am casting my vote for "crappy person"... and one worthy of burning bag of poop.

[Jumbo]

A stranger...Yes that is the world most of us live in.

Though too often it is not a stranger that harms them

One of the interesting things about the psychology of fear is the differences between what people will report as things they are afraid of, and to what degree, versus the things that are actually likely to harm them in some manner. There have been recent popular books and articles on the subject, and the serious research is fascinating. It reflects (as does so many other examinations of such matters) just how much of our personal world (and our opinions) is ruled by perception (which is influenced heavily by emotion-centered and social developmental factors) more than awareness/consideration of facts or "objective reality.” Perception is something most people can exercise increasing control over when certain cognitive skills are learned and practiced.

I work a great deal with children (and families) and somewhat miss "the old days" when as an unfamiliar adult male I could engage in random friendly interactions with kids anywhere without parents getting immediately concerned. Now I am much more cognizant of my choices and try to make sure I am projecting a very benign prescence and that conditions are "right" when I choose to do something of that sort. I have to say though, I don't find the overall social situation in child protection matters to be too extreme. What the OP experienced is what I would call more of an "extreme" reaction, and I feel for him. It sucks to be on the receiving end of that kind of deal. That parent is not helping their children or anyone else with such behavior.

Yet I too advise parents to teach their children all of today's typical defenses against risk-taking with strangers. The thing is, I also teach them how to be aware of problems with those who are known to the family, including each other if pertinent.

[GoSkins561]

She certainly came off as rude and who knows what she said to the neighbors and what type of rumors might be started.

It might serve the OP well to write her a letter explaining how he understands where she was coming from but didn't appreciate the harsh language. It might be helpful if the OP explained how being called a "pedophile" made him feel.

OP I might have missed this, but are you married? Have kids??

:2cents:

[NavyDave]

We had some snow recently. So I'm walking out to my car yesterday and a couple kids are building a little ramp for their sleds. I said hi and figured I would help them pack down some of the snow for it; no harm done, just someone helping out. Then all of a sudden their mom comes out the door and yells "get away from my kids are you some sort of pedophile?". I was like WTF??. I tried to explain that all I was doing was completely harmless but she would have none of it. I finally just walked off feeling a bit disturbed by the whole situation; obviously hoping that she isn't going to call the cops or something. I have no place in my heart for pedophiles. It is disgusting to me. To have someone think that such a random thing was such an act was horrid. But I have to think...has the "pedophelia" thing gone too far? Is it to such a situation where any mother who sees a person even talking or interacting with their kids is a threat?

Thats some effed up stuff. The neighbor kids when we were living in an apt before we moved into our house, knew me to be active when it came to their safety and they told their parents about me after the DC sniper shooting that I would look out for them getting on and off the bus in the morning and several of them thanked me and Mrs ND for being involved though a few wondered why I was concerned about others kids until I told them how we were raised and how our neighbors looked out for each other and the kids as well.

But nowadays you have to be careful to avoid the label.

[Ghost of]

It's the new mindset of perpetual war against the Male in this (and other Western) societies. Sure, it was originally based on wanting women, young kids and even other men to be cautious around strangers as stories of inhuman monsters proliferated in our media (and the number of incidents, I believe, has increased perhaps due to ease of anonymity and mobility) and that was reasonable.

Unfortunately, it fed into the agendas of a particular socio-political group (or two or three, including statists) and has become a sort of conventional wisdom.

We're all rapists, child molesters and violent criminals and we're to be treated as guilty until proven innocent. Meanwhile, that same mother who wanted you away from her kids would have no problem (I'm speaking generally) with letting some strange man who is dating her after a few weeks to hang around her kids without her supervision.

It's the same kind of thinking, IMO, that leads to posters that appeal to all men about "please don't rape/abuse" as if we're all potential rapists/wife-beaters who need to be reminded not to abuse or violate a woman.

It is unfortunate because I sometimes like to interact with children. Kids really seem to like me but even when I have every reason to be talking to them (outside of family, of course) I have to be mindful of how I am, be aloof to a degree, don't touch fergodssakes, etc.

Anyone remember that song "Have You Seen Her?" where the lead singer is talking about how he jokes with the children at the playground? No way that flies today.

Another issue is that pedophilia is made far more broad than is reasonable. One example of this is the Catholic priest scandals. A number of those cases, the majority it seemed, involved boys well into their teens. It was not so much pedophilia as ephebophilia and seemed like boys who were themselves curious sexually (can anyone tell me a 16 year old boy could be 'convinced' to touch a man's genitals, no matter his authority?) in a bisexual or homosexual way. That doesn't excuse the priests but it does frame the issue a bit differently than some 10 year old altar boy being coerced (or even 'consenting') to it.

[Kosher Ham]

It's sad because my neighbor's daughter missed the bus the other day and I was completely uncomfortable taking her to school.

So I didn't, and had my lady take her instead.

[mistertim]

She certainly came off as rude and who knows what she said to the neighbors and what type of rumors might be started.

It might serve the OP well to write her a letter explaining how he understands where she was coming from but didn't appreciate the harsh language. It might be helpful if the OP explained how being called a "pedophile" made him feel.

OP I might have missed this, but are you married? Have kids??

:2cents:

No, I don't have kids and am not married, but I do have a younger sister and neices and nephews so I can understand the emotional response and that could be coming from. I did try to talk to the mother and explain that all I was freakin doing was helping them finish their ramp but she wouldn't listen. So I walked off as she took kids back into the house. Perhaps I will go up and try to talk to her again.

[Bang]

If you feel you must, then talk to her.

But never put anything in writing.

EVER.

~Bang

[Ghost of]

This is ridiculous. I blame Nancy Grace and all of her ilk for convincing America that we are gripped by a horrible, neverending wave of ever worsening crime. Crime is DOWN

Protect your kid from creepy Uncle Dave in your own family, and you pretty have this issue covered.

Wasn't Nancy Grace's fiancee or boyfriend murdered? I think you may be attributing to cupidity what can be explained by obsession.

But I also think you conflate two different issues. Violent crime of the sort that probably took her loved one's life IS down. But while the odds are against someone being abducted, it IS happening a lot and there are kids in their own yards who have been taken or have just narrowly avoided being taken, including locally I believe (for me, I mean.)

I don't think every adult stranger should be treated like a criminal, obviously my post indicates that. But that does not mean that I think people should be casual with their children's safety or assume that walk down the street is going to be nearly as safe as it was 40 years ago.

I speak from my OWN experience, that I stupidly got into a car with someone that I was pretty sure (but not certain) was a relative of a friend of mine. He said he'd take me back to the apartment complex (I think I was at summer camp.) Now, nothing happened to me but nothing about that day makes sense. I could have been another statistic and I was actually fairly careful other than whatever trigger he used (I think he invoked my father's name and said something but it was BS) that day. It was something I would never even come close to doing again (not that I recall lots of opportunities lol) but I knew right after it happened how dumb I had just been.

Was he contemplating doing something else? Did he merely want to give a kid a ride home and his culture was different in how he approached it? I don't know. But he didn't know my parents (I checked.)

If that happened to me a quarter century ago in Maryland, it CAN happen to your kids in 2010. Except they may not be so lucky.

Nowadays your odds of being gunned down in a robbery are very low. And your ODDS of being adbucted as a child are low but it happens enough to not blatantly disregard common sense security measures and attitudes.

[mistertim]

If you feel you must, then talk to her.

But never put anything in writing.

EVER.

~Bang

I don't really think I should have to. But what choices to I have? I'm in a situation now where the lady across the street apparently thinks I'm a pedo for actually interacting with her kids and she wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain that it wasn't a big deal. The kids were actually having a good time. And no, I wouldn't ever put it in writing.

[War Paint]

Regardless of the crime rates, people shouldn't be comfortable with some random, especially without a kid, playing with other kids. Not to demonize the OP, he was in the wrong on this one, and so was the lady.

But didn't the OP say he was a neighbor, who lived across the street? It wasn't like he was a stranger roaming around in the neighborhood. I understand that some neighborhoods are different from others, but I can't imagine that happening where I live. Everyone is very friendly and are familiar with who lives where.

The only defense for that woman is that maybe she didn't know the OP lived across the street and thought he was a stranger roaming around. Other then that she was in the wrong IMO. It wasn't like he was having tickle fights with them or anything lol.

[81artmonk]

personally I'd walk over to her house wearing a t-shirt with a nazi swastica on it and when she answers the door, tell her "I'm not a pedophile, I'm a racist skin-head. Please don't insult me again!"

Than walk away.

[Ghost of]

One of the issues here is the increasing isolation we have from our neighbors. Part of that is mobility and people moving in and out of neighborhoods but another is that we just aren't connected to those in proximity to us, not like we are connected to people on cyberspace.

This means that the bonds and time spent to build trust simply doesn't exist in your average neighborhood and some people would actively avoid this kind of interconnectedness with their neighbors (often for legitimate reasons.) So people will use heuristics to determine the "trust" level they will invest.

remember that Gates, that professor in Harvard, wasn't recognized by his own neighbor. I don't blame either of them but we simply don't talk much to those around us, especially in neighborhoods without children. This means any person is a stranger, even by sight, and that means zero or minimal trust invested by the resident observer.

I actually don't get the sense from Nancy Grace or others, Predicto, that there is some epidemic of crime sweeping the nation. Granted, most of those cases don't end well and not many tips come in, but occasionally someone might be saved or a villain ensnared by publicity (America's Most Wanted being a much better example of this spirit of public cooperation in justice.)

I really don't see this problem going away. You can not treat the strange male as a potential criminal but that won't change the reality that a number of scumbags will ruin the name and social freedom of the male because only a fool will risk his own offspring's life on some outrage against the 'unfairness' of the new normal of paranoia.

Better to equip them as best you can, give them a cell phone or some new locator device or emergency button (that will then provide the location and communication) and teach them to be brave but not foolish and hope society figures a way to reincorporate the benevolent unfamiliar male into its mental paradigms.

[mistertim]

personally I'd walk over to her house wearing a t-shirt with a nazi swastica on it and when she answers the door, tell her "I'm not a pedophile, I'm a racist skin-head. Please don't insult me again!"

Than walk away.

That was an incredibly pointless post. I'm not even sure what your aim there is.

[Bang]

I don't really think I should have to. But what choices to I have? I'm in a situation now where the lady across the street apparently thinks I'm a pedo for actually interacting with her kids and she wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain that it wasn't a big deal. The kids were actually having a good time. And no, I wouldn't ever put it in writing.

If I were you I'd ignore her. You're not, there's no story there for her to spread. If other neighbors start to give you funny looks or worse, threaten her with a lawsuit.

But most likely ignoring her will solve the problem. If you should happen to find yourself in a situation where you might talk to her, I'd leave it alone entirely. I wouldn't talk about her kids at all and I'd only talk about the incident if she brings it up. Be nice, be a decent normal neighbor, and she'll figure it out.

~Bang

[Ghost of]

I wouldn't talk about her kids at all and I'd only talk about the incident if she brings it up. Be nice, be a decent normal neighbor, and she'll figure it out.

I concur here. It may be her paranoid defenses fall when she gets to know that you are, indeed, a trustworthy neighbor and a normal person who only deals with kids a la Michael Jackson. It's not that it's a just situation for you, but don't let the outrage over being treated like a pervert compel you to make matters worse for you. It could literally make a huge difference in your life. If she has reason to believe her initial concerns were justified, there's no end in the evil that could befall you.

The unfortunate part is, the real dedicated pervs are the ones who typically seek out positions of authority over children. Some neighbor helping build a snow ramp is probably one of the least likely. Abductors almost always make QUICK moves, they don't hang around to help, so you were really not a threat there.