Random Funny ARTICLES Not Worth Their Own Thread

[China]

THE TORONTO CIRCUS RIOT OF 1855 — THE DAY THE CLOWNS PICKED THE WRONG TORONTO BROTHEL

 

These weren’t the kind of clowns you want to mess with. They were, by all accounts, a pretty rough crew. They were in town for just a couple of days — part of a touring show from the U.S. called S.B. Howes’ Star Troupe Menagerie & Circus. Along with the clowns, there were acrobats and equestrian trick riders and a bunch of exotic animals: big cats, elephants, even a giraffe. The circus had already performed a few sold out shows that day — it was a rare big draw in a city that was just starting to come into its own.

 

This was the summer of 1855. And Toronto was growing very, very quickly. Forty thousand people lived in the city now — and new immigrants were flooding in all the time. With the very first railways starting up, the population would double over the next 20 years.

 

But in a lot of ways, it was still a rough, pioneer town. It would be a long while before we got our reputation for being Toronto The Good. If anything, we were the opposite. There were 68 taverns along Yonge Street — an average of one every 1200 meters between here and Barrie. In the city itself, there were 152 of them. Plus 203 beers shops on top of that. And then, there were the brothels. We had a lot of brothels.

 

The circus was done for the day and the clowns had the rest of the night off, so they decided to take advantage of the local nightlife. They picked a brothel near the corner of King & Jarvis and settled in to have some fun. But the rest of the night wouldn’t go as planned.

 

It seems the clowns picked the wrong brothel. This one was a hangout for some of the men in a local volunteer fire brigade: The Hook & Ladder Firefighting Company. And these weren’t the kind of firemen you wanted to mess with either. In those days, there was no central, public, government-run fire department. When a fire broke out, all the companies who were nearby rushed to the scene with their horse-drawn engines to get there first and call dibs. Just a couple of weeks earlier, the Hook & Ladders had arrived at a fire on Church Street at the same time as another brigade. A fight broke out. As the building burned, the firemen rioted in the street. When the police showed up, they got pulled into the brawl too. In the end, the firemen were charged with assault. And the battle became known as the Firemen’s Riot. The Hook & Ladders were no strangers to violence.

 

No one seems to agree on exactly how the fight at the brothel got started. Some blame a particularly loudmouthed clown. Some say the clowns cut in line — or knocked the hat off a fireman’s head. But this much is clear: that night, the clowns kicked some firefighting ass. At least two of the firemen were seriously injury, dragged out of the brothel to safety as the Hook & Ladder crew retreated. For the rest of the night, the clowns could drink and have sex in peace.

 

But it wasn’t over yet. 

 

Click on the link for the full story

[PokerPacker]

15 minutes ago, China said:

THE TORONTO CIRCUS RIOT OF 1855 — THE DAY THE CLOWNS PICKED THE WRONG TORONTO BROTHEL

 

Click on the link for the full story

"Every single police officer in the city was fired and a new force was created from scratch."
Anyone have the guts to do that today?

[China]

Don't throw your kids in the air if you've got a ceiling fan, doctors say

 

 

 

You'd think that would be obvious but...apparently not

[skinsmarydu]

Only thing I accidentally put into the ceiling fan was the headstock of my brand new Yamaha bass at the end of "Breadfan". 

Even my ****atiel (Simon) knew to stay away from it. 

[FuriousD]

19 hours ago, skinsmarydu said:

Only thing I accidentally put into the ceiling fan was the headstock of my brand new Yamaha bass at the end of "Breadfan". 

Even my ****atiel (Simon) knew to stay away from it. 

I love that you were/are a bass player but more impressed by your choice of tune to rock to! 

[China]

Nessie hunters hear sounds but fail to record them

 

The mystery of the fabled Loch Ness monster endures despite a weekend of mass-participation Nessie hunting.

 

About 200 volunteers kept a lookout for mysterious events from the shoreline, but spotted nothing unusual.

 

Alan McKenna, from volunteer research group Loch Ness Exploration, was on a boat using a hydrophone system to capture the underwater sounds of the Highlands loch.

 

He said when they were testing the system on Friday, they heard four distinctive "gloops".

 

"We all got a bit excited, ran to go make sure the recorder was on and it wasn't plugged in," he sheepishly admitted.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

WATCH: 3-legged bear breaks into Florida home, drinks White Claw

 

A three-legged bear known as Tripod broke into a lanai over the weekend and decided to have a party.

 

Josaury Faneite-Diglio told NBC affiliate WESH that she received a security camera notification around 5 p.m. Sunday and saw that Tripod was paying her Lake Mary house a visit.

 

At the same time, Faneite-Diglio’s son, 13-year-old Joseph Diglio was home and heard the family dog Bruno barking. Soon after, he spotted Tripod breaking in by tearing a hole in the patio screen.

 

“Oh my God. I’ve never been this close to a bear,” Diglio said in the video.

 

Tripod then made himself at home and opened the family’s mini fridge.

 

“Once I saw him open the fridge, I got scared that he could open the doors to the houses,” Diglio said.

 

Faneite-Diglio told the news station that Tripod had some fish food that was left next to their fish tank and then proceeded to the bar.

 

“He took three White Claws, drank, and left very happy. His favorite flavor is mango and strawberry,” Faneite-Diglio told WESH.

 

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

 

[Captain Wiggles]

I wanna party with that bear. 🐻🍻🤪

 

[China]

Watch: Man Calmly Ushers Giant Black Bear Off Patio, Gets Swatted

 

Bear experts are clear about what to do if you encounter a black bear: Stand your ground, make a lot of noise, wave your arms around to make yourself appear bigger, and generally try to scare the bear off. Or you could ignore all that sound advice and do what this guy did and herd a bear away from your lakeside patio party with all the self-assuredness of a 270-pound nightclub bouncer, still clutching a cigar in your left hand.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwyJWFlvKzr/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=f79e47e3-165c-4adc-b829-e00c43025e63

 

The footage from the encounter surfaced on Barstool Philly's Instagram account on Sept. 5, and it instantly caused an uproar. In the video a group of people appears to be hanging out next to a lake, possibly at an outdoor patio. A guy in a cut-off t-shirt and basketball shorts ushers a large, ambling black bear away from the setup, steering it past hanging baskets of flowers, tiki torches, and a 65-inch flatscreen television propped up on a stack of firewood.

 

Once the guy and the bear reach the gate, there's a pause. The bear clearly doesn't want to leave, and makes this known by reaching up and swatting the guy, apparently named Mike, on his torso. But Mike barely budges, instead sticking a finger in the bear's face and then pointing it out of the patio like he's putting a stubborn dog in the backyard.

 

The bear takes a final look around before finally moseying through the gate and out into the street (straight toward two unsecured trash cans). Grinning at the camera, Mike lifts his shirt up to reveal the few long scratches from the bear's claw.

 

Click on the link for the full story and video

[China]

'Ritual mass murder' report in Chapel St Leonards was yoga class

 

A yoga class was mistaken for a "ritual mass murder" scene after members of the public saw several people lying on the floor and reported it to police.

 

Five police cars descended on the North Sea Observatory in Chapel St Leonards, Lincolnshire, on Wednesday night.

 

Yoga teacher Millie Laws said she thought reports of her being a "mass murderer" were a "joke at first".

 

Lincolnshire Police confirmed everyone was safe and well, and the call was made with "good intentions".

 

Click on the link for the full article

[Califan007 The Constipated]

 

 

Delta Flight Forced To Make Emergency Landing Due To Passenger's Diarrhea

A Delta flight traveling from Atlanta to Barcelona was forced to turn around two hours into its journey after a passenger's diarrhea was deemed a 'biohazard issue' by the pilot.

https://www.comicsands.com/delta-flight-emergency-landing-diarrhea-2664998153.html?utm_term=Autofeed&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Twitter#Echobox=1694109015

 

A Delta Airlines airbus that departed Atlanta en route to Barcelona, Spain, was forced to turn back due to a passenger who had severe diarrhea "all the way through the plane."

According to the Huffington Post, Friday's transatlantic Flight DL194 made an emergency landing two hours after its departure due to what the pilot identified as “an onboard medical issue."

 

Both my wife and I were on the flight. It was a mess."

"The pilots made the right decision to turn around. The ground crew ripped out the carpet and put new in."

"Considering the circumstances, the ground crew did a great job, along the attendants and the pilots."

 

 

 

 

Let the puns commence lol...

 

 

 

[China]

BBC Disinformation Correspondent Marianna Spring Accused Of Lying On Her Resume

 

The BBC’s first disinformation correspondent has apparently been caught in a lie.

 

Marianna Spring, one of the BBC’s fastest-rising stars, reportedly embellished the truth on her resume while applying for a job before she joined the broadcaster in 2018.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[Captain Wiggles]

Quote

Everything else on my CV is entirely true,” Spring wrote.

 

[China]

B.C. man 'offended' by person wearing camouflage pants, calls cops

 

A person wearing camouflage pants in public left a British Columbia man outraged last week.

 

So much so that the 27-year-old Trail resident called police to complain and said he was “offended on behalf of the military” as he believed civilians were not allowed to wear those kinds of pants.

 

According to the Trail and Greater District RCMP, an officer received a phone call Friday afternoon about the garment. The man requested that the officer find the man and remove his pants.

 

Police say the officer informed the man that the removal of someone’s pants would be illegal even if they were camouflaged.

 

The caller told the officer he would remove the man’s pants himself “under order of King of England.”

 

The officer replied that forcefully removing the man’s pants would constitute an assault and dissuaded him from taking action.

 

“Our officers did look for the man reportedly wearing the camouflage pants downtown but unsurprising couldn’t find him,” Sgt. Mike Wicentowich said in a release.

[China]

Police storm street after prankster hangs fake body parts out of neighbour's wheelie bin

 

Police stormed a street after a prankster hung fake body parts out of a neighbour's wheelie bin. Officers were called to the scene in Devizes by a member of the public at around 4.30pm on Tuesday, September 12.

 

 

They began their investigation into the report - searching various bins in the area. But a local resident then flagged them down to explain - and told them it was a prank that "got out of hand".

 

Officers inspected the body parts - a hand and two feet - and confirmed them to be fake. Following the incident, the man said: "I put them in our neighbour's bin, sticking out.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[China]

Black bears raid Krispy Kreme delivery van on JBER

 

A mama black bear and her cub had their fill of sweets Tuesday morning when they climbed into a van delivering Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and devoured several boxes of the freshly baked treats.

 

The van was parked on Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson when it happened. As a delivery driver was making a regular stop at an Express store on base, he briefly left the van door open to deliver doughnuts to the store. That’s when the mother bear and her cub snuck inside.

 

“You could hear them breaking open the packages,” said Shelly Deano, manager of the JBER store. “We were trying to beat on the van but they just kept eating all the doughnuts. They ate 20 packages of the doughnut holes and I believe six packages of the three-pack chocolate doughnuts.”

 

Deano called base security, which eventually got the bears to leave the van by blasting loud sirens. She said they ambled off into the nearby woods.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[skinny21]

On 8/19/2023 at 12:06 PM, China said:

Don't throw your kids in the air if you've got a ceiling fan, doctors say

 

 

 

You'd think that would be obvious but...apparently not

When a buddy I grew up with met my firstborn (who was about 2), first thing he does is grab my kiddo and toss him up into our ceiling fan.  

[China]

Wild Bear Breaks Into Disney World and Wreaks Havoc in Magic Kingdom

 

Millions of guests visit Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida, each and every year in order to experience the iconic list of attractions found here. Rides like “it’s a small world” and Peter Pan’s Flight have become household names, becoming some of the most legendary dark rides in the world. Rides like Expedition Everest and Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind set the bar high in terms of roller coasters, showing the true talent and skill of Walt Disney Imagineering.

 

Unfortunately, none of this matters if the rides themselves are closed, which actually tends to happen quite often. It’s crucial that rides undergo maintenance and refurbishments so they remain as safe as possible, but sometimes, rides can close for unknown reasons, leaving guests in the dark. It’s always disappointing when your favorite happens to be closed when you visit a theme park, but this is simply part of the process. However, it’s not every day that the amount of ride closures hit double digits, which is exactly what happened at the Magic Kingdom Monday morning.

 

As reported by Wdwnagic, ten attractions are closed at Magic Kingdom as a result of a major outage. Outages are fairly common, though this specific example is quite unbelievable. This outage is reportedly a result of a wild bear running loose inside the Magic Kingdom itself. Spotting a wild bird, lizard, or snake is a fairly common occurrence at the Wlat Disney World, with the entire resort basically being swamp land. However, seeing a bear walk through the Magic Kingdom is certainly a site we would rather avoid, even if it sounds like a Disney film come to life.

 

Click on the link for the full article

 

 

[China]

Chinese Women Are Using Fake Belly Button Stickers to Make Their Legs Look Longer

 

Belly button stickers are apparently all the rage in China these days, as a growing number of women are reportedly using them as a way of making their legs appear longer.

 

 

There is a curious beauty trend going on in China right now. Young women are paying 5-10 RMB ($0.70 to $1.40) for sheets of temporary tattoos designed to look like belly buttons. The stickers are usually placed a few centimeters above the real navel, which is then concealed with skirts or pants, in order to make the torso seem shorter and the legs, longer. It sounds pretty dumb, but belly button sticker manufacturers are struggling to keep up with demand, and social media platforms like Xiaohongshu are being flooded with video tutorials on how to use the temporary tattoos and clips showing their effects on the wearer.

 

Click on th elink for the full article

[China]

Dildos and Lube Seemingly Scattered Across Interstate After Truck Crash in Oklahoma

 

A rollover crash on I-40 in Oklahoma set social media on fire Wednesday after one of the trucks involved appeared to drop its load of dildos and lubricant onto the roadway as a result of the incident, according to the Independent.

 

Helicopter footage published to YouTube by Oklahoma News 9 on Wednesday shows what appears to be boxes of sex toys and tubes of lube scattered across the roadway near Mustang Road, just outside Oklahoma City, following the crash. No injuries were reported.

 

In the video above, you can hear News 9's chopper pilot Jim Gardner steer around describing what appears to be the truck's true contents as the camera zooms in to get a better look. It's all a bit comical.

 

Click on the link for the full article and video

 

Coincidentally, Dildos and Lube is the name of my Whitesnake cover band.

 

[China]

Council not amused as solar panels spell out penis

 

An novel pattern of solar panels on the roof of three terraced houses in the town of Doorn has sparked a council investigation, because they spell out the Dutch slang word for penis.

 

 

The roof has caused a bit of a social media stir and sometimes the houses are buzzed by low flying helicopters who want to take a photo, prompting Utrechtse Heuvelrug council to take action.

 

The owner of the middle house, who preferred to remain anonymous, was the last to get the panels and says the shape had to be different because of the skylight. “The panels had to be placed around it and so it became a U,” he told the Gelderlander newspaper. And that means the panels spell out LUL, or dick. 

 

Click on the link for the lulz

[China]

Huge city becomes 'hooker convention' as UN diplomats 'go crazy' for £4,000 escorts

 

The UN General Assembly has brought a "hooker convention" with them to their New York City summit as sex-hungry diplomats have led to a boom in escorts flying in from around the world, according to local sex workers.

 

As hundreds of diplomats meet with world leaders to discuss global policymaking by day, high-end hookers from Las Vegas and Europe have been travelling to the Big Apple to serve them by night. "Business goes up 20% to 25%, girls literally fly in from Vegas and Europe . . . it’s like a hooker convention," one escort familiar with the lucrative business told Page Six.

 

The foreign aids are apparently taking international relations seriously, meeting with only the best sex workers from across the globe and splashing out between "$3,000 and $5,000" per session. "Diplomats go crazy because they’re so repressed where they are, they don’t have these girls," the source claimed.

 

Click on the link for more

[China]

Shirtless man in golf cart leads police on chase

 

A shirtless man wanted for robbery and grand theft auto led officers on a slow-speed pursuit with a dog in his lap from behind the wheel of a golf cart Sunday night in the San Fernando Valley, authorities confirmed to KTLA.  

 

The pursuit, according to the Los Angeles Police Department, started just after 9 p.m. in the 18700 block of Ventura Boulevard and ended approximately 10 miles away near the intersection of Oxnard Street and Laurel Canyon Boulevard at around 9:44 p.m.  

 

Video of the pursuit obtained by KTLA showed the shirtless suspect driving a golf cart marked with the word “security” on its side weaving through traffic, moving into lanes on the wrong side of the road as several marked patrol vehicles trailed him, all while holding a medium to large size dog on his lap.  

 

The footage also showed people out in the street taking photographs of the suspect as he passed by.  

 

Eventually, the shirtless and shoeless suspect ditched the golf cart and attempted to flee police on foot while carrying the dog. He was tackled in the parking lot of a nearby business and taken into custody.  

 

The dog is innocent and not facing any charges.  

 

 

 

Click on the link for more

[China]

Motorist fined after dog seen behind wheel of car

 

Police in Slovakia have fined a car owner whose dog was behind the wheel.

 

A speed camera photo, posted on Facebook, appears to show a smiling canine in the driving seat of a Skoda.

 

 

The car owner insisted that his pet - a brown hunting dog - had suddenly leapt into his lap.

 

But officers in the village of Sterusy, north-east of the capital, Bratislava, said footage showed this was not the case as there was no sudden movement in the car.

 

It's not clear if the fine - issued to the owner, rather than the dog - was for speeding, or for failing to secure the pet in a moving vehicle.

 

Click on the link for the full article

[The 12th Commandment]

A nice journey into nostalgia.

 

https://www.cracked.com/article_39714_the-100-greatest-looney-tunes-characters.html