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Lidl shopper says she will 'never shop there again' after mortifying checkout ordeal

 

he woman was so embarrassed by the hilarious ordeal, she says she can 'never go back'.

 

She went to the Lidl checkout with good intentions. But what transpired next left her red-faced, The Mirror reports.

 

The customer explained: "I don’t think I can ever go back to Lidl again! Bloke in front of me had a shed load of booze in his trolley. Friendly cashier asks, 'having a party, sir?'

"Upon my purchase of a mini bottle of Prosecco I pipe up 'I’m having a party too! Woohoo!'"

 

She continued: "Then realise I have one other item in my basket.. a cucumber... Friendly cashier looks at me, I look at him, then I, predictably, get a massive laugh attack and can hardly breathe to pay the poor man. RIP my time at Lidl."

 

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Londoners completely baffled as 'cans of urine' being sold for £500 outside Tate Modern

 

Londoners have been left completely baffled as 'cans of urine' are being sold for £500 outside the Tate Modern. British artist, Gavin Turk, is behind the canned urine. He began selling aluminium cans of his own urine in 2021 for £333, the cost of the equivalent weight in silver.

 

A picture of a fridge of canned urine was posted to Reddit, with the caption: "You can now buy a can of urine for £500 next to the Tate Modern." Londoners found the sale both hilarious and confusing. One wrote: "It's all fun and games until a confused tourist buys one and starts drinking it."

 

Another said: "That just about sums up modern art," while one asked: "Do you drink it, what do you do with it?" And many people made the joke: "£500! That's just taking the p***." Others couldn't believe that cans of urine were on sale, being convinced that "it's a joke".

 

But one Reddit user suggested that the 'cans of urine' might be a worthwhile investment. They said: "I know it seems like nonsense (and it is!), but if you go and buy a can you will almost definitely make money on this if you auction it in a year or two."

 

The artist reportedly spent two years collecting his urine, and designed an aluminium can that reads "artist's p***" in 31 different languages. It's sealed with a foil cover, and has the artist's hand-written signature at the top. According to artdaily.com, the cans are limited edition, with only 1,000 330ml cans available to buy.

 

Gavin explained to Widewalls magazine his thought process behind the cans of urine: "I was provoked to do it now, as it’s 60 years since Manzoni canned his own s***," speaking of Italian artist Piero Manzoni who canned his own faeces in 1961, and sold it for the price of the equivalent weight in gold.

 

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This has a link to an entertaining and, ultimately noble defense of parody, filed as an amicus brief by The Onion in support of a man facing charges for Facebook posts in which he mocks the Parma, Ohio Police Department.

 

 

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Seguin police arrest raccoon as suspect in two power outages

 

Seguin's power grid came under attack again on Monday, Oct. 3 after a power outage on Oct. 1 shut down electricity to nearly half of the city. 

 

Thankfully, the Seguin Police Department has announced that they have apprehended a very unique suspect. 

 

Seguin PD described the alleged perpetrator of the first outage as a "black and white male, approximately 2'9", 35 lbs." After a second strike on the city's East substation, police announced that they had taken Ricky Raccoon, age 3, into custody.

 

The Seguin PD posted Ricky's hilarious mugshot to their social media pages, where the masked saboteur appears particularly unashamed of his alleged crimes. 

 

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Seguin PD said that Ricky has not divulged whether or not he had accomplices in the act. There has been no motive yet on the possible motive for the crimes.

 

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84-Year-Old Man Has A Message For Vandals Who Keep Fornicating With His Woman-Shaped Shrub

 

This won't be the most relatable story you read today. At least, we hope it won't be.

 

A British man issued a plea to his community to please, for the sake of decency and art, stop humping his shrub.

 

Keith Tyssen has been maintaining "Gloria" since 2010. Once you see her, you'll understand why he's having problems keeping "drunken louts" off his property.

 

The not-infrequent encounters with random strangers is problematic for multiple reasons. On the one hand, the noise made by fornicating with his hedge wakes the elderly man up in the middle of the night, but even worse is the havoc it wreaks on Gloria's figure. "Someone will squeeze the breasts," explains Tyssen, "so that will damage it."

 

And that's far from the most absurd quote from this story. So let's waste no more time before taking a glance at Gloria's sultry figure, hearing a bit more about her story from the elderly caretaker, and seeing the predictably hilarious reactions from Twitter!

 

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America's gourd addiction: Why President Biden must mandate a one-gourd-per-household rule

 

Hey there, fellow Americans. It’s fall, and I think it’s time we had a talk about your autumnal gourd addiction.

 

If I’m being honest, it’s gotten out of hand.

 

You can’t throw a squash this time of year without hitting a gourd display. They’re in bins in front of grocery stores, in window boxes outside homes, uselessly encircling front-yard trees and filling decorative bowls on more dining room tables than I dare mention.

 

We should've seen our gourd problem coming
We’ve known things were getting bad gourd-wise since the 2009 publication of humor writer Colin Nissan’s landmark McSweeney’s essay, “IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, (EXPLETIVES).”

 

That should’ve been a red flag that what was once an under-control gourd curiosity had turned problematic. But we sailed right past it, and now, in the year 2022, we find ourselves a nation strung out on largely inedible herbaceous fruit.

 

Cucurbitaceae have become the fall enthusiasts’ hard-shelled cocaine.

 

Gourd statistics are truly staggering
Here’s a shocking statistic: Each year, Americans buy more than 2 billion gourds, which works out to roughly 16 gourds per U.S. household.

 

I just made those numbers up, but the fact that you briefly believed them shows just how bad our gourd habit has become. 

 

Gourds are wart-covered mistakes of nature
What’s most troubling about American gourd-hoarding is the absurdity of the gourd itself. While gourds have been used through much of human history as cups, bowls and containers, the smallish fruits people fancy for decor tend to be both inedible and, more important, almost disturbingly weird looking.

 

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Who the **** gets triggered by a thumbs up emoji?  Gen Z snowflakes apparently.

 

Thumbs-up emoji branded 'inappropriate' by Gen-Z - but older generations stand by it

 

Mllennials and Gen X, listen up: you could be offending your Gen-Z colleagues by using the thumbs up emoji at work, as they claim it's 'passive aggressive' and 'confrontational'. Even worse, there are various other emojis that could make you 'look old' if you use them, as the younger generation have branded them 'out of date'.

 

A 24-year-old has sparked debate over emoji etiquette after summing up the Gen-Z view over the controversial thumbs-up icon, as they argue that it should "never used in any situation" as it is "hurtful". Taking to Reddit to share their view, the anonymous twenty-something wrote: "No one my age in the office does it, but the Gen X people always do it. Took me a bit to adjust and get out of my head that it means they're mad at me".

 

Others agreed and shared their own experiences of feeling uncomfortable after a work colleague used the seemingly harmless emoji.

 

"My last workplace had a WhatsApp chat for our team to send info to each other on and most of the people on there just replied with a thumbs up. I don't know why but it seemed a little bit hostile to me," one woman shared.

 

The digital culture discourse comes after one poll of 2,000 young people between the ages of 16-29 found the same results, with the majority of them agreeing that those who use the thumbs-up emoji are 'officially old and past it'.

 

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I guess I'm "officially old and past it."

 

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Edited by China
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Mixed verdict from jury for Elmo doll sex case

 

A home inspector who was accused of masturbating with a Tickle Me Elmo doll in a client’s prospective home has been found guilty of one crime and acquitted of another.

 

Kevin Wayne VanLuven, 61, of Clarkston, was convicted of aggravated indecent exposure at the conclusion of a jury trial in Oakland County Circuit Court on Oct. 11. The trial started and ended the same day.

 

The jury returned with a not guilty verdict for a misdemeanor charge of malicious destruction of property.

 

The charges against VanLuven stemmed from a 2020 home inspection when a nanny cam recorded him in a child’s bedroom where he appeared to be pleasuring himself with the toy. The homeowners, who were off-site, were notified by an app.

 

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Dog walker 'red-faced' as pooch picks up massive sex toy and refuses to let go

 

A dog walker was left 'red-faced' their dog picked up a huge sex toy – and wouldn't drop it for 20 minutes.

 

Claire Robson, 44, took one-year-old Frankie out for walk on Monday morning (October 10) before he disappeared into a hedgerow.

 

As she let the hound have a sniff around, the owner assumed he was up to his usual scavenging along the River Tyne in Gateshead area, Tyne and Wear.

 

She wasn't surprised when her four legged friend found a 'rubbery pipe' to chew on during their sniff around – but it everything wasn't as it seemed.

 

The mortified dog walker realised after two minutes that Frankie had found a massive veiny dildo – and, he would not let the suction ended toy go.

 

Spoiler

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‘Bigfoot is not real’: Signs in Pennsylvania parks, trails asking residents to report sightings weren’t posted by officials

 

Bigfoot, Sasquatch — whatever you call the supersized apelike creature said to roam the woods of North America — it doesn’t exist, Pennsylvania game officials say.

 

For months, signs have been popping up along state trails and parks, urging residents to report Bigfoot sightings.

 

“Due to encounters in the area of a creature resembling ‘Bigfoot,’ we are instructing all park visitors to observe elevated park etiquette, be cautious of your surroundings and to keep the location of any small children/pets within a tighter scope of awareness,” the sign says. “Do not approach the creature.”

 

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Although printed on the state Department of Conservation and Natural Resources letterhead, it’s not legitimate, state officials said.

 

“These signs were not posted by DCNR,” said department spokesperson Wesley Robinson in an email Monday morning. “We have seen them at parks for months and they are removed when they are reported or found by staff because they have not been authorized.”

 

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Church sign causes stir among motorists

 

he non-denominational Changepoint Church on Mill Street in the City of Poughkeepsie has been known for creative, thought-provoking statements on the sign next to the church.

 

On Thursday, many motorists passing by the sign at the intersection of Mill Street (westbound arterial) and Civic Center Plaza were greeted with the statement “FORGIVENESS IS TO SWALLOW WHEN YOU WANT TO SPIT.”

 

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Many motorists took to social media to share pictures of the sign that some called “tasteless” while others agreed with the statement but suggested the church find a better way to express the idea.

 

By 11 a.m. on Thursday, the sign had been abruptly changed and replaced with the telling statement of “THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.”

 

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Some Guy Registered His Beer As an Emotional Support Animal

 

There are plenty of people for whom emotional support animals are a real help. Then there are those who push the whole concept a bit too far. (See, please, Patricia Marx’s 2014 hilarious take on emotional support animals in The New Yorker, in which she recounts her experience taking a pig onto an airplane, a turkey to the deli, a snake boutique-shopping, an alpaca to art galleries and more. It’s a classic.)

 

Floyd Hayes, a 47-year-old resident of Brooklyn, New York, surely falls into that second category: He tried to register his beer as an emotional support animal.

 

Wha?

 

Hayes, described on his website as a “Creative Director, Ideas Crafter and Consultant,” went on the USA Service Dog Registration website and entered in information for the 16-ounce pint glass of IPA he says offers him comfort when he goes out, Ale Street News reported in late December.

 

“I’m not permitted a dog in my building, so I thought an emotional support beer would be more appropriate. It helps alleviate my anxiety and is a cost-effective way to manage stress,” Hayes told the digital beer-news publication. “I’ve had trouble trying to take the pint onto public buses and into places of business, so I had the idea to get it registered.”

 

Hayes reportedly was able to get a registration number for his … um … pet beer – 1085780890, although that number nowreturns an “invalid” result when searched.

 

In a photo in Brooklyn Paper, which picked up the story last week, Hayes also shows off a certificate of registration he was able to get for his beer; he hopes it will persuade authorities to allow him to take his brewski on public transportation.

 

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On 10/6/2022 at 8:36 PM, China said:

84-Year-Old Man Has A Message For Vandals Who Keep Fornicating With His Woman-Shaped Shrub

 

This won't be the most relatable story you read today. At least, we hope it won't be.

 

A British man issued a plea to his community to please, for the sake of decency and art, stop humping his shrub.

 

Keith Tyssen has been maintaining "Gloria" since 2010. Once you see her, you'll understand why he's having problems keeping "drunken louts" off his property.

 

The not-infrequent encounters with random strangers is problematic for multiple reasons. On the one hand, the noise made by fornicating with his hedge wakes the elderly man up in the middle of the night, but even worse is the havoc it wreaks on Gloria's figure. "Someone will squeeze the breasts," explains Tyssen, "so that will damage it."

 

And that's far from the most absurd quote from this story. So let's waste no more time before taking a glance at Gloria's sultry figure, hearing a bit more about her story from the elderly caretaker, and seeing the predictably hilarious reactions from Twitter!

 

Click on the link for the full article

Put a sign in front of it that says poison ivy…

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Teacher in Japan politely asks to use convenience store bathroom to jerk off, gets arrested

 

In Japan, there’s a bit of a manners debate about using convenience store restrooms. Some people think it’s proper to ask permission from the staff first, and many stores have signs asking customers to do so. On the other hand, the bathrooms don’t require a key to access, permission is pretty much always granted, and some customers feel embarrassed announcing to a stranger that they need to go to the bathroom.

 

28-year-old Atsushi Iwao appears to be in the you-should-ask-first camp, which ordinarily would be a sign of courteousness on his part. However, the specific question he posed to a female convenience store clerk in Fukuoka City was far from an example of elegant etiquette, as he asked:

 

“I want to masturbate, so would it be all right if I used the restroom?”

 

In a further example of Iwao’s odd mix of thoughtfulness and classlessness, he asked the question while purchasing a pack of condoms, suggesting that he was planning to keep the mess to a minimum, but it’d likely be giving him too much credit to assume he was also planning to take the used prophylactic with him when he was done.

 

The request was, of course, denied, as was an identical one Iwao made on a separate date within the same month. Both incidents took place in October of 2021, but this week police officers were able to identify Iwao and placed him under arrest for obscene conduct, likely long after he’d assumed he’d gotten away with it for good.

 

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Owner found living in storage container with nearly 7-foot alligator

 

A 6'7" alligator was rescued from a property in Lakebay, Washington after animal control received a complaint about a person living with the animal.

 

Animal Control officials stated the owner was living inside a shipping container with a small tub inside for the alligator.

 

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In the state of Washington, it is illegal to possess an alligator.

 

A very sick baby cow and a mattress for the 32-year-old owner to sleep on were also found inside the container, according to officials.

 

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Indiana man dressed as Pikachu ran from police on lawn mower, cops say

 

A Roachdale officer may have wished he had a Pokeball in order to help him catch a wild Pikachu spotted driving a lawnmower recklessly through small town Indiana streets on Halloween night.

 

In what Roachdale Police Department assured was a first, an officer found himself in pursuit of a 19-year-old Roachdale citizen who decided to elect trick instead of treat and gave the police and all the pursuit’s witnesses a night to remember.

 

According to Roachdale police, officers were made aware of a man recklessly driving a modified lawn mower through the streets of Roachdale with a trailer in tow while children dressed as ghosts and ghouls prowled the streets in their own pursuit of candy.

 

A deputy located the erratic lawnmower driver but quickly realized it was no ordinary driver — it was the rare lawnmower Pikachu.

 

The deputy attempted to pull the lawnmower over but the man dressed as Pikachu responded with a shock by flipping off the deputy as he sped away best he could. Police said “the pursuit” of lawnmower Pikachu went for a few blocks before the deputy broke off the chase due to the driving of the lawnmower becoming more erratic and dangerous, even at one point attempting to hit the deputy’s vehicle, police said.

 

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Cannon Hall Farm: Barnsley flock flaunt pink hair-do in sheep feeder mishap

 

A flock of sheep are sporting a pretty pink look after a new feeder managed to dye their wool.

 

The Swiss Valais Blacknose have been rubbing themselves against the red feeder while eating, turning heads at Cannon Hall Farm in Barnsley.

 

Farmer Richard Nicholson from the farm said the ewes had unintentionally joined the "pink ladies".

 

"Visitors to the farm certainly do a double take when walking past," he said.

 

"We just bought a new feeder and we just noticed their wool was gradually getting pinker and pinker," Mr Nicholson said.

 

After posting the photo on Instagram the bright quiffs soon became a hit.

 

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