DWinzit Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 you got buttowned Indeed I did!:laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EersSkins05 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Carlin on farts: Question.... have you ever had to fart on a bus, or a plane, but you haven't been farting all that day, so you dont really know the nature of the beast, you only knew there was LOTS OF IT. In a situation like this, you have to arrange to release a TEST FART. You have to release, carefully and quietly, about 10 to 15% of the total fart, in order to see if those around you can HANDLE IT, or if, in fact, you are about to precipitate a public health emergancy. When releasing the test fart it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge, like reaching for a magazine. "Say, is that Golf Digest?" (*Fart* *sniff*). "Hmm... Well, that dosn't smell too horrifying. In an odd way, it smells kind of pleasent. I think they outta enjoy the rest of this baby." ... And it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off of a foot locker. A fart that could end a marriage. And everyone aroung you heads for the exit, even the people on the plane! And you realize that it may be time to re-evaluate your fiber intake. It may not be necessary to eat an entire wicker swingset for breakfast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heyholetsgogrant Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 dutch oven = pure comedic joy.last time i went to dc, i held some flatulence for the last 25 minutes or so, so as not to soak in stench as it was cold outside. i opened the door, ****ed my leg, and ripped some ass of enourous proportions. one of those "i need a check-up wipe once i get to my boys crib" type deals. after breathing a sigh of relief, i begin to exit my truck, and unbeknownst to me, an attractive lady and her hot friend had witnessed the whole episode. I didnt know what a dutch oven was, I to look it up on Urban Dictionary: 1. dutch oven Blowing hard ass wind under the covers several times and building up stench while your old lady is brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed, then when she gets into bed, pull the covers over her head and yell "Dutch Oven" and let her enjoy the stench of your ass gas for at least 30 seconds. Jonas nearly crapped his Underoos preparing a Dutch Oven for his special lady! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dutch+oven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
codeorama Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 I tend to wait till my co-workers go into the bathroom then rip one in there office. Nothing like a phantom fart to start the day. :laugh: :laugh: :notworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Call me a killjoy, but I can't understand for the life of me how an adult can just "let one rip" in an office full of people. Not only is it embarrassing, it's ill-mannered. The CEO of my agency did that in my boss' office and he ran out of there REAL quick! :doh: She was totally mortified! i don't mean this to be an insult, but i am sincere when i say that you just might be the ultimate killjoy in all of the world. definitely our resident killjoy. great thread about having some drunk fun? you can count on stwasm to kill it. awesome thread about the humor of farts....have you guys met stwasm? he's here to take the fun away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EersSkins05 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 i don't mean this to be an insult, but i am sincere when i say that you just might be the ultimate killjoy in all of the world. definitely our resident killjoy. great thread about having some drunk fun? you can count on stwasm to kill it. awesome thread about the humor of farts....have you guys met stwasm? he's here to take the fun away. If only someone was there to fart on him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Harris Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 If only someone was there to fart on him. i got 20 bucks saying he laughs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrockster21 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 One of my favorite fart jokes: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly." The doctor says,"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." ---------- I posted this a few months ago in another thread, but it still slays me!! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skins0128 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Jrock, that is some funny **** there. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PSUHeckler Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 I didnt know what a dutch oven was, I to look it up on Urban Dictionary:1. dutch oven Blowing hard ass wind under the covers several times and building up stench while your old lady is brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed, then when she gets into bed, pull the covers over her head and yell "Dutch Oven" and let her enjoy the stench of your ass gas for at least 30 seconds. Jonas nearly crapped his Underoos preparing a Dutch Oven for his special lady! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dutch+oven I think it's more of a spur of the moment type thing - when she's already in bed is when you go for it. That way when she hears/feels what you're doing, she'll have a sense of shock, and some fear in her eyes... It'll give her that glimmer of hope she can still get away, but by that time the covers are already pulled over and she's trapped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EersSkins05 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 My wife has accidental dutch ovens. She thinks farting is disgusting, so she rarely lets anything out. Then she'll go to bed, and while she's asleep, her body will push that stuff out that she's been holding in. I'll climb into bed and encounter a smell that would melt your face off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuckinphilly1 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 :laugh: I'll have to remember that one..here's my best fart story. back in my early 20s I had a job for a company in Lanham,, good job, good company.. my FIRST day on the job I was called into one of the VPs offices to remove some boxes of papers that were in there. So she's in there, first time she's ever met me, very nice lady, turns out she signs the checks. So I'm doing my task, and on like the third box (there were maybe 8) I bent down to lift it, and it was heavier by a lot than the previous two, so when i lifted the sudden and unexpected strain of muscles forced out a very loud and nasty fart that I had no idea had been hiding in there. I mean KABOOM! Well, what the hell do you do? I looked at her, she had this look on her face like "Holy sh*t I can't believe you just did that in my office." I apologized, told her i didn't expect it. She looked like i was some kind f freak. So I carried the box out, and had to return for five more trips. God that fart was just rank and hanging in the air every time i walked back in. She never mentioned it, and I avoided her from that day forward. ~Bang Why are these threads in the tailgate today-meaning we aren't get 'credit' for posting!!! This was pretty f-in funny, laughing out loud at my desk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Well, I've posted this joke at least twice before, but it fits so well here. A lady meets a man and falls in love with him. After some time, they marry and settle down. After a lifetime together, and in their golden years, she has only had one complaint of the love of her life. From the day they met, he was a windy SOB. He got pleasure from farting, and would lift a cheek off his seat to let one go. He farted all the time, and would often strain to squeeeeeeeeeeeez one out. She figured it was something he would simmer down with over time, but to her dismay, he continued with the proud farting. The only thing she ever said to him over and over was, one of these days your gonna shoot you guts out your ass one of these days. After 43 years of this, she figured it was about time to teach him lesson. Thanksgiving morning rolled around, and she proceeded with her plan. As her hubby lay in bed, she could hear him banging away from time to time. She took the innards from the turkey, snuck into their bedroom, and deposited the innards into his draws betweed his legs. Shortly after, while she sat in the kitchen, she heard a fart, and blood curteling yall from her hubby. She yelled in, honey, is everything ok ????? not a word back. A few minutes later, her hubby shows up in the kitchen looking pale. She asks, is everything ok ?? Honey, he says, for 43 years you told me I would shoot my guts out my ass some day, and I was squeezing one out a little while ago. Sure as hell, I shot my guts out of myself, but with the grace of God, and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuckinphilly1 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 My favorite thing to do is to let a nasty one out with my girlfriend in the car. Once it hits her, I hold the button for her window on my controls which nulifies her attempt to roll down her power window. Oh the joy. OH YEAH....THE "CAR" OVEN!!! That and the Dutch are wonderful marriage fun!!!! I learned this from a former boss so I won't take credit here.....every once in a while, when the women are gone and nothing but guys around I'll let one rip....if it's a nice stinker then I'll say to a buddy "hey, comehere I gotta show you something" and just wait to see their face change....and it always does!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOG Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 One of my favorite fart jokes:A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, :laugh: Dude...this isnt a joke...it's my life...on a daily basis!!! I work in an Assisted Living home. The residents turning them loose there is about as common as breathing. In the middle of a conversation, eating lunch, and of course...on the elevator ride up to their rooms after a corned beef and cabbage lunch. The women are usually much worse than the men. I used to the foodservice and I would love the days I would fix cabbage, broccoli or anything else that the residents would "take with them" when the staff had to to care. Well, now that Ive made the switch to the care side and it aint so funny!:doh: The other day...a lady farted in the hall...this is no exaggeration..it took us over 2 hours to get the smell out of the hallway, we tried to close the firedoors, but it didnt help. As for the dutch oven....who needs the covers...just getting her in the bedroom is all I need!:laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twenty-eight Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 :laugh: That so gross, Pete! :puke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IONTOP Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Personally I LOVE farting. I love when you fart and deer think you're calling them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CPortJGibbs89 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 If you can't enjoy a good fart you can't be my friend. I mean farting is one of the funniest things in the world to me. I actually have to let one rip right now but I am working next to a failry new person and not sure I want to introduce her to the whole me yet. I hate the farts when your laughing at something and you did not realize you have to fart and you squeeze one out and it reeks . I was actually at work one day helping a customer and her son was walking around my bank office and all of a sudden you hear this huge fart let out and we all look around and I just start laughing my ass off and I could not help it. The most embarassing part is my boss knows I like to rip them off occasionaly and she actually thought it was me because it was that loud. I was like hell no I would not fart infront of a customer.... or would I.. Great thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrFan Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart. Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?" Man says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!" A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher. Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. S Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 :laughs: God help me if I can't laugh at a fart anymore! I could never do the blame thing either, if there are other people around, and we hear a fart, I am always the first to laugh, whether it was mine or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptChaos86 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I was just laughing so hard i ripped one off. it snuck up on me. good stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrockster21 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Ugh...I've got beer farts this morning. I'm killing myself over here!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CPortJGibbs89 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Ugh...I've got beer farts this morning. I'm killing myself over here!! Beer farts are the worst, I always have those Sat morning on the way to work and they are just incredible, I laugh all the way to work its great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PleaseBlitz Posted August 20, 2007 Share Posted August 20, 2007 This needs a bump. /farts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaceman Spiff Posted August 20, 2007 Share Posted August 20, 2007 This needs a bump./farts. If anyone had to bump this, it'd be you. That said, I had some egg farts this weekend man. I had no idea what the hell caused it but it was awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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