MattFancy Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=byRankDescending My favorite one so far: I've been making a conscious effort to try and start eating better. I bought these gummy bears to eat as a low calorie treat. When they first arrived, I sampled one and thought they tasted pretty good.The next day I made a mistake I will regret the rest of my life - I brought the bag to work. While working I scarfed down a few handfuls over the coarse of a few hours. I must have had about 3-4 handfuls. Almost immediately afterwards, I started getting terrible gas pains.I work in a cubicle surrounded by other people, so I can't just let my farts fly out as they come. So, I went for a stroll around the building, to discretely vent the gas from my body as I walked down the hallways.After I let a few of the farts out, I felt a wetness in my underpants. Panicked, I made a beeline towards the nearest bathroom. Sure enough, I had a full-on Hershey squirt in my boxers.I sat in the bathroom stall for about 15 minuets trying to decide what to do. Meanwhile people were coming and going from the bathroom. I was so scared I started to sweat and shake.I mulled over a few different plans for what seemed like an eternity. I finally decided that I would remove my boxers, flush them, and finish out the day commando style. I'm pretty sure my boxers clogged the toilet. I got out of there so quickly, I'm not even sure.While they are delicious, these bears cost me a pair of boxers, and my dignity. You're welcome ES, you're welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Predicto Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Glorious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN! First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper. BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riggo-toni Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Are they sweetened w/maltitol? Sugar alcohols aren't for everybody... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PCS Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 LMAO. Funny,but man talk about a "duh" moment,( I was going to with the old Sherlock saying but that would be a bad pun of epic proportions. It has a sugar alcohol in it. Too much of that stuff has been know to cause it's own share of,er,lower intestinal discomfort. Sigh. People sometimes,(still love those reviews). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattFancy Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 LMAO. Funny,but man talk about a "duh" moment,( I was going to with the old Sherlock saying but that would be a bad pun of epic proportions. It has a sugar alcohol in it. Too much of that stuff has been know to cause it's own share of,er,lower intestinal discomfort. Sigh. People sometimes,(still love those reviews). I think it even says on the site that it can cause "intestinal distress" lol. The reviews are amazing though. It's almost like I want to try some just to see if it's as bad as the reviews say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulane Skins Fan Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I think this is my favorite: "Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans." I think it even says on the site that it can cause "intestinal distress" lol. The reviews are amazing though. It's almost like I want to try some just to see if it's as bad as the reviews say. Some of these have to be fake right. Schtick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riggo-toni Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Just noticed it says sweetened w/lycasin. Being diabetic, I thought I'd been exposed to every psuedo sugar there was, but I never heard of that one. Must be some East German surplus stuff. Most of these reviews are obviously fake, and probably written by the same person. Machen Sie kaffee? - not Sind Sie Kaffe Machen? If you're going to create a funny fake story, details might matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0crates Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 These are really funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 No doubt some of them are fake. Once the first one went up I'm sure there was a desire to pile on. Still though, it's funny seeing such things marked as Amazon verified. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Predicto Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I was looking for a low calorie 'grazing' snack when I originally bought this product. Tastes fine. After my first enjoyment, I experienced something less enjoyable. That might have been something else I ate that day, so some time later, full of wariness and scientific curiosity, I ate some just before leaving work. 1 hour, 30 minutes later, after retrieving the children from school, we arrive back at home. During this time, the gummi bears, hereafter referred to as The Fuel, were being carefully processed in the fuel system of Space Ship Me. I can only assume that The Fuel is a highly advanced binary propellant because it is non-reactive and benign in storage and even during initial ingestion. But as with all binary propellants, when mixed with the complementary other half of the pairing, the results are highly energetic. Turning my parental duties over the the capable hands of the Roku and widescreen TV, I proceeded upstairs apace, shedding unnecessary accoutrements as I could tell this cowboy was about to Go Rodeo. Entering the Launch Facility (a.k.a. real estate agents refer to it as the 'master bath') I approached the Launch Pad itself, a fine furnishing manufactured by American Standard. As it was handy to the direct path of travel, and to further the cause of Science!, I stepped onto the bathroom scale and made note of my weight. I then configured the Launch Pad into the second receiving mode and positioned Space Ship Me atop the launch aperture. All hatches closed! Exhaust fans to full power! Sitzfleisch sealed to Launch Pad support ring! (It's a German double entendre, look it up.) Fuel flow starting, easing open sphincter, commence count down! 10! 9! 8! Whoops, 1! Thrust built rapidly to the 100% rating of the nozzle. The exhaust thundered against the parabolic shape of the Launch Pad and reverberated back upwards, buffetting the structure of Space Ship Me. I swear, if I had thought ahead to equip the Launch Pad with the kind of camera available for the Discerning Customer with Refined Tastes from a Discrete Retailer, you might have seen shock diamonds. I know some other customers have thought that they might have needed seat belts, but from my dispassionate observation point, I could objectively see that I had not yet achieved Lift-Off. That happened on the Saturn V launches as well: they had to sit on the pad for a while at full thrust until just enough fuel has burned off to make the thrust exceed weight. It's a long way to orbit, and I was in a hurry to get to the ISS, so the only thing to do was to go to 125% on the nozzle. That's where things started to go wrong. Thrust increased, to be sure, hammering the porcelain, but the exhaust flow became turbulent. It was also becoming asymmetric. The signal came from below, "The engines cannae take any moor, Cap'n!" (I have no idea why my arse has a Scottish accent.) Fuel flow dropped off and the nozzle output dropped to merely 10%, with some damage to the combustion chamber. But luckily, sitting quietly for about five minutes, The Fuel had regenerated enough pressure that I could make another attempt. After about thirty minutes and several attempts, I had not achieved lift off, and Thank God, because I realized belatedly that I hadn't a plan for how to get through the ceiling and roof. But the scale revealed that I had lost seven (7) pounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfitzo53 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Just noticed it says sweetened w/lycasin. Being diabetic, I thought I'd been exposed to every psuedo sugar there was, but I never heard of that one. Must be some East German surplus stuff. Most of these reviews are obviously fake, and probably written by the same person. Machen Sie kaffee? - not Sind Sie Kaffe Machen? If you're going to create a funny fake story, details might matter. "Lycasin's known side effects in adults include bloating, intestinal gurgling or rumbling (borborygmi), and flatulence. Some cases of severe intestinal distress have resulted from consuming excessive quantities of foods containing Lycasin. One well-known product containing Lycasin are the sugarless Haribo gummy bears.[3] Prolonged or acute diarrhea may be a sign of Lycasin poisoning and individuals should seek immediate medical help if they experience these symptoms.[4]"Wonder whether part of that Wikipedia article was added post-reviews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 So I'm picturing this as the result of eating those things: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Die Hard Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I believe `sugar free` alcohol food items (ie. chocolates and candies) are the only products I`ve ever encountered that had the symptom of `anal leakage` written on the package as a common side-effect. I relented (many years ago when I was on the Atkins diet). Fortunately, I avoided the anal leakage... but not the torrential diarrhea. Lesson learned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsmarydu Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Thank God for Twizzlers???????????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I believe `sugar free` alcohol food items (ie. chocolates and candies) are the only products I`ve ever encountered that had the symptom of `anal leakage` written on the package as a common side-effect. I relented (many years ago when I was on the Atkins diet). Fortunately, I avoided the anal leakage... but not the torrential diarrhea. Lesson learned. Remember those chips made with Olean/Olestra ? I think they were called "Wow" or something along those lines. I think it was Lays...the said on the commercials...may cause anal leakage (IIRC). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chipwhich Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Might be the funniest thread ever on ES. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
757SeanTaylor21 Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 These reviews thoroughly taken up my lunch break with straight laughter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toe Jam Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 "Ideal gift for your Congressional representatives" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQWaXlsdyko Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Die Hard Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Remember those chips made with Olean/Olestra ? I think they were called "Wow" or something along those lines. I think it was Lays...the said on the commercials...may cause anal leakage (IIRC). I hadn`t heard of that products :-) Keep in mind, Canadians don`t have equal access to the vast varieties of selection (food items/restaraunts/franchises and clothing) that Americans do. Most of the stuff makes it here eventually.... some more quickly than others. What kind of substitute is Olean? A fat substitute? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sisko Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Exactly. And in this case it turns out that you guys were better off for the delay in getting products. Lets just say it saved your asses! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosher Ham Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I hadn`t heard of that products :-) Keep in mind, Canadians don`t have equal access to the vast varieties of selection (food items/restaraunts/franchises and clothing) that Americans do. Most of the stuff makes it here eventually.... some more quickly than others. What kind of substitute is Olean? A fat substitute? I always forget that you are in Canada. But yeah, it's a fat substitute. It didn't say anal leakage apparently. It stated "loose stool". Just as bad to me. haha. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olestra Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingGibbs Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Sugar alcohols definitely cause a laxative effect on me. Happened to me in Kohl's and like that guy, I camped out in the stall for a while trying to decide what to do. Walked out commando. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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