The Fart Thread (enter at your own risk)

[pjfootballer]

Well hell, I'm a legand at work, and don't have to drink beer and eat wings to live up to my rep :doh: Today was one for the books........

I had to deal with what we call rolling thunder five times today. That's when you fart on a motorcycle, and a bubble of gas is trapped in you butt crack and moves back and forth (rolling), but can't find it's way out. You have to get you butt off the seat for it to escape, but depending on speed and traffic, you cant always lift your butt into the air

I crop dusted my managers office while he was stuck on the phone, and watched him suffer through the window A few minutes later I let one rip in my area, and the unsuspecting new guy walked right into the cloud of death. He'll never be the same :laugh:

Another funny one. Funny as hell. Crop Dusting. Cloud of Death. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[pjfootballer]

I went to a HS play one time, and I had horrible stomach pains until intermission when I let some rip outside, when the show started up again, I had to fart again, and I couldn't hold it in. The seats were the hard plastic kind, so when I let it rip, it made a nice tapping sound on the seat :laugh: but the best part was when I heard the mother behind me slap her kid because she thought he farted :laugh: and his face was priceless because he didn't know what she was talking about :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Honestly, you guys are killing me. Keep it up. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[#98QBKiller]

No, because they are usually submerged in the water.

Dammit, you got me.

I lol'd at work.

[pjfootballer]

I've been reading about all you guys in here with wives and girlfriends. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Dating and 1st year, we never farted in front of each other. 2nd year, I told her "the honeymoon was over" and started blasting. She would let one slip every now and then. Mostly SBD. Now after year three, she'll lean over to me and say, "I've got something to tell you, listen to this." (With her Spanish accent). And then the blast comes. Fair to say we're comfortable with each other now?

Also, this is one of those, you had to be there, to find it funny, but everytime I think about it, it cracks me up. My friends and I used to get together on Saturdays in the fall and play some football (we were in our 20's). One guy was always overweight, not obese, but heavy. He could move pretty good for his size. He used to come by my roomates and my apartment with fast food. Some of the greasiest, nastiest, dripping crap food he could find. One time my roomate was covering him on a fly pattern, then all of the sudden, he made a bee-line to his right cussing up a storm and let this friend go. Turns out, the guy was motor-boating farts all the way down the field. Oh, and he scored.

[ATV]

Back on a pleasant summer day in the early 1990s my old girlfriend and I were enjoying ourselves at the Baltimore Harbor. We were coming out of one of those greenish food pavillions with the stores below. We just came outside through a pair of double doors when BAM! - The doors behind up slammed open and a young guy was running out. He turned the corner and sprinted down the sidewalk. Very soon thereafter came a couple middle-aged guys right on his tail. Obviously the guy they were chasing was a shoplifter. Anyhow, there were lots of folks nearby enjoying the day that were also witnesing this. Well, as one of the men, a pudgy sort of white guy, was turning the corner in full speed he slipped and took a small tumble. The guy got back on his feet to begin the chase and as he did he let off a pair of huge ass farts that echoed around the entryway. He then took off down the sidewalk with the other guy.

After a brief second or two to take in what we just witnessed the two of us just started laughing and came to tears. We looked around and everybody else that saw the scene weren't laughing at all. That came to be a fine memory for the both of us. Maybe I'm still immature, but if I saw the same thing today, fifteen years later I'd still nearly wet my pants.

[tizzod]

dutch oven = pure comedic joy.

last time i went to dc, i held some flatulence for the last 25 minutes or so, so as not to soak in stench as it was cold outside. i opened the door, ****ed my leg, and ripped some ass of enourous proportions. one of those "i need a check-up wipe once i get to my boys crib" type deals.

after breathing a sigh of relief, i begin to exit my truck, and unbeknownst to me, an attractive lady and her hot friend had witnessed the whole episode.

I have a similar story. I was driving to my mom's house and as I was coming down the hill, I saw this lady walking to her house. Well, I turned on my mom's street and pulled around to the side street to park like I normally do at the curb. I started to feel the all familiar bubbling in my gut so I thought, "that woman was far enough away. I can get away with this." So I opened my door, stuck one leg out, and let it rip. It was nice. Good tone, loud. Felt great. I got the rest of me out of the car, stood up, turned around, and THERE SHE WAS! Smiling, alternating between looking at me and looking down at the ground, and trying to walk, very quickly, past me. What could I do? I kinda shrugged my shoulders, smiled back, said hello. Kinda like, yep, you busted me. Oh well! Embarrassing, but very funny.

[tizzod]

Everyone loves their own brand. :laugh:

God, beer farts are the worst. I am farting pretty much constantly, but im fearful that the next one may not be air ifyaknowwhatimean. Ive spent all day with that possibility hanging over my head, im totally stressed out. :laugh:

I live in fear of the shart.

[KingGibbs]

I live in fear of the shart.

Happen to me last year on the way to Kohl's with the wife. I was trying to be discreet about it and squeeze it out when :pooh: happened. I didn't tell the Mrs., but as soon as I got in the door I headed for the men's room with the I just :pooh: myself walk and proceeded to remove the :pooh: laden drawers and praying to God that someone didn't catch me making a run from the stall to the trashcan.

The irony of all this? I went there to buy new underwear. No joke. :doh:

[Predicto]

I recently learned that people have mistranslated Descartes' famous theorum.

It is not "I think, therefore I am."

It is this:

"When I laugh, I fart.

When I fart, I laugh.

Therefore I am.... stinky."

[Predicto]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=981446787638402685&q=fart+fire+disaster&total=3&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=1

[PleaseBlitz]

Apparantly, Popeye's, bud light, jager, vodka tonics, hotdogs, miller light, and coffee dont mix well. Good thing my office is empty today. :laugh:

[Bang]

Ah, interesting. so I just got back from playing some tennis, and I took my son and one of his friends with us. On the way home, the wife had to stop at the store, so while we killed time in the car, I offered up a quarter to whichever one could fart first.

My son won.

~Bang

[CandaceM23]

Apparantly, Popeye's, bud light, jager, vodka tonics, hotdogs, miller light, and coffee dont mix well. Good thing my office is empty today. :laugh:

You amaze me ....

How you can mix all of that food and function the next day is amazing.

Hotdogs make me vomit.

Popeye's sends me immediately to the bathroom.

Bud Light gives me headaches.

Jager - I likey.

Vodka Tonics - I can only have a few before I'm out of control.

Miller Light - My binge drinking beer of choice

Coffee is a laxative .....

[Koolblue13]

I had a seemingly normal fart run down my leg the other day. No way could I have seen it coming. I felt fine, it wasn't a monster fart, nothing.

Thank God I was at home. I went and sat on the toilet, because I figured I should, but that was it. So, I jumped in the shower. What an awful experience.

I'll never be so sure of a fart again.

[PleaseBlitz]

You amaze me ....

How you can mix all of that food and function the next day is amazing.

Hotdogs make me vomit.

Popeye's sends me immediately to the bathroom.

Bud Light gives me headaches.

Jager - I likey.

Vodka Tonics - I can only have a few before I'm out of control.

Miller Light - My binge drinking beer of choice

Coffee is a laxative .....

Ok i will break it down.....just for you.

Left work yesterday at 2, having not eaten lunch. Stopped at Popeyes on the way home. A #1, which is a 3 piece, with redbeans and rice and mashed potatoes and gravy.

Got home, turned on March Madness, ate the popeyes, drank the bud lights in my fridge.

Girl got to my house, caught the metro downtown for the Tourney.

Met up with Older Brother. His company rented out the back of Bar Louie. Open bar.....hence the jager, miller lights, and vodka tonics.

2 hotdogs at the game.

More bud lights when i got home.

Coffee is a necessity this morning.

[Henry]

How did I miss this thread? You guy have to stop posting this stuff during the season.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years now, so any illusion that I'm some sort of magical non-farting male has long since been dispelled. I've actually turned into Dad, who as master of his castle lets em go with wonton abandon, and anyone who doesn't like it can go find another house to live in.

My six-year-old daughter, however, blames the cat.

My youngest is two, and not fully potty trained, so when we're driving in the car and I let one go, there will be a pause and then my wife will say "was that you or the baby?"

All I have to do is smile.

[stwasm]

As absolutely disgusting as all of this is, this thread wouldn't be complete without the story of the man who used his "ability" as a profession:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane

[RedlightG20]

Office farts are pretty lethal. At my old job I sat behind a big desk that faced the door. I deliberately put a chair in front of my desk so that anyone who comes in to speak to me, they can sit in the chair. It's for their own protection.

As the master of my office, I like to keep the door closed on those "bad" days. And it just so happens on those same days, co-workers walk in and proceed to walk around to my side of the desk where it is dangerous for the nostrils. It was their fault for not following the rules, and they paid dearly for it.

Some random thoughts and questions:

-After years and years of random *******s sitting on our office chairs, I wonder if the coushin has soaked up all of those stenches. If anyone has put their nose down there, please let me know--I have many questions.

-You ever have a fart that stays in your crack like a bubble? You can rock back and forth in your seat and still feel the bubble, until it goes too far forward or backward, then fury is released. These are rare, but I always wondered what the bubble looked like.

-This may be more along the lines of "What is the Meaning of Life?", but I'll throw it out there anyway. Why do farts in the shower smell worse than in any other location??

[zoony]

I ripped one at the dinner table the other night. My son, who is 20 months and just starting to put a few words together here and there, looks up and says "poo-py!" My wife was mortified (moreso than normal)

:laugh:

no more farting at the dinner table

....

[PleaseBlitz]

Redlights post has me seriously contemplating a fart chair switcheroo.

[zoony]

our d-coordinator where i coach is about 5-11, 350 lbs. he yells constantly, and has some serious potty-mouth. but he's funny as hell.

one time last summer, during the first week of two-a-days, we're all sitting in the coach's office between practices. this guy rips an enormous fart, and immediately his expression changes.

now, if i squirted, i would do my very best to be inconspicuous, walk out, and do what i had to do with no one knowing. not this guy.

he stands up, and says "i think i just **** my pants." he then walks directly in front of another coach, bends forward and asks "did i just **** my pants?" he had a brown squirt line right down the crack of his ass.

he just walks out, gets in his truck, and comes back about 30 minutes in to the 2nd session w/ a new pair of shorts on.

STILL one of the funniest stories :laugh: :laugh: :rotflmao:

[jthor99]

Office farts are pretty lethal. At my old job I sat behind a big desk that faced the door. I deliberately put a chair in front of my desk so that anyone who comes in to speak to me, they can sit in the chair. It's for their own protection.

As the master of my office, I like to keep the door closed on those "bad" days. And it just so happens on those same days, co-workers walk in and proceed to walk around to my side of the desk where it is dangerous for the nostrils. It was their fault for not following the rules, and they paid dearly for it.

Some random thoughts and questions:

-After years and years of random *******s sitting on our office chairs, I wonder if the coushin has soaked up all of those stenches. If anyone has put their nose down there, please let me know--I have many questions.

-You ever have a fart that stays in your crack like a bubble? You can rock back and forth in your seat and still feel the bubble, until it goes too far forward or backward, then fury is released. These are rare, but I always wondered what the bubble looked like.

-This may be more along the lines of "What is the Meaning of Life?", but I'll throw it out there anyway. Why do farts in the shower smell worse than in any other location??

Yes, they are.

Any ever ripped one AFTER you thought your office worker had already left? Yet she forgets something in her desk!!! your just sitting there thinking the coast is clear and she walks back in and just catches it all to dome..!

Luckily the chick isnt hot nor cool so I didnt reall care but hte fact was it smelled hanious in the office and she HAD to forget something that day will im sitting there thinking the coast is clear.

[The Brave Little Toaster Oven]

Luckily the chick isnt hot nor cool so I didnt reall care but hte fact was it smelled hanious in the office and she HAD to forget something that day will im sitting there thinking the coast is clear.

Was she less than a 6.5?

[CallMeGreen]

...Vodka Tonics - I can only have a few before I'm out of control.....

I see lots of vodka tonics in your future. This is sort of like Superman admitting he gets weak-kneed around krytonite.

As absolutely disgusting as all of this is, this thread wouldn't be complete without the story of the man who used his "ability" as a profession:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane

There's a link on that same page to a "Mr. Methane", who's recorded four CD's (including one called Trouser Trumpet).

I think I know what I want to be when I grow up.

[tizzod]

I did something pretty cool a few days ago. I actually burped and farted at the same time. Surprised me, I didn't expect it. It was great. Unfortunately, I was alone so I couldn't share this great achievement with anyone.